Rawr
I need a breather.
Classes just started and I was beyond unprepared for any of it. I'm currently in the process of literally making myself push me to the limit right now just so I can get slightly motivated for the following 16 weeks. Its not easy. But I have to. There's no other way out right now.
Marcus and I have been on this crazy roller coaster for the past almost 9 months but I think we've finally made some kind of breakthrough last night. He's the love of my life and yet my worst enemy at the same time. He has my heart, in fact, he is my heart. He means the world to me and no matter how frustrated and pissed I have been at him in the past, I always return realizing that I couldn't live my life without him in it. Clearly were not perfect, but we somehow fit together and make things work. Unfortunately right now, we can't be together. We literally have downgraded our relationship back to dating status. But explaining and making others understand what we have is like trying to tell a non-science/chemistry major what and how a chemical shift is produced and how its relative and effective to the NMR spectro (Sorry, its something I'm teaching myself while doing this). Even I get lost in those spins. But that's the glory of our relationship, I don't have to explain myself or us to anyone but him because well for one, it doesn't involve anyone else and two, I can tell him things and have this clear understanding no matter how much the words may not make sense. We just get each other. Were okay with living separate lives right now to work towards us being together later. He has to finish school in Midland. Everything he's doing there is giving him the drive to have his BA in a year and he needs that. Making him or asking him to move right now isn't an option, and his life comes way before us. I don't think I get a choice anymore in my schooling. I have to finish in Lansing, which means I have no other choice but to go to MSU and though it depresses me, its just what I have to do. My dad is going back to school and I need to give him all the help I can right now, including not moving to go to NMU. As much as that breaks my heart, my parents are my life which means I need to stay here and just duke it out. Marcus and I have had just so much happen between us and from others and it amazes me at times thinking that we come out of those blazing fires with just minor burns. Having him as a stability in my life just calms me. I don't doubt anymore that he is my everything. After all our battles (not between us but from others) these past few months, I realized that hes my sidekick for life and that there's no one else that I could fight these battles with. It just feels really great to have him and to have the conversations like last night. It's like falling in love all over again but instead I just gain more love for him and everything were going through.
I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle. Not so much working out and eating, though its on the list somewhere, but more so trying not be involved with the wrong people and what they stand for. I need to track my focus on my priorities and not get twisted in the drama. This has been an ongoing process and I thought it was getting better until I got dragged into something I didn't even know I was in. But since the situation came up, I reevaluated myself to make sure I was taking steps forward and not backwards. And I am. But since I was involved in stupid shit with too many people in the past, others seem to think its okay to bring my name up and throw me in the mix to get reactions outta me and the create that much more drama. I died laughing last night when shit got stirred up and I became the center of the situation without me literally saying a single word to anyone. It was like watching a soap opera but yet we were realistically role playing it all out and I literally was sitting in the audience, yet the whole storyline got twisted with me being the plot of the whole setting. It was quite intense but hilarious all at once. People are fucking amazing sometimes. But I know I haven't said or done anything wrong, therefore I'm just going to continue my day without giving a shit because I just don't have that time anymore for those type of people. They maybe fun but they're only fun until they need to have conflict because of boredom. All I try to do is lend an ear and somehow I literally lean in a millimeter too much and get sucked into a black hole. And then I come out with only one ear.
Its been really cold out lately. Enough to make me unmotivated to go boarding and that depresses me beyond suicidal. It hurts to get out of bed sometimes. But I have to get back on track with my early mornings and late nights with the spontaneous naps. Welcome to a new year.
Classes just started and I was beyond unprepared for any of it. I'm currently in the process of literally making myself push me to the limit right now just so I can get slightly motivated for the following 16 weeks. Its not easy. But I have to. There's no other way out right now.
Marcus and I have been on this crazy roller coaster for the past almost 9 months but I think we've finally made some kind of breakthrough last night. He's the love of my life and yet my worst enemy at the same time. He has my heart, in fact, he is my heart. He means the world to me and no matter how frustrated and pissed I have been at him in the past, I always return realizing that I couldn't live my life without him in it. Clearly were not perfect, but we somehow fit together and make things work. Unfortunately right now, we can't be together. We literally have downgraded our relationship back to dating status. But explaining and making others understand what we have is like trying to tell a non-science/chemistry major what and how a chemical shift is produced and how its relative and effective to the NMR spectro (Sorry, its something I'm teaching myself while doing this). Even I get lost in those spins. But that's the glory of our relationship, I don't have to explain myself or us to anyone but him because well for one, it doesn't involve anyone else and two, I can tell him things and have this clear understanding no matter how much the words may not make sense. We just get each other. Were okay with living separate lives right now to work towards us being together later. He has to finish school in Midland. Everything he's doing there is giving him the drive to have his BA in a year and he needs that. Making him or asking him to move right now isn't an option, and his life comes way before us. I don't think I get a choice anymore in my schooling. I have to finish in Lansing, which means I have no other choice but to go to MSU and though it depresses me, its just what I have to do. My dad is going back to school and I need to give him all the help I can right now, including not moving to go to NMU. As much as that breaks my heart, my parents are my life which means I need to stay here and just duke it out. Marcus and I have had just so much happen between us and from others and it amazes me at times thinking that we come out of those blazing fires with just minor burns. Having him as a stability in my life just calms me. I don't doubt anymore that he is my everything. After all our battles (not between us but from others) these past few months, I realized that hes my sidekick for life and that there's no one else that I could fight these battles with. It just feels really great to have him and to have the conversations like last night. It's like falling in love all over again but instead I just gain more love for him and everything were going through.
I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle. Not so much working out and eating, though its on the list somewhere, but more so trying not be involved with the wrong people and what they stand for. I need to track my focus on my priorities and not get twisted in the drama. This has been an ongoing process and I thought it was getting better until I got dragged into something I didn't even know I was in. But since the situation came up, I reevaluated myself to make sure I was taking steps forward and not backwards. And I am. But since I was involved in stupid shit with too many people in the past, others seem to think its okay to bring my name up and throw me in the mix to get reactions outta me and the create that much more drama. I died laughing last night when shit got stirred up and I became the center of the situation without me literally saying a single word to anyone. It was like watching a soap opera but yet we were realistically role playing it all out and I literally was sitting in the audience, yet the whole storyline got twisted with me being the plot of the whole setting. It was quite intense but hilarious all at once. People are fucking amazing sometimes. But I know I haven't said or done anything wrong, therefore I'm just going to continue my day without giving a shit because I just don't have that time anymore for those type of people. They maybe fun but they're only fun until they need to have conflict because of boredom. All I try to do is lend an ear and somehow I literally lean in a millimeter too much and get sucked into a black hole. And then I come out with only one ear.
Its been really cold out lately. Enough to make me unmotivated to go boarding and that depresses me beyond suicidal. It hurts to get out of bed sometimes. But I have to get back on track with my early mornings and late nights with the spontaneous naps. Welcome to a new year.