Accidental Pick Ups
I remember always being a shy kid. I was a talented artist, my teachers all said, a gifted singer, begged by the choir to join, and I seemed to make funny out of anything you put in front of me. But I never acted on those things and many others, because I was too shy. I was a cute kid, which got me called cutie a lot. It made it worse for me. I just hated being the center of attention, the spotlight on me. I remember that I was chosen to sing a lead role in a music class program in the third grade but lost it because I couldn't sing loud enough for people to hear me.
I was a shy kid...
I want to give credit to my 7th grade girlfriend for changing me. I had a lot of crushes on girls starting in third grade. I liked girls more than boys. They were always soft and sweet. All the boys I met were mean and liked to tear up my toys. I was always too shy to really be friends with anyone, escpecially girls. When I was in the 6th grade I met this girl named Celeste. She was in 7th grade.
I changed schools a lot as a kid, so it made even tougher to make friends. I don't remember the exacts of it, but she and I became friends. I remember her telling me one day that she was my girlfriend now and I should always love her forever. I took it to heart and really tried to treat her like a loved one. From today's perspective it was silly and cute, but back then I took it very seriously.
The trouble was that this girl was playing several boys to get them to give her things. She would break up with me on Monday, get what she could from some other boy and by Wednesday be calling me to be her boyfriend again. Although a shy kid with no real friends, I had enough after four or five times and finally told her that I would never be her boyfriend again.
It hurt me to say it, because she was the first real friend I had in a long time and I really liked her. I remember I actually went to bed early upset about it, and it was Friday. I watched the Dukes of Hazard every week, but that week I missed it. By Monday, I was over her and I was a different kid.
I wasn't shy anymore. Something in that pain she caused me made my shyness seem silly, but it also made me harder to get close to. I had many girls come into my life after Celeste, but very few got mutually close to me. I just wouldn't let myself be hurt again, and I watched a lot of those little girls toying with boys.
They were just trying to learn the boundaries, the limits of opposite sex interaction, but as a child I took it personally. I saw girls as evil and vile creatures who would use their sweet voices and inviting eyes to lure unsuspecting boys into a trap. Like a spider they would wrap them up in a sticky mess they couldn't excape from until it was too late.
I decided to be the one that always got away.
In the 8th grade I met a girl, Jody who became my best friend. I had never had a female best friend before. I had never really had a best friend before, but she came whooshing into my life and never left. It seemed strange to me at first how I didn't want her to be my girlfriend. I wanted her to be my friend, my buddy, my pal. I didn't want to hold her hand or kiss her, and I thought for quite some time that I was weird.
I remember that we spent 8th and 9th grade as best friends, and then I moved away. We wrote twice a week. I came down for Christmas and she was the second person on my list to visit. When she saw me she hugged me and climbed up into my arms wrapping her entire body around me like I had just rescued her from a fire.
We stayed up all night talking about old stuff and catching up on things we hadn't talked about in our letters. I can close my eyes and remember that day like it was last week. I spent another year away, but returned my senior year. After graduation we went seperate ways but have still talked over the years. I guess we aren't as close as we were then, but we are still in each others lives.
She is significant to my history because I deeply cared about her. I loved her, even if it was just a sister. I just didn't let many people in back then, and she stands out the most when I think about growing up. I had plenty of girls in high school that I dated. I had a girlfriend in high school that was more like jewelry than a companion. If we went to a party she was off with whoever-doing whatever. We only spent time together at school, usually at lunch, and it wasn't really a relationship. We just wanted to be seen together for the look of it. Although I wasn't a jock or a rich kid in in high school, I was really popular, and so was she. It was kind of snobbish, looking back, that we didn't want to be going steady with someone who wasn't as popular, but we weren't really going out with each other either.
She used it to get guys to do whatever she wanted. They thought they were special to do favors for one of the most popular girls in school, and doing it behind my back made it even more cool. Thing is, she told me about all of it. It was like some kind of conquest game with her. She bragged about getting some guy to go under the dirty table at McDonalds to get her off and how she let him keep her underwear as a souvenir.
I had girls talk to me and want to be with me, but I just wasn't into that. I had a few who felt me up and give what would be considered a lap dance today, but I wasn't sleeping around and using girls that way. It didn't feel right to me. That is where my trouble began.
