(no subject)
i said goodbye to him. we talked for awhile, and god help me i still love him i almost told him that i'd still be his friend bc of how upset he looked. but then someone kept calling. i asked him who it was and he told me it was his mom, but his mom never used to call that much. so finally i told him i didn't believe him. and he got defensive so i asked him to show me. he came up with stupid straw thin excuses. so finally i told him to just go to missed calls and flip up his phone, if it was his mom he would have no problem with it. but he kept refusing, so finally i said bye and got out of the car and walked away. he followed me to my car, and i asked him again to show me. he refused, and so i looked at him and said "why are you on my car? (he was leaning in the window)" andhe said "bye lauren, i'll always love you and i'll never stop..." and he kissed hisfingers and tried to put them to my lips. but i pulled away and said "dont fucking touch me"
he left to his car and i pulled out of hte parking lot like a bat out of hell and drove away as fast as i could. he called once ten min. later...i didn't know he called until later...but i suppose thats good..because if i knew he called the sad pathetic thing is, is that i would have picked up.
he hasn't called or contacted me in any way since then. i suppose he didn't love me after all.
also. ifound out he wasn't keeping his promise in any way this summer. he went out on dates, hooked up with some girls, and acts like a tool to try and look cool, and i know this bc he acted that way towards a fellow lifegaurd (female, offf course) who knew an awesome girl who works with megan at the bakery. andd i found out bc she told me.
i also found out that he told people we went farther than we did. we didn't even get to 3rd, that motherfucking asshole tells ppl i let him finger me. i almost did but it NEVER happened, and now i'm so angry i'm shaking.
i realized a lot of things about him in these last few days...a lot of things. i know he used to love me. something in him changed....my theory is that being with me helped him deal with his MASSIVE insecurity problem. having me there to love him and help him no matter what, made him feel accepted for once in his life (i know his past, and his ex gfs were never good to him...all of them cheated on him...he always had problems with his friends, and his parents are wonderful people but demanding, add that to being emo as it is), so he got cocky and slowly changed. i dont know if he still loved me after he changed...i'm not sure. but he did change. and then he had attention from other girls that he never had had before...and that made him feel wanted and accepted. so he went after it bc it filled that needy space where he wanted to be accepted by people. thats where the cheating fits in. i suppose my love wasn't enough...though that i'm not sure of either.
either way he wasn't ever EXACTLY who i thought he was. i knew he had insecurity problems...but they went deeper than i ever thought they did. i never thought he cared about what people thought of him...i thought he was happy with who he was. he couldn't have been to have done what he had. he lies about who he is...he paints a picture for people, to show them the person they most want to see, so they'll care about him. he lies about being religious, about promises, he lies about doing drugs, having sex, and drinking....as far as i always knew he was a virgin, never did drugs, and only got drunk once.
he's so warped it makes me fucking sick. i'm so angry. most so because i dont know whether or not he loved me after he changed...he always seemed so sincere and i knew EVERYTHING about him...knew him better than i did myself. but i can't even say he still cared because now i dont know whether or not he put on tears as an act, or whether they were a glimpse of the real peter. the peter i thought i knew, and the peter that was lost in his desperation for acceptance and attention. i care about him still. so so much. but right now the anger i feel eclipses that like the moon to the sun. the person he is NOW, regardless of whether or not he was that person before...is everything i ever hated about people. a liar. fake. desperate for attention. cruel and selfish. cocky.
it makes me even more angry that he tells people his own version of the truth, and because he has such charm people are fooled by what they think is sincerity, and believe him. i wish people could see him for what he was, at least then he might be able to see what a disgusting mess he's made of himself, and maybe he'll take that potential and turn himself back to the way he was....to the pete I knew.
.....today, other than finding out many horrible things, was absolutely fantastic. i went to nyc with vicki, megan, and taryn...and i'll update that all tomorrow...right now dont think i can write much more, i'm too dissapointed and upset.
he left to his car and i pulled out of hte parking lot like a bat out of hell and drove away as fast as i could. he called once ten min. later...i didn't know he called until later...but i suppose thats good..because if i knew he called the sad pathetic thing is, is that i would have picked up.
he hasn't called or contacted me in any way since then. i suppose he didn't love me after all.
also. ifound out he wasn't keeping his promise in any way this summer. he went out on dates, hooked up with some girls, and acts like a tool to try and look cool, and i know this bc he acted that way towards a fellow lifegaurd (female, offf course) who knew an awesome girl who works with megan at the bakery. andd i found out bc she told me.
i also found out that he told people we went farther than we did. we didn't even get to 3rd, that motherfucking asshole tells ppl i let him finger me. i almost did but it NEVER happened, and now i'm so angry i'm shaking.
i realized a lot of things about him in these last few days...a lot of things. i know he used to love me. something in him changed....my theory is that being with me helped him deal with his MASSIVE insecurity problem. having me there to love him and help him no matter what, made him feel accepted for once in his life (i know his past, and his ex gfs were never good to him...all of them cheated on him...he always had problems with his friends, and his parents are wonderful people but demanding, add that to being emo as it is), so he got cocky and slowly changed. i dont know if he still loved me after he changed...i'm not sure. but he did change. and then he had attention from other girls that he never had had before...and that made him feel wanted and accepted. so he went after it bc it filled that needy space where he wanted to be accepted by people. thats where the cheating fits in. i suppose my love wasn't enough...though that i'm not sure of either.
either way he wasn't ever EXACTLY who i thought he was. i knew he had insecurity problems...but they went deeper than i ever thought they did. i never thought he cared about what people thought of him...i thought he was happy with who he was. he couldn't have been to have done what he had. he lies about who he is...he paints a picture for people, to show them the person they most want to see, so they'll care about him. he lies about being religious, about promises, he lies about doing drugs, having sex, and drinking....as far as i always knew he was a virgin, never did drugs, and only got drunk once.
he's so warped it makes me fucking sick. i'm so angry. most so because i dont know whether or not he loved me after he changed...he always seemed so sincere and i knew EVERYTHING about him...knew him better than i did myself. but i can't even say he still cared because now i dont know whether or not he put on tears as an act, or whether they were a glimpse of the real peter. the peter i thought i knew, and the peter that was lost in his desperation for acceptance and attention. i care about him still. so so much. but right now the anger i feel eclipses that like the moon to the sun. the person he is NOW, regardless of whether or not he was that person before...is everything i ever hated about people. a liar. fake. desperate for attention. cruel and selfish. cocky.
it makes me even more angry that he tells people his own version of the truth, and because he has such charm people are fooled by what they think is sincerity, and believe him. i wish people could see him for what he was, at least then he might be able to see what a disgusting mess he's made of himself, and maybe he'll take that potential and turn himself back to the way he was....to the pete I knew.
.....today, other than finding out many horrible things, was absolutely fantastic. i went to nyc with vicki, megan, and taryn...and i'll update that all tomorrow...right now dont think i can write much more, i'm too dissapointed and upset.