Into the shadows....
Wow, over a year since I posted on here. Wots even more bizzare is in my last post I seemed cheery!!!!!!!
Life is somewhat pointless. Yes I do have a wonderful partner who means the world to me but life is still dark and empty. Surely no normal person can have these conflicting thought patterns.
Everything I do turns to shit. Life just passes by, only interrupted by the inevitable fuck up every so often. Depression is fucker. Just when you think you've got it beaten down, it staggers to its feet and kicks you in the balls. Time after time fight it but still comes back for another round. I'm sick of fighting, I'm down for the count.
So this current round I'm back on the meds, seen councellors, mental health nurses............ what was the end result? Well I perked up again of course. Wow I'm well again, problem solved. But of course it never will be will it? My brain just won't accept this.
At the moment I feel like I'm living a lie and living in a nightmare. There is no one to help, the shields are up and I'm on autopilot. I get up and struggle through my fake day, have fake conversations with fake emotions living a lonely fake life. When I crawl into bed at night I lie awake thinking about how the next day will exactly the same. Stuck with these feelings forever not, being able to express to anyone how things truely are, how I truly feel because in my mind I think I have failed everyone, disappointed everyone and that no one gives a fuck anyway. People are either too close or too far away.
I long for peace but it feels so far away nearly unreachable. Sure I can see one way, the dark way.............. but I've tried that before and failed. I despise my self for doing that even though I tried a second time. Never again though I thought. I stil do. I think.
So of course all I can do is drag my sorry ass back up again and continue blindly trading blows knowing it will never stop and either way I'm gonna lose everything.
I write this as a way of mapping out my thoughts. I hoped for a start, a middle and some sort of end for now. Though I think I took a wrong turn somewhere in the middle.
I think I'll stop here for now