If Only You Knew
Title: If Only You Knew
Author: voldemortistxx & heartandmindxx
Pairing: Sam Gagner / Andrew Cogliano - Edmonton Oilers
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Not ours. Unfortunately.
Sam cried out, raking his nails across Robert's back as fingers pressed hard into his hips. He moaned, throwing his head back to allow better access to the pale skin of his neck as the man above him lead a relentless attack on his body and his senses. He could feel his entire body tightening with pleasure as he came, screaming out a mix of profanities and gripping tightly onto Robert's shoulders. Robert released almost immediately after, his teeth clamping down on Sam's neck. The bite soon turned to a soft kiss as Robert gasped against Sam's skin. Sam dropped his arms to his side and attempted to catch his breath, closing his eyes in exhaustion.
Choosing to skip the post-coital glow, Robert wasted no time in rolling off the bed and began searching for his clothes. He tossed the condom into the garbage and pulled his jeans on, grabbing his shirt as he left the room. He turned back at the doorway and sent a wink to the still-recovering boy on the bed.
"Say hi to Cogs for me."
And Sam was left wondering what the fuck he'd just done.
Andrew fumbled his keys in his hands, trying to find the correct fit for the front door. He stuck the key in the door, but before he could turn the lock, the door was thrust open from the inside, leaving Andrew staring at his teammate, Robert Nilsson.
"Uh, what are you doing here?" Andrew asked, giving Robert a quizzical look.
"I was just leaving." Robert said. Giving Andrew a wink and a wicked grin, Robert shoved passed him and made his way to his car. Andrew shook his head and went inside. Sometimes he wondered about Robert. Andrew kicked off his shoes and hung up his jacket, happy to be home for the time being, even if they did have to go to practice later on.
"Sam...?" He called out.
Sam's eyes shot open as he heard Andrew's voice ring out through the house. He scrambled off the bed, ignoring his exhaustion, and rushed to find his boxers and jeans which were conveniently scattered across the room. He could hear Andrew coming down the basement stairs much quicker than he had time for. He was still frantically searching his room for a shirt as Andrew's footsteps approached the door. In an act of desperation, he lunged for the door, slamming it shut just as Andrew began to push it open further.
"Don't come in."
Andrew laughed, "If you're naked, it's not like I haven't seen it before. Come on- let me in. I have to talk to you."
Sam grabbed a hoodie from his closet and threw it on, making sure to cover the marks on his neck. He opened the door.
"What were you doing in there?" Andrew asked, peering in.
"Um. Napping. I was sleeping, I took a nap." Sam said, fumbling for words.
Andrew cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. "Naked? With Bobby?"
"Oh, uh, did he leave? I must have fallen asleep. Is he gone? Did you see him?"
"Yeah... He left." Andrew said, giving Sam a look. "Are you okay?" Sam nodded furiously. "Okay well. Um, I got you something." Andrew mumbled. He could feel his face becoming hot as he held out the box to Sam. Sam took the box carefully, and shook it up to his ear.
"What is this?" He asked, bringing his eyes back to Andrew's.
"Oh, well. You know... I guess it's like..." He brought his eyes down to the floor. "A peace offering?" He closed his eyes feeling like a dumb ass, only to open them when Sam let out a snort of laughter.
"How sweet. Dinner for two. You didn't really need to box this up, you know." Sam laughed. Andrew looked back up at Sam, hoping Sam would say something more.
"Am I forgiven?" He asked, smiling slightly.
The smile on Sam's face faltered.
"Andrew, what you did was really shitty. You think taking me out to dinner is going to fix it?" He said, trying not to sound angry. He knew he was being a total hypocrite, and that if Andrew knew what had just happened, he definitely wouldn't accept a dinner for two as repayment.
"Look, Sam, I'm sorry." Andrew said, taking a hold of Sam's hand. "I know it was shitty and I promise I'll never let anything like that happen again, ok? Just... I don't want to ruin this." He bit his lip, taking a deep breath. "I don't want to lose you."
Sam sighed. "I don't want to lose you either. But it's not something I can just 'get over', ok? I'm not like that." He looked down at Andrew's hand in his own. He squeezed it gently before dropping it. "Let me think about it. Let’s just go to practice."
