Chapter 44 Repercussions of the Kiss 1/4
Repercussions of the Kiss. The long road home... Part 1/4
Characters: Trent Klatt and Brendan Morrison
Author: Mark
Rating: NC-17 (Adult situations and course language)
Disclaimer: These stories are works of FICTION and DO NOT in any way
reflect the real lives, sexual preferences, or personalities of the
characters. They do not at any point infer that any of the persons
mention is Gay. This includes the times, real life events and names
that are referred to. I do not profit from any of this.
Note: Thank you Sue, for your encouragement and the massive amounts
of Beta-ing you have done for me.
AN: The note at the end of this section is actually a few of the
lyrics from Kelly Clarkson's, Behind these hazel eyes.
The long road home...
Brendan’s POV
Trent has been very quiet during the cab ride from the airport back to his apartment, I don’t think he’s said more than two words. On the plane, he seemed ok; we talked a lot about Todd and Markus, well actually, mostly about Todd.
It’s so hard seeing Todd like this, he’s always been such a strong man, but all the legal shit and him leaving Markus has changed him. He is so down on himself; always double guessing every little decision he makes. We both feel he needs to talk to Markus, not just to figure out if there is anything left of that relationship, but just talk to him, let him know why he is so upset, because honestly, I know Markus, a lot better than most people. He's in his own little world a lot of the time, I wouldn't be surprised if he really doesn't think that there is anything wrong. He probably just assumes that when Todd calms down, he’ll be back and things will be back to the way they were before.
But not this time. I have never seen Todd like this; he blames himself for everything. Markus has changed a lot in the last year, I don’t know if it’s because of all the stress of being Captain, the whole Moore thing or whether he really doesn’t love Todd any more. I need to talk to him once I’m back in Vancouver.
And poor Todd, it seemed like every time that Trent and I started fooling around, Todd would walk in on us. He would stumble over his apology before he left, but there were a few times that I knew he was watching us making out. It was kinda a turn on knowing that he was watching. I think Trent would freak out if he knew, but hell, it’s Todd.
He and Trent got into a few arguments about the little home movie on Todd’s camcorder, Trent wanted it erased, Todd said he had and even gave him the camcorder to check, but if I know Todd, he has it saved somewhere else. One of these days, I will ask him if I can watch it.
Anyway, back to Trent. I think it is hard for him to be back here, his life was in such a mess when he left.
"You ok?" I ask as we get closer to his apartment building.
"Just thinking..." He says softly.
"About..."
"Nothing... Everything..." He looks over at me. "I’ve lived here for almost a year and it still doesn’t feel like home." His voice so quiet as he stares back out the window.
I know what he means, I feel the same way about my apartment. I hate living there, but I couldn’t have stayed in my townhouse, not after what happened there. I take his hand into mine, squeezing it hard enough to get him to look back at me. He smiles, but I can see the worry in his eyes.
We finally pull up to his building, the cab stops right at the entrance to the small courtyard which also has the pool and most of the parking for the people who live here. I can see Trent giving his truck a good look over, after all he’s been away for almost 2 months. The truck looks fine, covered in a thin layer of dust, but no broken windows or anything noticeable. I notice one of those new Chevy SSR parked over in the visitor parking. I must admit, I kinda like the look of those, kind of impractical for a truck, but a great looking sports car, I bet the trunk is huge.
Trent pays for the cab as I grab our bags out of the trunk. I can see Trent give the Chevy a once over as we start up the stairs but he keeps heading up to his door. He stops in front of his door and puts his hand up, stopping me in my tracks. He pushes lightly on the door and it quietly swings open.
Oh my God, he’s had a break-in.
"Stay here..." He whispers, his fingers lightly touch my chest before he pushes the door open more. He bends and picks up one of his steel-toed boots before stepping inside. The apartment is well lit from the sun streaming in the windows. From here, we can tell there is no-one in the living room. I follow closely behind him as he peeks his head around the edge of the wall, looking into the kitchen dining area. He holds his hand against the center of my chest again before he steps into the open.
"What the fuck are you doing?" His voice booms throughout the room, the boot held high, ready to be sent flying towards the man standing at the kitchen counter. He drops his bottle of water as he turns to face us.
"Sean..." Trent says in shock. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Sean just stares at Trent, then looks at me as I step out from behind him, then towards the bedroom.
"I uh..." He starts, his eyes widen as I see a movement coming from the bedroom.
