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Player Information:
Player name:Linda
Personal Lj: superfluously
AIM and/or E-Mail: Pb2Ag (AIM)
Timezone: Central (of the world) Standard time. After August, EST, and after December, British folk standard time.
Character Information:
Full Name: Kingdom of Prussia
Series Taken From: Axis Powers: Hetalia
Power Retained: I would like him to retain his resilience. Being a nation means he’s endured a lot. MAYBE THAT TRANSLATES INTO SOMETHING FOR YOUR CRAZY DICE ROLLING MADNESS THAT I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
Background:
Alright, I’m going to begin with Ducal&Royal Prussia, as opposed to starting with the Teutonic Order of Knights to cut down on time. I’ll be addressing things in little, adorable sections to keep things clear.
The Rise of Prussia: So, in the late 1600s, Prussia consisted of three main areas: Brandenburg (area around Berlin), Prussia (which was in the east), and Cleves (which was in the west). The goal of the Hohenzollerns was to unify these three areas to have one landmass instead of three separate. So, thus begins the EPIC LAND GRAB TRADITION THAT IS BASICALLY PRUSSIA’S LIFE STORY FOREVER.
We start with Frederick-William the Great Elector (he was one of the peeps who got to elect the holy roman emperor) who ruled from 1640-1688. His first omnomnom land move was to aquire Pomerania in 1648 from the Swedes with the Treaty of Westphalia after the 30 Years War. Which was a total bitch and killed off more Germans than the plague. Ouch.
Well, you get The War of Spanish Succession in 1701, and because Prussia helped out the Holy Roman Empire, Prussia was allowed to become a kingdom, no longer a duchy. However, kings had to be called Pupcat IV, King in Prussia, rather than King of Prussia, since the Holy Roman Empire didn’t allow kings outside the Holy Roman Emperor in its borders. But because Ducal Prussia was outside the HRE, they let the Hohenzollerns add “King in Prussia” to their list of titles.
So, hey, Prussia’s pretty decently unified (not all the way, but moreso than before) and is now a kingdom. What does that mean?
It means, “Ohmygod, other nations can rape me now, holy pupcats on fire.” Not a good thing. To further this paranoia, Prussia had no natural borders (oceans, mountains, rivers, whatevs. NOTHING). So, the nation had to decide another form of deterrence to stop someone like Russia or Austria from landstealing or having another 30 Years War where ouchouchouch let’s not ravish my lands plx. And what would this form of deterrence be?
MILITARRYYYYY! WHOOOOOOO! KICK THOSE BITCHES ASSES SO TOTES HARD! YEAAAAH! Which you see with Fredrick-William I (the Cheap), the second king of Prussia (1713-1740). He was srsly the Cheap. Not even gonna lie. Because, basically, what he did was funnel ALL governmental money to build up the military while cutting expenses to everything else. For example, at one point during his rule, he had cut 75% of other expenditures WHILE using 90% of all governmental revenue on the army. Holy fux. That’s, like, totes insane, man. 4% of the entire male population of Prussia was in the army. He also had an elite guard called the Potsdammer of super huge, over 6 feet tall men for intimidation. Pretty damn kick ass.
Well, he wasn’t called “the Cheap” for nothing. F-W I’s main goal was to keep out of war. Why’s that? Well, if he had to go to war, then he would lose many of the troops and equipment he had spent so much money and time amassing. Which is BAD. So, the military was simply to act as a deterrent. Like nuclear weapons in today’s age. Something horrifying to look at, but neither side wants to deal with.
Unfortunately for him, AND FORTUNATELY FOR PRUSSIA, once he died, his son took to power. Frederick II. Frederick the Great. Old Fritz. He wasn't afraid of spending money. Fuck yes.
War of Austrian Succession (1740): As soon as Frederick II took the throne in 1740, he declared war on Austria on the basis that Maria Theresa of Austria was not a legitimate ruler. He made a land grab for Silesia, which doubled the landmass of Prussia. Silesia just so happened to be one of the richest landmasses of the Austrian Empire, so of course there was a war over it, in which many of the other European powers came to the side of Prussia. After three years, Prussia dropped out, keeping Silesia.