"Okay." Andrew agreed, walking back to the doorway, and grabbing his keys. "I'll drive." They drove in silence to Rexall Place, neither of them having much to say. They parked and walked to the dressing room, each taking to their own spot, chatting to the rest of the team, and getting ready for the practice. They stepped onto the ice and began to warm up, and Andrew noticed Sam on the other side of the ice with Robert. That was weird to him - they'd always pretty much practiced together. Andrew shook his head, knowing that Sam probably just wanted some space from the confrontation before, yet he couldn't help feeling the seed of jealousy planted in him mind as he watched the way Robert effortlessly made Sam laugh.
Sam tried not to blush as Robert effortlessly flirted with him. Robert had always been very forward with his flirting, but after what had happened earlier, he'd taken it to a whole new level. He was glad he and Robert stood alone on that side of the ice- he couldn't imagine what he'd do if someone- especially Andrew- heard what they were saying.
"Shut up, Bobby!" Sam giggled, pushing him gently.
Robert laughed and shoved Sam against the glass playfully. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Maybe it's you who needs to shut up, Sammy. The whole neighbourhood could hear you, you little screamer."
Sam felt his cheeks flushing as he pushed Robert away with a laugh and a 'fuck you'. He was about to skate off when his eyes caught Andrew's from across the rink, the tell-tale signs of jealousy etched across his face.
After practice was over Andrew left the ice first, almost sprinting to the locker room. He threw his jersey to the ground and untied his skates a little more violent than usual. What the hell was Robert's problem? More importantly, what was Sam playing? He kicked his skates under the bench and grabbed a towel and headed to the showers. With the hot water on full blast, Andrew stood underneath it, closed his eyes and let all of his worries be washed away. Nothing's wrong. You're crazy. He ran his hands through his hair. Just chill. He heard the door open, and looked behind him.
Sam stepped into the shower, hesitating as he saw that Andrew was already in there. He couldn't exactly stop and turn around, so he continued, leaving a showerhead in between him and Andrew. He knew that on a different day, the two of them alone in the shower would lead to different things, but all he wanted to do now was just make it out of the shower without any confrontation. He could feel Andrew's eyes on him, but he tried to ignore it as he attempted to cover up his neck with his hands as often as possible.
Apparently, the Gods were not on his side at all that day, because Robert stepped into the shower at that moment, in all his Swedish glory. He took the showerhead in between Sam and Andrew, giving Sam an obvious once-over before turning to Andrew and winking.
Sam stole a glance at Andrew, his eyes darting back to the wall in front of him as he met Andrew's wide eyes, a look of realization on his face.
Andrew looked away first. He turned off the water and shot a death glare at Robert followed by a look of hurt at Sam and left the showers. He dressed slowly in a sort of daze. He wanted to leave, just drive until he ran out of gas but something was keeping him back. What if he was wrong? What if he was just assuming things? He sat down on the bench and put his head in his hands, closing his eyes. He couldn't just leave, he knew that. He was going to have to talk to Sam.
Andrew said goodbye to the rest of the guys in the dressing room and walked slowly back to his car. He tossed his bag in the truck and leaned against the side of his car, happy that it was at least a nice day.
After they had finished getting dressed, Sam and Robert left the arena together, laughing easily. Sam knew that he had come to Rexall with Andrew, and that he'd have to leave the same way. He sighed inwardly. It wasn't that he was even really mad at Andrew, and no way in hell was he considering leaving him for Robert, but the guilt that weighed on his mind was just too much to even want to talk to him at the moment. He just prayed he could get by without Andrew ever knowing- but by the look he'd given him in the shower, Sam guessed that he already knew. He said his goodbyes to Robert and made his way to the car, where Andrew was waiting.
Andrew stared at the ground the entire time that Sam was walking over to him. When Sam stopped, Andrew looked up, not even sure what to say. He didn't want to accuse Sam, but at the same time he did. He opened the trunk for Sam to put his bag in, and slammed the hood down a little harder than he'd meant to, startling Sam.