"Kip... What the fuck..." Trent says softly, dropping the boot as Kip comes out of the bedroom, his eyes seem locked on me.
"What are you doing in my apartment?" Trent finally manages to get out.
"I, uh... We..." Sean starts.
"I was returning some stuff that you left at my place." Kip finally says. "I left it on the bed with a note." He moves towards us. "I think we should be going, Sean..."
"Uh... Kip." Trent pauses. "Can we talk first?" He asks. I can feel Kip’s eyes on me; I swear that if Sean and Trent weren’t here, I think he would kill me.
I know he blames me for everything that happened. But I really tried to back off, I did, but most of the time, I didn’t even realize what I was doing.
I jump as a hand wraps around my arm, I turn to see Sean pulling me towards the door.
"Come on, I think they need to talk..." He says, his eyes locked with Kip’s as we back out the door. "Let’s give them some space." He says as he closes the door and heads towards the stairs. He sits on the top step, motions for me to sit next to him. I hesitantly step down a couple of steps before sitting on the step below him. He looks back at the closed door, then down at the cars in the parking lot.
"I didn’t think you two were back together." He says, still looking down at the bottom of the stairs.
"It hasn’t been that long, a couple weeks, maybe."
"What about the other guy you were seeing, Ed, was it?" He asks quietly.
"Uh... We broke up." I say as I look at him. Why is he so interested in my life, I don’t even know him other than his name and he is a friend of Kips.
Oh, I get it.
"Trent had nothing to do with us breaking up, Eddie went back to his wife." I quickly add.
"Oh, sorry..." He says quietly, he looks over his shoulder towards Trent’s door, voices can be heard, but at least they aren’t screaming at each other.
"Uh... Kip said that Trent was in the hospital, Ed left a message on Kip’s phone, didn’t really say much, was he sick?"
"Uh, I don’t think they know what caused it, he had a reaction to something, it almost killed him."
"Were you there?"
"No..." I answer. He is trying to piece everything together. "I got a call when he was in the hospital, then I flew up."
"He was up there alone?"
"Yeah, he went fishing to help sort some things out about Kip." My voice trails off as I hear the voices in the apartment getting a little louder.
"Fuck..." Sean says as he stands, looking towards the apartment door. "I don’t want to be listening to this." He mumbles as he starts down the stairs. He pulls something from his pocket and the lights on the bright yellow SSR flash.
"This yours?" I ask as I get to the bottom of the stairs. He looks at me like I am going to make some snide remark. "How do you like it?" He just looks at me, trying to figure out if I am joking about the car. "What’s under the hood?" I ask as I run my hand along the smooth curved surface of the bright yellow paint. The hood releases under my hand. He steps around to the front and opens the hood up.
Trent’s POV
"I don’t have anything to say to you..." Kips almost growls as he pushes past me for the door almost as soon as Sean had pulled it closed.
"Kip... Please..." I grab his arm, he twists out of my grip but stops and just glares down at me.
"I knew you’d be with him." He says unblinking. "That didn’t take long."
"I didn’t..."
"Bull Shit..." He cuts me off. "As soon as you could, you went running back to him." His voice getting rather loud.
"I know you don’t believe me, but I’m sorry for what happened, I never meant to hurt you." I say as I take hold of his wrist and pull him towards the living room. "I really thought it was over with Brendan, he had Eddie, I had you." I sit on the edge of the sofa and pat the cushion next to me. I look up at him, he really looks like he could hurt me right now. And you know what? I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
He slowly turns and lowers himself onto the cushion.
"I honestly never meant to hurt you, you have to believe that." I say softly, clasping my hands tightly between my knees.
"Did you ever care for me?" He blurts out. I look at him, I can’t believe that he actually feels this way.
"Of course I did, I still do."
"I’m really having a hard time believing that..."
"Oh God Kipper..." I turn to face him; my hand reaches for his thigh, but stops just an inch from his leg. "If I didn’t care, I would’ve fucked you the first chance I had." I try to keep my voice as calm as possible. "You weren’t just a meaningless fuck, you have to believe that." I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. "I had so much going on; you’re the one who kept asking for more, more than I was ready to give. But I had to be sure..." My voice fades to silence.
"Be sure of what?" He asks, I look up at him, the look on his face softens, his eyes are to the point of overflowing but he is doing his damndest not to let them flow.