The Treaty of Aix la Chapelle settled the war in 1748, allowing Prussia to keep Silesia while all the other European powers were forced to return the land that they had gained. Take that, bitches. Hahahaaaaaa.
The Diplomatic Revolution (1756): Maria Theresa, still bitter after losing Silesia, begins a diplomatic revolution, stealing all of the allies Prussia held in the War of Austrian Succession. By the start of the Seven Years’ War, Prussia’s only major ally is England (who sucks and really didn’t want to be there in the first place).
The Seven Years’ War (1756): This war revealed to the world that Prussia kicked ass. Austria, France, Russia, Spain, and Sweden vs Prussia and England (England only joined to kick France’s ass. Most of England’s fighting occurred in America). The war began when Frederick II took the initiative and invaded Saxony, greatly increasing the numbers of his military. Basically, the only reason Prussia survived was because of Frederick II’s (later to be called Frederick the Great) brilliance in battle, and the fact that all of Prussia’s enemies never attacked at the same time. I LOVE YOU OLD FRITZ. YOU ARE AMAZINGGG.
Eventually, as Russia was about to march on Berlin, Russia’s Tsarina Elizabeth died, leaving the throne to her Prussophile son, Peter III. He immediately withdrew all troops and left the war, leading to what the Prussians called the Miracle of the House of Brandenburg (of course, the army and Catherine the Great killed him six months later, BUT HE SAVED PRUSSIA). After this, Prussia was able to completely crush Austria while the British finished of France in the colonies.
OR, IF YOU'RE A FAN OF PICTURES AND COLORS, HERE'S AN OUTLINE FROM MY NOTES.
So, basically, after all this goodness, the war ends in 1763. You get the Treaty of Hubertusburg which gives Prussia Silesia (LOLOLOL), but he has to give up Saxony. Russians get NOTHING. The French get debt (LOLOLOLOL, THNX GAIS). With the Treaty of Paris Brits rape around French colonies blahblah they suck no one cares. But, yeah, ouch, Prussia ended up losing 10% of his population, which comes to bite him in the ass with Napoleon later on.
Enlightened Absolutism: The method of Frederick the Great’s rule. He introduced a general civil code, abolished torture, and established the principle that the crown would not interfere in matters of justice. He also promoted an advanced secondary education that became emulated in various countries. HE WAS PRETTY MUCH AMAZING. Prussia <3<3<3s Old Fritz.
Napoleonic Wars (1803-1815): Ouch. Like, seriously. Battles of Jena and Auerstedt (1806) hurt like a bitch. France completely humiliated Prussia. Later, with the Treaty of Tilsit (1807) between France and Russia, Prussia lost more than half of his land. But, because of these awful defeats, Prussia began extreme reforms like liberation of peasants from serfdom, the emancipation of Jews and making full citizens of them, and the institution of self-administration in municipalities. The school system was rearranged, and in 1818 free trade was introduced. The process of army reform ended in 1813 with the introduction of compulsory military service.
Ouch.
Battle of Waterloo (1815): British and Prussian troops completely pwn’d Napoleon. Marshal Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher led the Prussians to victory. AHAHAHAA, REVENGE, BITCHES. FUCKYEAH.
Congress of Vienna (1815): Prussia regained his land and then some. Conservative ideas prevailed, leading to the formation of the The Holy Alliance (1815) between Prussia, Russia, and Austria. It didn’t last.
Conservatism vs. Liberals: After the conservatism of the Congress of Vienna, many students began protesting this. Forming groups, like the Burschenschaft, some students look extreme actions. The murder of conservative dramatist August von Kotzebue was done by Karl Sand (1819), a liberal student. He was executed the following year. He would later be used as a martyr by those who wanted a unified Germany. But yeah, liberals. Ew, gross. Prussia haet liberals.