"Do you have anything to tell me, or should I just assume that I'm correct?" Andrew asked in a cold voice, searching Sam's eyes for any last minute signs that he was way out of line in his accusation.
Sam tried not to wince as Andrew slammed the door, looking at him expectantly with such rage in his eyes that Sam wanted to run and hide. What was he supposed to do? Just tell him, "Yea, Robert fucked me while you were out"?
"I don't know what you're talking about."
That set Andrew off like a loose cannon. "Don't play fucking dumb with me, Sam!" He slammed his fist down on the back of the car. "You have marks everywhere! You think that fucking bite on your neck isn't noticeable?"
"Andrew, I-" Sam tried to start, but was quickly cut off.
"Shut the fuck up, Sam. I came home trying to apologize to you, and you made me sound like the bad guy when you'd spent the day fucking our linemate!"
"Andrew, no. It wasn't like that..." Sam bit his lip and looked away.
"Oh, right. I suppose it was an accident? Was it also an accident that you spent the entire practice fucking flirting with him like you're in sixth grade?! Do you think I'm stupid? Or that I wouldn't find out? Jesus." Andrew was almost snarling at this point. Sam kept his eyes to the ground, afraid to say anything.
"You won’t even look at me." Andrew mumbled. "Sam, look at me!" He was almost yelling now. Sam brought his eyes slowly to Andrew's. "Why?" was the only thing Andrew had left to say.
Sam looked into Andrew's dark eyes and almost felt the urge to cry. The hatred in Andrew's eyes had turned to sorrow, and suddenly Sam hated himself for what he'd done.
"Andrew, I..." He said, biting his lip. There wasn't much of a way out. "I just... I was so angry..."
Andrew scoffed. "You think being angry at me justifies cheating on me? With one of our best friends?"
"I..." Sam brought his voice to a whisper, biting back tears. "I was scared."
"Scared of what, me finding out? Obviously not of losing me, because you seemed to jump in with no thought of that."
"Just fucking listen to me, ok!?" Sam yelled, taking his turn to slam his fist down on the car. He hoped none of his teammates had stuck around long enough to see the exchange. "Scared because what you did hurt me so much. Scared that something that's so little with anyone else can be that huge when it's with you. Scared because I didn't know what to do." He turned his away, so ready to run. "Scared because I'm fucking in love with you."
Andrew caught his breath in his throat, a little bit stunned by what Sam had just said. Sure they'd been together for a while now, but they'd never exchanged that phrase. The moment of silence between them seemed to last a lifetime. Andrew saw in Sam's eyes the regret he felt, and even though he was hurt beyond belief, he couldn't just stand there. He walked over and touched his fingers lightly to Sam's cheek, causing Sam to bring his eyes to Andrew's.
"Sam..." Andrew said faintly. It seemed like the only thing he could say.
Sam flinched lightly as Andrew's fingers brushed his skin- he still wasn't sure if Andrew was coming over to hit him. His breathing hitched as Andrew spoke and he became suddenly aware that he would not be hearing the feeling reciprocated. He looked into Andrew's eyes, reaching up to take his hand.
"Can you forgive me?" He pleased, rubbing his thumb against Andrew's palm. "Can we start over?"
Andrew sighed. "Sam... You say that even the little things seem big with me... Imagine how you cheating on me feels." He looked into the sky, dropping Sam's hand. "Fuck. I don't know."
"I'm sorry." Sam mumbled and his eyes fell to the ground. Andrew looked away and shook his head.
"I'll drive you home" Andrew walked to the driver's door, careful to not make eye contact with Sam on the way. He unlocked the door and got in. Sam followed silently. Andrew turned in his seat and looked at Sam.
"Sam, I just... I think I just need some time to think." He turned the key and the engine came to life, bringing the radio on with it. Andrew put the volume to max.
Sam stared out the window holding back tears for the entire 40 minute drive back to their house. He knew he'd fucked up. Fucked up when he slept with Robert and fucked up when he told Andrew that he loved him. There was no doubt in his mind that Andrew had just taken it as a last-ditch effort for forgiveness, and not for real, like he'd meant it. They'd been together for long enough that Sam could tell- it never felt this way with Patrick, or any other person he'd ever been with. Andrew was special, Andrew was perfect. Andrew was everything to him.