At some point in the fun and games of being that popular guy, I realized I did have a heart. If I was a bastard like many of those guys were...I hate to think what I could have done. I think the way I cared for Jody made me be that good guy. The decent guy I was in her eyes. I always thought about her being disappointed in me for doing something despicable, and it kept me from doing it.
So in my life I have loved. Not just like a brother. I have loved with all my heart and given my soul away to she who lived in my heart. Many times I have gotten that soul back bruised and abused, beaten like an unwanted child, but I always patch it up and freely give it away again. When everything comes down to brass tacks, it's what I was put here for.
I'm not here for glossy, silver words. I'm not here to guide people who have gotten lost along the way. I am here to love, and by doing so all else follows with it. It makes doing what I do easier and natural. I just try to love everyone. There is something worth loving in everyone, I believe.
As I have gotten older I realize that the way I felt as a little boy is similar to how I feel today. I love girls. Sure, nearly every guy could say that, but they don't mean it the way I do. When I first look at a girl I see her eyes. Are they bright and inviting? Then I notice her lips. Sure, she's smiling, but are her lips agreeing with that smile or is she secretly wishing she could jump in front of a train?
I notice the little things first, like how she pushes her hair behind her ear when she's nervous. The way the blinks several times quickly when something warms her heart but wants to hide it. All the little things that guys don't do, I notice. I can usually tell rather quickly if a girl is genuine or not. All the little tells give them away, and it surprises them when I call the bluff. They get so good at their games because most guys only see boobs and butts. Those areas don't really tell anything about a girl except if they are, indeed...a girl.
Today I have remain single as a choice, not as a lack of options. Some criticize me, saying I am too old to be prowling like a teenager. I am not prowling. I don't date, I don't go to bars or clubs on my own. I only go when invited by friends as a group. They think I should be married, or at least attached. I think I should just do what I do.
I stay single because it's not fair to anyone I would be in a relationship with. If someone needs my help, I almost always offer it. I have watched jealousy stick it's dirty old ass in the way too many times to know that as long as I choose to love people, I will hurt the ones who love me the most. There are very few people out there who think that people are worth loving anymore, so most don't get it. They don't understand why I do what I do. When you don't understand it, you resent it.
I was helping an old friend who is recently divorced. He wants to get back into the dating game, try to find someone he can go out with, but his divorce has stolen his confidence and made him that same shy little boy I was so many years ago. So he asked me to come with him to the sports bar, as support and to help him figure out how to get back into the game.
He says he doesn't want to be that weird, jerky guy, who uses bad pick-up lines and seems like more of a serial killer than a good idea for a date, but somehow he comes off as a loser everytime he moves. I told him I would go and I counseled him to be himself, just walk over and give a hello, how are you?
He laughs after a few minutes, his lack of confidence overpowering my words. He looks at me and says, "I don't know why I'm asking you for help anyway. It's not like you get dates. You're the most single guy I know."
"Only by choice," I happily correct.
"Sure, whatever you say," he mocks.
So I load him into the car and we go to the bar. I ask him to point out a girl who he thinks I should talk to. After a few minutes a girl with red hair leans on the rail near the door. He motions to her and smiles. I give him a nod, pull my iphone from it's case and approach her with the camera pointed at her.
When I get an arms length away her face turns to surprise, so I lower the phone enough to see her eyes.
"Hold still one second," I say, and quickly snap the picture.
"Um..." she says, confused.
I lean in a little closer and say, "so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas."
She giggles, I buy her a non-alcholic drink, and we talk at a booth for the next hour. When I get up to leave she gives me her number and tells me she'd like to continue the conversation later. I tell her that I really wasn't looking for anything, and I even tell her why I approached her. She calls me sweet and says she hopes to talk to me anyway.
As we leave, my friend can only look at me in disbelief. I pat him on the back and say, "Just because I don't, it doesn't mean I can't."
The next day the red haired girl calls me at noon. She is about to have lunch alone and wants me to help her fix that, saying that she just wants to get to know me a little better. After several minutes of talk I finally just told her that I had her number and I would someday call her just to talk. She seemed disappointed, but said she would be looking forward to it.
I did call her a week later, we talked for an hour. It was time well spent because she finally understood that I didn't want a girlfriend, but that we could be friends otherwise. A few random emails and phone calls come in everyday. Luckily she seems to be well with the idea that we would just be friends. Of course, she could be holding out, hoping to change my mind.