The Concert of Europe: So the Holy Alliance lasted just long enough to crush revolutions in Spain, Naples, and the Decemberists in Russia. But, after the Greek Revolution, the Brits, French, and Russians were all like, "LOLOLOL FORGET THE WHOLE CONSERVATIVISM STUFF. HAVE FUN, AUSTRIA AND PRUSSIA. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLL." So eventually, Greece, Serbia, and Latin American peeps all got their independence. CONCERT OF EUROPE = CRUSHHHHEEEDDDDD. So much for that Holy Alliance.
Revolutions of 1830: Because Prussia had become such a conservative bastard, he was one of the few nations of Europe without a revolution in the 1830s. Belgium successfully revolted from Holland. Prussia was the only nation to try and hold to the Concert of Europe/Holy Alliance, but because France's government changes like the weather, and everyone else was all like "LOLOL FORGET THE HOLY ALLIANCE", Prussia backed off and allowed Belgium to obtain neutrality through the Convention of 1839 (which would play a biiiggggggg role in WWI).
Industrial Revolution (mid 1800s): Basically, "HAY GAIS. LET'S BUILD RAILROADS. ALL OUR PEEPS MOVIN' FROM THE COUNTRY TO THE CITIES. FUCKKYEAHHH PROGRESSS." Rise of the middle class and nationalism and all that stuff.
Socialists: FUTURE COMMIIIESSS GARRGHHHH. Marx and his BFF Engels show up, writing Communist Manifesto (1848) and later Das Kapital. The main socialist in Germany is a cute dude named Eduard Bernstein who was a member of the SDP, or the German Socialist Party. He was a lot more peaceful than psycho Marx.
1848 Revolutions: Unfortunately, Prussia wasn't spared this time. But it was mitigated by Fredrick William IV being totally BAMF. He allowed limited reformed, like a 3-tiered voting system and universal manhood suffrage (GROSS. EVERYONE VOTING. EWWWW).
The Frankfurt Parliament (1848): Basically, a bunch of liberals got together, Tennis Court Oath style, and wanted to write a constitution to unify Germany. It came down to a Grossdeutch, or a big, unified Germany with ALL German speakers (AKA with Austria), vs a Kleindeutsh, or a smaller state of a unified Germany (MINUS AUSTRIA) argument. The Kleindeutshs won, which means not only will the soon-to-be created state of Germany NOT include Austria, but that Prussia would be the nation to lead the unification. FUCKYEAH.
But, seeing as how all this was decided by a bunch of liberals, Fredrick William IV was all like, "Fuck no. I don't want your goddamned constitution. I'll unify Germany, but I'm not accepting the crown from you fags."
Oh, and during this time, Austria had, like, eight revolutions going on, so Prussia was loling pretty damn hard.
The Road to Unifying Germany:
Okay, to begin, we have to back up a bit. So, the Frankfurt Parliament decided to have a Kleindeutsh, or a Germany minus Austria, which meant that Prussia had to lead the unification. Now, before this, Prussia had been drawing all the other German states to him to gain power.
In 1834, the Zollverein was created. It was a free trade zone for all the German states EXCEPT AUSTRIA. So it was more profitable for these smaller states to <3 Prussia. FUCKYEAH.
In 1862, things started getting FOR REALS, YO. Otto von Bismarck was appointed as Chancellor. Bissy-poo is to German Unification as Friedrich the Great was to the Seven Years' War. Which means he was KINDA A BIG DEAL.
Well, the first thing he does is declare war on Denmark to begin the Danish War (1862). With this, Prussia's just like, "Hey, Austria, help out a bro?" And Austria's like, "If you'll give me some free land." So Prussia agrees.
Now, Austria fell right into Prussia's trap. You see, after the war, and the Danish were PWN'd, Prussia gave the land of Holstein to Austria.
Now was time for the next war. Bismarck issued the orders of, "Be the biggest douchebag possible to the Austrian troops in Holstein." Which they did. This pissed Austria off to the point of declaring war. JUST AS PLANNED.
Austro-Prussian War (1866): This bitch only lasted 7 weeks. Like, Prussia completely and utterly humiliated Austria. Not only did Prussia have superior weapons (Breech loading, "Needle Gun"), but Prussia was able to be the first nation in the world to properly utilize railroads as a means for supplying troops. The Battle of Sadowa (1866) was a JOKE. von Moltke, the Prussian commander completely DESTROYYYEEEDDDD the Austrians. Like, it was hilarious how bad they were schooled.