When they arrived at the house, Sam watched as Andrew ignored Tom's questions about dinner and trudged up the stairs, hearing his bedroom door shut quietly. Tom looked at Sam, raising an eyebrow.
"Trouble in paradise?" He asked. Sam gave him a harsh look, causing Tom to raise his hands in the air and step back. "Whoa, ok. What did you want to-"
"I'm not hungry." He replied quickly, already making his way down the stairs to escape to his room.
Andrew threw himself on his bed and grabbed his iPod from his bedside table. He didn't want to think about anything at all so he played his music at full blast.
After a few minutes, he realized it wasn't working. Song after song seemed to remind him of Sam in one way or another.
"Fuck!" He yelled, sending his iPod flying across the room to land on a pile of clothes. He thrust his door open and made his way to the kitchen, knowing that Sam wouldn't be coming upstairs anytime soon. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, sat down in front of the TV and started flipping through channels. He wasn't really looking for anything to watch, and when he finally landed on the sports highlights he wasn't paying any attention whatsoever. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, trying to figure out the jumbled thoughts in his mind.
Once Sam had shut the door to his room, it was like there was no reason for him to hide his emotions any further. He slammed his fist into the wall, sending a picture to the ground. He cursed loudly, kicking through the clothes all over his bedroom floor, stopping as he reached an unrecognizable piece of cloth. He nudged it with his foot, before he felt the tears coming. Apparently, Robert had left in such a rush that he'd forgotten his boxers. Suddenly the true realization of what he'd done that day hit him like a bag of pucks, and he felt the tears start to slip down his face. He couldn't believe he'd jeopardized his relationship with Andrew over something so stupid. He couldn't believe he'd let it happen. He couldn't even bring himself to blame Robert- it had been all his doing.
He collapsed on the bed and sobbed into his pillow, praying that no one would hear him.
"Well, Gagner was a key reason why the Oilers did so well on the home stretch last year, and they're hoping for the same this year..." Andrew's eyes snapped open to see the NHL analysts talking about his team. He smiled to himself as they showed some of the goals from last season, his smiling widening when he saw himself score a beauty - but it completely fell when he saw Sam. The way he skated, the way he effortlessly sent the puck tape to tape down the ice, the way his smile made Andrew's heart melt after a goal. With his eyes glued to the TV screen, he realized instantly what it was he needed to do. He jumped off the couch, accidentally knocking over his bottle of beer, but not caring about it even remotely. He made his way down the stairs in a daze, and when he got to Sam's door he didn't even bother to knock.
"Sam. I love you. I love you so much!" He almost yelled through the door.
Sam awoke blearily, unsure of what exactly was going on. He thought he'd heard yelling, but couldn't be sure. Memories of the day flooded back to him as he looked down at his pillow to see it wet with tears. He must have cried himself to sleep. He sat up and rubbed at his eyes, and was about to look at the clock when he was startled to his feet at furious banging on the door.
"Sam! Are you there?"
Sam knew it was Andrew's voice but couldn't figure out why Andrew would want to talk to him, ever again. He stumbled over to the door and began to open it.
As soon as the knob turned, Andrew pushed the door open and tackled Sam to the bed, kissing him fiercely
"Whoa, what?" Sam managed to say in between kisses. Andrew leaned his head back and looked into Sam's eyes.
"Look, I know we both fucked up pretty bad, but... I can't see myself being happier with anyone else on the planet." Andrew's hand found Sam's and he squeezed it. "And I love you." Andrew kissed him softly.
"You- you do?" Sam said, sounding more surprised than he might have liked. "You mean- even after..."
Andrew leaned in and kissed him deeply, letting Sam know how he felt through the kiss. "Mistakes happen. Just promise that it won't happen ever again."
Sam smiled brightly. "I- of course, Andrew- Anything you want from me, I'll- Anything." He brought his hands up to either side of Andrew's face and pulled him in. "I love you. I love you so much."
"Shut up, Sam." Andrew chuckled and kissed him. Everything was alright; everything was going to be alright. Andrew knew it would, because as long as he had Sam, he didn't need much else.
