0130
, originally uploaded by iamxsoxtrendy.
Its definitely been one of those days.
I've got to say, I'm in the biggest gray area of my life. I'm apprehensive to call it a depression, I don't think I've gotten to that status yet. I don't know what its yet, I can't put my finger on it because it is such a combination of everything just hitting me. It is the ghost of a fucked up relationship toward the end of the summer, its the fact that I'm no longer a child and have all this freedom at my disposal. It is the fact that I couldn't be the optimistic one for so long, and the fact that I'm so tense/ stressed. I'm questioning my worth of a person, and if I was wrong by thinking I am/was a good person. Its not the city, its not my school because its more than I could have asked for. I'm so lucky by having the chance to go here. I've met so many amazing people, and its hard to make new friends, but it is everywhere when you first go to college as a first year. I just feel so raw, so fucking vulnerable, and instead of finding the answers in myself like I should, I'm looking to other people for validation... I'm looking for the validation in all the wrong people. I do my work, and I do it well, I go out and I have fun. I've got all of these possibilities at my fingertips, but yet I sit here, with the biggest lump in my throat because I need a good cry so badly. I just need a certain type of friend to do what I do for others. I need someone to sit down and tell me that everything will be okay, and that it is just a phase, because no matter how much I tell myself this, I can't quite believe it.
-I've drank more in the last two weeks, that I have all summer.
-Tom Waits' “Waltzing Matilda” is the only song that seems to make sense.
-I was chosen to be a event photographer for the CMJ music festival. AKA. Nikon D200 with a new lens and new flashes.
-I might do “Fashion U” again, granted acceptance.
-There are so many good shows happening this fall, it is almost surreal.
-I lost someone who might have been a good friend, possibly two friends.
-My classes are somewhat challenging. I know I'll learn so much this year.
-Someone said the cruelest things to me, worse than the stuff my father has said. It isn't as though I care whether or not someone likes me, I just don't understand why someone would be so mean to me. I think that is my issue. I know I should leave him alone, I know I have to leave him alone. I don't want him back, I couldn't do that to myself again..I shouldn't have that kind of person in my life. I'm just desperately looking for a friend in him, and hating myself in the process. And I don't know how to say goodbye to someone who has that so much of me. I think I lost a large part of myself in the relationship.
-My body issues are coming back full forse.
-My grandmother is in the hospital.
-I like my roommates.
-I smoke far too much and got my monroe done.
-AND I SAW FUCKING FALL OUT BOY FOR FREE with Carly AT FUSE. Look for us at your tv screens this friday (september 15th?)
I don't know what I'm aiming for, maybe some type of relief. Some escape from my thoughts. All that I've got to think about its a series of 'why's plaguing my thoughts. I just want some peace, I want to find that something I've been looking for the last 18 or so years.
EDIT
SO just said my situation out loud to some of my roommates... I feel so much better. I think I'll be okay. In the span of two hours from posting, I met some lovely people, chain smoked, vented, and now know that... that if he (you ALL know who i'm talking about) doesn't "like me" its okay. I know I'll be fine. What happened today was a total and complete break from who I am. I know what kind of person I am, and he does too. So he can warp me as much as he wants in his head, one day it will hit him that I wasn't all bad. And I can justify all his actions in my head as long as I want, but one day (I think it was today) I'll know that no one can treat me like shit. But for now, I've really got to just distance myself from all of that, or I end up just... gray. Though I love the color, I hate the feeling.