2. our only disguise
4195 / 50000
2. our only disguise
Katie.
2016 words
The dye runs in the sink, black patterns swirling against the white porcelain. Katie watches as it drains away, then lifts her head to stare at herself in the mirror.
She looks different, obviously, but it still comes as a shock. Then again, she's spent most of the last few months staring at herself in the mirror and feeling like she doesn't know the girl that's staring back.
She runs a brush through her hair, starts blowdrying it to get the full effect, and once she's done she starts turning round, looking at herself from different angles and trying to decide whether this was a good idea after all. She was aiming for sophistication, but she's not sure whether she ended up looking like some kind of ridiculous depressing goth freak instead. Maybe she shouldn't have gone so dark straight away.
It's a bit drastic, but she needed a change. The last thing she could do was turn up to college tomorrow looking exactly the same as she did when she left. (Not that she could look exactly the same--the bruises have faded by now, the scrape on her chin healed--but she has to look like a new person, because, well, that's what she is.
When she goes to bed that night it takes her ages to finally drift off to sleep, mostly because she keeps trying to keep herself awake. Obviously she needs her sleep, the last thing she wants is to turn up tomorrow looking tired, but she wants to put it off for as long as humanly possible. She wonders if she could get away with pretending to be ill, but with Emily still in hospital she doubts anyone would pay any attention to her ailments unless she like, broke a bone herself. And she's not quite thatdesperate, thank you very much.
---
Morning arrives much too soon, and before Katie knows it she's walking up to the main doors of Roundview, staring up at the building, unable to believe all that's happened since this time last year. If anyone had told her--well, she would've said they were fucking mental to think that all of this could possibly happen.
They're in a different classroom this year, her form, and when she finds it everyone's milling around outside, waiting for the bell to ring. The first person she notices is Effy, slouched against the wall and looking supremely bored, as fucking usual, and though there are a couple of people hanging around her, most noticeably Freddie, she doesn't seem to be listening to a word anyone says.
And then she turns her head and looks at Katie, and Katie feels her chest constrict.
Something changes in Effy's expression, but Katie doesn't dwell on it. Slowly, deliberately, Katie looks Effy up and down and as soon as Effy opens her mouth to speak, Katie's gaze passes over her, deliberately blanking her as she surveys the crowd and waits until her gaze alights on someone, anyone she can latch on to.
She spots someone in the crowd.
"Hi, JJ," she says, and okay, he's not exactly her number one top choice of someone to talk to, but everyone else looking either fucking hostile or like they can't wait to see what Effy will say, he'll fucking do.
"Oh! H-hi, Katie," he says, his eyes practically falling out of his head in surprise or whatever.
Effy's voice cuts through the silence that results from Katie and JJ's exchange. "I like your hair, Katie."
Katie glares at her, feeling her heart beat faster, because what the fuck is she supposed to do with that? "Whatever," she says, and then the bell rings. "Come on, JJ, let's go."
He glances around like he's not really sure what's going on, but she looks at him so pointedly that he says, "Right, sure," and follows after her, sitting down at the table next to her.
Everyone else files into the classroom after them, and once everyone's sitting down, Katie looks around. It's strange, the way things have changed. Effy and Freddie are sitting next to each other, but considering the way that they threw Katie under a bus just so they could be together, they hardly look happy. They're not smiling, not looking at each other--and this is meant to be true fucking love. Some chance.
Freddie, slumped in his seat, keeps looking over at Cook--who's sat next to Naomi, talking and joking with her, the two of them apparently getting along well--with some sort of weird expression on his face. Katie doesn't know what happened with them, and she definitely doesn't fucking care, but she thinks it's weird that there might still be some sort of rift there. She heard rumours about a boat, and thought that they'd started to fix things.
Katie glances at Effy again, and this time she finds Effy looking back. Katie rolls her eyes and turns back to JJ, smiling just to pretend that she's having a good time at least, and even though he looks kind of confused, he smiles back. Somewhere in the background Kieran is talking, trying to explain something or other about what they have to do this year at college, but Katie doesn't take in any of the words that leave his mouth.
"So, how was your summer?" she asks JJ, and he laughs a little.
"Strange," he says after a while. "Very, very strange. How was yours?"
"Kind of strange as well," she says, because it's better than telling the truth, which is that it was mostly very boring. She spent most of it cooped up indoors like some sort of recluse, apart from on the odd occasion when Emily invited her out with her and Naomi, and even then Katie only tagged along so Emily would stop giving her that pitying look all the fucking time.
She realises with some surprise that she's actually glad to be back at college, if only because now her life at least resembles something like normalcy. It may all be different this time around, but it's familiar enough that there's something kind of comforting about being back.
