So this train of thought has been running through my mind the entire day..
Um, hey.
So I've been thinking quite a lot today- or rather, quite a few days, but I've only decided to post about it right now. If you've accidentally clicked on this link, or don't have the intention of wanting to know more about what's been running through the mind of a typical teenager (in this case, me lmao), it's not too late to click on another link and just be well away from this. Of course, there may probably be none of you wanting to read this, and thus turning what I've written above as being obviously redundant, but I just wanted an outlet. If you're still reading this, then just a final headsup - I'm gonna sound really, really whiny right now, and the english is probably riddled with grammatical errors on account of me being so tired.
Not that anyone wants to know, but I've been on lj with the intentions of writing fanfics for myself, the boys and the public, as well as relieving stress and just getting my creative juices flowing for about six months right now. I've written a number of fanfics and posted them on here, though not as many as I would have liked to have written, nor are they very good, but all the same I've managed to grow some balls and post my crap up here with the rest of the beloved shawol community. I have to say, my experiences on this site have been overall really pleasant and amazing - I've made some friends here, become a loyal reader of talented writers and gained some readers myself, as well as gettimg many new experiences on writing/ other people's plots /etc. Joining lj is really a decision that I'll never regret, as well as writing.
But that's not what I really want to rant about- sorry, I really don't know how to start saying stuff. I have trouble putting my innermost thoughts down due to being a hell lot more self-conscious than I should be.
I probably shouldn't be saying this and contradicting myself, plus because I am seriously a newbie at writing fanfics down here compared to many of you, but sometimes I get so tired and demoralised at my own writing and the responses I receive. I really love writing, and get a huge kick about posting my own fics down here because, well, they are my works and not anyone elses, and every fic I have down here is my own plot. However, the thing that gets me really down is when I post my fics way earlier than everybody else, but I have to watch comments appearing on somebody's fic whilst reading through them during my free time, and getting not a single response on my own fics, even if I've waited an entire day for comments about my work. I am sounding like a huge jealous and whiny bitch with a stick shoved right up my ass right now, I know. But I really can't help it- I'm constantly thinking to myself throughout the entire day, is something wrong with the way I write? Am I not cut out for writing?
In the real world, I'm the average student with a loud personality and potty-mouth, and I play basketball for my school as an after-school activity. I have a fair amount of really good friends, and the usual slew of teenage problems. My best subject in school is English and Literature, and I pretty much suck at everything else. In the real world, I pride myself alot on my ability to write- I'm not good at anything else. I feel better about myself when I receive a good grade on my latest essay after a rotten morning of getting back my math test with a huge F scrawled all over it and having a torturous lesson of Physics which I understand absolutely nothing of what's being taught. What I write is obviously not anything that I'm satisfied with, but it does get me one of the top grades for my level (yes I know I sound like I'm bragging). However, I don't think too much of it after being introduced to the world of SHINee fics - all of you are so good down here, and I get increasingly demoralised and envious of the amount of talent and magnificient stories posted down here. Because I am good at next to nothing except having a slightly-better-than-average foundation for English in my country, I really try my best at attempting every piece of language work that I get from schools and stuff. And again, no matter how good a result I get from schools and competitions that the school has sent me in for, I don't think anything of it - there are so many people better than me outside of my school, and my country. This paragraph is probably just ramblings, because I'm currently skimming through it as I type this sentence. But in short, I just feel really incompetent the moment I get on lj and look at my fics and compare my responses to others out there. It doesn't matter how well I do in the in school or my country; outside of these places, there is a whole battalion of writers out there far superior than me.
Some of you might be wondering, so why are you still out here posting your fics if you're so demoralised? Why not get back to the real world (your country) and be contented there? I really wish I could find that sort of satisfaction for having produced a story/essay/whatever that the higher authorities (be it teachers or whatever competition judge) claim an excellent job, but I can't. My country is much more inclined to technological advancements, engineering and the sciences - things that require an excellent foundation of Maths and Sciences. My country doesn't really have artistic talent, be it writing, dance or singing. We rely on foreign talent for that, but even so, we don't get very far. (I'm not bashing my country or anything, I'm just stating facts, unfortunately :/) Since I know all this, I don't really find any satisfaction of being part of the better writers in my country, because all that I am when compared to the rest of the world (particularly western-speaking countries), I am nothing but small fry.
