9. the harm principle
15112 / 50000
Still behind, sigh. Week Two is always the hardest. Here's how much this story has eaten my life: I spent last night alternately lying awake and trying to figure out where it was going, and dreaming about how much I was going to fuck it up. Not sure about this part; Thomas is a really hard character to write.
9. the harm principle
Thomas.
1748 words
The college corridors are busy, full of students hurrying to their next lessons, or dawdling as they try to decide how to spend a free period. Thomas squeezes Pandora's hand so they don't get separated in the rush, and Pandora turns and gives him a brilliant smile. In moments like this, everything seems so easy and straightforward that Thomas wonders why he ever questions things at all.
The crowd thins out a little and they manage to fight their way through to the social sciences department where Pandora has Philosophy next lesson. They're almost at Pandora's classroom when Panda grabs him and kisses him fiercely; all he can do is close his eyes and try to remember how to breathe.
A moment or two later Pandora pulls away, her face red and flushed with something like embarrassment.
"What was that for, Panda?" he asks. He cannot complain about being kissed like that, but such things are usually reserved for times when they are alone, behind closed door, not the middle of a busy corridor.
"Aren't I allowed to show you how much I love you?" Pandora asks, a little unconvincingly, and Thomas glances around, trying to figure out what prompted Pandora's display.
That is when he sees Cook, standing at the other end of the corridor and looking at them with a scowl.
"Don't look at him, silly," Panda says, tilting his head down until he looks away and meets her gaze. "Doughnuts, remember?"
"Doughnuts," he says, nodding, and he manages a smile. Things are supposed to be different now, or the same as they were before, and he sees that Pandora is trying. That means that Thomas must try too.
"Right, well, best be off to Philosophy," Pandora says. "We're starting On Liberty today. Flipping Mill, he was a right banana."
"Have fun," Thomas says, and she gives him a goofy smile before disappearing into the classroom. He turns around, his spirits a little lifted, and then he sees Cook, still standing and staring at them.
"Is there a reason why you are still here?" Thomas asks, walking up to Cook, who just shrugs.
"Look, mate--"
"We are not friends."
Cook shoves his hands in his pocket. "I wanted to say I'm sorry, all right? I shouldn't have fucked your bird behind your back."
"No," Thomas says, "you should not." Truthfully, though, he blames Pandora more than he blames Cook; this sort of behaviour seems par for the course with Cook, whereas he expected better from Pandora. She was the one who truly let him down, but he is trying his very best to forgive her. Bygones, he believes they are called. He says none of this to Cook, however.
"You're a good bloke, Thomas," Cook says. "Better than me, you know? You deserve her."
"She is not a prize given to the best person," Thomas says, frowning slightly.
"No, 'course not. I mean, she deserves you as well."
Thomas nods slightly, just once, but he does not quite feel inclined to accept Cook's apology just yet. "I stood up for you," he says. "When Johnny White threatened you, I stood up for you. You are a bad friend to repay me like this."
Cook ducks his head, looking chagrined. "Yeah, you're right. I fucking owe you, mate. Big time."
"Pandora tells me you are still sleeping with Effy. Considering Freddie's feelings, it seems you are a bad friend to him as well."
Cook looks up then, furious. "Yeah, well, no one asked you, did they?" he says, and he casts around wildly like he's looking for something to throw or hit. Thomas stays still, looking at him steadily while he waits for Cook to calm down.
"Are you fucking right about everything?" Cook asks eventually, and Thomas smiles.
"I am right about a great number of things," he says, and Cook lets out a bark of laughter.
"Jesus fucking Christ, mate."
Still smiling, Thomas says, "I accept your apology," and he holds out his hand for Cook to shake. Cook looks at it curiously for a moment, then shakes it.
"I don't fucking get you," he says. "Are we good?"
Thomas shrugs. "It seems we are."
---
The club night is a success, but Thomas feels strangely separated from his fellow revellers; he watches as they drink and dance and fail to be discreet in not-so-dark corners, but he is unmoved. Pandora has cleared a space on the dancefloor, either oblivious to the bizarre looks people throw her or enjoying them all the same. Lost to the music, she pays no attention to Thomas and does not notice when he slips away, out of the club and into the fresh air outside. The cold cuts him to the bone and he wishes he had another jacket, but not enough that he wants to go back inside and into the warmth.
