Baby Steps
Title: Baby Steps
Author: Meggy
Fandom: Tokio Hotel
Pairing(s): Bill/Tom
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, the real people in it are used without their permission and I do not own them or have any copyright to any part of any of them. I do not believe any of this happened, is likely to happen, or will happen. It is simply a story created around known facts about those involved.
Summary: Bill's playing a game with life that Tom doesn't like.
“You think this is all some sort of game. You like the idea of getting caught, and the attention, and-“
Word Count: 1868
~*~
Tom scowled, glaring at the image carved into the desk. It was simple B hearts T. Yeah. Guess what it stood for? No, it wasn’t for Beth hearts Tyler. It wasn’t Bob hearts Taylor either. Tom knows and he’s pissed. He’s beyond pissed actually, at his brother. So pissed because he’s sure Bill wanted them to get caught. The stupid carving proved that. His brother wanted them to get caught, found out. Tom sighed, his head making a hollow sound as it hit the desk, his eyes gazing out emptily. His brother thought it was all a game. The whole world was a game to Bill. None of it meant anything, and this was just another one of his sick demented ways of playing with it. Some sort of messed up thrill being on the verge of getting caught. Not like it was even that messed up, considering that they had other things that they did and liked, that were so much more fucking messed up. Tom scowled at the wall, where another scribbled B hearts T was.
Tom sprung up when the bell rung, school was out, and he was going to talk to Bill. Talk rationally, and calmly. He found his brother waiting to walk home with him at the same spot as always, his short hair bouncing as he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet.
“Tomi!” Bill called happily, and normally where Tom would secretly smile, he openly scowled. The edges of Bill’s mouth turned down. “What?’
“Nothing.” Tom said stiffly, and together they started to walk home.
“No, Tomi, something’s-“
“It’s Tom!” He roared, spinning around to glare at his brother, the school out of sight. No random kids running around. Probably no one within hearing distance. “And what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Bill turned to look at his brother closely; something was off, “I don’t know. Nothing different than any other day…”
Tom bit his lip, his brother looked a mixture of annoyed, concerned, and pissed. The silence stretched on, before Bill spoke dryly. “Please, enlighten me.”
Tom scowled, his brother was being way to calm about the whole thing. He hated it when Bill tried to think rationally, or calm and insane. “You know what!” The older brother accused, pointing a finger. Bill tried not to scowl at his brother’s finger, jutting out his hip and putting a hand on it.
“No, share.” Bill deadpanned.
“Hi, my name is Tom and I have a problem with kissing, sucking, and fucking my flesh and blood.” The brother’s glared at each other. “Your turn.”
“’Shut up Tomi.”
“Now why would I do that? You want people to know.” Bill said nothing and Tom could see him trying to hold back tears. Tom relished the response, pushing on. He was sick, he was tired, angry, and probably confused. He was probably going to hurt his brother, but at the moment, he didn’t care. “The carved initials on the desk, little notes left carelessly about, fucking drawings on the wall.” Tom laughed at his brother’s tortured expression, “Need I-“
Bill’s lips crashed against Tom’s. Whatever he was going to say next was swallowed, and all he could think of was Bill’s tongue finding its way into his mouth. Bill’s cool stud flicking over-Gasping, Tom pushed away, things clicking again in his head. Bill stumbled as Tom started to accuse him again, his smug expression disappearing, “You want us to get caught!” Tom was getting paranoid with each passing moment. What if someone had seen them? What then?
“What the fuck Tomi?”
“You think this is all some sort of game. You like the idea of getting caught, and the attention, and-“
“Shut the fuck up Tom!”
Tom shut up, his brother’s eyes flashing. Tom turned away, pushing his hands deep into his pockets, trying to look normal. “You’re insane.” Tom finally snarled, breaking the heavy silence as he turned to stare at his brother. “No, more than insane. I don’t know a word for it, but you’re more than-“ Tom stopped talking as Bill took a step forward. Tom took a bigger step back. He lost what he was going to say, too preoccupied with trying to tell himself he didn’t want his brother right then and there. Didn’t want to just suck him right there in the streets.
He gulped, and Bill cocked his head, “So?” It was small prompt from Bill.
“Kissing in the streets.” Tom said finally, barely above a whisper.
“You kissed me back. Besides, what’s wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong with that?” Tom repeated louder, “What’s wrong with fucking your brother? Are you mental, its-“
“Love.” Bill cut off sharply, leaving no room to argue. Tom said nothing, staring at his brother. “I don’t get to choose who I love. I didn’t ask to love you.” Bill’s eyes were bright, he believed what he was saying. He knew it was true. He was experiencing his words right now. You can’t experience what isn’t there, and this was definitely there. “It just happened. It isn’t wrong to love someone.”