"I had to know if it was really over with him, you know that." I look away before my own tears run over. "I never meant for anything to happen, it just did. I was upset that you had been traded and I came out of the shower that morning and Bren was standing right here in my apartment. It just happened, I felt terrible that it did."
"But it happened..." He says softly, I just nod to his words.
"Kipper, you know I cared for you, I really did... I still do. You’re a very special man, a man that I fell in love with..."
"But you love him..."
"I won’t deny that..." I take a deep breath. "But I honestly thought it was over. You have to believe me, I never wanted to hurt you." I wipe the wetness from my face with the back of my hand.
"But... You went running back to him as soon as you could." He says coldly. I just shake my head slowly.
"That is the farthest thing from the truth..." I almost whisper.
"Then what is..." He shakes his head while lifting his hand, motioning towards the door. "This..."
"I’m not going to lie to you. Yes, we are back together, but it has only been a couple of weeks. Ed broke up with him shortly after they got back from the Charlottes. I had nothing to do with it, Ed went back to his wife to try and work things out." I say as I look him right in the eyes.
"So you weren’t responsible for that?" He asks, I just slowly shake my head.
"No..." My voice almost a whisper. "I went up to the Charlottes to spend some time alone. I met someone, a fishing guide, a very sweet man. Then I ended up in the hospital, Bren and Eddie came up." I notice the look on his face change. "No... Nothing happened. They left once they knew I was going to be ok. I stayed up there for a while, trying to figure out where this relationship with Evan was going to go, if anywhere."
"And..." He asks quietly, his hand slips into mine. "Where’s Evan now?"
"He’s still up there, he knew I wasn’t ready to get involved with anyone right then, I was still so fucked up about what I did to you." I can feel his hand tighten around mine.
"Sean said that you were back in Minnesota."
"I was for a while." I say quietly before looking back into his eyes. "Kip, I never wanted to hurt you." I can feel the fresh tears roll down my face. "You have to believe that."
"How did you and he..." He starts.
"Ed called me, he was in Florida with his wife. He told me what he had done, he wanted me to make sure Bren was ok."
"So you hopped a plane and right into his bed." Kip attempts to smile at his comment.
"Not quite..." I smile back. "I’ve been spending time with him the last few weeks, but we both were hesitant about where things stood between us. We didn’t take it to the next level until just last week when we were back in Minnesota."
"I’m supposed to believe that."
"Kip... I wasn’t even sure if there was anything left between us. I wasn’t going to rush back into anything." I almost whisper as I look up into his eyes.
I have hurt this man so badly, if I could go back and change things I would. He deserved so much better than me.
"You’re really serious..." He says, I just nod and look down to my hand in his. I notice something on the inside of his right wrist.
"What’s this?" I ask quietly as I turn his hand over in mine, several Chinese characters are tattooed onto the inside of his wrist.
"You don’t want to know..." He pulls his wrist from my grip, I reach and take his hand back into mine.
"Kipper..." I say softly, my thumb gently rubbing over the dark characters etched into his flesh. He pulls his hand from mine as he stands, he moves away from me, rubbing his wrist, almost like it’s causing him physical pain. He stops in front of the large window, holding his wrist up against his chest. I stand behind him, I notice his thumb slowly moving over each of the symbols.
"You don’t want to know..." His voice very low. I move to stand beside him, taking his hand in mine again, turning it to reveal the symbols again.
"Tell me..." I say quietly. "Please..." I look right into his eyes. He closes them tightly, tears slowly creep from the corners and trail down his face.
"It’s to remind me..." He pauses. "Of you..." He sniffles quietly. "To remind me... Not to trust..." His voice trails off to silence.
"You have to believe me..." I say softly, staring out the window to Brendan and Sean standing in front of the yellow SSR down in the parking lot, it’s hood open like a gaping mouth. "I never meant to hurt you... I’m sorry I did..." Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him look at me.
"Do you know how bad you hurt me?" His voice barely a whisper. I turn to look at him, his eyes are locked on the two men down below.
"I never meant to..." I say as I turn my attention to Bren and Sean.
"But you did..." He says as his hand lifts to wipe his face dry.
"I know..." I say as I feel his other hand curve into mine. "I’m so sorry." His hand tightens around mine.
We stood there for several minutes, staring down into the parking lot. I notice Sean look up at us, Brendan eyes follow his. I can feel the worry from both of them.
"So..." I start to say. "How are things with Sean?" I can feel Kip’s eyes on me before I turn to him. His mouth is open slightly. "You two doing ok?" I ask as his mouth opens and closes silently.