Author: voldemortistxx & heartandmindxx
Pairing: Sam Gagner / Andrew Cogliano - Edmonton Oilers
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Not ours. Unfortunately.
Sam cried out, raking his nails across Robert's back as fingers pressed hard into his hips. He moaned, throwing his head back to allow better access to the pale skin of his neck as the man above him lead a relentless attack on his body and his senses. He could feel his entire body tightening with pleasure as he came, screaming out a mix of profanities and gripping tightly onto Robert's shoulders. Robert released almost immediately after, his teeth clamping down on Sam's neck. The bite soon turned to a soft kiss as Robert gasped against Sam's skin. Sam dropped his arms to his side and attempted to catch his breath, closing his eyes in exhaustion.
Choosing to skip the post-coital glow, Robert wasted no time in rolling off the bed and began searching for his clothes. He tossed the condom into the garbage and pulled his jeans on, grabbing his shirt as he left the room. He turned back at the doorway and sent a wink to the still-recovering boy on the bed.
"Say hi to Cogs for me."
And Sam was left wondering what the fuck he'd just done.
Andrew fumbled his keys in his hands, trying to find the correct fit for the front door. He stuck the key in the door, but before he could turn the lock, the door was thrust open from the inside, leaving Andrew staring at his teammate, Robert Nilsson.
"Uh, what are you doing here?" Andrew asked, giving Robert a quizzical look.
"I was just leaving." Robert said. Giving Andrew a wink and a wicked grin, Robert shoved passed him and made his way to his car. Andrew shook his head and went inside. Sometimes he wondered about Robert. Andrew kicked off his shoes and hung up his jacket, happy to be home for the time being, even if they did have to go to practice later on.
"Sam...?" He called out.
Sam's eyes shot open as he heard Andrew's voice ring out through the house. He scrambled off the bed, ignoring his exhaustion, and rushed to find his boxers and jeans which were conveniently scattered across the room. He could hear Andrew coming down the basement stairs much quicker than he had time for. He was still frantically searching his room for a shirt as Andrew's footsteps approached the door. In an act of desperation, he lunged for the door, slamming it shut just as Andrew began to push it open further.
"Don't come in."
Andrew laughed, "If you're naked, it's not like I haven't seen it before. Come on- let me in. I have to talk to you."
Sam grabbed a hoodie from his closet and threw it on, making sure to cover the marks on his neck. He opened the door.
"What were you doing in there?" Andrew asked, peering in.
"Um. Napping. I was sleeping, I took a nap." Sam said, fumbling for words.
Andrew cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. "Naked? With Bobby?"
"Oh, uh, did he leave? I must have fallen asleep. Is he gone? Did you see him?"
"Yeah... He left." Andrew said, giving Sam a look. "Are you okay?" Sam nodded furiously. "Okay well. Um, I got you something." Andrew mumbled. He could feel his face becoming hot as he held out the box to Sam. Sam took the box carefully, and shook it up to his ear.
"What is this?" He asked, bringing his eyes back to Andrew's.
"Oh, well. You know... I guess it's like..." He brought his eyes down to the floor. "A peace offering?" He closed his eyes feeling like a dumb ass, only to open them when Sam let out a snort of laughter.
"How sweet. Dinner for two. You didn't really need to box this up, you know." Sam laughed. Andrew looked back up at Sam, hoping Sam would say something more.
"Am I forgiven?" He asked, smiling slightly.
The smile on Sam's face faltered.
"Andrew, what you did was really shitty. You think taking me out to dinner is going to fix it?" He said, trying not to sound angry. He knew he was being a total hypocrite, and that if Andrew knew what had just happened, he definitely wouldn't accept a dinner for two as repayment.
"Look, Sam, I'm sorry." Andrew said, taking a hold of Sam's hand. "I know it was shitty and I promise I'll never let anything like that happen again, ok? Just... I don't want to ruin this." He bit his lip, taking a deep breath. "I don't want to lose you."
Sam sighed. "I don't want to lose you either. But it's not something I can just 'get over', ok? I'm not like that." He looked down at Andrew's hand in his own. He squeezed it gently before dropping it. "Let me think about it. Let’s just go to practice."