“You want people to know.”
Bill didn’t grace that remark with a response. He had already tried to. Tom hadn’t listened. He turned his back on his brother, and started back to their house. Tom scowled, no way. He ran up to his brother, grabbing his arm and twisting Bill back around. “You’re trying to get us caught!” Tom accused, watching as Bill’s face flushed under the heavy coat of makeup. “You want the world to know.” He said softer.
“Tom, drop it.” Bill whispered back. He was tired.
“You know its illegal right? That if we’re caught we’re going to be separated, and mom’s going to cry, and-”
“I said fucking drop it Tom!”
“-And we’re never going to see each other again.” They stood in silence for a few minutes, a light drizzle starting up. Bill didn’t complain about his makeup or hair. Maybe it would be better if it washed off, so he could be facing his brother naked of any type of mask. “It isn’t like we’re hurting anyone.”
Tom looked away from his little brother’s wide pleading eyes. “Well, I didn’t make up the rules.”
“Well they’re stupid.” Bill stated flatly. “What the fuck do they think we’re going to do? Have a fucking baby!? How the hell do they expect that to fucking happen?! Huh?” He was getting hysterical, he couldn’t see why. He couldn’t see why he wasn’t allowed to fucking love! “Neither of us have a fucking vagina! And if by some fucked up gene, we do, it’s called a fucking abortion!” He shouted out the last part, shouted out his anger, and now he was done. For now.
“Bill…” Tom said softly.
“No you’re right, let’s just go home.” Bill said tiredly, running his hand through his damp hair. He was stupid, so fucking stupid, thinking his brother would understand. Thinking the world would understand.
“Are you trying to pretend you didn’t do anything?”
“What the fuck Tom?” The fire was back, the rain wasn’t cooling it off even as it started to come down harder.
“You-”
“Me? What about me? You’re the one insisting on having this conversation out in the open. Where anyone can hear us! You’re the one screaming about how sucking your brother’s dick is illegal. Before you start accusing me some more of this crap, take a look in a mirror, or some shit like that. Maybe look down and stare into a puddle.” Breathing heavily they stared at each other, both red in the face: Bill from shouting, Tom from embarrassment. Tom hated being called out. He hated it.
“Bill…” Tom tried softly.
Bill walked up to his brother, whose hands were still stuffed into his pockets. “We can tell.” Bill said softly, cupping his brother’s cheek. “We can tell the whole world.” He paused, his thumb gently wiping away a rain drop. He knew it wasn’t a tear. His brother never cried in front of him. “I want to tell them how wonderful you are, how gentle, and sweet, and amazing my brother is. How you love me, and how I love you, how we’ll never hurt each other. How no one can have anything closer than what we’ve got.” Tom could barely distinguish the tear tracks on Bill’s face from the glistening tracks of rain. “I want to tell them everything.”
Tom pulled his hands out of his pockets, and wrapped them around his lover. “I don’t want to lose you.” He whispered, pulling them close together. “I don’t want them to take you.” He muttered into the soaking hair.
“We can’t say anything if we’re going to stay together, right?” Bill asked quietly.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want them to take you Tomi.”
Tom’s arms tightened, his brother seemed too fragile. “They’re not going to take you.”
“We’re not going to tell.” Bill wrapped his arms around his brother. “I want to tell. I want to tell everyone so much.”
“You know we can’t.” Tom replied tightly. Bill drew back from the hug, his eyes bright again, an idea was shining in his eyes.
“But we can twist it right Tomi? Twist it so that it is normal.” Tom didn’t say anything. “Baby steps Tom, it’s baby steps.” Bill whispered, a shiver crawling up Tom’s spin, ever so slowly, going higher and higher with each word.” Twins that are always touching, hugging, whispering, hitting, laughing. So close. We’re twins. It wouldn’t be hard.”
“It’s still illegal.”
“We’ll make it so its not.” Bill said so confidently through the rain and tears. His makeup was smudged, running down his face.
Tom took his hands and gently wiped it away. “We will won’t we?
“Without saying anything.” Bill promised and Tom grinned. Actually no, he smirked. “And when we’re famous and amazing all our fans aren’t going to care a fucking bit. It’d be normal. They won’t give a shit if we’re fucking or not, because they’d have written stories about it, and not given a rat’s ass then.”
Tom kissed his brother’s shining forehead. “We just need to make a few rules before we get there. So that we can get there.”
“Like what?”
“Fucking in our super cool tour bus with Georg and Gustav, bad idea. That’s not going to happen.”
Bill smiled as Tom smirked. “We’ll be so popular, we’ll get our own bus. We won’t have to worry about that.”
The twins started to walk home in the rain, an arm slung around the baby brother’s shoulders. Baby steps Tom, baby steps.
~*~