After this, the Treaty of Prague (1867) basically said that Austria would GTFO of German Unification. Because of this, Prussia was able to form the North German Confederation, which had all the German states except Bavaria, Wurttemberg, and Baden (BWB), because they're Catholic bitches and >('d at the Protestant North Germans.
*Not Bohemia. I circled it wrong; sowwies gais. Baden is near Wurttemberg.
So, Bismarck devised a plan to get BWB to join with Prussia.
Franco-Prussian War (1868): Fuckyeah.
The way to get BWB to join Prussia was to make them dependent on Prussia for protection against an enemy. What better enemy than the French? But the French had to be the ones to strike first, not Prussia. Prussia had to appear the victim. So, when Spain chose a Catholic Hohenzollern cousin to be their king after their last one died, France FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. The Prussian King and a French ambassador met, and contrary to Bismarck's plan, they worked out a peace agreement.
There was no way in hell Bismarck was going to let that fly. He had to provoke France into a war. So he took a telegram the king at sent him about his and the ambassador's meeting, edited it, and released it to all the papers in Berlin. The new telegraph, called The Telegraph of Elms lambasted the French, driving Napoleon III to declare war on Prussia. VICTOLY.
BWB quickly joined the North German Confederation, just as Bismarck had planned. All the states that would soon make up Germany were allied with each other, fighting the evil French. The entire French army and Napoleon III was captured at Sedan in 1870. Paris was besieged, soon to fall. It was only a matter of months before Germany would be unified, and the Prussian king to be declared the Kaiser, or Emperor of Germany.
Eventually, some cold, dreary morning, he gets a message from a general to meet up and discuss siege plans. The chosen location: some random house out in the middle of nowhere.
Sample Third-Person Post:
His heart beats frantically against his chest; his eyes burn with a crimson fury. It’s a battlefield, and Prussia merely slices through the opposing French troops with all the ease of William Wallace’s claymore cutting though watermelon on Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior. He’s at home, with a blood stained uniform and his troops at his side, and he can’t help but grin. Red is a beautiful color, the nation thinks all while sending a few Frenchmen gurgling to their Catholic God. Red is the color of history. And it’s true. War is what writes history, and if this war is successful (which it will be; Prussia never loses shut up, Napoleon doesn’t count), the German nation will herald the coming of a new era: the age of German Unification, the creation of his own Empire. And it will be glorious.
Hours pass, and Sedan’s almost won. Napoleon III is a fool-noble as hell, but a fool, nonetheless. Nobility no longer has its place on the battlefield; advanced weaponry and training are what win the day. And, unfortunately, for France, Prussia happens to be superior in both those categories. Haha, serves the bastard right. Consider it revenge for Jena, nearly sixty years ago.
However, it’s all a little disappointing; Prussia had hoped for more of a struggle from France. As the dust settles and a few scattered shots here and there silence those unlucky enough to be left on the battlefield, the nation finds his blood boil.
Hell, Bismarck had spent months setting up this war! The deception with the Ems telegraph took a helluva lot more effort than this damned battle! The least France could do was give the German a decent fight or two! This was just pathetic! There wasn’t even a goddamned Calvary charge!
Frustrated as he was, it’s understandable why, after the battle, Prussia’s first action was to hunt down the lazy bastard and punch him straight in Alsace-Lorraine.
Sample First-Person Post:
[ He will be yelling. Very, very, very, very loudly. Enjoy. ]
OY! You French bastard! Stop hiding! Either you declare Paris an open city and submit to me, or I beat the shit out of you and take it anyways!
Haha, it’s not like you have an army to defend it with, considering your precious Napoleon’s failure at Sedan. So, I suggest you stop wasting my time, SHOW YOURSELF, AND SURRENDER YOUR VITAL REGIONS TO ME.
I don’t have the patience for this shit... What the hell kind of battlefield is this supposed to be anyways?