"H-how..." He stutters.
"Sean and I had a talk during our last road trip. He told me why he feels the way he does towards me."
"But... I..." His mouth still looking for words.
"Things going good?" I ask, I can see the slight flush come to his cheeks. "He loves you, you know."
"I... Uh..." His eyes still wide, but a slight smile comes to his lips as his hand slips from mine.
"He’s really a great guy... Even though he never was to me. But you deserve to be happy." I look back down to the parking lot only to find the two of them gone. "I mean that..." I say as the apartment door opens. Sean steps into the room, Brendan following right behind him. Sean gives me a quick glance before turning to Kip.
"You ok?" I hear him ask Kip softly. Kip lowers his head, a hint of a smile on his lips as Sean lightly touches his arm.
"Yeah..." Kip says softly, lifting his eyes to Sean, I can see that look in his eyes, the look he used to have for me not too long ago.
I’m glad Sean had the balls to actually say something to Kip. I think they could be very good together, that is if Kip can learn to trust again.
"We should get going..." Sean says. "We’re already late."
"Right..." Kip looks at his watch then back up at me. "We’re taking Ryan out on the boat one last time before it sells."
"You’re selling it?" I ask, realizing that as soon as I did, that it is far too big to transport to Atlanta, and besides, I think the closest water is the Gulf coast, and that is hours away.
"I don’t really have a choice..." He says quietly. I know that boat means the world to him. They move down the hall towards the door. Kip turns back, he tries again to give me a smile. There is still so much hurt hidden in there. "I’ll say ‘Hi’ to Ryan for you..." He says as he places his hand on Sean’s shoulder, just as they are about to step outside.
I step out after them; Brendan stands at the door, his arms loosely crossed over his chest. Kip turns, as if to say something else, but just hesitates before following Sean down the stairs. I watch them get into Sean’s car. The roof slides open effortlessly, stacking neatly behind the seats. Sean looks up at me at the top of the stairs as he backs his car out, his hand on the back of Kip’s seat, his fingers briefly work through the back of his sun-bleached hair as they drive away. I feel a hand come to rest on my shoulder, I turn into Brendan’s arms. He wraps his arms around me.
"You ok?" He almost whispers. I just shake my head and pull myself out of his hold and go back inside. "Trent..." He calls out as he follows me. I go straight into the bedroom, the first thing I notice is a small box sitting on the bed.
Kip said he brought a few of my things by.
On top of the box is a small white envelope with my name printed neatly across it. I sit on the bed and stare at the envelope for a few seconds before reaching out and picking it up. There is something inside. It feels like a key, probably the key to my apartment, I had forgotten that he still had one. But there is something else in there along with a folded piece of paper.
I see Brendan standing at the doorway just as I am about to slide my finger under the flap to open it. I hesitate briefly before I motion for him to come sit beside me.
"Are you sure you want me here when you open this?" He asks softly, his hand gently touching my hand that is holding Kip’s note. I just slowly nod. I don’t know if I have the strength to read this, let alone read it alone.
I rip open the flap and dump out the contents into my hand. As I thought, there is the key he had for this apartment as well as the gift I had given him at Christmas time. He was pissed off with me when I gave it to him because we had agreed on no gifts, but I saw how he was looking at it that day we were walking through one of the open markets. It’s a small silver crown, almost identical to the logo of the Kings, attached to a thin leather strap. It only cost a few dollars, but it looked so good on him, the silver sparkled against his tanned skin.
I pull the folded piece of paper out of the envelope. I look at Brendan before I unfold it. I can feel my eyes filling even before I read the first words. Brendan’s arm wraps over my shoulder, pulling me tightly against him, the fingers of his free hand, wiping away the tears that slowly starts to run down my cheek.
Trent:
It seems just like yesterday when you were such a big part of me. I used to stand tall, I used to be so strong, whenever your arms were around me everything just felt so right. Unbreakable, unstoppable, like nothing could ever go wrong. I told you everything, I opened up my heart and let you in. You made me feel complete for once in my life.
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be, so together, but so broken up inside. Because of you, I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I'm barely hanging on to my own reality.
Once again here I am, I'm torn into pieces. I can't deny it, I can't just pretend that I’m alright. It’s just I thought you were the one. I’m broken up deep inside, but you won't get to see the tears I cry. I blame myself for hating you. Seeing you would kill me, so I have to say it this way.