If so, it's just another example of why I don't date and I don't go out. If I wreck the car, I have insurance. Get sick, insurance. If my house burns to the ground, it's insured. But even with all this protection, there is nothing to cover a broken heart, caused by an accidental pick-up.
I was a shy kid...
I want to give credit to my 7th grade girlfriend for changing me. I had a lot of crushes on girls starting in third grade. I liked girls more than boys. They were always soft and sweet. All the boys I met were mean and liked to tear up my toys. I was always too shy to really be friends with anyone, escpecially girls. When I was in the 6th grade I met this girl named Celeste. She was in 7th grade.
I changed schools a lot as a kid, so it made even tougher to make friends. I don't remember the exacts of it, but she and I became friends. I remember her telling me one day that she was my girlfriend now and I should always love her forever. I took it to heart and really tried to treat her like a loved one. From today's perspective it was silly and cute, but back then I took it very seriously.
The trouble was that this girl was playing several boys to get them to give her things. She would break up with me on Monday, get what she could from some other boy and by Wednesday be calling me to be her boyfriend again. Although a shy kid with no real friends, I had enough after four or five times and finally told her that I would never be her boyfriend again.
It hurt me to say it, because she was the first real friend I had in a long time and I really liked her. I remember I actually went to bed early upset about it, and it was Friday. I watched the Dukes of Hazard every week, but that week I missed it. By Monday, I was over her and I was a different kid.
I wasn't shy anymore. Something in that pain she caused me made my shyness seem silly, but it also made me harder to get close to. I had many girls come into my life after Celeste, but very few got mutually close to me. I just wouldn't let myself be hurt again, and I watched a lot of those little girls toying with boys.
They were just trying to learn the boundaries, the limits of opposite sex interaction, but as a child I took it personally. I saw girls as evil and vile creatures who would use their sweet voices and inviting eyes to lure unsuspecting boys into a trap. Like a spider they would wrap them up in a sticky mess they couldn't excape from until it was too late.
I decided to be the one that always got away.
In the 8th grade I met a girl, Jody who became my best friend. I had never had a female best friend before. I had never really had a best friend before, but she came whooshing into my life and never left. It seemed strange to me at first how I didn't want her to be my girlfriend. I wanted her to be my friend, my buddy, my pal. I didn't want to hold her hand or kiss her, and I thought for quite some time that I was weird.
I remember that we spent 8th and 9th grade as best friends, and then I moved away. We wrote twice a week. I came down for Christmas and she was the second person on my list to visit. When she saw me she hugged me and climbed up into my arms wrapping her entire body around me like I had just rescued her from a fire.
We stayed up all night talking about old stuff and catching up on things we hadn't talked about in our letters. I can close my eyes and remember that day like it was last week. I spent another year away, but returned my senior year. After graduation we went seperate ways but have still talked over the years. I guess we aren't as close as we were then, but we are still in each others lives.
She is significant to my history because I deeply cared about her. I loved her, even if it was just a sister. I just didn't let many people in back then, and she stands out the most when I think about growing up. I had plenty of girls in high school that I dated. I had a girlfriend in high school that was more like jewelry than a companion. If we went to a party she was off with whoever-doing whatever. We only spent time together at school, usually at lunch, and it wasn't really a relationship. We just wanted to be seen together for the look of it. Although I wasn't a jock or a rich kid in in high school, I was really popular, and so was she. It was kind of snobbish, looking back, that we didn't want to be going steady with someone who wasn't as popular, but we weren't really going out with each other either.
She used it to get guys to do whatever she wanted. They thought they were special to do favors for one of the most popular girls in school, and doing it behind my back made it even more cool. Thing is, she told me about all of it. It was like some kind of conquest game with her. She bragged about getting some guy to go under the dirty table at McDonalds to get her off and how she let him keep her underwear as a souvenir.
I had girls talk to me and want to be with me, but I just wasn't into that. I had a few who felt me up and give what would be considered a lap dance today, but I wasn't sleeping around and using girls that way. It didn't feel right to me. That is where my trouble began.
At some point in the fun and games of being that popular guy, I realized I did have a heart. If I was a bastard like many of those guys were...I hate to think what I could have done. I think the way I cared for Jody made me be that good guy. The decent guy I was in her eyes. I always thought about her being disappointed in me for doing something despicable, and it kept me from doing it.
