Still

[leigh57]

Title: "Still"
Author: leigh57
Characters: Jack, Renee
Word count: Around 1200.
Summary: One possible version of Jack’s thoughts picking up at the end of 8x17.
Warnings: Language. Spoilers for everything through 8x17. Angst -- to say the least.
Disclaimer: They’re so not mine. If that’s not clear now, it never will be.
A/N: Under the cut.

Comments

Re: Thank you. ♥

[anonymous]

Alright. To be honest? Without your stories there might not even be a Jack and Renee in my head. I'm pretty sure I have a broken imagination - I don't even know how to daydream (which I suppose makes us polar opposites in that respect ;) ). If it weren't for your elaboration, there'd be pretty much nothing for me to refer to, no "happy place" for me to retreat to. (So I stole yours. ;) I hope you don't mind, but I've been squatting there for weeks and will probably continue to do so for a while. :) )

In fact, your "vision" of these two characters rings so true in my head that sometimes the lines blur and I find myself wondering whether a certain detail originated from the show or from your writing. (Normally I'd be embarrassed to share my thoughts about imaginary people, but something tells me you guys wouldn't judge... ;) ) For example, while dumping a bunch of half and half and Sugar In the Raw into my coffee I remembered, "Oh, that’s how Renee takes her coffee sometimes." When flipping through the radio stations and catching NPR I remember, "Oh, Jack listens to that." But if you'll remember, those two details were from your stories, not the show. I hope that goes to show how real your vision is for me (and I'll bet you money others agree). It's so faithfully woven into and around the canon that it's hard for me to tell the difference sometimes.

I suppose you can't control your muse any more than I can fabricate one out of thin air, but I find it even more tragic that the death of Renee on the show equates to the death of Renee in your vision. I almost feel like they're two dimensions of the same person, who just vanished in one universe and is vanishing in the other. It's just sad. As a girl with no imagination, you'd think I'd understand better than anyone how it is to just "not be inspired." But perhaps for that same reason, I'm even more angry at the fates of the universe for destroying yours, because that means one less imagination to brighten the world. :(

Alright, I'm starting to sound like a freakin' sap (or a warped Hallmark card), and I wanted to end on a positive note. So I'll be the inappropriate stranger who offers unsolicited advice. (Strangers are allowed to do crazy things like that…right??? :\ ) Anyway, here goes. One: quit telling yourself you’re not good enough for anything. That's crap. What would the Renee you so admire say? ::…struggles like a mother to force imagination…:: …I have the feeling she wouldn't lie. I feel like she would honestly admit that she's been there, done that, and she understands. But I also feel like she'd tell you it's not a path you want to go down. Some combination of genuineness and strength. (Although, granted, since using my imagination is like trying to make a penguin fly, I could be way off. ;) ) Two: let yourself take a little credit where credit is due. I think even Jack Bauer says "you're welcome" every once in a while. ;) Three (and I hope to God this one makes you feel better and not worse...): remember your own hopeful declaration, Jack and Renee are ludicrously sappily happy in a way they will never ever be on the show.... It may be bittersweet, but that simple line makes me happy. If it makes you any sadder, then I'm ridiculously sorry and I probably should've told you up-front that I'm usually pretty terrible at consoling people.

Well, my friend. If this is the last time we talk, then it's been great; and thank you again (broken record much? :) ) for everything. :) Best wishes in the future. :)

Re: Thank you. ♥

[leigh57]

See despite your high opinion of my writing, words threaten to fail me here. I'm going to do my best, but it still won't even start to cover how it feels to get a comment like this. First, it makes me so happy that MY happy place worked for you, too. I can't lie -- the Jack and Renee I write work themselves into my personal canon, too. It's not that I confuse the two (lol -- maybe?), but in a way it's all together in there. Kinda like parallel universes. I see Renee especially in a very specific way (which of course doesn't work for everybody), and so she takes on characteristics that stick with her in all of my stories, even when they probably didn't come from the show. But I'm so touched that you remember details of my fics like this, in the sense of Jack listening to NPR or what Renee puts in her coffee.

The muse thing is tricky. I hate to sound melodramatic about any of this, because it's so early in the game and I'm not even watching right now. It could happen that when I calm down, let all the dust settle, and catch up on episodes, I'll get inspired again. The very first fanfic I ever wrote was an attempt to resurrect a character they had killed off in a way I couldn't deal with. God it was a ridiculous fanfic, but clearly the impulse is there. It would have to feel real in my head for it to work, and right now all that feels real in my head is that they killed Renee and it's killing Jack. Not pretty.

The bottom line is thank you. When I write something and just stick it up on the internet, sure a few people comment. I love and appreciate every last comment I get, but many of them are from people I know, friends who are familiar with my work, etc. When somebody who doesn't know me at all takes THIS much time to tell me what my stories mean to them, that's just . . . wow. So thank you. I really hope I'm wrong about the muse departing with Renee, because I miss her so hard that in a way as you said, it's a double loss for me to have to miss writing her, too. We'll see! I'm hoping for the best. No matter what, the things you've said here mean so much to me.

Re: Thank you. ♥

[anonymous]

Good, I'm so so glad. After all, what are strangers for? ;)
Keep on keepin on. :) ::hug bye:: :) ♥