An end without start or start from the end? Part.1
Title: An end without start or start from the end?
Pairing: 2min, Minho/ Taena, other minor pairings
Genre: Drama, Fluff
Summary: What if love of your life has chosen your sibling instead of you? What if he has chosen to break your heart to be normal? And what does it mean to be normal?What if solution was so simple, but because of small mistake everything goes wrong? Will it be an end wihout start or start from the end?
A/N: This fic is for Exchange Fic event on Taeminho community for Choiahra. I hope you'll like it.
A/N part 2: I also want to say I'm sorry to my beta Kellie, with whom I wasn't able to keep in touch. I'm sorry! >:(
***
“I love you, hyung…” Taemin whispered clinging onto Minho’s sleeve. They were standing under the early Augusts rain for last twenty minutes and Taemin kept repeating these four words over and over again as if saying them all over again would make object of his affection accept his confession.”I have fallen for you from the first sight…hyung…”
Minho didn’t know how to reply. His heart beating unevenly, he didn’t trust himself to say a word. He knew if he replied now he would accept him, he would say how much he loved this small boy, which stayed twenty inches away from him. His heart ached, the tears rolled down his eyes, but mixing with raindrops they didn’t give him away; once in his life he was thankful to the rain.
“Hyung… please, say something…your silence is killing me…” last words were said too quiet for Minho to hear. “Please, hyung, please” Minho could hear how Taemin was trembling, his voice was shaking now, the evidence that Taemin was getting more and more nervous.
“Minnie-ah,” Minho suddenly turned around, making Taemin lose his grip on Minho’s sleeve. “You’re just confused, okay? You’re at that age when you want to experiment, try new things. But it won’t last long. Soon enough you’ll find a nice girl that you’ll fell in love with, and you’ll remember about this day with smile on your face. I promise…” Minho was saying the words that just came to his mind; he didn’t want to believe in them himself, but he had no choice. Being gay was wrong, ha couldn’t let this angelic boy become something that others would point fingers at.
“No, hyung, no... please, don’t say such things. I know I lov… ” Taemin couldn’t finish his words; Minho grabbed his shoulders, looking straight in his eyes. Taemin was startled.
“Minnie-ah, your feelings are wrong, I can’t accept them. I. Will. Not. Accept. Them. ” He regretted saying all of these hurtful words right after saying. He saw in Taemin’s eyes how he was breaking down, how the light, that always shined and warmed him, was dying inside the boy. He wanted to take everything back, he wanted to embrace a fragile boy, and keep him by his side forever, but he couldn’t. If he wouldn’t finish it tonight, he would give false hopes to Taemin, and would hurt him more later on.
Taemin didn’t say a thing; he just broke away from Minho’s grip and started walking away. He didn’t cry. He didn’t shed even a single tear. But that was the worst.
He walked all the way to his house under heavily pouring rain. Minho stayed on the roller-skating arena, their place, place of Minho-hyung’s and Taemin-dongsaeng’s friendship, the place where everything started and where everything ended.
***
Taemin heavily stepped into the house, wishing Earth to open up and swallow him whole. His heart ached. Wet from top till toes, he couldn’t feel his limbs from the numbness.
“Lee Taemin, why the hell did you walk in this rain without umbrella?”His older sister nagged at him. She was worried that he would get sick. But then she saw his face and immediately understood that something was wrong with her little baby-brother.
“Min-ah, are you okay? Did something happen to you on your way home?” she waited for Taemin to answer. But he just kept shaking his head to the sides, not saying a word. His sister tried to him, but he shook her hands off him and silently passed to the safety of his own room.
At his room he went to his diary and started writing, a song. It was something he hasn’t done in years, since his dad had passed away. Song writing was his way of getting his pain out, and putting it somewhere else until he was strong enough to deal with them. He didn’t stop for a second, lyrics and music just flowing out of him, with those words were also flowing out his pain, his fears, his dry, non-fallen tears…
I thought everything in this world was simple
I thought I could just listen to my heart, and love
But I was wrong… I could not…
Something around changed, didn’t break
Just disappeared. Disappeared with you.
You knew everything but couldn’t accept
Didn’t make even first steps…
You put an end, without even starting
You left, and I’m alone…
But still I’ll, I’ll be loving you, and will
Will live with only you in my mind
In spite of everything I’ll stand straight
And deep in my heart I’ll keep my love
My only love for you…
After he read what he felt, he decided to live, to live without his hyung, his best friend, his only love. But with hope that this song could have the happy end.
