A fraction of myself.
I feel really funny right now. A little bit drunk, to be honest. Lightheaded. A little tipsy. Though I have no idea how. Maybe it's the Mucinex or the glass of Emergen-C (which tastes utterly vile, by the way), but I feel a little funny. This morning, I woke up feeling ridiculously caffeinated, even though I haven't had coffee since Friday, if I recall correctly. It only lasted for a few minutes, but it sort of scared me a bit. Lol.
Since I've been sick all week, I haven't had a chance to really do much, but the good thing is that yesterday's down time gave me ample opportunity to finish my NaNo. And by finish, I mean reach 50k by writing a string of vignettes that I'll likely throw out, but regardless: 50k, bitches! Closer to 51, actually, except the validator ate up about 500 of my words. But it's done, it's done, it's done. And even if I'm likely to throw out a lot of the last 10k or so, it did help me decide on a definitive ending for Le Grand Project. So in the end, it was worth it.
I sort of threw in the towel on finishing Tuesday, since I was too sick to really concentrate on writing anything--even anything bad. And I figured that if on Wednesday, I was feeling better, I'd spend it going to Metropolis with Jess. Except that I sort of woke up at 1:00 in the afternoon. And apparently drama blew up between her and her roommate/best friend (I don't know how many best friends she has though, so I guess they weren't really as close as all that) that resulted in the latter throwing a fit and moving out. I don't know how Jess deals with all that, honestly. It seems like every other week, something is going on between her and one of her friends or between two of her friends and she's caught in the middle.
I like my friendships compartmentalized. Neat and uncomplicated. I don't like getting into fights because I just don't feel that people are worth that sort of energy, and my general response to anything confrontational or argumentative (in a personal manner) is mostly to just shut down and cut that other person from my life. I don't like dealing with drama except for the occasional juicy gossip type that doesn't directly involve me and requires no emotional investment on my part.
Maybe that's why my relationships with people tend to lack any real depth or profundity. Because I don't know how to fight or why I should bother. Because I generally don't think people are worth fighting with or fighting for... Because I'm a fairly easy person to get along with. I make a lot of concessions and don't mind accommodating other people's particularities or forgiving them their faults so long as they're not malicious. I'm not critical, and I tend to take people as they are and don't ask much in return. I have a hard time attaching emotions and expectations onto others and don't tend to go out of my way to make friends (except when the feeling of being abnormal catches up to me *cough*book club*cough), but again, generally speaking, if someone wants to make the effort to get to know me, I'm more than willing to reciprocate. And if that isn't good enough, then I don't know what is.
Like, I like Jess. She's one of a few people I can be around who doesn't make me feel out of place. If that makes sense. Like, I can spend time with her without always wondering how much longer I have before I can go. Or make me wish I had a drink. Which is kind of bad. But regardless, I think she generally accepts me for who I am (though she does seem to be under the impression that "who I am" is a baby hating cynic, which isn't wholly true) and doesn't demand anything more of me than I am capable of giving. Like, she considers me one of her best friends, but I'll never be the first person she calls if her boyfriend dumps her and she's sad and in need of consolation. Though I might be the first she would call to reassure her that she's fine fucking someone to help her get over her breakup, so long as she takes it for what it is--a rebound and not a rescue. I can't be someone's emotional crutch, and I certainly can't be someone's moral compass, but I can help put a practical spin on things if that's what's needed.
And I'm great at drawing stick figure diagrams of silly revenge schemes. Which I think is how we cemented our friendship. In high school, we had a class together and that's how we sort of became casual friends. She was head over heels in love with this guy who... let's just say was not as into her as she was into him. They were going out. And then he cheated on her. And she was crushed. So I drew her a stick figure comic on a notecard of how we could steal all of his pants. I'm not sure exactly what that was supposed to achieve, but it helped her feel better so I guess that's what matters.
After high school, we sort of lost touch until a few years ago when we ran into each other and decided to have lunch or something. To be honest, I'm sort of surprised we are still good friends, given the time and the distance and the general lack of communication my relationships tend to suffer because I'm very much an out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of girl. (Generally speaking. There have been exceptions. But we won't talk about those.) It's probably thanks to Facebook. Much as I hate to admit it. Lol. But I have been trying, you know, consciously putting in the effort to maintain at least semi-regular contact. Not fade people out just because they don't happen to be present and pertinent.
Maybe that's progress. I don't know.
Angelia made me her bridesmaid. I'm not really sure how that happened except that she was kind of high and I was drinking and when I drink, I'm prone to enthusiasm. And she was going over her wedding plans (set for next October), and she said, "I really want you to be my bridesmaid, but you're so far away." And I said something to the effect of, "Just let me know what you want and when and where, and I'll totally be there!" I don't know if she regrets that or not. Lol. But I guess she doesn't have very many close friends anymore, and it's only me, her current best friend Danielle, and Ashley who's been her best friend since like, fourth grade. So maybe that counts for something. But a black dress and pink heels... I don't know. I tried that combo once when I was feeling particularly experimental, and yeah, it did not work too well. Except it's her wedding, and I don't really care what she wants us to wear so long as it won't get me arrested for breaking public decency laws.
Funny thing that I always remember about her and I. When we were in middle school she was really into N*Sync or the Backstreet Boys or one of those. And I... not so much. (Even at the tender age of thirteen, I found the concept of adolescent guys singing about relationships and heartache to be vapid and naive and somewhat vulgar.) But for her birthday, her mom got her a pair of tickets to a concert and she asked if I wanted to go. I responded with something like, "if you want me to go, then sure, I'll definitely go. But I think you might be better off finding someone who likes them too to go wit you." By which I didn't mean to imply that she didn't have any other friends who shared her interests or that I wouldn't have been genuinely happy to go, but that the experience would have been wasted on someone who couldn't appreciate it. It seemed like a practical response at the time, but looking back, it probably wasn't the most appropriate. I should have just said yes and gone along with it.
See you guys. Progress.
I think.
(I've completely lost track on what this entry was supposed to be about. Actually, I just had to kill some time at Panera while my body readjusted itself. Which hasn't happened because they gave me a giant vanilla latte. And now I'm a teensy bit fidgety. Maybe I'll just count on the caffeine to make me feel well enough that tomorrow I can drive to Creve Coeur and buy some of my favorite cake and maybe see the Monet exhibit at the art museum. We'll call that a good day if it happens. Also, I wonder why I've been ending my entries in parenthesis lately. It seems silly when you consider how disjointed this post is as a whole. But now I have to go buy some tomatoes and maybe take a nap. I told Jess to text me when she gets off tonight and if I'm not completely passed out, we can get milkshakes or something. And a random guy just gave me his business card.)
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