So in my life I have loved. Not just like a brother. I have loved with all my heart and given my soul away to she who lived in my heart. Many times I have gotten that soul back bruised and abused, beaten like an unwanted child, but I always patch it up and freely give it away again. When everything comes down to brass tacks, it's what I was put here for.
I'm not here for glossy, silver words. I'm not here to guide people who have gotten lost along the way. I am here to love, and by doing so all else follows with it. It makes doing what I do easier and natural. I just try to love everyone. There is something worth loving in everyone, I believe.
As I have gotten older I realize that the way I felt as a little boy is similar to how I feel today. I love girls. Sure, nearly every guy could say that, but they don't mean it the way I do. When I first look at a girl I see her eyes. Are they bright and inviting? Then I notice her lips. Sure, she's smiling, but are her lips agreeing with that smile or is she secretly wishing she could jump in front of a train?
I notice the little things first, like how she pushes her hair behind her ear when she's nervous. The way the blinks several times quickly when something warms her heart but wants to hide it. All the little things that guys don't do, I notice. I can usually tell rather quickly if a girl is genuine or not. All the little tells give them away, and it surprises them when I call the bluff. They get so good at their games because most guys only see boobs and butts. Those areas don't really tell anything about a girl except if they are, indeed...a girl.
Today I have remain single as a choice, not as a lack of options. Some criticize me, saying I am too old to be prowling like a teenager. I am not prowling. I don't date, I don't go to bars or clubs on my own. I only go when invited by friends as a group. They think I should be married, or at least attached. I think I should just do what I do.
I stay single because it's not fair to anyone I would be in a relationship with. If someone needs my help, I almost always offer it. I have watched jealousy stick it's dirty old ass in the way too many times to know that as long as I choose to love people, I will hurt the ones who love me the most. There are very few people out there who think that people are worth loving anymore, so most don't get it. They don't understand why I do what I do. When you don't understand it, you resent it.
I was helping an old friend who is recently divorced. He wants to get back into the dating game, try to find someone he can go out with, but his divorce has stolen his confidence and made him that same shy little boy I was so many years ago. So he asked me to come with him to the sports bar, as support and to help him figure out how to get back into the game.
He says he doesn't want to be that weird, jerky guy, who uses bad pick-up lines and seems like more of a serial killer than a good idea for a date, but somehow he comes off as a loser everytime he moves. I told him I would go and I counseled him to be himself, just walk over and give a hello, how are you?
He laughs after a few minutes, his lack of confidence overpowering my words. He looks at me and says, "I don't know why I'm asking you for help anyway. It's not like you get dates. You're the most single guy I know."
"Only by choice," I happily correct.
"Sure, whatever you say," he mocks.
So I load him into the car and we go to the bar. I ask him to point out a girl who he thinks I should talk to. After a few minutes a girl with red hair leans on the rail near the door. He motions to her and smiles. I give him a nod, pull my iphone from it's case and approach her with the camera pointed at her.
When I get an arms length away her face turns to surprise, so I lower the phone enough to see her eyes.
"Hold still one second," I say, and quickly snap the picture.
"Um..." she says, confused.
I lean in a little closer and say, "so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas."
She giggles, I buy her a non-alcholic drink, and we talk at a booth for the next hour. When I get up to leave she gives me her number and tells me she'd like to continue the conversation later. I tell her that I really wasn't looking for anything, and I even tell her why I approached her. She calls me sweet and says she hopes to talk to me anyway.
As we leave, my friend can only look at me in disbelief. I pat him on the back and say, "Just because I don't, it doesn't mean I can't."
The next day the red haired girl calls me at noon. She is about to have lunch alone and wants me to help her fix that, saying that she just wants to get to know me a little better. After several minutes of talk I finally just told her that I had her number and I would someday call her just to talk. She seemed disappointed, but said she would be looking forward to it.
I did call her a week later, we talked for an hour. It was time well spent because she finally understood that I didn't want a girlfriend, but that we could be friends otherwise. A few random emails and phone calls come in everyday. Luckily she seems to be well with the idea that we would just be friends. Of course, she could be holding out, hoping to change my mind.
If so, it's just another example of why I don't date and I don't go out. If I wreck the car, I have insurance. Get sick, insurance. If my house burns to the ground, it's insured. But even with all this protection, there is nothing to cover a broken heart, caused by an accidental pick-up.