***
Two weeks had passed since the memorable day. Nor Minho neither Taemin tried to contact each other. They just continued to live, Taemin thinking that Minho forgot him, and Minho, hoping that Taemin moved on him. They just didn’t know that those two weeks were like a hell for both guys.
Taemin didn’t live anymore, he just existed. He ate, he slept, he moved, he went to school. That’s all. He didn’t smile or laugh, or cry. He didn’t sing, even though before he couldn’t stay silent even for a minute; he didn’t dance, even though dancing was a passion of his life.
Minho wasn’t feeling any better, maybe even worse, because he had to pretend that he was happy in front of his parents. He had to show them how happy he was with all their plans about his future, the future that included him becoming the right hand of his dad in three years, after he would graduate from college, the future that included his marriage on a pretty girl and many-many cute babies.
***
Another month passed. Minho couldn’t stand the heavy burden on his heart and the pain on his soul anymore. He couldn’t stand not seeing the bundle of his happiness anymore, he needed to see Taemin so badly, that he was ready to go and kneel in front of a boy and ask for forgiveness.
And today was the same day as usual. He woke up with heavy weight on his shoulders. If only he wasn’t the only son of his parents, if only this country could accept gay couples, if only… so many ‘if only’s’, because of them he couldn’t be with the love of his life.
After taking a quick shower and biting down a sandwich his mom made for him, he ran to his morning classes. He tried to concentrate on the lecture, but his mind kept playing the scene of Taemin walking away from him over and over again. He regretted everything. If he had a chance to rewind everything, he would happily accept the younger one’s confession, he wouldn’t be this miserable.
After his classes ended, he decided to go for a walk, to their place, to the roller-skating arena in the middle of the Seoul.
Minho walked slowly, not caring about all rushing people shouting to him to walk faster. But suddenly he was brought back to Earth from his thoughts, as someone bumped into him. He looked down at the person, and he was shocked. It was a boy, looking so much similar to his Taemin.
They had same almond shaped warm brown eyes, same auburn colored silky hair, falling down the shoulders, and same plump pink lips; the only differences were their face and eye-brow shapes, and the boy still had the light in her eyes, the light that Minho had broken in Taemin’s eyes.
“Mianheyo…” the boy apologized, that’s when Minho realized that it wasn’t a boy, but a girl. She stood up, starting to collect things that had fallen out of her bag.
“It’s okay. It was my fault. I was being too slow” Minho helped her with her books. When she stood straight, he took another look at the girl. His heart skipped a beat. “I’m Choi Minho” he held out his hand for a shake.
“Kim Taena, I’m very sorry for bumping into you, I was distracted a little bit by my phone” the girl apologized one more time. Girl smiled at him, he smiled back.
They started chatting; it was easy to Minho to talk to this girl. They spent a day together. Taena reminded of Taemin so much, that Minho imagined that he was with Taemin entire time.
After they arrived at the bus stop, Minho decided to take a chance to move on and asked the girl for her phone number and asked her out for a date. She agreed.
***
Minho and Taena have started dating, Taemin kept existing. Even his best friend from toddlers, Jonghyun, couldn’t bring him out of that condition. He blamed himself for brining Taemin to the roller-skating arena that day, the day when Taemin and Minho had met.
Taemin never was a good skater, not on ice nor on the ground. That day Jonghyun had a date with a girl on roller-skating arena, but she couldn’t come, so he didn’t want to spend day alone and decided to call Taemin up. Taemin couldn’t reject his best friend’s plea, especially his puppy eyes. On the arena, he was falling all the time, and once he fell on Minho. That’s when he uncontrollably fell in love with Choi Minho.
In last few months Taemin had lost a lot of weight and his mom was worried about him. They have gone to the doctor, and he had said that if it was going to continue that way, they would have to give the nutritions to Tae with IV. That had made Taemin to get a little bit of sense into him. He started eating, not exactly eating, but simply shoving food into himself.
He hadn’t smiled for a two months and three weeks. He hadn’t said a full sentence for the same amount of time. His mother and sister have tried everything to bring Taemin back to life. It broke their hearts to see their youngest one in such a condition.
“Umma, ottoke, I can’t see him being a walking body anymore. I just can’t… I wish he would tell us what’s happening to him” Taemin heard his sister talking to his mom, when he was going to go to kitchen and get some water. “It hurts so much. How long it has been, three months?”
“I know, Taena, I know. It hurts me too. It scares me that if we will push harder, he will break even more. I don’t want everything to repeat. Remember how long it took him to recover from your father’s death. He looks the same. I can’t push. Let’s wait, we can only wait” Taemin heard sobs of his mother and sister. He understood that he couldn’t be that selfish anymore.