Player Information:
Player name:Linda
Personal Lj: superfluously
AIM and/or E-Mail: Pb2Ag (AIM)
Timezone: Central (of the world) Standard time. After August, EST, and after December, British folk standard time.
Character Information:
Full Name: Kingdom of Prussia
Series Taken From: Axis Powers: Hetalia
Power Retained: I would like him to retain his resilience. Being a nation means he’s endured a lot. MAYBE THAT TRANSLATES INTO SOMETHING FOR YOUR CRAZY DICE ROLLING MADNESS THAT I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
Background:
Alright, I’m going to begin with Ducal&Royal Prussia, as opposed to starting with the Teutonic Order of Knights to cut down on time. I’ll be addressing things in little, adorable sections to keep things clear.
The Rise of Prussia: So, in the late 1600s, Prussia consisted of three main areas: Brandenburg (area around Berlin), Prussia (which was in the east), and Cleves (which was in the west). The goal of the Hohenzollerns was to unify these three areas to have one landmass instead of three separate. So, thus begins the EPIC LAND GRAB TRADITION THAT IS BASICALLY PRUSSIA’S LIFE STORY FOREVER.
We start with Frederick-William the Great Elector (he was one of the peeps who got to elect the holy roman emperor) who ruled from 1640-1688. His first omnomnom land move was to aquire Pomerania in 1648 from the Swedes with the Treaty of Westphalia after the 30 Years War. Which was a total bitch and killed off more Germans than the plague. Ouch.
Well, you get The War of Spanish Succession in 1701, and because Prussia helped out the Holy Roman Empire, Prussia was allowed to become a kingdom, no longer a duchy. However, kings had to be called Pupcat IV, King in Prussia, rather than King of Prussia, since the Holy Roman Empire didn’t allow kings outside the Holy Roman Emperor in its borders. But because Ducal Prussia was outside the HRE, they let the Hohenzollerns add “King in Prussia” to their list of titles.
So, hey, Prussia’s pretty decently unified (not all the way, but moreso than before) and is now a kingdom. What does that mean?
It means, “Ohmygod, other nations can rape me now, holy pupcats on fire.” Not a good thing. To further this paranoia, Prussia had no natural borders (oceans, mountains, rivers, whatevs. NOTHING). So, the nation had to decide another form of deterrence to stop someone like Russia or Austria from landstealing or having another 30 Years War where ouchouchouch let’s not ravish my lands plx. And what would this form of deterrence be?
MILITARRYYYYY! WHOOOOOOO! KICK THOSE BITCHES ASSES SO TOTES HARD! YEAAAAH! Which you see with Fredrick-William I (the Cheap), the second king of Prussia (1713-1740). He was srsly the Cheap. Not even gonna lie. Because, basically, what he did was funnel ALL governmental money to build up the military while cutting expenses to everything else. For example, at one point during his rule, he had cut 75% of other expenditures WHILE using 90% of all governmental revenue on the army. Holy fux. That’s, like, totes insane, man. 4% of the entire male population of Prussia was in the army. He also had an elite guard called the Potsdammer of super huge, over 6 feet tall men for intimidation. Pretty damn kick ass.
Well, he wasn’t called “the Cheap” for nothing. F-W I’s main goal was to keep out of war. Why’s that? Well, if he had to go to war, then he would lose many of the troops and equipment he had spent so much money and time amassing. Which is BAD. So, the military was simply to act as a deterrent. Like nuclear weapons in today’s age. Something horrifying to look at, but neither side wants to deal with.
Unfortunately for him, AND FORTUNATELY FOR PRUSSIA, once he died, his son took to power. Frederick II. Frederick the Great. Old Fritz. He wasn't afraid of spending money. Fuck yes.
War of Austrian Succession (1740): As soon as Frederick II took the throne in 1740, he declared war on Austria on the basis that Maria Theresa of Austria was not a legitimate ruler. He made a land grab for Silesia, which doubled the landmass of Prussia. Silesia just so happened to be one of the richest landmasses of the Austrian Empire, so of course there was a war over it, in which many of the other European powers came to the side of Prussia. After three years, Prussia dropped out, keeping Silesia.
