the entry i cant believe im writing but needs to be written for record keeping
ive figured out that i tend to fall in love with "the black marble out of the bag." the most passionate girls. the girls that love u forever but it never tends to work out because of fate. i think theres a word for it. i dont know the word, but im cursed. everytime i fall in love it proves impossible to continue. one day when i was about 9 i met a girl and it was love at first sight. we hooked up and it was fucking amazing. but the next day she left to another city because she was on vacation. she remained in my head for a very long time, years. later on i fell in love with a girl that was totally out of my class, really rich girl. again, love at first sight. but this time she pushed me away with all her effort because we were going to go to different schools. similar events took place further in my life. and now, i met this girl that is totally amazing, love at first sight. i used to catch her staring at me for long periods of time. i tried talking to her several times. she was the biggest bitch to me. i never understood what was going on. eventually she started being nice to me. so i asked her to the prom. she seemed very happy. we went to prom, she was the prettiest girl there, every girl i knew told me that she looked like a model and started asking me alot of questions. w.e. after that, she ditches me to go with her friends instead of comming with me to the afterparty. that pissed me off. i thought she was a bitch at heart. so the next day at school i didnt talk to her. but she seemed to be hppy about going with me to the prom and seemed all giddy and cute. as if we had had a great time. so i oculdnt be mad at her anymore. then next day, i was super nice to her because i started to figure out why she had acted like that. her parents. anyways, i would compliment her on all her prettyness and i walked her to class (which i almost never did before). she seemed to like what i was doing. but it didnt spark any new emotions within her. that confused me. and today, i had class with her, and i was nicer than normal to her, but i remained serious (no stupid jokes or anything.) she seemed to like the kisses i was giving her. but what was weird is that her friend asked me if i liked her and i said yea, then she said, "oh but not like that only as friends." thats exactly what i didnt mean. plus she kinda got nervous after that. that kinda put the second to last pieces of the puzzle in place. then when i called her this afternoon, she gave me a little blow off with the "u might be going to college out of state u never know hehe." when i brought up a subject that invilved contact over the summer. then she started telling me that shes going to college in Switzerland so she can secure her future just incase she ever got divorced. given that she "is going to get married very soon and have kids." thats when it hit me. SHES RELIGIOUS. herparents will make her get married pretty soon. just like any jewish girl. and this is not something that can be prevented withought a huge scandal. so old fashioned. well anyways. now i understand what has been happening. shes in love with me but knows it wont work out because i wont be willing to marry her so soon. but heres what i dont get, why does she not let me go??? i tried ignoring her and ending everything but she didnt want that. so what is it???? so much for this love story. u guys have no idea how she kisses. the most passionate kiss i think ever possible. now i know why shes been kissing me as if we'll die tomorrow.