My friends and peers don't really give much of a damn about how "well" I can write and stuff like that, so I turn to LJ, and post my written fics on the quiet and try to find my way out here on my own. I don't have any friends who know about my SHINee fic-writing obsession, or my passion for writing, save for one amazing friend of mine whom I can trust with anything. I'm really self-conscious about the things I write, but once having discovered the world of fanfic writing and posting, I've decided five months ago to practise my writing out here with the five adorable boys as my main characters and have an outlet for my passion. I don't know how you guys feel about writing, but I really love it. It's like.. The way my friends and peers regard playing instruments, dancing, drawing and even having immense speed in solving the hardest math questions accurately as the love of their lives. Writing is the love of my life, but sadly in my country and my social network, I don't see many people my age who love writing the way I do. I could gain more readers and stuff by publicising my work around a little, but I don't want to because Asia is kind of a conservative continent, and I'm sure many of the Asian population out there see homosexuals as a bad thing. So I don't want to look for any kind of trouble and concentrate on writing.
If you've made it this far, please don't think too badly of me. I don't really want to know what I want now, and I'm still feeling really demoralised. I'm not whining for readers or anything; I'd just like to see improvement in my writing and having some people acknowledge it. This post doesn't even make sense, and sounds so whiny and shitty and so.. I don't know. Just. Shitty. I'm sorry if I wasted anyone's time reading this because it's totally un-understandable, by the way. I'm fifteen, and pretty much a messed up teen with high hopes on writing. I have a long way to go, and this post is just purely ranting. I'm not gonna stop writing or anything, I'm still gonna try harder. I just feel so tired all of a sudden and need to vent. More than anything, I'd like to receive love for my passion.
I really, really don't know what I'm saying at this point. Sorry if I wasted anyone's time or gave out the impression of being a huge brat myself. I love all my current readers and fellow LJ friends so much. <3
So I've been thinking quite a lot today- or rather, quite a few days, but I've only decided to post about it right now. If you've accidentally clicked on this link, or don't have the intention of wanting to know more about what's been running through the mind of a typical teenager (in this case, me lmao), it's not too late to click on another link and just be well away from this. Of course, there may probably be none of you wanting to read this, and thus turning what I've written above as being obviously redundant, but I just wanted an outlet. If you're still reading this, then just a final headsup - I'm gonna sound really, really whiny right now, and the english is probably riddled with grammatical errors on account of me being so tired.
Not that anyone wants to know, but I've been on lj with the intentions of writing fanfics for myself, the boys and the public, as well as relieving stress and just getting my creative juices flowing for about six months right now. I've written a number of fanfics and posted them on here, though not as many as I would have liked to have written, nor are they very good, but all the same I've managed to grow some balls and post my crap up here with the rest of the beloved shawol community. I have to say, my experiences on this site have been overall really pleasant and amazing - I've made some friends here, become a loyal reader of talented writers and gained some readers myself, as well as gettimg many new experiences on writing/ other people's plots /etc. Joining lj is really a decision that I'll never regret, as well as writing.
But that's not what I really want to rant about- sorry, I really don't know how to start saying stuff. I have trouble putting my innermost thoughts down due to being a hell lot more self-conscious than I should be.
I probably shouldn't be saying this and contradicting myself, plus because I am seriously a newbie at writing fanfics down here compared to many of you, but sometimes I get so tired and demoralised at my own writing and the responses I receive. I really love writing, and get a huge kick about posting my own fics down here because, well, they are my works and not anyone elses, and every fic I have down here is my own plot. However, the thing that gets me really down is when I post my fics way earlier than everybody else, but I have to watch comments appearing on somebody's fic whilst reading through them during my free time, and getting not a single response on my own fics, even if I've waited an entire day for comments about my work. I am sounding like a huge jealous and whiny bitch with a stick shoved right up my ass right now, I know. But I really can't help it- I'm constantly thinking to myself throughout the entire day, is something wrong with the way I write? Am I not cut out for writing?
