lets blame it on winter
there's a life i want to live and i'm not sure how to live it. and i just get so frustrated because a lot of the time i feel completely paralyzed. and i'm so terrified of becoming stuck but no one seems to understand when i try to tell them that, explain to them what that means. and there's no more waiting until i grow up because i am grown up and this is my life and i know it's not one at all. and i can't even bring myself to turn in a fucking job application and i don't know why. i know and i understand the consequence of every single thing i do or don't do and yet i just can't. and it's not apathy because i care. i care on a level and scale that i think most people aren't even able to. i care what happens to me and i care what happens to you and i care what happens to the world and i am so willing to do something to make me better and you better and the world better. that's what i want to do. i just don't know how. i don't mean that i don't know what to do, i'm not sure if i do but i'm sure i would figure something out eventually. i mean that i literally do not know how. like when you don't know how to tie your shoe or ride a bike or multiply fractions. either someone teaches you (and who do i have to teach me anything? learning by example would be suicide.) or you teach yourself. and, when you teach yourself, you tend to do a lot of fucking up before you actually learn and there's good chance you'll never even learn at all. but life's only so long and there's only so much room for fucking up and i'm afraid i've done too much of it already. i'm afraid there's not even a chance for me and, if there is, i'll never figure it out anyway. and i know if there is a chance and if i can figure it out somehow i better get things together soon because those things come with a sort of expiration date. but i... i don't know. i can't. i wish someone could understand so that...
so that they could help me.
that's what this all comes down to, i guess. i can't do it on my own. which is fucking pathetic. and proof of so much.
considering past and present circumstance, i am the last person in the world who should have a dependent personality. it's like having an anti-survival personality. for fuck's sake.
lately i've been wishing i had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing mattered
all would be clear then
but i guess i'll have to settle for a for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
and try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
cause that's all that you'll get
so you'll have to accept
you are here, then you're gone
but i believe that lovers should be tied together
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
left there to drown in their innocence
but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there's still no answer
all that was before i know must soon come after
that's the only way it can be
so i stand in the sun
and i breathe with my lungs
trying to spare me the weight of the truth
saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
you spend your whole life sweating in an endless fever
and laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost
but once you knew a girl and you named her "lover"
danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
autumn came, she disappeared, you can't remember
where she said she was going to
but you know that she's gone
cause she left you a song
that you don't want to sing
singing i believe that lovers should be chained together
thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
left there to burn
left there to burn in their arrogance
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
i've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
and ended up becoming something other
than what i had planned to be
i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and laid entwined together on a bed of clover
left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness
so that they could help me.
that's what this all comes down to, i guess. i can't do it on my own. which is fucking pathetic. and proof of so much.
considering past and present circumstance, i am the last person in the world who should have a dependent personality. it's like having an anti-survival personality. for fuck's sake.
lately i've been wishing i had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing mattered
all would be clear then
but i guess i'll have to settle for a for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
and try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
cause that's all that you'll get
so you'll have to accept
you are here, then you're gone
but i believe that lovers should be tied together
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
left there to drown in their innocence
but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there's still no answer
all that was before i know must soon come after
that's the only way it can be
so i stand in the sun
and i breathe with my lungs
trying to spare me the weight of the truth
saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
you spend your whole life sweating in an endless fever
and laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost
but once you knew a girl and you named her "lover"
danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
autumn came, she disappeared, you can't remember
where she said she was going to
but you know that she's gone
cause she left you a song
that you don't want to sing
singing i believe that lovers should be chained together
thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
left there to burn
left there to burn in their arrogance
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
i've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
and ended up becoming something other
than what i had planned to be
i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and laid entwined together on a bed of clover
left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness