0127 (delete text... maybe?)
A lot of unessary posing ahead
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There was a point yesterday while laying in bed listening to the breathing of someone else and watching The Hills Have Eyes, that I thought that the past four days could very well be some of the best of my life. That it was going to have to take a lot to bring me down from floating, and that it was about time that I felt good for a chance. That finally I was allowing myself to be happy, and by doing this, all these positive things were occurring.
Then 1:00 AM this morning hit.
So what have I been doing for the last couple of days, eh? Friday was simple. I woke up and for some reason it felt that everyone was asking to see me, which is always a good feeling. Ended up in Hewlett bonding with Haley, then in Hempstead to buy dresses and a nice pair of boots. Wound up outside a house, and had idol chit chat, came home. Left soon after, saw the WORSE MOVIE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE aka, I Know Who Killed Me with Michele and Carly. Drove around for hours after, and ended up sitting in front of a dunken dounuts surrounded by boys/mean with plugs… except for one. Saturday was exhausting I woke up at Michele’s and came home rather early, and made up for all the lost hours of sleep. Woke up, cleaned as usually, ended up following my mother to Bronx to visit family, and left with a pineapple cake that I kept on calling coconut. Managed to get out of the Bronx solo and went to Elmont. Crashed some random queens party, left soon after, went to a block party, left soon after. Visited Chris at work and listened to him rant. I drove to Hempstead to spend 12:00AM with the twin and ended up being the only sober person in the room. Came home and whispered something in my mother’s ear. Fell asleep, woke up and magically became 18! Now here is when it gets good, Sunday. Wake up to find out my father took my car. Get a ride to Michele’s from… Michele. Wait around, debating to see TV on the Radio. Decided to go with less the intended amount of people wanted. Now all day I’m a little upset because…well, I wanted everyone I cared about minus the family with me, and everyone had some reason (some legit) to not come. Anyways, get there wearing Holly’s undersized hoodie. The show continues. By the time that TVOTR gets on, everything is worth it. Get back on the island, go out to eat, get home soon after, but way to early. I guess I just floated around, talked on the phone, slept. Monday, I stayed in my Pjs and had a visitor who made me extremely happy to alive. Though I hate people who post about their days in length like, well like I just did, it is hard to describe how happy I was.
So what happened at 1:00AM?
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that I’ve lied to everyone I know in the journal, and it’s a horrible habit. I’m the type of liar that over exaggerates minor details. And to be honest, I can’t remember how often I do it. It is usually when I put myself on the spot in conversation. I ended up feeling bad about it soon after, but never too bad because I have never suffered the consequences. I’m a pretty sincere person (overall…) and a damn good friend. I never once question the notion of me being a good person, because I know I am. Anyways, one of those lies, which ended up being the first I’ve told in a while, (a slip, I was too busy being happy to stop myself from being stupid) and most likely the first lie I’ve told this person (I say most likely because I don’t trust my memory) came back to bite me. It was one of those “you put someone else down to make yourself feel better” lies. Now, I’ve never been caught in a lie, ever, so when this happened, I just kind of gave in, no games, no digging a hole for myself but I still (as I still should) feel horrible because I can’t help but feel (though I’ll never know) like something really bad happened as a result. And I’m sorry to everyone involved. I think I’m missing an essential part of my brain when I can see that everything I might do, even small, could affect someone in a big way. I have this odd version of being upset, unlike what I’ve been feeling because this is deserved. Whatever I get I warrant, but I just want to know if everything will be okay, or if I’ll be written off as a liar.