fic: always by my side 1/1
TITLE: Always By My Side
AUTHOR: Frala
E-MAIL: frala at hotmail dot com
DISTRIBUTION: Just at Perchance to Dream
DISCLAIMER: I neither claim any ownership to any of the characters aside from the ones I made up. And I'm not implying anything about any of the characters in real life. Its all fiction, none of it actually happened, I made it up.
AN: Thank you as always to Mae, Brenn, and AJ for the beta.
AN: The song in question is actually, Always by JP Hoe. He's awesome.
RATING: Maybe an R for language.
CHARACTERS: Jason King, mentions of Ryan Kesler. Smaller mentions of Michael Ryder, and Brandon Reid.
SUMMARY: Breaking doesn’t always mean broken.
~~
I was putting my other guitar away when I got back from Mikey's, and the notes from the song I wrote were sitting there staring me in the face. It feels like so much time... and so much everything has passed. I never got to play it for him... so picture me all alone right here playing this for an audience of no one.
What if I found a way to make you sit and stay
Right next to me
Without rope or with glue or with diamonds that your eyes seek
But never see
Maybe a fucking bad idea to ever look at this again, let alone sing it.
Even just for me.
Maybe early on I had the things to make Ryan stay. Then, I dunno, his neurosis, his anger, me being to afraid to lose him to say what I really should have said... mistake after mistake, I really can't even blame him for losing interest.
It's like that's what happens right, big passion in the beginning. God, I remember when he couldn’t keep his hands off me, and in four years that whittled down to me having to ask. I feel like I could... you know just seeing him made my heart race faster, and I don’t think I'd had that effect on him in a long time.
It's a pretty sobering thought to think of forever with someone who... you're not sure is into it.
And if you leave me today
I don’t think I'd make it to Monday
Last fall when I was trying to psyche myself up for this, I thought there was no way... no way I could not be with him after all this time. I spent nights agonizing about going back for Christmas and him telling me he didn’t want me anymore and Id have to pack up my stuff and leave.
And it's hard yeah. But maybe enough time has passed... or talking to someone about everything and adding it all up and me wondering what the hell I was doing even staying for as long as I did.
Not that I left.
Not then.
No one ever accused me of being brilliant in love.
Or anything.
You and I
You’re always on my side
You're always on my mind
You're always by my side
Always by my side when I packed up all my stuff in Vancouver?
In Michigan?
When I said goodbye to his parents. And promised to stay in touch... not knowing if I really can... though of course I will. I wasn’t sure I even had the right to go see them... but I love them too and not seeing them, especially with his dad being sick... just wasn’t going to happen. I'll suck it up and keep in touch, s'the least I can do for them. And for me. I haven’t seen my parents yet. I'm not ready to face them, telling them was bad enough.
I don’t think I'm the kind of guy that inspires this big grand passion in other people. Maybe very briefly but it doesn’t stick around long enough for forever, not even for long enough to start really thinking about it really.
Once I can fool myself into thinking I can find it again.
Twice, just makes me a fool.
The house in Vancouver is full of some great memories but some really bad ones too... it's weird to have all these places and realize none of them are yours. Even the cabin in Newfoundland, he paid for more of it than I did by the end of it all. It's like I have nothing that's mine.
God, that sounds so stupid. But it's true, and like I don’t even care you know?
I got all my stuff packed up, a surprisingly small amount of things. I bought a new truck and I think aside from furniture and the motorcycle, I could fit it all in there almost. There's something not right about that, that me without him is so small... then again it's only stuff right?
Stuff's not important.
When I'm tired of this life
Tired of these lies
Would you still answer me?
Though I might run away
My fears take the reins
Would you still let me leave
Ah irony.
The lies were there but not in a malevolent way. I know that, it was as much for him as for me that it wasn’t always all the way truthful. For whatever reason it was, I wasn’t in and maybe I never would have been. It doesn’t even matter anymore.
I realized that somewhere in the last couple of weeks... it doesn’t matter anymore. I'm not letting this be some kind of thing like with Brandon, where I think about it and hash it out in my head for way too long before I come to terms with it. I wanted more than Ry wanted to give me. And maybe he wanted less than I wished I could give him.
Maybe over simplified, but maybe that's okay.
Well not okay in the sense like hey I'm okay now, I realized my husband didn’t want me, haha life is awesome, but okay like... I'll be okay. Because I will.