The Treaty of Aix la Chapelle settled the war in 1748, allowing Prussia to keep Silesia while all the other European powers were forced to return the land that they had gained. Take that, bitches. Hahahaaaaaa.
The Diplomatic Revolution (1756): Maria Theresa, still bitter after losing Silesia, begins a diplomatic revolution, stealing all of the allies Prussia held in the War of Austrian Succession. By the start of the Seven Years’ War, Prussia’s only major ally is England (who sucks and really didn’t want to be there in the first place).
The Seven Years’ War (1756): This war revealed to the world that Prussia kicked ass. Austria, France, Russia, Spain, and Sweden vs Prussia and England (England only joined to kick France’s ass. Most of England’s fighting occurred in America). The war began when Frederick II took the initiative and invaded Saxony, greatly increasing the numbers of his military. Basically, the only reason Prussia survived was because of Frederick II’s (later to be called Frederick the Great) brilliance in battle, and the fact that all of Prussia’s enemies never attacked at the same time. I LOVE YOU OLD FRITZ. YOU ARE AMAZINGGG.
Eventually, as Russia was about to march on Berlin, Russia’s Tsarina Elizabeth died, leaving the throne to her Prussophile son, Peter III. He immediately withdrew all troops and left the war, leading to what the Prussians called the Miracle of the House of Brandenburg (of course, the army and Catherine the Great killed him six months later, BUT HE SAVED PRUSSIA). After this, Prussia was able to completely crush Austria while the British finished of France in the colonies.
OR, IF YOU'RE A FAN OF PICTURES AND COLORS, HERE'S AN OUTLINE FROM MY NOTES.
So, basically, after all this goodness, the war ends in 1763. You get the Treaty of Hubertusburg which gives Prussia Silesia (LOLOLOL), but he has to give up Saxony. Russians get NOTHING. The French get debt (LOLOLOLOL, THNX GAIS). With the Treaty of Paris Brits rape around French colonies blahblah they suck no one cares. But, yeah, ouch, Prussia ended up losing 10% of his population, which comes to bite him in the ass with Napoleon later on.
Enlightened Absolutism: The method of Frederick the Great’s rule. He introduced a general civil code, abolished torture, and established the principle that the crown would not interfere in matters of justice. He also promoted an advanced secondary education that became emulated in various countries. HE WAS PRETTY MUCH AMAZING. Prussia <3<3<3s Old Fritz.
Napoleonic Wars (1803-1815): Ouch. Like, seriously. Battles of Jena and Auerstedt (1806) hurt like a bitch. France completely humiliated Prussia. Later, with the Treaty of Tilsit (1807) between France and Russia, Prussia lost more than half of his land. But, because of these awful defeats, Prussia began extreme reforms like liberation of peasants from serfdom, the emancipation of Jews and making full citizens of them, and the institution of self-administration in municipalities. The school system was rearranged, and in 1818 free trade was introduced. The process of army reform ended in 1813 with the introduction of compulsory military service.
Ouch.
Battle of Waterloo (1815): British and Prussian troops completely pwn’d Napoleon. Marshal Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher led the Prussians to victory. AHAHAHAA, REVENGE, BITCHES. FUCKYEAH.
Congress of Vienna (1815): Prussia regained his land and then some. Conservative ideas prevailed, leading to the formation of the The Holy Alliance (1815) between Prussia, Russia, and Austria. It didn’t last.
Conservatism vs. Liberals: After the conservatism of the Congress of Vienna, many students began protesting this. Forming groups, like the Burschenschaft, some students look extreme actions. The murder of conservative dramatist August von Kotzebue was done by Karl Sand (1819), a liberal student. He was executed the following year. He would later be used as a martyr by those who wanted a unified Germany. But yeah, liberals. Ew, gross. Prussia haet liberals.
