Flyers Fic
TITLE: "Breathing"
BY: exigencyexit
FANDOM: NHL
TEAM(S): Philadelphia Flyers
PAIRING(S): Mentions of Joffrey Lupul/Scottie Upshall, Joffrey Lupul/Mike Richards, Scottie Upshall/Others, Mike Richards/Jeff Carter
RATING: R
DISCLAIMER: Very false, although the lyrics are real.
WARNINGS: Some language, some angst.
SUMMARY: There's a guitar, a song needed to be sung, and a moment of reflection.
CREDIT: To tinydancermags who pointed out I was giving off hints of a Joff/Richie backstory when I didn't even realized I was.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I was avoiding writing anything that would hurt Joff and Scottie's relationship (even tho it isn't healthy to begin with) but I got the bunny driving to work this morning while listening to a song called "Breathing" by Lifehouse. Scottie was out of the game last night due to the flu, and I wanted Joff to sing him a song, and in the end this is what happened. I'm gonna try to make this as less confusing as possible - words italicized in quotes are sung (by Joff), words just italicized are a thought (but all words italicized are lyrics). ENJOY! *Not edited.
The sound of a guitar, strings strummed lightly, peacefully, as fingertips pressed on the neck and moved cautiously. Notes floating in the air, played too long or too short, lingering with each new chord. A song being played, maybe as the second, or even first guitar, never lead, but calmly filling the silence that was passing through the room. The song was never broken, played with fault and not so much perfection, but it sounded well enough and pleased the man who held the instrument on his lap.
The pick was blue, a slight comparasion to his mood, but it worked fine and he held it tightly as he let the opening licks play. Nothing mattered much, nothing mattered more than his guitar and sleeping friend, the latter in another room unaware of his surroundings outside of the bedroom door. There was no need to be woken up; he didn't need to know the song was being played for him. It was like words that were always left unsaid, or things done that didn't mean to twist the knife more, or even the looks given that were never seen because they were always given behind his back.
A secret, the best kept secret, and Joffrey Lupul knew it, no one else.
"I'm finding my way back to sanity again; though I don't really knew what I'm gonna do when I get there..."
He was a little chalky at first, his voice still warming up to the fact that he was performing in front of his pretend audience. He cleared his throat, repeated a couple chords and continued.
"I take a breath and hold on tight; sping around one more time, and gracefully fall back into the arms of grace."
A warm feeling suddenly washed over Joff, and he frowned, a bit confused, the feeling more painful then what he thought it was. It hurt more in his chest, around his heart, but it burned in his head because he didn't want to think about it. The feeling was like a scar, almost permanent, sitting around and constantly reminding him of who he was. Sadness soon crept up and Joff had no choice but to continue playing the song.
It wasn't playing hockey that made him feel that way; it was who he couldn't help loving.
"Cause I'm hanging on every word you're saying; even if you don't want to speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me; cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing; it's where I wanna be, yeah, where I wanna be..."
Ten years. Ten long fucking years. He met Scottie Upshall during the most important days of his life, and then Scottie became the most important person in his life and Joff was still unsure exactly when he fell in love with him. Maybe it was during the summer, at camps, during the sleepless nights spent talking. Maybe it was during Juniors, when Scottie kissed him at the bottom of the dogpile on the ice when they won their first game together. Or maybe it was when Scottie was traded to the Flyers, and he looked happy, told Joff there was no longer many miles seperating them from each other. It was hard for Joff to determine the exact moment, exact time, the exact reason why he found himself stuck in this situation. It was a situation where walls were put up and each little crack that was made was from a different time when Scottie fucked up. Two years later and Joff was pretty sure that wall would be crumbling down any day now.