"Okay." Andrew agreed, walking back to the doorway, and grabbing his keys. "I'll drive." They drove in silence to Rexall Place, neither of them having much to say. They parked and walked to the dressing room, each taking to their own spot, chatting to the rest of the team, and getting ready for the practice. They stepped onto the ice and began to warm up, and Andrew noticed Sam on the other side of the ice with Robert. That was weird to him - they'd always pretty much practiced together. Andrew shook his head, knowing that Sam probably just wanted some space from the confrontation before, yet he couldn't help feeling the seed of jealousy planted in him mind as he watched the way Robert effortlessly made Sam laugh.
Sam tried not to blush as Robert effortlessly flirted with him. Robert had always been very forward with his flirting, but after what had happened earlier, he'd taken it to a whole new level. He was glad he and Robert stood alone on that side of the ice- he couldn't imagine what he'd do if someone- especially Andrew- heard what they were saying.
"Shut up, Bobby!" Sam giggled, pushing him gently.
Robert laughed and shoved Sam against the glass playfully. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Maybe it's you who needs to shut up, Sammy. The whole neighbourhood could hear you, you little screamer."
Sam felt his cheeks flushing as he pushed Robert away with a laugh and a 'fuck you'. He was about to skate off when his eyes caught Andrew's from across the rink, the tell-tale signs of jealousy etched across his face.
After practice was over Andrew left the ice first, almost sprinting to the locker room. He threw his jersey to the ground and untied his skates a little more violent than usual. What the hell was Robert's problem? More importantly, what was Sam playing? He kicked his skates under the bench and grabbed a towel and headed to the showers. With the hot water on full blast, Andrew stood underneath it, closed his eyes and let all of his worries be washed away. Nothing's wrong. You're crazy. He ran his hands through his hair. Just chill. He heard the door open, and looked behind him.
Sam stepped into the shower, hesitating as he saw that Andrew was already in there. He couldn't exactly stop and turn around, so he continued, leaving a showerhead in between him and Andrew. He knew that on a different day, the two of them alone in the shower would lead to different things, but all he wanted to do now was just make it out of the shower without any confrontation. He could feel Andrew's eyes on him, but he tried to ignore it as he attempted to cover up his neck with his hands as often as possible.
Apparently, the Gods were not on his side at all that day, because Robert stepped into the shower at that moment, in all his Swedish glory. He took the showerhead in between Sam and Andrew, giving Sam an obvious once-over before turning to Andrew and winking.
Sam stole a glance at Andrew, his eyes darting back to the wall in front of him as he met Andrew's wide eyes, a look of realization on his face.
Andrew looked away first. He turned off the water and shot a death glare at Robert followed by a look of hurt at Sam and left the showers. He dressed slowly in a sort of daze. He wanted to leave, just drive until he ran out of gas but something was keeping him back. What if he was wrong? What if he was just assuming things? He sat down on the bench and put his head in his hands, closing his eyes. He couldn't just leave, he knew that. He was going to have to talk to Sam.
Andrew said goodbye to the rest of the guys in the dressing room and walked slowly back to his car. He tossed his bag in the truck and leaned against the side of his car, happy that it was at least a nice day.
After they had finished getting dressed, Sam and Robert left the arena together, laughing easily. Sam knew that he had come to Rexall with Andrew, and that he'd have to leave the same way. He sighed inwardly. It wasn't that he was even really mad at Andrew, and no way in hell was he considering leaving him for Robert, but the guilt that weighed on his mind was just too much to even want to talk to him at the moment. He just prayed he could get by without Andrew ever knowing- but by the look he'd given him in the shower, Sam guessed that he already knew. He said his goodbyes to Robert and made his way to the car, where Andrew was waiting.
Andrew stared at the ground the entire time that Sam was walking over to him. When Sam stopped, Andrew looked up, not even sure what to say. He didn't want to accuse Sam, but at the same time he did. He opened the trunk for Sam to put his bag in, and slammed the hood down a little harder than he'd meant to, startling Sam.