Thinking about going to Germany in some ways was a bit of a blessing... away from everyone who knows me, or at least the person I would know over there isn’t going judge me. But this, a new start, a new chance, even if it is the A again, it's... I want it.
My dream, and a new start all in one.
I'm going to head to California for a while, check some things out... if nothing else I'll get to surf some more. More new starts, I like that a lot.
Or can I see you today
Please wear that skirt from Sunday
You and I
You’re always on my side
You're always on my mind
You're always by my side
We did have some good times before I got injured. It seemed like that was the turning point for... well for everything for us. Things got strained between us because we were apart so much and then when we got close again and we're together all the time, I dunno I don't think he was prepared for me like I was. And I definitely wasn't prepared for him like he was.
No details... it just... it got bad. But there was still fun then too, sometimes anyway. When last season ended and he went to Europe I thought we were done then, but we made it through that. And the summer was... there were some good times, we managed to put a lot behind us again. The skirt, sex on the washer, lots of talking... it really seemed like it was going to be okay... then it got weird again just like snapping your fingers... only this time it didn’t really ever get better.
It just snowballed until the snowball got so big it crushed us. And then there was denial... we swam in it for a while, it even worked a little bit, long enough to get married, to hit rock bottom in a way I've never hit it before, and then get married again in a brief moment of thinking it really could be okay again. His dad getting sick got us close again, but it was for a reason you know? Not because we really were.
We got more and more distant; there was less and less sex. It wasn’t just me always taking the lead, I was used to that, it was taking the lead and getting turned down, and being told... yeah no need for any of that... it was just a lot.
And I've taken my time
I've taken my slice
I'm ready to replay the world
With kisses to you
There's been so much I've been thinking about lately, so many things I thought I'd feel differently when I thought about this in December. And you know... some of it is true, and real, and hurts like hell, but it's not... like I thought it would be exactly. There's heartbreak and there's sadness every single day, more times than others, and there's this ache that even I can't quite put words to, but there's like this other feeling too.
I'm not sure exactly what it is, or if I really have the depth to figure it out. But it's not a bad feeling. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, I don’t know anymore. I just... you know there was heartbreak and sadness with us together too, and that’s not right. But at least I had him, and it seemed like that was all I really wanted. But I wanted more of him than he was willing to give me... maybe willing to give anyone.
It seems weird to say that after four years and getting married twice he wasn't but... for whatever reason he had for letting me think he was, I don’t know, and probably never will. We started out friends and became best friends, I've never been closer to a single other person in my life than him. And then the sex, the love, all of it, we just got closer.... but somewhere after we got that close it started drifting, and then the sex started drifting too, and when he started drifting... maybe we both just held on for fear of the unknown.
And I keep it obscene so that no one else could cheat ya
Of copy the way and the love that we breathe
Come back and see me today
Walk back down the street to Sunday
And part of me wants to stop feeling guilty for realizing all of that and for knowing that I'm never letting that happen to me again. No more trying to become what someone wants, if they don’t want me... then they don't want me, I can't keep on not being me. It's taken me a long time to figure out who I am... and I lost me for too long, way too long. I'm not going to do that again.
There's no going back... to Sunday, to any day, to anything.
Just forward.
Feelings never really quite go all the way away and relationships become different things, or become nothing, it's all just time deciding on what it does become.
But it's all forward.
You and I
You’re always on my side
You're always on my mind
You're always by my side
I think it's safe to say somewhere along the whole run of this that I was broken.
But I still work.
It's just how I am.
Always.
Always by my side
Don't you know that you're always by my side
The things that should have brought us closer were like invisible hands on my chest, pushing me back further and further, and I let it happen. I can't even blame him, not for everything. Nothing is ever one person's fault. As much as it hurts to say this about the person who you felt like could be your everything... it was true. I could never be that for him. Whether that's me not being good enough for him, or there just not being anyone person that can do that for him, I don’t know, I just know it's not me.
And through all of that I feel... kind of good... a little. Like I know I can do this, the always by my side isn’t going to be and him... maybe me and no one... but I kind of feel like even if I lost him... I found me.
I think I'm explaining this badly, it feels all jumbled and crazy inside my head. I need to clear it, and I need to tuck this song away for a long time.
