When you embarrass me...
This is what happens.
I was the "new kid" in 8th grade, and I had a really terrible experience with some boy who grew up to be one of those doucheflap "bros". Pink polo w/popped collar, A&F "distressed" cargo shorts, frayed baseball cap, etc. When I arrived at the new school, I was dismayed to discover it was populated by jocks, redneck knuckle-draggers with pockets full of Skoal, Christian fundies, and perfect little future Stepford Wives. This was not my first stint as "new kid", and I immediately knew this was probably going to suck real bad. As you can imagine, I don't fit in with that bullshit. The little trout sniffer in question feigned interest in me for about three weeks. Pretending to like me and be shy around me. This "relationship" between douchecanoe and hopelessly awkward, pudgy 15-year-old Meaghan ended in one of those very special life lessons. I learned which people in my classes/grade were generally good human beings, and which ones needed to just skip the "life" thing and head straight for their personal Hell.
One day, out of absolutely nowhere, he asked me out on a date in 4th period. Being, well, a complete social retard at the time, I said "yes?". Not more than 5 minutes later the girl sitting next to me, who I didn't really believe gave a damn about me, was VERY ADAMANT that I "dump him". I didn't really understand what in the name of middle school drama was going on. I was beginning to get suspicious. Another unexpected "guardian angel" of my middle school life approached me as I entered the cafeteria at 6th period lunch. She informed me that Little Johnny Bitchturd had in fact been paid $2.50 to ask me out. I was...not surprised. Who'd want me anyway? I hardly knew this girl, but she had the decency to know when to prevent a train wreck.
Armed with this new information I approached him, pretending to be completely ignorant of his shenanigans. His brain is gooey and weak, so his method of delivering the punchline to this cruel joke wasn't very creative. He pretended not to know who I was and laughed at stupid Meaghan with all of his immature, hairless chihuahua friends. All of the soul-less Barbie clones sitting at the adjacent tables had a great giggle at my expense. Oh, but this isn't just any nerd he fucked with. I had a history of violent outbursts as a child, and this would me my last hurrah. I was determined to have the last laugh. Much to their dismay, I did not cry and run out of the cafeteria like a pathetic puss. I was an aggressive little bitch and I had a plan. I walked away with a wry grin. A grin that made him noticibly uncomfortable. Feeling uneasy at my expression was probably the only correct thing he did that day.
In general, stupid people don't know how to avoid tainting their "victory". Predictably, he sought me out in 7th period homeroom to taunt me just a little bit more, basking in his perceived awesomeness. For a moment, I pretended feel and act how he wanted and expected. I looked defeated, down-trodden, and submissive. I played the part well enough for him to adopt a passive posture. Then I opened my green eyes big and wide, like a sad puppy. I stated into his eyes as if I was about to cry. Right when the shit-eating grin on his face reached an apex, I drew back and punted him directly in his little pubescent scrotum. I was ever so thankful I wore boots that day. He went down like a ten point buck. While he was busy writhing on the ugly ass public school carpeting, I gave him one more pointy-toed sweeping kick right in the kidney. He made the most wonderous sound, like an injured donkey. If he did not piss blood for a week, I would be surprised. The teacher stood there and stifled a laugh, knowing he deserved every. single. pang of agony. You see, he has a bit of a history as well.
For the rest of the time we went to school together, he scampered away when he saw me coming. Until 10th grade, I shunned every single advance any male tried to make towards me. This was the last fit of physical rage during my school years, and it sure left an impression! Several impressions. One on his balls, another in his kidney, and a big one on the entire student body. While I lived in that town, no one ever tried to play intentionally cruel jokes on me EVER AGAIN. I DUN ONLY GOTTA TELL 'EM ONCE!
TL;DR Fuck Texas.
PEE ESS: I know this is NOT how genetics works AT ALL, but I always like to imagine that I kicked him SO HARD in the testicles that his future offspring would be all crooked-looking. Like potatoes with sparse hair and uneven eyes and little frog limbs. All with boot prints on their asses.