"Do you have anything to tell me, or should I just assume that I'm correct?" Andrew asked in a cold voice, searching Sam's eyes for any last minute signs that he was way out of line in his accusation.
Sam tried not to wince as Andrew slammed the door, looking at him expectantly with such rage in his eyes that Sam wanted to run and hide. What was he supposed to do? Just tell him, "Yea, Robert fucked me while you were out"?
"I don't know what you're talking about."
That set Andrew off like a loose cannon. "Don't play fucking dumb with me, Sam!" He slammed his fist down on the back of the car. "You have marks everywhere! You think that fucking bite on your neck isn't noticeable?"
"Andrew, I-" Sam tried to start, but was quickly cut off.
"Shut the fuck up, Sam. I came home trying to apologize to you, and you made me sound like the bad guy when you'd spent the day fucking our linemate!"
"Andrew, no. It wasn't like that..." Sam bit his lip and looked away.
"Oh, right. I suppose it was an accident? Was it also an accident that you spent the entire practice fucking flirting with him like you're in sixth grade?! Do you think I'm stupid? Or that I wouldn't find out? Jesus." Andrew was almost snarling at this point. Sam kept his eyes to the ground, afraid to say anything.
"You won’t even look at me." Andrew mumbled. "Sam, look at me!" He was almost yelling now. Sam brought his eyes slowly to Andrew's. "Why?" was the only thing Andrew had left to say.
Sam looked into Andrew's dark eyes and almost felt the urge to cry. The hatred in Andrew's eyes had turned to sorrow, and suddenly Sam hated himself for what he'd done.
"Andrew, I..." He said, biting his lip. There wasn't much of a way out. "I just... I was so angry..."
Andrew scoffed. "You think being angry at me justifies cheating on me? With one of our best friends?"
"I..." Sam brought his voice to a whisper, biting back tears. "I was scared."
"Scared of what, me finding out? Obviously not of losing me, because you seemed to jump in with no thought of that."
"Just fucking listen to me, ok!?" Sam yelled, taking his turn to slam his fist down on the car. He hoped none of his teammates had stuck around long enough to see the exchange. "Scared because what you did hurt me so much. Scared that something that's so little with anyone else can be that huge when it's with you. Scared because I didn't know what to do." He turned his away, so ready to run. "Scared because I'm fucking in love with you."
Andrew caught his breath in his throat, a little bit stunned by what Sam had just said. Sure they'd been together for a while now, but they'd never exchanged that phrase. The moment of silence between them seemed to last a lifetime. Andrew saw in Sam's eyes the regret he felt, and even though he was hurt beyond belief, he couldn't just stand there. He walked over and touched his fingers lightly to Sam's cheek, causing Sam to bring his eyes to Andrew's.
"Sam..." Andrew said faintly. It seemed like the only thing he could say.
Sam flinched lightly as Andrew's fingers brushed his skin- he still wasn't sure if Andrew was coming over to hit him. His breathing hitched as Andrew spoke and he became suddenly aware that he would not be hearing the feeling reciprocated. He looked into Andrew's eyes, reaching up to take his hand.
"Can you forgive me?" He pleased, rubbing his thumb against Andrew's palm. "Can we start over?"
Andrew sighed. "Sam... You say that even the little things seem big with me... Imagine how you cheating on me feels." He looked into the sky, dropping Sam's hand. "Fuck. I don't know."
"I'm sorry." Sam mumbled and his eyes fell to the ground. Andrew looked away and shook his head.
"I'll drive you home" Andrew walked to the driver's door, careful to not make eye contact with Sam on the way. He unlocked the door and got in. Sam followed silently. Andrew turned in his seat and looked at Sam.
"Sam, I just... I think I just need some time to think." He turned the key and the engine came to life, bringing the radio on with it. Andrew put the volume to max.
Sam stared out the window holding back tears for the entire 40 minute drive back to their house. He knew he'd fucked up. Fucked up when he slept with Robert and fucked up when he told Andrew that he loved him. There was no doubt in his mind that Andrew had just taken it as a last-ditch effort for forgiveness, and not for real, like he'd meant it. They'd been together for long enough that Sam could tell- it never felt this way with Patrick, or any other person he'd ever been with. Andrew was special, Andrew was perfect. Andrew was everything to him.