I won't cry on the outside, anymore...
K...
Characters: Trent Klatt and Brendan Morrison
Author: Mark
Rating: NC-17 (Adult situations and course language)
Disclaimer: These stories are works of FICTION and DO NOT in any way
reflect the real lives, sexual preferences, or personalities of the
characters. They do not at any point infer that any of the persons
mention is Gay. This includes the times, real life events and names
that are referred to. I do not profit from any of this.
Note: Thank you Sue, for your encouragement and the massive amounts
of Beta-ing you have done for me.
AN: The note at the end of this section is actually a few of the
lyrics from Kelly Clarkson's, Behind these hazel eyes.
The long road home...
Brendan’s POV
Trent has been very quiet during the cab ride from the airport back to his apartment, I don’t think he’s said more than two words. On the plane, he seemed ok; we talked a lot about Todd and Markus, well actually, mostly about Todd.
It’s so hard seeing Todd like this, he’s always been such a strong man, but all the legal shit and him leaving Markus has changed him. He is so down on himself; always double guessing every little decision he makes. We both feel he needs to talk to Markus, not just to figure out if there is anything left of that relationship, but just talk to him, let him know why he is so upset, because honestly, I know Markus, a lot better than most people. He's in his own little world a lot of the time, I wouldn't be surprised if he really doesn't think that there is anything wrong. He probably just assumes that when Todd calms down, he’ll be back and things will be back to the way they were before.
But not this time. I have never seen Todd like this; he blames himself for everything. Markus has changed a lot in the last year, I don’t know if it’s because of all the stress of being Captain, the whole Moore thing or whether he really doesn’t love Todd any more. I need to talk to him once I’m back in Vancouver.
And poor Todd, it seemed like every time that Trent and I started fooling around, Todd would walk in on us. He would stumble over his apology before he left, but there were a few times that I knew he was watching us making out. It was kinda a turn on knowing that he was watching. I think Trent would freak out if he knew, but hell, it’s Todd.
He and Trent got into a few arguments about the little home movie on Todd’s camcorder, Trent wanted it erased, Todd said he had and even gave him the camcorder to check, but if I know Todd, he has it saved somewhere else. One of these days, I will ask him if I can watch it.
Anyway, back to Trent. I think it is hard for him to be back here, his life was in such a mess when he left.
"You ok?" I ask as we get closer to his apartment building.
"Just thinking..." He says softly.
"About..."
"Nothing... Everything..." He looks over at me. "I’ve lived here for almost a year and it still doesn’t feel like home." His voice so quiet as he stares back out the window.
I know what he means, I feel the same way about my apartment. I hate living there, but I couldn’t have stayed in my townhouse, not after what happened there. I take his hand into mine, squeezing it hard enough to get him to look back at me. He smiles, but I can see the worry in his eyes.
We finally pull up to his building, the cab stops right at the entrance to the small courtyard which also has the pool and most of the parking for the people who live here. I can see Trent giving his truck a good look over, after all he’s been away for almost 2 months. The truck looks fine, covered in a thin layer of dust, but no broken windows or anything noticeable. I notice one of those new Chevy SSR parked over in the visitor parking. I must admit, I kinda like the look of those, kind of impractical for a truck, but a great looking sports car, I bet the trunk is huge.
Trent pays for the cab as I grab our bags out of the trunk. I can see Trent give the Chevy a once over as we start up the stairs but he keeps heading up to his door. He stops in front of his door and puts his hand up, stopping me in my tracks. He pushes lightly on the door and it quietly swings open.
Oh my God, he’s had a break-in.
"Stay here..." He whispers, his fingers lightly touch my chest before he pushes the door open more. He bends and picks up one of his steel-toed boots before stepping inside. The apartment is well lit from the sun streaming in the windows. From here, we can tell there is no-one in the living room. I follow closely behind him as he peeks his head around the edge of the wall, looking into the kitchen dining area. He holds his hand against the center of my chest again before he steps into the open.
"What the fuck are you doing?" His voice booms throughout the room, the boot held high, ready to be sent flying towards the man standing at the kitchen counter. He drops his bottle of water as he turns to face us.
"Sean..." Trent says in shock. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Sean just stares at Trent, then looks at me as I step out from behind him, then towards the bedroom.
"I uh..." He starts, his eyes widen as I see a movement coming from the bedroom.
"Kip... What the fuck..." Trent says softly, dropping the boot as Kip comes out of the bedroom, his eyes seem locked on me.