The Concert of Europe: So the Holy Alliance lasted just long enough to crush revolutions in Spain, Naples, and the Decemberists in Russia. But, after the Greek Revolution, the Brits, French, and Russians were all like, "LOLOLOL FORGET THE WHOLE CONSERVATIVISM STUFF. HAVE FUN, AUSTRIA AND PRUSSIA. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLL." So eventually, Greece, Serbia, and Latin American peeps all got their independence. CONCERT OF EUROPE = CRUSHHHHEEEDDDDD. So much for that Holy Alliance.
Revolutions of 1830: Because Prussia had become such a conservative bastard, he was one of the few nations of Europe without a revolution in the 1830s. Belgium successfully revolted from Holland. Prussia was the only nation to try and hold to the Concert of Europe/Holy Alliance, but because France's government changes like the weather, and everyone else was all like "LOLOL FORGET THE HOLY ALLIANCE", Prussia backed off and allowed Belgium to obtain neutrality through the Convention of 1839 (which would play a biiiggggggg role in WWI).
Industrial Revolution (mid 1800s): Basically, "HAY GAIS. LET'S BUILD RAILROADS. ALL OUR PEEPS MOVIN' FROM THE COUNTRY TO THE CITIES. FUCKKYEAHHH PROGRESSS." Rise of the middle class and nationalism and all that stuff.
Socialists: FUTURE COMMIIIESSS GARRGHHHH. Marx and his BFF Engels show up, writing Communist Manifesto (1848) and later Das Kapital. The main socialist in Germany is a cute dude named Eduard Bernstein who was a member of the SDP, or the German Socialist Party. He was a lot more peaceful than psycho Marx.
1848 Revolutions: Unfortunately, Prussia wasn't spared this time. But it was mitigated by Fredrick William IV being totally BAMF. He allowed limited reformed, like a 3-tiered voting system and universal manhood suffrage (GROSS. EVERYONE VOTING. EWWWW).
The Frankfurt Parliament (1848): Basically, a bunch of liberals got together, Tennis Court Oath style, and wanted to write a constitution to unify Germany. It came down to a Grossdeutch, or a big, unified Germany with ALL German speakers (AKA with Austria), vs a Kleindeutsh, or a smaller state of a unified Germany (MINUS AUSTRIA) argument. The Kleindeutshs won, which means not only will the soon-to-be created state of Germany NOT include Austria, but that Prussia would be the nation to lead the unification. FUCKYEAH.
But, seeing as how all this was decided by a bunch of liberals, Fredrick William IV was all like, "Fuck no. I don't want your goddamned constitution. I'll unify Germany, but I'm not accepting the crown from you fags."
Oh, and during this time, Austria had, like, eight revolutions going on, so Prussia was loling pretty damn hard.
The Road to Unifying Germany:
Okay, to begin, we have to back up a bit. So, the Frankfurt Parliament decided to have a Kleindeutsh, or a Germany minus Austria, which meant that Prussia had to lead the unification. Now, before this, Prussia had been drawing all the other German states to him to gain power.
In 1834, the Zollverein was created. It was a free trade zone for all the German states EXCEPT AUSTRIA. So it was more profitable for these smaller states to <3 Prussia. FUCKYEAH.
In 1862, things started getting FOR REALS, YO. Otto von Bismarck was appointed as Chancellor. Bissy-poo is to German Unification as Friedrich the Great was to the Seven Years' War. Which means he was KINDA A BIG DEAL.
Well, the first thing he does is declare war on Denmark to begin the Danish War (1862). With this, Prussia's just like, "Hey, Austria, help out a bro?" And Austria's like, "If you'll give me some free land." So Prussia agrees.
Now, Austria fell right into Prussia's trap. You see, after the war, and the Danish were PWN'd, Prussia gave the land of Holstein to Austria.
Now was time for the next war. Bismarck issued the orders of, "Be the biggest douchebag possible to the Austrian troops in Holstein." Which they did. This pissed Austria off to the point of declaring war. JUST AS PLANNED.
Austro-Prussian War (1866): This bitch only lasted 7 weeks. Like, Prussia completely and utterly humiliated Austria. Not only did Prussia have superior weapons (Breech loading, "Needle Gun"), but Prussia was able to be the first nation in the world to properly utilize railroads as a means for supplying troops. The Battle of Sadowa (1866) was a JOKE. von Moltke, the Prussian commander completely DESTROYYYEEEDDDD the Austrians. Like, it was hilarious how bad they were schooled.