When they arrived at the house, Sam watched as Andrew ignored Tom's questions about dinner and trudged up the stairs, hearing his bedroom door shut quietly. Tom looked at Sam, raising an eyebrow.
"Trouble in paradise?" He asked. Sam gave him a harsh look, causing Tom to raise his hands in the air and step back. "Whoa, ok. What did you want to-"
"I'm not hungry." He replied quickly, already making his way down the stairs to escape to his room.
Andrew threw himself on his bed and grabbed his iPod from his bedside table. He didn't want to think about anything at all so he played his music at full blast.
After a few minutes, he realized it wasn't working. Song after song seemed to remind him of Sam in one way or another.
"Fuck!" He yelled, sending his iPod flying across the room to land on a pile of clothes. He thrust his door open and made his way to the kitchen, knowing that Sam wouldn't be coming upstairs anytime soon. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, sat down in front of the TV and started flipping through channels. He wasn't really looking for anything to watch, and when he finally landed on the sports highlights he wasn't paying any attention whatsoever. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, trying to figure out the jumbled thoughts in his mind.
Once Sam had shut the door to his room, it was like there was no reason for him to hide his emotions any further. He slammed his fist into the wall, sending a picture to the ground. He cursed loudly, kicking through the clothes all over his bedroom floor, stopping as he reached an unrecognizable piece of cloth. He nudged it with his foot, before he felt the tears coming. Apparently, Robert had left in such a rush that he'd forgotten his boxers. Suddenly the true realization of what he'd done that day hit him like a bag of pucks, and he felt the tears start to slip down his face. He couldn't believe he'd jeopardized his relationship with Andrew over something so stupid. He couldn't believe he'd let it happen. He couldn't even bring himself to blame Robert- it had been all his doing.
He collapsed on the bed and sobbed into his pillow, praying that no one would hear him.
"Well, Gagner was a key reason why the Oilers did so well on the home stretch last year, and they're hoping for the same this year..." Andrew's eyes snapped open to see the NHL analysts talking about his team. He smiled to himself as they showed some of the goals from last season, his smiling widening when he saw himself score a beauty - but it completely fell when he saw Sam. The way he skated, the way he effortlessly sent the puck tape to tape down the ice, the way his smile made Andrew's heart melt after a goal. With his eyes glued to the TV screen, he realized instantly what it was he needed to do. He jumped off the couch, accidentally knocking over his bottle of beer, but not caring about it even remotely. He made his way down the stairs in a daze, and when he got to Sam's door he didn't even bother to knock.
"Sam. I love you. I love you so much!" He almost yelled through the door.
Sam awoke blearily, unsure of what exactly was going on. He thought he'd heard yelling, but couldn't be sure. Memories of the day flooded back to him as he looked down at his pillow to see it wet with tears. He must have cried himself to sleep. He sat up and rubbed at his eyes, and was about to look at the clock when he was startled to his feet at furious banging on the door.
"Sam! Are you there?"
Sam knew it was Andrew's voice but couldn't figure out why Andrew would want to talk to him, ever again. He stumbled over to the door and began to open it.
As soon as the knob turned, Andrew pushed the door open and tackled Sam to the bed, kissing him fiercely
"Whoa, what?" Sam managed to say in between kisses. Andrew leaned his head back and looked into Sam's eyes.
"Look, I know we both fucked up pretty bad, but... I can't see myself being happier with anyone else on the planet." Andrew's hand found Sam's and he squeezed it. "And I love you." Andrew kissed him softly.
"You- you do?" Sam said, sounding more surprised than he might have liked. "You mean- even after..."
Andrew leaned in and kissed him deeply, letting Sam know how he felt through the kiss. "Mistakes happen. Just promise that it won't happen ever again."
Sam smiled brightly. "I- of course, Andrew- Anything you want from me, I'll- Anything." He brought his hands up to either side of Andrew's face and pulled him in. "I love you. I love you so much."
"Shut up, Sam." Andrew chuckled and kissed him. Everything was alright; everything was going to be alright. Andrew knew it would, because as long as he had Sam, he didn't need much else.