I was the "new kid" in 8th grade, and I had a really terrible experience with some boy who grew up to be one of those doucheflap "bros". Pink polo w/popped collar, A&F "distressed" cargo shorts, frayed baseball cap, etc. When I arrived at the new school, I was dismayed to discover it was populated by jocks, redneck knuckle-draggers with pockets full of Skoal, Christian fundies, and perfect little future Stepford Wives. This was not my first stint as "new kid", and I immediately knew this was probably going to suck real bad. As you can imagine, I don't fit in with that bullshit. The little trout sniffer in question feigned interest in me for about three weeks. Pretending to like me and be shy around me. This "relationship" between douchecanoe and hopelessly awkward, pudgy 15-year-old Meaghan ended in one of those very special life lessons. I learned which people in my classes/grade were generally good human beings, and which ones needed to just skip the "life" thing and head straight for their personal Hell.
One day, out of absolutely nowhere, he asked me out on a date in 4th period. Being, well, a complete social retard at the time, I said "yes?". Not more than 5 minutes later the girl sitting next to me, who I didn't really believe gave a damn about me, was VERY ADAMANT that I "dump him". I didn't really understand what in the name of middle school drama was going on. I was beginning to get suspicious. Another unexpected "guardian angel" of my middle school life approached me as I entered the cafeteria at 6th period lunch. She informed me that Little Johnny Bitchturd had in fact been paid $2.50 to ask me out. I was...not surprised. Who'd want me anyway? I hardly knew this girl, but she had the decency to know when to prevent a train wreck.
Armed with this new information I approached him, pretending to be completely ignorant of his shenanigans. His brain is gooey and weak, so his method of delivering the punchline to this cruel joke wasn't very creative. He pretended not to know who I was and laughed at stupid Meaghan with all of his immature, hairless chihuahua friends. All of the soul-less Barbie clones sitting at the adjacent tables had a great giggle at my expense. Oh, but this isn't just any nerd he fucked with. I had a history of violent outbursts as a child, and this would me my last hurrah. I was determined to have the last laugh. Much to their dismay, I did not cry and run out of the cafeteria like a pathetic puss. I was an aggressive little bitch and I had a plan. I walked away with a wry grin. A grin that made him noticibly uncomfortable. Feeling uneasy at my expression was probably the only correct thing he did that day.
In general, stupid people don't know how to avoid tainting their "victory". Predictably, he sought me out in 7th period homeroom to taunt me just a little bit more, basking in his perceived awesomeness. For a moment, I pretended feel and act how he wanted and expected. I looked defeated, down-trodden, and submissive. I played the part well enough for him to adopt a passive posture. Then I opened my green eyes big and wide, like a sad puppy. I stated into his eyes as if I was about to cry. Right when the shit-eating grin on his face reached an apex, I drew back and punted him directly in his little pubescent scrotum. I was ever so thankful I wore boots that day. He went down like a ten point buck. While he was busy writhing on the ugly ass public school carpeting, I gave him one more pointy-toed sweeping kick right in the kidney. He made the most wonderous sound, like an injured donkey. If he did not piss blood for a week, I would be surprised. The teacher stood there and stifled a laugh, knowing he deserved every. single. pang of agony. You see, he has a bit of a history as well.
For the rest of the time we went to school together, he scampered away when he saw me coming. Until 10th grade, I shunned every single advance any male tried to make towards me. This was the last fit of physical rage during my school years, and it sure left an impression! Several impressions. One on his balls, another in his kidney, and a big one on the entire student body. While I lived in that town, no one ever tried to play intentionally cruel jokes on me EVER AGAIN. I DUN ONLY GOTTA TELL 'EM ONCE!
TL;DR Fuck Texas.
PEE ESS: I know this is NOT how genetics works AT ALL, but I always like to imagine that I kicked him SO HARD in the testicles that his future offspring would be all crooked-looking. Like potatoes with sparse hair and uneven eyes and little frog limbs. All with boot prints on their asses.