"What are you doing in my apartment?" Trent finally manages to get out.
"I, uh... We..." Sean starts.
"I was returning some stuff that you left at my place." Kip finally says. "I left it on the bed with a note." He moves towards us. "I think we should be going, Sean..."
"Uh... Kip." Trent pauses. "Can we talk first?" He asks. I can feel Kip’s eyes on me; I swear that if Sean and Trent weren’t here, I think he would kill me.
I know he blames me for everything that happened. But I really tried to back off, I did, but most of the time, I didn’t even realize what I was doing.
I jump as a hand wraps around my arm, I turn to see Sean pulling me towards the door.
"Come on, I think they need to talk..." He says, his eyes locked with Kip’s as we back out the door. "Let’s give them some space." He says as he closes the door and heads towards the stairs. He sits on the top step, motions for me to sit next to him. I hesitantly step down a couple of steps before sitting on the step below him. He looks back at the closed door, then down at the cars in the parking lot.
"I didn’t think you two were back together." He says, still looking down at the bottom of the stairs.
"It hasn’t been that long, a couple weeks, maybe."
"What about the other guy you were seeing, Ed, was it?" He asks quietly.
"Uh... We broke up." I say as I look at him. Why is he so interested in my life, I don’t even know him other than his name and he is a friend of Kips.
Oh, I get it.
"Trent had nothing to do with us breaking up, Eddie went back to his wife." I quickly add.
"Oh, sorry..." He says quietly, he looks over his shoulder towards Trent’s door, voices can be heard, but at least they aren’t screaming at each other.
"Uh... Kip said that Trent was in the hospital, Ed left a message on Kip’s phone, didn’t really say much, was he sick?"
"Uh, I don’t think they know what caused it, he had a reaction to something, it almost killed him."
"Were you there?"
"No..." I answer. He is trying to piece everything together. "I got a call when he was in the hospital, then I flew up."
"He was up there alone?"
"Yeah, he went fishing to help sort some things out about Kip." My voice trails off as I hear the voices in the apartment getting a little louder.
"Fuck..." Sean says as he stands, looking towards the apartment door. "I don’t want to be listening to this." He mumbles as he starts down the stairs. He pulls something from his pocket and the lights on the bright yellow SSR flash.
"This yours?" I ask as I get to the bottom of the stairs. He looks at me like I am going to make some snide remark. "How do you like it?" He just looks at me, trying to figure out if I am joking about the car. "What’s under the hood?" I ask as I run my hand along the smooth curved surface of the bright yellow paint. The hood releases under my hand. He steps around to the front and opens the hood up.
Trent’s POV
"I don’t have anything to say to you..." Kips almost growls as he pushes past me for the door almost as soon as Sean had pulled it closed.
"Kip... Please..." I grab his arm, he twists out of my grip but stops and just glares down at me.
"I knew you’d be with him." He says unblinking. "That didn’t take long."
"I didn’t..."
"Bull Shit..." He cuts me off. "As soon as you could, you went running back to him." His voice getting rather loud.
"I know you don’t believe me, but I’m sorry for what happened, I never meant to hurt you." I say as I take hold of his wrist and pull him towards the living room. "I really thought it was over with Brendan, he had Eddie, I had you." I sit on the edge of the sofa and pat the cushion next to me. I look up at him, he really looks like he could hurt me right now. And you know what? I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
He slowly turns and lowers himself onto the cushion.
"I honestly never meant to hurt you, you have to believe that." I say softly, clasping my hands tightly between my knees.
"Did you ever care for me?" He blurts out. I look at him, I can’t believe that he actually feels this way.
"Of course I did, I still do."
"I’m really having a hard time believing that..."
"Oh God Kipper..." I turn to face him; my hand reaches for his thigh, but stops just an inch from his leg. "If I didn’t care, I would’ve fucked you the first chance I had." I try to keep my voice as calm as possible. "You weren’t just a meaningless fuck, you have to believe that." I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. "I had so much going on; you’re the one who kept asking for more, more than I was ready to give. But I had to be sure..." My voice fades to silence.
"Be sure of what?" He asks, I look up at him, the look on his face softens, his eyes are to the point of overflowing but he is doing his damndest not to let them flow.
"I had to know if it was really over with him, you know that." I look away before my own tears run over. "I never meant for anything to happen, it just did. I was upset that you had been traded and I came out of the shower that morning and Bren was standing right here in my apartment. It just happened, I felt terrible that it did."