The bell rings again, marking the end of registration, and when Katie glances at the timetable she's been given she sees that she has History first period. It's only when she's halfway to the classroom that she realises that she's walking the same way as JJ, and sure enough they're in the same class. He looks surprised when she sits down in the chair next to him, but whatever, Katie doesn't have a lot of choice--he's not the only person in the class she knows, but he's the only person that doesn't look at her like she's some sort of freakshow.
He starts pulling his folder out of his bag, along with one of those ancient Fruit Pastilles pencil cases that Katie hasn't seen in years, and he looks at her, a little puzzled.
"I don't think you've ever voluntarily spent this much time with me, Katie," he says. "I-I mean, don't get me wrong, it's fine, I'm just surprised."
It makes Katie feel a little guilty; it's not like she ever meant to ignore him or anything, it's just that he's a bit weird and Katie had so much other stuff going on with Emily and Freddie and Effy that JJ was never more than this slightly odd presence in the background.
"Sorry," she says. "I guess some things change. Or people do. Whatever."
He nods. Katie doesn't really think he'd ever actually understand, but maybe she underestimated him.
They don't say much for the rest of the lesson; Katie's mindful of the fact that Emily got her a B in her AS Level and she wants to live up to that, so she makes an effort to actually listen to what the teacher's saying instead of doodling in her textbook like she normally would.
JJ's clever; maybe Katie can persuade him to lend her his notes or look over her coursework or something like that.
---
Katie only realises how few friends she has when she's standing outside the cafeteria, peering in and trying to scope out someone to sit with. She refuses to take her lunch and like, sit in the toilets by herself like some giant loser, but she's running out of options. Emily isn't here, and Katie's hardly friends with Naomi even if she did help out with getting her into the hospital. And Katie would sit with Panda and Thomas, they're all right, but Effy's with them--not even saying anything, by the look of it, just glancing over to where Freddie and Cook and JJ are sitting and sharing all these tortured looks with Freddie. The whole thing is completely absurd.
With a deep breath she takes the plunge, buying her lunch and sitting down at an empty table, telling herself over and over in her head that nobody's looking and anyway, she doesn't care. To busy herself she takes out her phone and texts Emily, asking how she's doing.
"Hi, Katie."
When she looks up, she sees that it's JJ. There's something different about his smile, and Katie realises he's showing his teeth.
"You got your braces off," she says. "I mean, hi."
"Oh," he says, "yes," and then he starts blathering on about his orthodontist. Katie tunes out until he changes the subject and says, "You should come and sit with us."
"What, with you and Freddie? No thanks."
"Oh," he says, and Katie wonders how he possibly could have forgotten the way Freddie fucked her over. "Right, I get it. Sorry." He sits down opposite her and frowns. "It's funny, isn't it, the way we're all... disparate now. Fractured."
"Yeah," Katie says, nodding in agreement, but even though their weird little group seems smashed to pieces it looks like Freddie and Cook have made up. She gestures in their general direction and asks, "What happened with those two? Are they friends again? I heard something about a boat."
JJ starts nodding a lot. "Yes, yes, there was definitely a boat involved, although we didn't get very far on it. Which is just as well, really, because they probably would have ended up killing each other if they'd spent very long in such close confines."
"So they're friends again?"
JJ shrugs. "It's all a bit tentative, really. I don't know how long it can stay like that, but it's quite nice for the time being. Sort of like the old days, you know, with Cook giving me all kinds of advice that I have no idea how to follow."
Katie laughs. "Like what?"
"Well, for starters he says that my new life goal should be to have sex with a girl who is not a lesbian, and does actually like me."
"Yeah? How's that working out for you so far?"
He looks forlorn. "So far, not well at all."
Shrugging, Katie says, "To be honest, JJ, sex is kind of overrated."
"Are you sure? Because in my albeit limited experience--"
"I really don't want to hear about your experience." The last thing Katie needs is that image in her mind.
Cook approaches then, clapping JJ on the shoulder and giving Katie his trademark leer. "How goes it, J?"
"I was just telling Katie about my new life goal, but she says that sex is overrated."
"Overrated?" He looks at Katie like he's honestly shocked. "Someone can't be seeing to your needs, babe, but if you ever fancy it I know I could change your mind." He waggles his eyebrows suggestively and Katie feels like she's going to throw up.
"Fuck off, you probably have syphilis or something."
"Only one case of chlamydia," JJ helpfully supplies, "but that was a year ago. I'm sure it's cleared up now."
Cook slaps him over the head. "J, what have I told you about keeping secrets?"
Katie laughs and laughs. Maybe this year of college won't be such a nightmare after all, she thinks--and then she sees Effy, across the cafeteria, looking at her, and her laughter dies in her throat.