He was letting the notes drown out, and before they disappeared Joff picked up on the strumming. He was sure the next notes were right. "I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth; and I'm trying to identify the voices in my head, god wish won't you..." Joff spent years trying to figure Scottie out, and then one day he realized there was nothing to figure out. Scottie was Scottie, no explanations, all man and athlete and there, in your face. Joff always knew what Scottie was like from the beginning. Full of energy, full of life, always ready to go somewhere, and, in most cases, always ready to do someone. Scottie had sex like he played hockey, fierce and passionate, and played hockey like he lived life. "Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel; and break these caluses off me one more time..." There was no warning label that came with Scottie, no customer service representative you could call if you had any problems. No manuals, no guides, no instructions, not even an off button. Joff had to deal with him, and that meant dealing with the "non-existant jealousy".
Fingetips were becoming a little sore and Joff paused, looked at them. The pick dropped from his other hand and disappeared down into the couch. Frustration washed over him, and after a moment of searching he found it, found the piece of small plastic that brought him back into his thoughts. He pushed the hurt from the rough pads on his fingers away and continued.
"Cause I'm hanging on every word you're saying; even if you don't wanna speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me; cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing; it's where I wanna be, yeah, where I wanna be..."
The jealousy...If Joff had to say exactly when, he would say it started the night Joff decided to room with Mike Richards instead of with Scottie on a three day road trip. He wasn't sure why he made the decision, but he did and Scottie wasn't happy. The conflict started. Accusations, arguements, a look in Scottie's eyes that Joff have never seen. After that, Joff became more aware of Scottie and Mike fell in love with Jeff Carter. The two never admitted anything.
Oh I don't want a thing from you
but you're tired of me waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground...
They were each other's firsts, surely seconds, and thirds, and so on. Scottie's fear of committment, if you could give him that excuse, and a silent approval Joff didn't know he gave, allowed Scottie to get away with sleeping with so many people. The team found it quite amusing, and Joff always pretended to laugh. Pretended to laugh because when Scottie would lay in his arms, or cuddle him after sex, or rub his body down with such kindness in the shower, it wasn't funny that Joff couldn't have Scottie to himself. It wasn't greed, or envy, and they were way past lust. It was more of a fulfilled satisfaction that Scottie gave him, if only for a brief moment every time, and Joff didn't want to lose that.
"Cause I just wanna be here now..." The song suddenly became about Richie as well. There was no hiding it. As Joff sang it, more and more, he realized what he was doing. The distraction was still there, maybe with Jeff too because there were always the threesomes and then the looks of admiration. But the distraction became unnoticeable, to Richie, to Scottie, and Joff still knew that Richie was there, around him, could be with him, and Scottie was still going to do what he always did.
"Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing; it's where I wanna be, yeah..." The notes faded and Joff sank back into the couch. He let the guitar fall from his hands, land on the floor with a soft thud, and threw the pick across the room. He was sure it landed somewhere, anywhere, and with millions of others lying around he could care less if he never found it again. It was almost like never finding that feeling he had with Richie, a feeling of security and trust and maybe that feeling of being in love.
Joff remembered when that started. It was the year before Scottie got traded, just those couple months where the ex-Predator had distant himself from Joff. It was the months where Scottie found something, found someone to play with, and in return Joff found a distraction. The distraction was a friendship, already blossomed months prior, but it was the distraction of friendly hand jobs and make-out sessions after a game. It was the distraction of a friendship turning into something more, something that included morning fucks, pre-game quickies and then, soon, making love at night. It stopped when Scottie finally came about, moved across the street, and found out that Richie wasn't just a teammate. It wasn't so bad when Jeff came into the picture. Joff was sure that Richie loved Jeff all along; maybe Richie even used Joff as a distraction. He couldn't tell, and he didn't want to figure it out.
There was a vibration against his leg and Joff fished for his cell phone in his pocket. The caller ID read it was Jeff calling. Richie was at home, sick like Scottie, leaving Joff to wonder who gave it to who. Braydon Coburn was sick too; maybe there was something going on between all three...Joff rolled his eyes and rubbed his forehead. The phone was still vibrating, Jeff still waiting, and Joff finally answered the phone.
Don't think about it anymore. Stop obsessing over it. Scottie stared at the ceiling and pulled the sheets closer to his body. A sniffle, he rubbed his eyes, reached for a tissue. Don't worry about the song, because maybe there's no actual meaning behind it at all.