He spots JJ sitting on the pavement, looking forlorn. The ground is wet from a light rainfall earlier that day, but JJ does not seem particularly bothered by it, even though he looks as cold as Thomas feels.
"Hello, JJ," Thomas says, crouching down beside him.
"Oh," JJ says. "Hi." He gives Thomas a lopsided smile.
"It's freezing out here." Thomas is shivering already, and he's only been outside for a minute or two.
"Yes, yes it is," JJ says. "Great club night, Thomas, I just, I just needed some fresh air. It was very hot in there. Lots of... bodies."
"I know how you feel," Thomas says. His knees are starting to hurt from crouching; he sits down on the damp pavement and hopes it won't soak through his jeans. He's still not used to this country. He's settled here, but it's still not quite home. Trying to get his mind off his own problems, he asks JJ, "Is there something wrong? You do not look very happy."
"Just the usual, really," JJ says, and he looks like he's trying to play it off like it's not a big deal. "Freddie and Cook are sort of fighting again, which didn't take long, and, and, I don't know." He shrugs. "Also, I think I would quite like a girlfriend. Everyone else seems to have one. I mean, even the girl I lost my virginity to has one, and that's quite embarrassing when you think about it."
"Sometimes having a girlfriend is not quite as wonderful as it ought to be," Thomas says.
"Oh." JJ furrows his brow. "I'm not sure that makes me feel any better, really."
"But, overall," Thomas says, trying to be positive, "it is worth it."
"Ah," JJ says, nodding. "So, you and Pandora, then--how is it? Did you manage to start afresh?"
"Not really," Thomas admits. He stares up at the sky, but he can only see a handful of stars. He misses them. "We are trying, but things change. And when they have changed, it is very difficult to pretend that they haven't."
"It's a bit like that with Cook and Freddie, I think," JJ says. "I--I mean, not in a romantic sense, obviously, or at least I don't think so anyway, because they'd probably tell me about that, but it's hard to go back to being the three musketeers when they're still in love with the same girl."
"Are you not in love with her as well?" Thomas asks. "I heard about the race."
"I don't think so," JJ says. "I spoke to Emily about it once, a few weeks ago now, and she said it was very easy to confuse having a crush with being in love, and I probably just fancied Effy. And then I said that was probably true, because for a while after I slept with Emily I thought that maybe I was in love with her, but then Freddie told me I wasn't, so I think it's the same thing with Effy. But when I told Emily that it all got a bit awkward."
Thomas smiles. "I can see why. Do you still like her?"
"A bit. Is that wrong? I mean, you know, because she's a lesbian."
Laughing a little, Thomas says, "I don't think so. She is very pretty."
"Yes," JJ agrees. "Katie is, too, which makes sense really, considering they're twins." He blushes slightly and changes the subject. "I do hope you and Pandora make it. I mean, it must be difficult to get over what she did, but she does seem to love you."
Thomas nods slowly. "Yes, she does, but it is difficult." He shrugs. "I am no saint. Sometimes I look at other girls. But acting on it..."
"Acting on it's different, isn't it?"
"Yes," Thomas agrees. "But if she really liked him..." He tails off; it's not a train of thought he likes to entertain, but it's been niggling for months now.
"But I thought it was just about intercourse?"
"I don't know," Thomas says. "But if she really liked him--even if she didn't act on it, would that not be just as bad?"
JJ looks a little confused, and Thomas realises that, on reflection, JJ is probably not the best person to talk to about such matters, nice though he is. He ought to talk to Emily, Thomas thinks, or someone who might understand. Suddenly, he feels tired. It helps no one to dwell on such matters.
"Did you say Freddie and Cook are fighting again?"
"Yes," JJ says with a sigh. "I heard you tried to talk some sense into Cook, but I don't think things like that really help a great deal. And the thing is, I don't think Effy even wants either of them, so I don't know why they don't just get over her already. All it does is ruin everything, and I'm tired of it."
"Sometimes I think it would be nice to go back to a year ago," Thomas says. "Everything seemed better then."
JJ nods solemnly. Despite the cold, they sit there for a while longer; Thomas doesn't count the minutes. It's late, and he's tired, but he doesn't want to go back home, and doesn't want to go back inside either. They say nothing until Pandora comes bounding out of the club, looking very drunk.
"There you are!" she says, clinging on to him when he stands up and moves over to meet her. She's like a dead weight in his arms. Behind her is Effy, carefully surveying the proceedings.
"Look after her, Thomas," she says. "She needs you."