(no subject)
so i'm getting the texts again, and it turns out my composure is a fragile thing after all. could be that i feel better by the end of the night - then again, it could be that sobriety wasn't what was helping after all. well, no, sobriety has definitely helped matters, but it wasn't the singular answer to all my problems.
so, being who i am and what the situation is and how i relate and handle it every fucking time, i get to try one more time to explain how things work, explain that i need some understanding, and hope that old wounds are allowed to heal. the problem is that i don't need understanding - i just don't like being a jerk, and doing what's best for me makes me feel like a jerk.
and that's even more the crux of the issue - i feel bad for thngs that aren't entirely my fault. i take problems in my personal life and relationships, and even when i'm not (or at least not fully) at fault, i internalize them, beat myself up, and spend months rebuilding. well, i spent the last couple of years destroying myself pretty thoroughly, and i finally remembered the second part of the pattern, but to solve the problem i need to find out how to convince myself that not only can't i fix everything, but that that's ok.
i've been, more or less, a hermit for the past couple of months, and only today do i once again feel inundated with this city and all the bullshit that comes with it. none of the joy that the poison used to bring me exists anymore, and maybe the bitterness is what i need, or maybe it's just something an addict deals with. whatever the case, tonight and the remainder of this work week, at least, are probably going to be the strongest test of my resolve to stay sober yet.