BY: exigencyexit
FANDOM: NHL
TEAM(S): Philadelphia Flyers
PAIRING(S): Mentions of Joffrey Lupul/Scottie Upshall, Joffrey Lupul/Mike Richards, Scottie Upshall/Others, Mike Richards/Jeff Carter
RATING: R
DISCLAIMER: Very false, although the lyrics are real.
WARNINGS: Some language, some angst.
SUMMARY: There's a guitar, a song needed to be sung, and a moment of reflection.
CREDIT: To tinydancermags who pointed out I was giving off hints of a Joff/Richie backstory when I didn't even realized I was.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I was avoiding writing anything that would hurt Joff and Scottie's relationship (even tho it isn't healthy to begin with) but I got the bunny driving to work this morning while listening to a song called "Breathing" by Lifehouse. Scottie was out of the game last night due to the flu, and I wanted Joff to sing him a song, and in the end this is what happened. I'm gonna try to make this as less confusing as possible - words italicized in quotes are sung (by Joff), words just italicized are a thought (but all words italicized are lyrics). ENJOY! *Not edited.
The sound of a guitar, strings strummed lightly, peacefully, as fingertips pressed on the neck and moved cautiously. Notes floating in the air, played too long or too short, lingering with each new chord. A song being played, maybe as the second, or even first guitar, never lead, but calmly filling the silence that was passing through the room. The song was never broken, played with fault and not so much perfection, but it sounded well enough and pleased the man who held the instrument on his lap.
The pick was blue, a slight comparasion to his mood, but it worked fine and he held it tightly as he let the opening licks play. Nothing mattered much, nothing mattered more than his guitar and sleeping friend, the latter in another room unaware of his surroundings outside of the bedroom door. There was no need to be woken up; he didn't need to know the song was being played for him. It was like words that were always left unsaid, or things done that didn't mean to twist the knife more, or even the looks given that were never seen because they were always given behind his back.
A secret, the best kept secret, and Joffrey Lupul knew it, no one else.
"I'm finding my way back to sanity again; though I don't really knew what I'm gonna do when I get there..."
He was a little chalky at first, his voice still warming up to the fact that he was performing in front of his pretend audience. He cleared his throat, repeated a couple chords and continued.
"I take a breath and hold on tight; sping around one more time, and gracefully fall back into the arms of grace."
A warm feeling suddenly washed over Joff, and he frowned, a bit confused, the feeling more painful then what he thought it was. It hurt more in his chest, around his heart, but it burned in his head because he didn't want to think about it. The feeling was like a scar, almost permanent, sitting around and constantly reminding him of who he was. Sadness soon crept up and Joff had no choice but to continue playing the song.
It wasn't playing hockey that made him feel that way; it was who he couldn't help loving.
"Cause I'm hanging on every word you're saying; even if you don't want to speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me; cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing; it's where I wanna be, yeah, where I wanna be..."
Ten years. Ten long fucking years. He met Scottie Upshall during the most important days of his life, and then Scottie became the most important person in his life and Joff was still unsure exactly when he fell in love with him. Maybe it was during the summer, at camps, during the sleepless nights spent talking. Maybe it was during Juniors, when Scottie kissed him at the bottom of the dogpile on the ice when they won their first game together. Or maybe it was when Scottie was traded to the Flyers, and he looked happy, told Joff there was no longer many miles seperating them from each other. It was hard for Joff to determine the exact moment, exact time, the exact reason why he found himself stuck in this situation. It was a situation where walls were put up and each little crack that was made was from a different time when Scottie fucked up. Two years later and Joff was pretty sure that wall would be crumbling down any day now.