After this, the Treaty of Prague (1867) basically said that Austria would GTFO of German Unification. Because of this, Prussia was able to form the North German Confederation, which had all the German states except Bavaria, Wurttemberg, and Baden (BWB), because they're Catholic bitches and >('d at the Protestant North Germans.
*Not Bohemia. I circled it wrong; sowwies gais. Baden is near Wurttemberg.
So, Bismarck devised a plan to get BWB to join with Prussia.
Franco-Prussian War (1868): Fuckyeah.
The way to get BWB to join Prussia was to make them dependent on Prussia for protection against an enemy. What better enemy than the French? But the French had to be the ones to strike first, not Prussia. Prussia had to appear the victim. So, when Spain chose a Catholic Hohenzollern cousin to be their king after their last one died, France FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. The Prussian King and a French ambassador met, and contrary to Bismarck's plan, they worked out a peace agreement.
There was no way in hell Bismarck was going to let that fly. He had to provoke France into a war. So he took a telegram the king at sent him about his and the ambassador's meeting, edited it, and released it to all the papers in Berlin. The new telegraph, called The Telegraph of Elms lambasted the French, driving Napoleon III to declare war on Prussia. VICTOLY.
BWB quickly joined the North German Confederation, just as Bismarck had planned. All the states that would soon make up Germany were allied with each other, fighting the evil French. The entire French army and Napoleon III was captured at Sedan in 1870. Paris was besieged, soon to fall. It was only a matter of months before Germany would be unified, and the Prussian king to be declared the Kaiser, or Emperor of Germany.
Eventually, some cold, dreary morning, he gets a message from a general to meet up and discuss siege plans. The chosen location: some random house out in the middle of nowhere.
Sample Third-Person Post:
His heart beats frantically against his chest; his eyes burn with a crimson fury. It’s a battlefield, and Prussia merely slices through the opposing French troops with all the ease of William Wallace’s claymore cutting though watermelon on Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior. He’s at home, with a blood stained uniform and his troops at his side, and he can’t help but grin. Red is a beautiful color, the nation thinks all while sending a few Frenchmen gurgling to their Catholic God. Red is the color of history. And it’s true. War is what writes history, and if this war is successful (which it will be; Prussia never loses shut up, Napoleon doesn’t count), the German nation will herald the coming of a new era: the age of German Unification, the creation of his own Empire. And it will be glorious.
Hours pass, and Sedan’s almost won. Napoleon III is a fool-noble as hell, but a fool, nonetheless. Nobility no longer has its place on the battlefield; advanced weaponry and training are what win the day. And, unfortunately, for France, Prussia happens to be superior in both those categories. Haha, serves the bastard right. Consider it revenge for Jena, nearly sixty years ago.
However, it’s all a little disappointing; Prussia had hoped for more of a struggle from France. As the dust settles and a few scattered shots here and there silence those unlucky enough to be left on the battlefield, the nation finds his blood boil.
Hell, Bismarck had spent months setting up this war! The deception with the Ems telegraph took a helluva lot more effort than this damned battle! The least France could do was give the German a decent fight or two! This was just pathetic! There wasn’t even a goddamned Calvary charge!
Frustrated as he was, it’s understandable why, after the battle, Prussia’s first action was to hunt down the lazy bastard and punch him straight in Alsace-Lorraine.
Sample First-Person Post:
[ He will be yelling. Very, very, very, very loudly. Enjoy. ]
OY! You French bastard! Stop hiding! Either you declare Paris an open city and submit to me, or I beat the shit out of you and take it anyways!
Haha, it’s not like you have an army to defend it with, considering your precious Napoleon’s failure at Sedan. So, I suggest you stop wasting my time, SHOW YOURSELF, AND SURRENDER YOUR VITAL REGIONS TO ME.
I don’t have the patience for this shit... What the hell kind of battlefield is this supposed to be anyways?