Maybe forever.
Always.
THE END
AUTHOR: Frala
E-MAIL: frala at hotmail dot com
DISTRIBUTION: Just at Perchance to Dream
DISCLAIMER: I neither claim any ownership to any of the characters aside from the ones I made up. And I'm not implying anything about any of the characters in real life. Its all fiction, none of it actually happened, I made it up.
AN: Thank you as always to Mae, Brenn, and AJ for the beta.
AN: The song in question is actually, Always by JP Hoe. He's awesome.
RATING: Maybe an R for language.
CHARACTERS: Jason King, mentions of Ryan Kesler. Smaller mentions of Michael Ryder, and Brandon Reid.
SUMMARY: Breaking doesn’t always mean broken.
~~
I was putting my other guitar away when I got back from Mikey's, and the notes from the song I wrote were sitting there staring me in the face. It feels like so much time... and so much everything has passed. I never got to play it for him... so picture me all alone right here playing this for an audience of no one.
What if I found a way to make you sit and stay
Right next to me
Without rope or with glue or with diamonds that your eyes seek
But never see
Maybe a fucking bad idea to ever look at this again, let alone sing it.
Even just for me.
Maybe early on I had the things to make Ryan stay. Then, I dunno, his neurosis, his anger, me being to afraid to lose him to say what I really should have said... mistake after mistake, I really can't even blame him for losing interest.
It's like that's what happens right, big passion in the beginning. God, I remember when he couldn’t keep his hands off me, and in four years that whittled down to me having to ask. I feel like I could... you know just seeing him made my heart race faster, and I don’t think I'd had that effect on him in a long time.
It's a pretty sobering thought to think of forever with someone who... you're not sure is into it.
And if you leave me today
I don’t think I'd make it to Monday
Last fall when I was trying to psyche myself up for this, I thought there was no way... no way I could not be with him after all this time. I spent nights agonizing about going back for Christmas and him telling me he didn’t want me anymore and Id have to pack up my stuff and leave.
And it's hard yeah. But maybe enough time has passed... or talking to someone about everything and adding it all up and me wondering what the hell I was doing even staying for as long as I did.
Not that I left.
Not then.
No one ever accused me of being brilliant in love.
Or anything.
You and I
You’re always on my side
You're always on my mind
You're always by my side
Always by my side when I packed up all my stuff in Vancouver?
In Michigan?
When I said goodbye to his parents. And promised to stay in touch... not knowing if I really can... though of course I will. I wasn’t sure I even had the right to go see them... but I love them too and not seeing them, especially with his dad being sick... just wasn’t going to happen. I'll suck it up and keep in touch, s'the least I can do for them. And for me. I haven’t seen my parents yet. I'm not ready to face them, telling them was bad enough.
I don’t think I'm the kind of guy that inspires this big grand passion in other people. Maybe very briefly but it doesn’t stick around long enough for forever, not even for long enough to start really thinking about it really.
Once I can fool myself into thinking I can find it again.
Twice, just makes me a fool.
The house in Vancouver is full of some great memories but some really bad ones too... it's weird to have all these places and realize none of them are yours. Even the cabin in Newfoundland, he paid for more of it than I did by the end of it all. It's like I have nothing that's mine.
God, that sounds so stupid. But it's true, and like I don’t even care you know?
I got all my stuff packed up, a surprisingly small amount of things. I bought a new truck and I think aside from furniture and the motorcycle, I could fit it all in there almost. There's something not right about that, that me without him is so small... then again it's only stuff right?
Stuff's not important.
When I'm tired of this life
Tired of these lies
Would you still answer me?
Though I might run away
My fears take the reins
Would you still let me leave
Ah irony.
The lies were there but not in a malevolent way. I know that, it was as much for him as for me that it wasn’t always all the way truthful. For whatever reason it was, I wasn’t in and maybe I never would have been. It doesn’t even matter anymore.
I realized that somewhere in the last couple of weeks... it doesn’t matter anymore. I'm not letting this be some kind of thing like with Brandon, where I think about it and hash it out in my head for way too long before I come to terms with it. I wanted more than Ry wanted to give me. And maybe he wanted less than I wished I could give him.
Maybe over simplified, but maybe that's okay.
Well not okay in the sense like hey I'm okay now, I realized my husband didn’t want me, haha life is awesome, but okay like... I'll be okay. Because I will.