In the real world, I'm the average student with a loud personality and potty-mouth, and I play basketball for my school as an after-school activity. I have a fair amount of really good friends, and the usual slew of teenage problems. My best subject in school is English and Literature, and I pretty much suck at everything else. In the real world, I pride myself alot on my ability to write- I'm not good at anything else. I feel better about myself when I receive a good grade on my latest essay after a rotten morning of getting back my math test with a huge F scrawled all over it and having a torturous lesson of Physics which I understand absolutely nothing of what's being taught. What I write is obviously not anything that I'm satisfied with, but it does get me one of the top grades for my level (yes I know I sound like I'm bragging). However, I don't think too much of it after being introduced to the world of SHINee fics - all of you are so good down here, and I get increasingly demoralised and envious of the amount of talent and magnificient stories posted down here. Because I am good at next to nothing except having a slightly-better-than-average foundation for English in my country, I really try my best at attempting every piece of language work that I get from schools and stuff. And again, no matter how good a result I get from schools and competitions that the school has sent me in for, I don't think anything of it - there are so many people better than me outside of my school, and my country. This paragraph is probably just ramblings, because I'm currently skimming through it as I type this sentence. But in short, I just feel really incompetent the moment I get on lj and look at my fics and compare my responses to others out there. It doesn't matter how well I do in the in school or my country; outside of these places, there is a whole battalion of writers out there far superior than me.
Some of you might be wondering, so why are you still out here posting your fics if you're so demoralised? Why not get back to the real world (your country) and be contented there? I really wish I could find that sort of satisfaction for having produced a story/essay/whatever that the higher authorities (be it teachers or whatever competition judge) claim an excellent job, but I can't. My country is much more inclined to technological advancements, engineering and the sciences - things that require an excellent foundation of Maths and Sciences. My country doesn't really have artistic talent, be it writing, dance or singing. We rely on foreign talent for that, but even so, we don't get very far. (I'm not bashing my country or anything, I'm just stating facts, unfortunately :/) Since I know all this, I don't really find any satisfaction of being part of the better writers in my country, because all that I am when compared to the rest of the world (particularly western-speaking countries), I am nothing but small fry.
My friends and peers don't really give much of a damn about how "well" I can write and stuff like that, so I turn to LJ, and post my written fics on the quiet and try to find my way out here on my own. I don't have any friends who know about my SHINee fic-writing obsession, or my passion for writing, save for one amazing friend of mine whom I can trust with anything. I'm really self-conscious about the things I write, but once having discovered the world of fanfic writing and posting, I've decided five months ago to practise my writing out here with the five adorable boys as my main characters and have an outlet for my passion. I don't know how you guys feel about writing, but I really love it. It's like.. The way my friends and peers regard playing instruments, dancing, drawing and even having immense speed in solving the hardest math questions accurately as the love of their lives. Writing is the love of my life, but sadly in my country and my social network, I don't see many people my age who love writing the way I do. I could gain more readers and stuff by publicising my work around a little, but I don't want to because Asia is kind of a conservative continent, and I'm sure many of the Asian population out there see homosexuals as a bad thing. So I don't want to look for any kind of trouble and concentrate on writing.
If you've made it this far, please don't think too badly of me. I don't really want to know what I want now, and I'm still feeling really demoralised. I'm not whining for readers or anything; I'd just like to see improvement in my writing and having some people acknowledge it. This post doesn't even make sense, and sounds so whiny and shitty and so.. I don't know. Just. Shitty. I'm sorry if I wasted anyone's time reading this because it's totally un-understandable, by the way. I'm fifteen, and pretty much a messed up teen with high hopes on writing. I have a long way to go, and this post is just purely ranting. I'm not gonna stop writing or anything, I'm still gonna try harder. I just feel so tired all of a sudden and need to vent. More than anything, I'd like to receive love for my passion.
I really, really don't know what I'm saying at this point. Sorry if I wasted anyone's time or gave out the impression of being a huge brat myself. I love all my current readers and fellow LJ friends so much. <3