28. closer
46627 / 50000
I think I'm at the stage where I'm just kind of exhausted and have no idea whether what I write is any good or not. Still hoping to get another part up tonight, just because I don't want to go down to the wire tomorrow. Two to go!
28. closer
Katie.
1549 words
It's starting to get dark outside, but Katie isn't desperate to get home. She's spent the afternoon with JJ, but she scarpered once he starting dropping hints that they ought to do some A Level revision, and if she gets home she'll have Emily to face, trying to get her to do the same thing. And it's not like she doesn't care, but she's never going to be a fucking brainiac like everyone else she knows, and some evenings she just needs to relax. She'll get enough UCAS points to get into university, but there's no point in killing herself over it.
She walks by the harbour, glad of the cool breeze on a balmy evening like this. The summer looks like it might actually be a warm one, although the weather people always say that and it's practically never true. Probably it'll start raining as soon as exams are over; that's usually how it goes. But for now, she's enjoying it, and she's enjoying the thought of a whole long summer stretching out before her. Even if it does rain for weeks on end, it'll still be better than last year, because now she has JJ, and when exams are over they can just like, chill at the park and drink and not have to worry about anything, and it'll be lovely. She can't wait.
A little way off she sees someone standing and looking out over the water, and after a second she realises that she knows that figure. It's Effy. Her breath hitches and her first thought is that she should turn around and walk the other way, but then she remembers that it isn't six months ago, and she doesn't have to be afraid of her, or whatever it was that she used to feel about Effy. Katie never did exactly manage to get a handle on what she felt about Effy, but it doesn't matter now.
Effy glances up just as Katie approaches, and she smiles for a second before her expression turns still again. "Hi," Effy says.
"Yeah, hi," Katie says. "What are you doing here?"
"Nothing much," Effy says. "You?"
"Avoiding revision, you know. Probably going to fail anyway, so there's not much point."
"I don't think you'll fail."
Katie shrugs. "Not like any of the unis I've applied to have particularly high standards, anyway."
Effy smiles, then takes a joint out of her pocket. "Spliff?"
"Sure." They sit down and Effy passes Katie the joint, lighting it for her. She almost looks nervous, Effy does, but Katie's not really sure why. She's never seemed nervous around her before, not when they were fucking or whatever, although Katie's probably just remembering it wrongly. She hardly even remembers it at all, and it's not like she thinks about it ever.
"How's JJ?" Effy asks after a while, but she doesn't look at Katie when she asks.
"He's good," Katie says, smiling. They spent most of the day just like, cuddling and talking, and she's never really had a boyfriend like that before, one she actually liked having conversations with.
"You're happy, yeah?" Effy says.
"Yeah," Katie says, and it sounds kind of weird, saying it out loud. "Yeah, I'm happy."
"I'm glad," Effy says. "I really mean it, you know."
Katie nods. She doesn't really know what to say; it's not like they're friends now, but Katie doesn't hate her any more. Something still feels unfinished with them though, probably because they never really talked about what happened between them--and Katie knows that's her fault.
"Hey," she says, staring at the ground in front of her instead of focusing on Effy. "I know we never like, talked about what happened. You know, in January. And I know you wanted to, so." She hazards a glance at Effy; she's not really sure she wants to have this conversation, mostly because she has no clue how it'll turn out.
"Oh," Effy says, then she takes a deep breath. "You never really wanted me, did you?"
"I don't know," Katie says. "I was kind of messed up."
"Right." Effy looks at her, then in a quiet voice says, "I love you."
"Oh." No one's actually ever said that to Katie before apart from family, or no one's meant it, and she doesn't know what to do with it. "Right," she says, and she knows it's hopelessly inadequate, but she doesn't know what else she can say.
Effy smiles, but in a defeated sort of way. "It's okay, Katie. I know you don't feel the same."
"I don't really know what I feel," Katie says, but she thinks maybe if she talks it through, it'll start to make sense. "I mean, I'm with JJ, and he makes me happy, you know? But it wasn't like I never--I mean, I always said that we, you know, had sex because I was fucked up and angry, but... I don't know. Sometimes I think about you."
"You do?" There's a little glint of hope in Effy's eyes, and it kind of breaks Katie's heart.
"Yeah, but I mean, it's you. I don't mean to be nasty, but you sort of fuck everything up. I don't think you mean to, but I'm sorry, you do."
"No, I know," Effy says. "It's the only thing I'm good at."
"Well, that's not true." Katie looks at her, kind of despairing because she doesn't know what to say to make things right between them. "I think maybe I sort of like you, but you kind of make me go completely mental and I just, I don't know."
Effy nods. "I get it, Katie. I know I couldn't make anyone happy, and you should be with someone who can."
"Right, but... well, I mean, are you okay?"
"Not really," Effy says with a shrug, and she hesitates for a moment like maybe she's trying to find the right words. "I... don't think I know how to be happy. And I think that's maybe something I need to learn by myself, without bringing anyone else into it."
"Yeah, okay," Katie says. "I hope you manage to figure it out, I do." She places her hand on Effy's and squeezes it, smiling slightly at the look of slight surprise on Effy's face when she glances down at their hands.
"Thanks," Effy says, and she lets out a shaky breath. "Fuck, I don't normally do this. Talk to people, I mean. About myself."
"Maybe that's like, the first step," Katie says. "I don't really know. Probably we should have talked about this before."
"Yeah, maybe."
"Sorry I was such a twat and avoided you."
Effy smiles. "Well, I'm sorry I broadcasted it to everyone. That was pretty fucked up."
"Considering some of the things you've done, it's not that bad." Katie smiles at her and squeezes her hand again. "Maybe we could be friends, yeah? I mean, if you want."
"Yeah, that would be nice," Effy says, nodding. "Proper friends this time, not like how we were at the beginning of college."
"Yeah, proper friends. Okay." Katie pauses, then asks, "Are you going to be all right?" She doesn't want to sound pitying, because it's not like she feels sorry for Effy exactly, but she wants Effy to be okay, she really does.
"I think I will be, yeah," Effy says.
"Good." There's something else Katie wants to say, something that she doesn't quite know how to phrase, probably because her hand is still on Effy's and it's kind of distracting her; that, and the way Effy looks in the twilight, all lovely and blue. "You know, sometimes I feel like maybe if things were different, then... things would be different. Between us, I mean." She shakes her head; that didn't even begin to make sense. "I just mean that I do like you, but I spent a lot of time hating you as well, and that made things weird."
Effy smiles slightly. "And you don't hate me any more?"
"No. But I love JJ. So it's like..." She spreads her hands. "You know?"
"Yeah," Effy says. "It wouldn't work, anyway. Not with me being such a mess."
"Right. I mean, sorry, but it's true."
Effy laughs, and Katie feels her chest expand at the sound. Fuck, this is confusing. But that's just it, really, because with JJ it's not--and Katie's kind of stupid, but she's smart enough to know that she needs to stick with the person where it's easy and uncomplicated and lovely all the time. She thinks Effy gets that too.
They sit there for a while longer in silence, just smoking, as the night draws in and it starts to get chilly. After a while Katie stands up and says, "I should probably go," and Effy stands up too.
"Okay," she says, and for a moment they face each other, standing around awkwardly, and then Katie wraps Effy into a hug.
Effy looks shaken when they separate, and just as Katie's wondering whether it was a mistake, Effy grabs Katie's top and pulls her into a kiss that leaves them both breathless.
"Sorry," Effy whispers, then, "It doesn't change anything, does it?"
"No," Katie says, the word sticking in her throat, but it's not entirely true; all it does is fill her with regret.