"But it happened..." He says softly, I just nod to his words.
"Kipper, you know I cared for you, I really did... I still do. You’re a very special man, a man that I fell in love with..."
"But you love him..."
"I won’t deny that..." I take a deep breath. "But I honestly thought it was over. You have to believe me, I never wanted to hurt you." I wipe the wetness from my face with the back of my hand.
"But... You went running back to him as soon as you could." He says coldly. I just shake my head slowly.
"That is the farthest thing from the truth..." I almost whisper.
"Then what is..." He shakes his head while lifting his hand, motioning towards the door. "This..."
"I’m not going to lie to you. Yes, we are back together, but it has only been a couple of weeks. Ed broke up with him shortly after they got back from the Charlottes. I had nothing to do with it, Ed went back to his wife to try and work things out." I say as I look him right in the eyes.
"So you weren’t responsible for that?" He asks, I just slowly shake my head.
"No..." My voice almost a whisper. "I went up to the Charlottes to spend some time alone. I met someone, a fishing guide, a very sweet man. Then I ended up in the hospital, Bren and Eddie came up." I notice the look on his face change. "No... Nothing happened. They left once they knew I was going to be ok. I stayed up there for a while, trying to figure out where this relationship with Evan was going to go, if anywhere."
"And..." He asks quietly, his hand slips into mine. "Where’s Evan now?"
"He’s still up there, he knew I wasn’t ready to get involved with anyone right then, I was still so fucked up about what I did to you." I can feel his hand tighten around mine.
"Sean said that you were back in Minnesota."
"I was for a while." I say quietly before looking back into his eyes. "Kip, I never wanted to hurt you." I can feel the fresh tears roll down my face. "You have to believe that."
"How did you and he..." He starts.
"Ed called me, he was in Florida with his wife. He told me what he had done, he wanted me to make sure Bren was ok."
"So you hopped a plane and right into his bed." Kip attempts to smile at his comment.
"Not quite..." I smile back. "I’ve been spending time with him the last few weeks, but we both were hesitant about where things stood between us. We didn’t take it to the next level until just last week when we were back in Minnesota."
"I’m supposed to believe that."
"Kip... I wasn’t even sure if there was anything left between us. I wasn’t going to rush back into anything." I almost whisper as I look up into his eyes.
I have hurt this man so badly, if I could go back and change things I would. He deserved so much better than me.
"You’re really serious..." He says, I just nod and look down to my hand in his. I notice something on the inside of his right wrist.
"What’s this?" I ask quietly as I turn his hand over in mine, several Chinese characters are tattooed onto the inside of his wrist.
"You don’t want to know..." He pulls his wrist from my grip, I reach and take his hand back into mine.
"Kipper..." I say softly, my thumb gently rubbing over the dark characters etched into his flesh. He pulls his hand from mine as he stands, he moves away from me, rubbing his wrist, almost like it’s causing him physical pain. He stops in front of the large window, holding his wrist up against his chest. I stand behind him, I notice his thumb slowly moving over each of the symbols.
"You don’t want to know..." His voice very low. I move to stand beside him, taking his hand in mine again, turning it to reveal the symbols again.
"Tell me..." I say quietly. "Please..." I look right into his eyes. He closes them tightly, tears slowly creep from the corners and trail down his face.
"It’s to remind me..." He pauses. "Of you..." He sniffles quietly. "To remind me... Not to trust..." His voice trails off to silence.
"You have to believe me..." I say softly, staring out the window to Brendan and Sean standing in front of the yellow SSR down in the parking lot, it’s hood open like a gaping mouth. "I never meant to hurt you... I’m sorry I did..." Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him look at me.
"Do you know how bad you hurt me?" His voice barely a whisper. I turn to look at him, his eyes are locked on the two men down below.
"I never meant to..." I say as I turn my attention to Bren and Sean.
"But you did..." He says as his hand lifts to wipe his face dry.
"I know..." I say as I feel his other hand curve into mine. "I’m so sorry." His hand tightens around mine.
We stood there for several minutes, staring down into the parking lot. I notice Sean look up at us, Brendan eyes follow his. I can feel the worry from both of them.
"So..." I start to say. "How are things with Sean?" I can feel Kip’s eyes on me before I turn to him. His mouth is open slightly. "You two doing ok?" I ask as his mouth opens and closes silently.
