(FIC) Why Doesn't It Make Sense?
Alex’s hands are shaking hard as he listens to Nicklas’s words. He’s stunned at what he’s hearing and he doesn’t know whether to scream or to punch something. He’s so tempted to do both, but knows that it’s all pointless. It’s all over and done and he now has all the pieces of the horrible puzzle that was Pittsburgh.
Alex knew when he found Nicklas standing at the foot of Guerin’s bed in the pitch-black urgently telling him they had to go that things had gone wrong. Exactly how wrong, Alex really wasn’t sure of. It wasn’t until the long car-ride and the stilted answers that Nicklas was giving him that he got more hints. After the conversation with Geno and more hazy memories of being touched and kissed when he didn’t welcome it and hearing Nicklas repeatedly say no to Guerin’s requests that the picture was getting more complete and bleaker.
When Nicklas, after being pushed finally explains what happened after the conversation Alex had half heard, Alex feels like his whole world had turned without any warning. The picture is complete and he feels completely helpless and without direction at what to do next.
Realizing this makes Alex’s stomach drop. He looks at Nicklas and wants to reach out and touch him and say...what exactly? Thank him for taking the brunt of it all? For finally being honest? For not blaming him? Alex knows that words, at that time are inadequate, so he remains silent and still. He has already seen that warning light in Nicky’s eyes, so he holds back.
It nearly kills him when he sees that cold light in Nicky’s usually soft eyes. Although it disappears in what seems like a flash, Alex knows it was there. And seeing it makes him wonder if it will always be there or if it will ever fade away. Nicky says very little about it. Only that it will be all right.
Alex wants to believe him. He really wants to believe that the quiet and easy way that Nicky is taking everything is natural after such an awful time. Alex knows it’s not, but he doesn’t want to argue with Nicky. Not when he’s still recovering from the knowledge that Geno knowingly let his friends slip Nicklas drugs without his consent. He doesn’t think that he can be calm about the other things that Nicky is just now letting him know about, albeit with severe reluctance.
Maybe it’s the cowards way out, he muses to himself. Why I don’t press the issue with Nicky. But if Alex is honest with himself, he knows it’s because Nicky won’t blame him for anything that happened due to his own guilt. Nicky has already admitted that he feels like a bad friend for losing his temper and yelling out stupid things at Alex that night. Despite the assurances that Alex is not angry at him, Nicky’s acting like he’s still not sure that’s the case.
Alex wants to shake him and even goes so far as to test the limits in his impatience with Nicklas. But once he puts his hand on the younger man’s shoulder, Nicky stops talking and shuts down completely. He shakes off Alex’s hand and pushes him away as hard as he can.
They sit in stunned and icy silence for minutes that stretch out as long as hours before Nicklas quietly tells Alex that despite their friendship, Alex can’t touch him. When Alex asks when it can happen again, Nicky simply replies that he doesn’t know. They can talk, but there’s no way that he can bear anyone touching him. Not until he works everything out and he doesn’t know when that will be.
Although Alex wants to push through that barrier and show Nicky that it’s not the same, nor is it the best solution for him to take, he restrains himself. Despite every single fibre of his being protesting against his decision, he replies that he understands.
But he really doesn’t and he’s never felt so helpless in all of his life when gives in to a request that he knows is wrong, yet is unable to fix no matter how much he wants to. And this is when he realizes why Nicklas had held on to his silence so stubbornly.
Alex looks at Nicklas, who only shakes his head before he reaches out and gives him the briefest of touches. Alex knows it’s not okay just yet. And that it’s going to take a long time for it to be okay, but Nicklas is willing enough to acknowledge Alex needing assurance. That at least, goes a long way to ease the ache that he’s going to have to get used to till that happens.
End.
Alex knew when he found Nicklas standing at the foot of Guerin’s bed in the pitch-black urgently telling him they had to go that things had gone wrong. Exactly how wrong, Alex really wasn’t sure of. It wasn’t until the long car-ride and the stilted answers that Nicklas was giving him that he got more hints. After the conversation with Geno and more hazy memories of being touched and kissed when he didn’t welcome it and hearing Nicklas repeatedly say no to Guerin’s requests that the picture was getting more complete and bleaker.
When Nicklas, after being pushed finally explains what happened after the conversation Alex had half heard, Alex feels like his whole world had turned without any warning. The picture is complete and he feels completely helpless and without direction at what to do next.
Realizing this makes Alex’s stomach drop. He looks at Nicklas and wants to reach out and touch him and say...what exactly? Thank him for taking the brunt of it all? For finally being honest? For not blaming him? Alex knows that words, at that time are inadequate, so he remains silent and still. He has already seen that warning light in Nicky’s eyes, so he holds back.
It nearly kills him when he sees that cold light in Nicky’s usually soft eyes. Although it disappears in what seems like a flash, Alex knows it was there. And seeing it makes him wonder if it will always be there or if it will ever fade away. Nicky says very little about it. Only that it will be all right.
Alex wants to believe him. He really wants to believe that the quiet and easy way that Nicky is taking everything is natural after such an awful time. Alex knows it’s not, but he doesn’t want to argue with Nicky. Not when he’s still recovering from the knowledge that Geno knowingly let his friends slip Nicklas drugs without his consent. He doesn’t think that he can be calm about the other things that Nicky is just now letting him know about, albeit with severe reluctance.
Maybe it’s the cowards way out, he muses to himself. Why I don’t press the issue with Nicky. But if Alex is honest with himself, he knows it’s because Nicky won’t blame him for anything that happened due to his own guilt. Nicky has already admitted that he feels like a bad friend for losing his temper and yelling out stupid things at Alex that night. Despite the assurances that Alex is not angry at him, Nicky’s acting like he’s still not sure that’s the case.
Alex wants to shake him and even goes so far as to test the limits in his impatience with Nicklas. But once he puts his hand on the younger man’s shoulder, Nicky stops talking and shuts down completely. He shakes off Alex’s hand and pushes him away as hard as he can.
They sit in stunned and icy silence for minutes that stretch out as long as hours before Nicklas quietly tells Alex that despite their friendship, Alex can’t touch him. When Alex asks when it can happen again, Nicky simply replies that he doesn’t know. They can talk, but there’s no way that he can bear anyone touching him. Not until he works everything out and he doesn’t know when that will be.
Although Alex wants to push through that barrier and show Nicky that it’s not the same, nor is it the best solution for him to take, he restrains himself. Despite every single fibre of his being protesting against his decision, he replies that he understands.
But he really doesn’t and he’s never felt so helpless in all of his life when gives in to a request that he knows is wrong, yet is unable to fix no matter how much he wants to. And this is when he realizes why Nicklas had held on to his silence so stubbornly.
Alex looks at Nicklas, who only shakes his head before he reaches out and gives him the briefest of touches. Alex knows it’s not okay just yet. And that it’s going to take a long time for it to be okay, but Nicklas is willing enough to acknowledge Alex needing assurance. That at least, goes a long way to ease the ache that he’s going to have to get used to till that happens.
End.