(no subject)
couple things on my mind as of late.
it's not glaring, not noticeable unless you're me, i guess...but i'm making huge changes. growing. as boring and unwanted as this sobriety shit is at times, it's doing me a world of good. i can see myself being a hell of a lot more responsible with it when i allow myself to indulge again, too. when i think about the people i've hurt, myself included, it's heartbreaking. i know i had the world in my hand once, to know i traded it for a bottle is depressing as all hell.
i'm not making a lot of progress spiritually. i'm trying, but i don't think the lessons i want to be learning are the kind you can actively reach through effort. subliminating my ego and a more patient understanding of the world and my life aren't easy things.
i sleep alone in my bed, and i'm almost always happy that there's nobody for me to worry about but myself. pulling someone into my life right now wouldn't be very fair...it's only bound to change further, and i have a lot of work to do on myself. i can't help but think it'd be nice to have someone there with me, once in a while, though. i've come to terms with caring for myself more, and i know i'm not dependent on having someone around...sometimes it scares me, actually. i can't help but wonder if wanting someone to share my time and life with is just a sign that i'm still not really ready for it. it's cold at night.
time is slowly healing the gaping wounds of my past. i'm doing what i can to let go of my undeserved anger at my childhood, and the rest of it is finally getting what it needs to heal, too. i don't think there will be many scars, and those should be relatively unnoticeable.
more and more i'm getting unreasonably angry that i'm expected to just accept that the 40 hour work week is how i'm going to live. i'm not much one for faith in a religious or spiritual sense, but i have to admit that i do believe in fate, and i can't accept that a normal life is what i'm slated for. not to feed the ego, but i'm bigger than that, and i'm the only thing standing in my way.
if i can figure out the money and the schedule, i'm thinking about joining a muay thai class. i'm trying to get a band together, soon. i'm doing well in school so far. work is mind numbing, but i'm getting by. also thinking about a second job. also thinking about some sort of weekly activity that all my friends can participate in, like the loser lunch of old. if most of my waking hours weren't spent on a fucking phone, i could accomplish a lot more. if it weren't for half of what i was making 6 months ago, i don't think i'd be so angry about it.
lastly, i think i feel alone. not in the "woe is me, nobody loves me" type of alone, it's not sad. i'm ok with it and all...but it feels like something has changed in all of my relationships with other people. everyone who used to chastise me for my drinking...where are they now? i've always known it. i'm starting to become more self-aware, too. i've always known that people think i'm weak because i just let shit slide so often, and because i do things for people and spend money on them like it was meaningless. to me, it really is meaningless - money is something to spend on your friends, deeds done for others increase your bonds, and arguing with angry people is pointless. i have, however, recently found my voice. when i'm offended, i don't mince words, i don't keep quiet. it's slow progress, but it's coming.