fic: next to knowing 1/1
TITLE: Next To Knowing
AUTHOR: Frala
E-MAIL: frala at hotmail dot com
DISTRIBUTION: Just at Perchance to Dream
DISCLAIMER: I neither claim any ownership to any of the characters aside from the ones I made up. And I'm not implying anything about any of the characters in real life. Its all fiction, none of it actually happened, I made it up.
AN: Thanks to AJ and Mae for the beta.
RATING: R.
CHARACTERS: Paul Kariya. Mentions of Teemu Selanne, JS Giguere, and Marty Erat.
SUMMARY: Sometimes it takes a lot to find out what you want and even longer to get there.
~~
Sex and fame
Seem pretty tame
Next to knowing that you feel the same
You feel the same
~~
Its funny how having your whole life turned upside down makes you really look at it. I thought I knew so fucking much about... fuck everything. It seems I spent my whole adult life being half of a seemingly perfect couple.
I... fuck, I don’t want to sit here and compare and contrast because that's not fair to anyone. And because really there is no comparison. I loved him; part of me will always love Teemu. I don’t know how long it would have taken me to find things out about myself if not for him and I am so... I don’t know grateful maybe, that I did have that for so long.
He was the one that made me face up to the fact that I was gay. Well he didn’t make me but he... fuck. It changed everything about me when I realized I loved him. Hell, even when I was attracted to him. I... I don't know it was just one of those moments where it seemed in a second I knew who I was... finally.
That makes me sound so stupid, but I think I was... then. It grew into so much more than that but there was always a barrier there to it being a 'real' relationship. Whatever the fuck that means.
But I think that no matter how much I don’t want to do the contrasting my brain won't listen to me. After so many years of being so happy... I wonder now if I really was. No I was. It was just... fuck. I never quite realized how much I was settling for, or how little I was settling for.
It doesn't matter how much time you have, or how little time you have, if there is someone else involved then there is settling. I wasn't unhappy. Okay maybe those last few weeks I was. No maybe about it actually. I was very fucking unhappy.
And then so fucking scared.
Like the last year or so before we broke up we... we really even weren’t together properly at all there was someone else, a lot of someone elses actually. And by the time we were physically together again it was like it was too late to recapture what we used to have.
And I found I wanted something more. I didn’t want to have to worry about so much anymore.
I woke up one morning after we'd broken up. Alone, after one of the nights Jean didn't stay over and realized that I could just call him. I didn't have to worry about who I was waking up... well aside from him. And if I wanted him to come over I could just tell him I wanted him and not worry about... well about anything. If I wanted to go to his place there was no worries.
No worrying she'd answer, or that asking him to be with me was taking him away from his kids. Stealing time from them so he could be with me. Yeah, it was much easier with Jean. And I loved him too, a lot. I kinda wanted it all with him one day I think.
But he's not the settling down kind of guy. I had his heart, but the rest of him wasn't content for just one person. This time there was no real big break up or scene or anything like there was with Teemu we just saw each other less and less as time went on.
Even when we'd play each other we wouldn’t talk, or do anything else. We'd never been faithful or asked each other to. Even when I realized that that was what I wanted I knew I would never ask that of him. I'd never make him say no to me like that.
So we drifted for months until after a couple of failed experiments I finally met someone who it seemed like I could have all the things that were kinda of rolling around inside my head but couldn’t quite believe could happen with. Marty and me... it was something I didn’t want to mess up.
Sometimes I wonder about Marty being so much younger. And think about where I was when I was his age and then I start to think that maybe I think too much and move on. We're happy and it's incredible. And I know I can want more with him and he's feeling the same thing. I had to clear things up with me and Jean to make that happen and I did.
It wasn’t even a bad talk with Jean when it finally happened. For me anyway. I think for him too he was glad deep down that if it couldn’t be him I was happy with at least I'd be happy. I hope one day he will be too in a way that I could never make him.
We'd both made each other very happy. But there'd been hurt too. Part of me still wonders if I had of stayed with him instead of going back to Teemu if things would have been different. Its one of those things that is pointless to think about but you still can't help it.
I think for me things have worked out for the best right now anyway. I've never felt like this. Like everything is... well its not easy but it is in a way too. There's no worrying about if I'm hurting anyone, or hurting myself. Or thinking about if I'm alone for the night what Marty might be doing, or who he might be doing.
No threesomes or picking up guys together, no picking up guys period. I didn’t even realize how much I wanted this until I had it. Until I had Marty. Maybe we've moved pretty fast and all but it worked... you know?
It's not like I've been free with anything else but sex. It's only been the three of guys that got in this deep with me. And maybe two or three more that even got close enough that it was more than just a fuck. I've fucked around with a lot of guys over the years. But I had a good eight years of just one person before that.
And I'm looking forward to a lot more years of the same thing. There's no going back for me. I wanted it all and I got it. As much time as I've spent wanting more, more than I had in any other relationship I've been in, I know in this one there's nothing more I want.
Looking back, I'm not sorry about any of it. The guys I loved, the guys I didn’t love. None of it makes me feel bad that it happened now.
It all got me to right here.