He put up his smile and went back to his room. In front of mirror he practiced his forgotten smile. He had to smile. For his family’s sake. It would be a fake smile, but he needed to fool everyone.
Next morning he woke up with smile, not touching his eyes. But that wasn’t important.
“UMMA, I need my orange juice!” he shouted loudly, getting to the bathroom.
His mom was shocked from sudden change, but hurriedly went to kitchen to get her son’s regular freshly squeezed orange juice. Taena jumped out of her bed, hearing the loud voice of Taemin.
Everything went to back, like nothing had ever happened, and Taemin’s soul wasn’t broken into small pieces.
***
One afternoon he was sitting in his room, when his noona ran into his bedroom, all glowing with happiness.
“Min-ah, want you to meet one person!!” Taemin could see how excited she was. They were siblings after all, the soul mates. They always felt each other, and he knew that he had put his sister through the hell for last three months. “He’s the guy I have been dating for a month already, I wanted you to meet him earlier, but I didn’t want to bother you when you were feeling down. And now since you feel better, you can’t get away from it! LET’S GOOOO” she dragged him out of his room downstairs, where her boyfriend was waiting.
The moment Taemin saw the back of the tall guy he shouted “NO” but only in his mind. He still hoped that he was just hallucinating, and that this guy was just looking like his Minho. But his hopes crushed when his SISTER’S BOYFRIEND turned around.
“Min-ah, this is Choi Minho, my boyfriend” she smiled with wide shining smile, feeling excited that two most important men of her life were finally meeting each other.
“Hello, I’m Choi Min-” he lost his breathe when he saw who was standing in front of him. He could his own heart shatter as he realized that he just broke the boy’s heart one more time. He saw the blank eyes, that seemed that they couldn’t show anything anymore, breaking one more time. “-ho” Minho ended his greeting.
“Hi, Lee Taemin” Taemin said quickly with fake smile and ran upstairs, tears falling down his cheeks for the first time since his dad’s funeral.
‘Now, I know what you meant by meeting pretty girl for marrying… But WHY IT HAS TO BE MY SISTER?’ he cried, biting his pillow to silence his scream. His all hard work to put a happy face was now shattered. He just couldn’t. Not after seeing how Minho had easily fell in love.
‘This only means he never had any feelings for me. That’s right. He’s straight. How could I even think of him being gay? Minho. So perfect. He never would have such a big flaw as homosexuality. Why her? Why did you have to fall in love with my sister… wasn’t just rejecting me cruel enough for you? ’ he cried and cried. Tears that had been kept in his chest for years, since his dad’s death, were now falling.
He couldn’t take the pain anymore. He needed to put it somewhere. He went back to his thick diary, ending his song. Not a happy end.
In this life, everyone has their own roles
And you play yours well, but
At moments when I’m all alone
Somewhere near you, but only
Not someone you waiting for,
I am as if between heaven and hell
At the intersection of two roads
Time has changed us, it changed me
And it is time to understand everything,
Put everything back to places, but ...
But still I’ll, I’ll be loving you, and will
Will live with only you in my mind
In spite of everything I’ll stand straight
And deep in my heart I’ll keep my love
My only love for you…
And no one will see my tears,
Even if it hurts too much
I'll be able to understand everything,
Now I can forgive and accept
Now that you cannot and won’t change ...
***
Minho was shocked to meet Taemin. From all the people Taemin had to be his girlfriend’s brother. He had heard about Taena’s brother all the time, and he had thought they were very similar. Taena even looked and behaved very same as Taemin, one of the reasons Minho dated her, but he never thought that they were actually siblings. Taemin and Taena had different last names. Later Taena explained that she had taken her mother’s maiden last name, as she had promised to her grandpa.
After the meeting memorable day, Minho wasn’t able to be calm. Every evening he stayed at his room, not going anywhere, just pacing from one corner to another.
“Minho, darling, we need to talk.” one afternoon his mother had come up to him, looking very serious.
“Ne, umma, what do you want to talk about?” Minho tried to think of any possible topics his mom would want to talk about.
“Baby, what’s happening to you?” he could see concern in her eyes. “You weren’t yourself for last months. And this week became even worse.I can barely recognize you. You are keeping putting that happiness mask all the time, and I still can see how unhappy you are. You can’t fool me. And don’t try to brush it away, Minho-ah, I’m your mom. I will know.” She took her son’s hand in her own and lovingly caressed it.
“Mom, everything is great, I just had some problems with my girlfriend…” he half-lied. He had problems with his love life, with his girlfriend’s brother to be precise.
