(FIC) Let Us Never Speak Of It Again
Nicklas thinks that Alex is on the phone with Geno. He’s not sure if Alex really is talking with his fellow Russsian because it’s all too quiet in the house. Nicklas is sitting in the living room and all he can hear is the sound of traffic coming in from the open window and the dripping of the tap. They were supposed to be watching movies, but that has somehow fallen by the wayside, like everything has that day.
Nicklas doesn’t even know how he feels about everything that happened in Pittsburgh. Part of him is ashamed and disgusted at what went down in that person’s house. Part of him is still angry that the situation got so fucked up and that he behaved like an asshole (he did apologize, but it didn’t seem to make a difference in the end) in front of random strangers in someone else’s home. He just wants for it to completely be sealed up in the past and never speak of it ever again.
He leans forward, his elbows on his knees as he tries to sort through the blurred and hazy memories of the night. He can’t piece a proper picture together, only flashes of fuzzy images that alone, don’t make much sense at all. Nothing makes sense and he knows he won’t try to make it do so.
He’s not wanted to forget something as badly as he has at that particular moment. He doesn’t want to remember how it felt when he was in the bathroom. How he felt as he was shivering, waiting for it to be over as the spray of the shower got colder. How it hurt to get his hair pulled and his head yanked back as he got fucked. How it hurt as he was entered and how much it stung when his inner thigh got bit. How disgusted and ashamed and angry he was at himself when he found traces of semen on the backs of his legs as he pulled his clothes on again.
He tried to not remember the words that had been whispered into his ear, but they still surfaced in his memory: “You like this? Giving it up to save him? Huh?”
Nicklas closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t know how long it is going to take to forget that. It’s not rape, because he never said no. But it certainly wasn’t sex or lovemaking. He gets yanked out of his thoughts when Alex comes into the room looking exhausted and depressed. Nicklas looks up and wonders if he’s going to get yelled at. After all, they both got too caught up in the drama themselves and although they both worked out their own issues during the long car ride, Nicklas is worried.
His worry doesn’t get eased until Alex tells him that it’s all done. Geno doesn’t want to see either Alex or Nicklas again and that Guerin also hates Nicklas. This surprises Nicklas and he asks Alex if Geno’s aware of Guerin’s behaviour and if he’s just saying that to make the situation be all Nicklas’ fault.
Alex makes a face and runs his hands through his hair before he tells Nicklas he thinks the same thing. Alex also tells Nicklas that despite wanting to talk to Geno about the situation, Alex found he didn’t care to hear what Geno said about anything. It was a bad situation all around, mostly because of Geno’s inability to admit that he had fucked up as much as they had.
Nicklas apologizes, but Alex shrugs it off and comes to sit down next to him on the couch. They sit in silence for lord knows how long, both still lost in their thoughts until Alex reaches out and pats Nicklas on the head.
That touch is all that makes Nicklas feel like it was all worth it.
But he’s still never going to tell Alex why he let that man use him like that.
.
Nicklas doesn’t even know how he feels about everything that happened in Pittsburgh. Part of him is ashamed and disgusted at what went down in that person’s house. Part of him is still angry that the situation got so fucked up and that he behaved like an asshole (he did apologize, but it didn’t seem to make a difference in the end) in front of random strangers in someone else’s home. He just wants for it to completely be sealed up in the past and never speak of it ever again.
He leans forward, his elbows on his knees as he tries to sort through the blurred and hazy memories of the night. He can’t piece a proper picture together, only flashes of fuzzy images that alone, don’t make much sense at all. Nothing makes sense and he knows he won’t try to make it do so.
He’s not wanted to forget something as badly as he has at that particular moment. He doesn’t want to remember how it felt when he was in the bathroom. How he felt as he was shivering, waiting for it to be over as the spray of the shower got colder. How it hurt to get his hair pulled and his head yanked back as he got fucked. How it hurt as he was entered and how much it stung when his inner thigh got bit. How disgusted and ashamed and angry he was at himself when he found traces of semen on the backs of his legs as he pulled his clothes on again.
He tried to not remember the words that had been whispered into his ear, but they still surfaced in his memory: “You like this? Giving it up to save him? Huh?”
Nicklas closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t know how long it is going to take to forget that. It’s not rape, because he never said no. But it certainly wasn’t sex or lovemaking. He gets yanked out of his thoughts when Alex comes into the room looking exhausted and depressed. Nicklas looks up and wonders if he’s going to get yelled at. After all, they both got too caught up in the drama themselves and although they both worked out their own issues during the long car ride, Nicklas is worried.
His worry doesn’t get eased until Alex tells him that it’s all done. Geno doesn’t want to see either Alex or Nicklas again and that Guerin also hates Nicklas. This surprises Nicklas and he asks Alex if Geno’s aware of Guerin’s behaviour and if he’s just saying that to make the situation be all Nicklas’ fault.
Alex makes a face and runs his hands through his hair before he tells Nicklas he thinks the same thing. Alex also tells Nicklas that despite wanting to talk to Geno about the situation, Alex found he didn’t care to hear what Geno said about anything. It was a bad situation all around, mostly because of Geno’s inability to admit that he had fucked up as much as they had.
Nicklas apologizes, but Alex shrugs it off and comes to sit down next to him on the couch. They sit in silence for lord knows how long, both still lost in their thoughts until Alex reaches out and pats Nicklas on the head.
That touch is all that makes Nicklas feel like it was all worth it.
But he’s still never going to tell Alex why he let that man use him like that.
.