Thinking about going to Germany in some ways was a bit of a blessing... away from everyone who knows me, or at least the person I would know over there isn’t going judge me. But this, a new start, a new chance, even if it is the A again, it's... I want it.
My dream, and a new start all in one.
I'm going to head to California for a while, check some things out... if nothing else I'll get to surf some more. More new starts, I like that a lot.
Or can I see you today
Please wear that skirt from Sunday
You and I
You’re always on my side
You're always on my mind
You're always by my side
We did have some good times before I got injured. It seemed like that was the turning point for... well for everything for us. Things got strained between us because we were apart so much and then when we got close again and we're together all the time, I dunno I don't think he was prepared for me like I was. And I definitely wasn't prepared for him like he was.
No details... it just... it got bad. But there was still fun then too, sometimes anyway. When last season ended and he went to Europe I thought we were done then, but we made it through that. And the summer was... there were some good times, we managed to put a lot behind us again. The skirt, sex on the washer, lots of talking... it really seemed like it was going to be okay... then it got weird again just like snapping your fingers... only this time it didn’t really ever get better.
It just snowballed until the snowball got so big it crushed us. And then there was denial... we swam in it for a while, it even worked a little bit, long enough to get married, to hit rock bottom in a way I've never hit it before, and then get married again in a brief moment of thinking it really could be okay again. His dad getting sick got us close again, but it was for a reason you know? Not because we really were.
We got more and more distant; there was less and less sex. It wasn’t just me always taking the lead, I was used to that, it was taking the lead and getting turned down, and being told... yeah no need for any of that... it was just a lot.
And I've taken my time
I've taken my slice
I'm ready to replay the world
With kisses to you
There's been so much I've been thinking about lately, so many things I thought I'd feel differently when I thought about this in December. And you know... some of it is true, and real, and hurts like hell, but it's not... like I thought it would be exactly. There's heartbreak and there's sadness every single day, more times than others, and there's this ache that even I can't quite put words to, but there's like this other feeling too.
I'm not sure exactly what it is, or if I really have the depth to figure it out. But it's not a bad feeling. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, I don’t know anymore. I just... you know there was heartbreak and sadness with us together too, and that’s not right. But at least I had him, and it seemed like that was all I really wanted. But I wanted more of him than he was willing to give me... maybe willing to give anyone.
It seems weird to say that after four years and getting married twice he wasn't but... for whatever reason he had for letting me think he was, I don’t know, and probably never will. We started out friends and became best friends, I've never been closer to a single other person in my life than him. And then the sex, the love, all of it, we just got closer.... but somewhere after we got that close it started drifting, and then the sex started drifting too, and when he started drifting... maybe we both just held on for fear of the unknown.
And I keep it obscene so that no one else could cheat ya
Of copy the way and the love that we breathe
Come back and see me today
Walk back down the street to Sunday
And part of me wants to stop feeling guilty for realizing all of that and for knowing that I'm never letting that happen to me again. No more trying to become what someone wants, if they don’t want me... then they don't want me, I can't keep on not being me. It's taken me a long time to figure out who I am... and I lost me for too long, way too long. I'm not going to do that again.
There's no going back... to Sunday, to any day, to anything.
Just forward.
Feelings never really quite go all the way away and relationships become different things, or become nothing, it's all just time deciding on what it does become.
But it's all forward.
You and I
You’re always on my side
You're always on my mind
You're always by my side
I think it's safe to say somewhere along the whole run of this that I was broken.
But I still work.
It's just how I am.
Always.
Always by my side
Don't you know that you're always by my side
The things that should have brought us closer were like invisible hands on my chest, pushing me back further and further, and I let it happen. I can't even blame him, not for everything. Nothing is ever one person's fault. As much as it hurts to say this about the person who you felt like could be your everything... it was true. I could never be that for him. Whether that's me not being good enough for him, or there just not being anyone person that can do that for him, I don’t know, I just know it's not me.
And through all of that I feel... kind of good... a little. Like I know I can do this, the always by my side isn’t going to be and him... maybe me and no one... but I kind of feel like even if I lost him... I found me.
I think I'm explaining this badly, it feels all jumbled and crazy inside my head. I need to clear it, and I need to tuck this song away for a long time.
Maybe forever.
Always.
THE END