“Minho-ah, don’t be stubborn, I can see that that’s not the case” his mom made her grip on his hands stronger, as if that would make him tell the truth. She took deep breath and continued, since Minho kept quiet “Minho, you know that for us, for your dad and me your happiness is the most important thing, right? If it’s about taking over your dad’s business then that’s okay, we won’t force you, we never would. Don’t think that that’s your responsibility. You still can change your major to the psychology, as you have wanted” she took a break and waited for Minho to confirm her guess.
“Anyo, Umma, it’s not about that. I want to take over, I like doing business.” He half-lied again. He didn’t like it, but he could live with it.
“Than what, baby?” Mrs. Choi was lost. “Tell, you know you can tell anything to your mom” she urged him.
“Mom, I don’t know if I can tell you this.” Minho suddenly felt the need to be in his mother embrace, he needed to feel safe again.”Mom… Mom… I’m lost, I don’t know what to do” his voice broke down, as the tears started flowing down from his eyes. Mrs. Choi hoped she would be able to help her loved and treasured son.
***
“What?” Taemin’s mother asked for the fourth time. It has been a month since was introduced to Minho as Taena’s little brother.
“Mom, our music department’s headmaster had suggested me to apply to the Berkley Musical College in Boston three months ago. He said it was the great opportunity for me. We have sent my portfolio and records. I received the answer last week. They have accepted me and I have to start from the January. I even got a full scholarship from Berkley. Our school’s music department is also going to give me scholarship for dormitory and other expenses. ” Taemin kept his eyes on the floor entire time he spoke to his mother.
He didn’t tell to his mother that he begged his music department headmaster to help him get his application in special file as extraordinary dancer, so the college would accept his application and would give the answer back soon. He had to promise to come back as a dance or vocal class’s instructor to his school once he was done with studying. He was very surprised when he received a call from Berkley on Saturday night, telling that he was accepted and even got a scholarship. He knew that he was being selfish, but he couldn’t continue that anymore. He couldn’t keep straight face in front of Minho each time he saw his sister and her boyfriend. It was like living a hell.
He thought that heart could break only once, but his heart seemed to be with a defect, it kept shattering each time he saw Minho, each time he heard his sister say ‘my Minho’. He couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Min-ah, you want to leave your mother and sister?” his mother’s eyes had started to water. “How are we going to live without you?”
“Mom, you know music is the love of my life, and I want to sing and dance, please, let me go. It’s once in a life opportunity. I can’t let it go. I’ll be coming during the breaks” he hoped he wouldn’t have leave without his mother’s blessing, but he knew he would leave no matter what “Mom, please?” the betraying tears rolled down his cheeks.
His mom saw the tears, and she sighed. At least now Taemin was showing his true emotions. She just was wrong about the origins of those emotions.
“Okay, son. I trust you to make a right decision. But if it gets too hard there, you can come back anytime. When are you leaving?” she asked, hugging her dearly loved son.
“I need you to talk with our school principal , so he can allow me to graduate before winter break, so I will be able to attend Berkley beginning from January semester.” Taemin couldn’t believe he was deciding his future, just like that. Twenty minutes.
“I’ll talk. And you need to tell that your sister.” She kissed Taemin’s forehead and walked away.
***
“Baby!!!! I’m sooooo happy for you! My baby-brother is going to the US! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me up until now…” Taemin had just told his noona about the acceptance into college, two days before his flight. He thought she would be mad at him for applying to the foreign country and keeping it from her for so long, but he apparently was wrong.
“You are not mad at me?” he asked her.
“Of course not, Min-ah, of course I’m not mad at you.” she tightly hugged her brother “Taemin-ah, I know what music and dancing mean to you. You just have to visit us on every single break you’ll get! ” Taemin took deep breathe, he had fooled everyone, even his sister who always knew when he lied; maybe he became a good actor or his sister was too much in love to notice Taemin’s pain.
“Minho and I will take you to the airpo-” Taemin didn’t let her finish.
“No!” he shouted; the last thing he needed before leaving Seoul was seeing his love happily sending him away, standing beside his sister. “Don’t worry, noona, I’m going to leave with early morning flight, so I don’t want anyone to come with me”
‘Zzzzzzzzzz-zzzzzzzzzzzzz-zzzzzzzzzzzz’ Taena’s phone rang suddenly.
“Yoboseyo, Ne, Minho-ah, where are you? Baby, I haven’t seen you forever!” she stood up and walked up to her room.
‘I made right choice’ Taemin sighed one more time. He already had packed most of his stuff. He had only left his everyday usage things that he could pack in his backpack. Picking himself up from the floor, he went around the house, to say his ‘good byes’ to his house.