And that's just right for me.
THE END
AUTHOR: Frala
E-MAIL: frala at hotmail dot com
DISTRIBUTION: Just at Perchance to Dream
DISCLAIMER: I neither claim any ownership to any of the characters aside from the ones I made up. And I'm not implying anything about any of the characters in real life. Its all fiction, none of it actually happened, I made it up.
AN: Thanks to AJ and Mae for the beta.
RATING: R.
CHARACTERS: Paul Kariya. Mentions of Teemu Selanne, JS Giguere, and Marty Erat.
SUMMARY: Sometimes it takes a lot to find out what you want and even longer to get there.
~~
Sex and fame
Seem pretty tame
Next to knowing that you feel the same
You feel the same
~~
Its funny how having your whole life turned upside down makes you really look at it. I thought I knew so fucking much about... fuck everything. It seems I spent my whole adult life being half of a seemingly perfect couple.
I... fuck, I don’t want to sit here and compare and contrast because that's not fair to anyone. And because really there is no comparison. I loved him; part of me will always love Teemu. I don’t know how long it would have taken me to find things out about myself if not for him and I am so... I don’t know grateful maybe, that I did have that for so long.
He was the one that made me face up to the fact that I was gay. Well he didn’t make me but he... fuck. It changed everything about me when I realized I loved him. Hell, even when I was attracted to him. I... I don't know it was just one of those moments where it seemed in a second I knew who I was... finally.
That makes me sound so stupid, but I think I was... then. It grew into so much more than that but there was always a barrier there to it being a 'real' relationship. Whatever the fuck that means.
But I think that no matter how much I don’t want to do the contrasting my brain won't listen to me. After so many years of being so happy... I wonder now if I really was. No I was. It was just... fuck. I never quite realized how much I was settling for, or how little I was settling for.
It doesn't matter how much time you have, or how little time you have, if there is someone else involved then there is settling. I wasn't unhappy. Okay maybe those last few weeks I was. No maybe about it actually. I was very fucking unhappy.
And then so fucking scared.
Like the last year or so before we broke up we... we really even weren’t together properly at all there was someone else, a lot of someone elses actually. And by the time we were physically together again it was like it was too late to recapture what we used to have.
And I found I wanted something more. I didn’t want to have to worry about so much anymore.
I woke up one morning after we'd broken up. Alone, after one of the nights Jean didn't stay over and realized that I could just call him. I didn't have to worry about who I was waking up... well aside from him. And if I wanted him to come over I could just tell him I wanted him and not worry about... well about anything. If I wanted to go to his place there was no worries.
No worrying she'd answer, or that asking him to be with me was taking him away from his kids. Stealing time from them so he could be with me. Yeah, it was much easier with Jean. And I loved him too, a lot. I kinda wanted it all with him one day I think.
But he's not the settling down kind of guy. I had his heart, but the rest of him wasn't content for just one person. This time there was no real big break up or scene or anything like there was with Teemu we just saw each other less and less as time went on.
Even when we'd play each other we wouldn’t talk, or do anything else. We'd never been faithful or asked each other to. Even when I realized that that was what I wanted I knew I would never ask that of him. I'd never make him say no to me like that.
So we drifted for months until after a couple of failed experiments I finally met someone who it seemed like I could have all the things that were kinda of rolling around inside my head but couldn’t quite believe could happen with. Marty and me... it was something I didn’t want to mess up.
Sometimes I wonder about Marty being so much younger. And think about where I was when I was his age and then I start to think that maybe I think too much and move on. We're happy and it's incredible. And I know I can want more with him and he's feeling the same thing. I had to clear things up with me and Jean to make that happen and I did.
It wasn’t even a bad talk with Jean when it finally happened. For me anyway. I think for him too he was glad deep down that if it couldn’t be him I was happy with at least I'd be happy. I hope one day he will be too in a way that I could never make him.
We'd both made each other very happy. But there'd been hurt too. Part of me still wonders if I had of stayed with him instead of going back to Teemu if things would have been different. Its one of those things that is pointless to think about but you still can't help it.
I think for me things have worked out for the best right now anyway. I've never felt like this. Like everything is... well its not easy but it is in a way too. There's no worrying about if I'm hurting anyone, or hurting myself. Or thinking about if I'm alone for the night what Marty might be doing, or who he might be doing.
No threesomes or picking up guys together, no picking up guys period. I didn’t even realize how much I wanted this until I had it. Until I had Marty. Maybe we've moved pretty fast and all but it worked... you know?
It's not like I've been free with anything else but sex. It's only been the three of guys that got in this deep with me. And maybe two or three more that even got close enough that it was more than just a fuck. I've fucked around with a lot of guys over the years. But I had a good eight years of just one person before that.
And I'm looking forward to a lot more years of the same thing. There's no going back for me. I wanted it all and I got it. As much time as I've spent wanting more, more than I had in any other relationship I've been in, I know in this one there's nothing more I want.
Looking back, I'm not sorry about any of it. The guys I loved, the guys I didn’t love. None of it makes me feel bad that it happened now.
It all got me to right here.
And that's just right for me.
THE END