WELCOME BACK - WELCOME BACK - WELL-COME-BACK!
I thought the title was cute until I thought how I am going to welcome myself back? Anyways, I want to start of by saying that i really miss u all and I wish I would've been more privlaged with time so that I could continue to read and reply to lj's & realease my own stresses. But to cut to where I left off in May, I was fired from my job in may and then a few days later found another one up in the Bronx. I was there up until recently that I quit. I started my fall semester and the work load is SERIOUS. I've never had so much reading in my life....to the point right now that i wrote this entire sentence with long nails and not knowing where the letters really are, since I have to write responses to all the readings I have at night (@ least a good 140 pgs)...wow, i havent types like that since hight skool...lol...ANYWAYS gettting back to my points...
-me and my boyfriend were having mad drama after I got fired and I really almost broke up with him and he did make progress.
- we discussed marriage....?????????
-then I quit my job because the owner was annoying the shit out of me, I'm collecting unemployment and school course load is really demanding...this is also my last year
- it was suppose to b my last semester but I didn't have money to pay for my summer session so they dropped my classes.
-my boyfriend got a good job doing movements out of state and he gets paid well. he's been talkin about saving money and moving out of state to put $$ down on a condo---BUT HE TALKS A GOOD GAME SO WE'LL SEE WHERE THIS GOES
-and to top shit off I owe like 3G's in credit card bills.
[SIDE NOTE] and I'm hungry right now
----HONESTLY I HAVE ALOT MORE DEEPER SHIT TO WRITE. I'M JUST TIRED BUT I'VE BEEN IN A CONTEMPLATIVE TRANSITIONAL STAGE THAT IS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU TRY TO HONESTLY EVALUATE YOURSELF, YOUR LIFE AND THE DIRECTION YOUR IN. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO LOOK AT MYSELF FROM THE INSIDE --OUT. THERE ARE TIMES WHERE I CATCH MY SELF FEELING REAL RESTLESS AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY...IT'S LIKE I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS NOT MOVING IN THE DIRECTION THAT I WANT IT TO MOVE....
IS IT ME RUSHING?
OR ARE THINGS WRONG?
DO I NEED TO MAKE SOME CHANGES?
OR WOULD HAVE LIFE BEEN DIFFERENT IN ANOTHER DIRECTION?
I SIT AND WONDER, EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT WHAT IS THIS FEELING THAT POSESSES ME. IT FEELS ALMOST LIKE A TORNADO BUILDING INSIDE. EVERY THING BEING BROUGHT TOGETHER INTO ONE WORLD ONE CYCLE...SMASHING AND COLLIDING AGAINST EACH OTHER....DREAM AGAINST DREAM FIGHT TO CONTINUE TO LIVE IN ME BUT WHICH ONE WILL LIVE....I LACK THE PATIENCE TO SEE THE OUTCOME BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE...I WANT TO EXPERIENCE AND I WANT IT TO BE MY WAY...BUT I CAN'T CUZ I'M BLINDED BY EVERY PATH....IT SEEMS LIKE U HAVE SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM BUT NONE LEAD YOU THE RIGHT WAY.
DAMN---I didn't want to write cuz I was tired but I just kept writing and I'll be honest with ya, I'm a have to go back 2 read it cuz i don't even know what I wrote. It did feel good thought to just continuosly write and realease your mind.
But one thing I do feel is that I'm stuck in a transitional stage and the emotions are hard to deal with. I feel like the sky I have all the hopes and dreams I want but just like the sky u never reallyget to reach it.
Well that's 4months in a ball......GET @ ME