"H-how..." He stutters.
"Sean and I had a talk during our last road trip. He told me why he feels the way he does towards me."
"But... I..." His mouth still looking for words.
"Things going good?" I ask, I can see the slight flush come to his cheeks. "He loves you, you know."
"I... Uh..." His eyes still wide, but a slight smile comes to his lips as his hand slips from mine.
"He’s really a great guy... Even though he never was to me. But you deserve to be happy." I look back down to the parking lot only to find the two of them gone. "I mean that..." I say as the apartment door opens. Sean steps into the room, Brendan following right behind him. Sean gives me a quick glance before turning to Kip.
"You ok?" I hear him ask Kip softly. Kip lowers his head, a hint of a smile on his lips as Sean lightly touches his arm.
"Yeah..." Kip says softly, lifting his eyes to Sean, I can see that look in his eyes, the look he used to have for me not too long ago.
I’m glad Sean had the balls to actually say something to Kip. I think they could be very good together, that is if Kip can learn to trust again.
"We should get going..." Sean says. "We’re already late."
"Right..." Kip looks at his watch then back up at me. "We’re taking Ryan out on the boat one last time before it sells."
"You’re selling it?" I ask, realizing that as soon as I did, that it is far too big to transport to Atlanta, and besides, I think the closest water is the Gulf coast, and that is hours away.
"I don’t really have a choice..." He says quietly. I know that boat means the world to him. They move down the hall towards the door. Kip turns back, he tries again to give me a smile. There is still so much hurt hidden in there. "I’ll say ‘Hi’ to Ryan for you..." He says as he places his hand on Sean’s shoulder, just as they are about to step outside.
I step out after them; Brendan stands at the door, his arms loosely crossed over his chest. Kip turns, as if to say something else, but just hesitates before following Sean down the stairs. I watch them get into Sean’s car. The roof slides open effortlessly, stacking neatly behind the seats. Sean looks up at me at the top of the stairs as he backs his car out, his hand on the back of Kip’s seat, his fingers briefly work through the back of his sun-bleached hair as they drive away. I feel a hand come to rest on my shoulder, I turn into Brendan’s arms. He wraps his arms around me.
"You ok?" He almost whispers. I just shake my head and pull myself out of his hold and go back inside. "Trent..." He calls out as he follows me. I go straight into the bedroom, the first thing I notice is a small box sitting on the bed.
Kip said he brought a few of my things by.
On top of the box is a small white envelope with my name printed neatly across it. I sit on the bed and stare at the envelope for a few seconds before reaching out and picking it up. There is something inside. It feels like a key, probably the key to my apartment, I had forgotten that he still had one. But there is something else in there along with a folded piece of paper.
I see Brendan standing at the doorway just as I am about to slide my finger under the flap to open it. I hesitate briefly before I motion for him to come sit beside me.
"Are you sure you want me here when you open this?" He asks softly, his hand gently touching my hand that is holding Kip’s note. I just slowly nod. I don’t know if I have the strength to read this, let alone read it alone.
I rip open the flap and dump out the contents into my hand. As I thought, there is the key he had for this apartment as well as the gift I had given him at Christmas time. He was pissed off with me when I gave it to him because we had agreed on no gifts, but I saw how he was looking at it that day we were walking through one of the open markets. It’s a small silver crown, almost identical to the logo of the Kings, attached to a thin leather strap. It only cost a few dollars, but it looked so good on him, the silver sparkled against his tanned skin.
I pull the folded piece of paper out of the envelope. I look at Brendan before I unfold it. I can feel my eyes filling even before I read the first words. Brendan’s arm wraps over my shoulder, pulling me tightly against him, the fingers of his free hand, wiping away the tears that slowly starts to run down my cheek.
Trent:
It seems just like yesterday when you were such a big part of me. I used to stand tall, I used to be so strong, whenever your arms were around me everything just felt so right. Unbreakable, unstoppable, like nothing could ever go wrong. I told you everything, I opened up my heart and let you in. You made me feel complete for once in my life.
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be, so together, but so broken up inside. Because of you, I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I'm barely hanging on to my own reality.
Once again here I am, I'm torn into pieces. I can't deny it, I can't just pretend that I’m alright. It’s just I thought you were the one. I’m broken up deep inside, but you won't get to see the tears I cry. I blame myself for hating you. Seeing you would kill me, so I have to say it this way.
I won't cry on the outside, anymore...
K...