He was letting the notes drown out, and before they disappeared Joff picked up on the strumming. He was sure the next notes were right. "I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth; and I'm trying to identify the voices in my head, god wish won't you..." Joff spent years trying to figure Scottie out, and then one day he realized there was nothing to figure out. Scottie was Scottie, no explanations, all man and athlete and there, in your face. Joff always knew what Scottie was like from the beginning. Full of energy, full of life, always ready to go somewhere, and, in most cases, always ready to do someone. Scottie had sex like he played hockey, fierce and passionate, and played hockey like he lived life. "Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel; and break these caluses off me one more time..." There was no warning label that came with Scottie, no customer service representative you could call if you had any problems. No manuals, no guides, no instructions, not even an off button. Joff had to deal with him, and that meant dealing with the "non-existant jealousy".
Fingetips were becoming a little sore and Joff paused, looked at them. The pick dropped from his other hand and disappeared down into the couch. Frustration washed over him, and after a moment of searching he found it, found the piece of small plastic that brought him back into his thoughts. He pushed the hurt from the rough pads on his fingers away and continued.
"Cause I'm hanging on every word you're saying; even if you don't wanna speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me; cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing; it's where I wanna be, yeah, where I wanna be..."
The jealousy...If Joff had to say exactly when, he would say it started the night Joff decided to room with Mike Richards instead of with Scottie on a three day road trip. He wasn't sure why he made the decision, but he did and Scottie wasn't happy. The conflict started. Accusations, arguements, a look in Scottie's eyes that Joff have never seen. After that, Joff became more aware of Scottie and Mike fell in love with Jeff Carter. The two never admitted anything.
Oh I don't want a thing from you
but you're tired of me waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground...
They were each other's firsts, surely seconds, and thirds, and so on. Scottie's fear of committment, if you could give him that excuse, and a silent approval Joff didn't know he gave, allowed Scottie to get away with sleeping with so many people. The team found it quite amusing, and Joff always pretended to laugh. Pretended to laugh because when Scottie would lay in his arms, or cuddle him after sex, or rub his body down with such kindness in the shower, it wasn't funny that Joff couldn't have Scottie to himself. It wasn't greed, or envy, and they were way past lust. It was more of a fulfilled satisfaction that Scottie gave him, if only for a brief moment every time, and Joff didn't want to lose that.
"Cause I just wanna be here now..." The song suddenly became about Richie as well. There was no hiding it. As Joff sang it, more and more, he realized what he was doing. The distraction was still there, maybe with Jeff too because there were always the threesomes and then the looks of admiration. But the distraction became unnoticeable, to Richie, to Scottie, and Joff still knew that Richie was there, around him, could be with him, and Scottie was still going to do what he always did.
"Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing; it's where I wanna be, yeah..." The notes faded and Joff sank back into the couch. He let the guitar fall from his hands, land on the floor with a soft thud, and threw the pick across the room. He was sure it landed somewhere, anywhere, and with millions of others lying around he could care less if he never found it again. It was almost like never finding that feeling he had with Richie, a feeling of security and trust and maybe that feeling of being in love.
Joff remembered when that started. It was the year before Scottie got traded, just those couple months where the ex-Predator had distant himself from Joff. It was the months where Scottie found something, found someone to play with, and in return Joff found a distraction. The distraction was a friendship, already blossomed months prior, but it was the distraction of friendly hand jobs and make-out sessions after a game. It was the distraction of a friendship turning into something more, something that included morning fucks, pre-game quickies and then, soon, making love at night. It stopped when Scottie finally came about, moved across the street, and found out that Richie wasn't just a teammate. It wasn't so bad when Jeff came into the picture. Joff was sure that Richie loved Jeff all along; maybe Richie even used Joff as a distraction. He couldn't tell, and he didn't want to figure it out.
There was a vibration against his leg and Joff fished for his cell phone in his pocket. The caller ID read it was Jeff calling. Richie was at home, sick like Scottie, leaving Joff to wonder who gave it to who. Braydon Coburn was sick too; maybe there was something going on between all three...Joff rolled his eyes and rubbed his forehead. The phone was still vibrating, Jeff still waiting, and Joff finally answered the phone.
Don't think about it anymore. Stop obsessing over it. Scottie stared at the ceiling and pulled the sheets closer to his body. A sniffle, he rubbed his eyes, reached for a tissue. Don't worry about the song, because maybe there's no actual meaning behind it at all.