A Teenage Vow
Title: A Teenage Vow
Author: 23a_j10
Pairing: Alex/Jack
Rating: R
POV: Third
Warnings: Suicide
Summary: Alex remembering a promise.
Disclaimer: I don't know/own All Time Low. Title and cut to Fall Out Boy.
It hits him one day. It hits him with the full force of a tonne weight dropped on to his pale lifestyle. He remembers the words, the conversation, the promise. He smiles with his cracking lips, cracking a smile, the cracks in his existence widen.
“Till death do us part” Alex quotes the vows of marriage to his raven haired boyfriend of three years, smiling adoringly into those deep chocolate eyes of compassion.
“Alex, I’d never let something as futile as death separate us” Jack shakes his head at his boyfriend’s naivety, how impractical death is. Jack swore to Alex, not even death would come between the two.
Now it’s the only way. Alex is sure. It’s been seven months and counting since Jack broke the singer, the writer, the hopeless romantic into tiny shards of hopelessness. The deep-honey eyed boy has tried it all. The stages have all been passed, the levels have all been played. Alex had been angry, Alex had been understanding, Alex had been depressed and Alex had been self-destructive. He’d been through the hurt, the betrayal, the loss, the grief. He’d been through the hate, the self hate, the loss of will, the lack of motivation. He’d tried to forgive, he’d tried to forget, he’d tired to move on, he’d tried to win back the heart of his first, and only true love.
But seven months on and Alex was no better for all the “trying” he’d been exerting himself to. He was fed up of trying, he was fed up of living without Jack, he was fed up of living. He was tired, flat out exhausted and now his memories had given him the key. They’d handed him the answer and he was so sure. So sure this was the only way.
If Alex couldn’t have Jack in life, Alex would have Jack in death. A promise is a promise, he convinces himself. He’s sure. He doesn’t need any convincing, any pep talk, anyone to hand him the water to swallow pills, anyone to hand him the bullets to fire the gun. No. Alex needs no one to finally fix him, Jack wouldn’t lie to him, no. He’s sure. So sure. Death is the only way they can be together.
Alex writes up the letter, the final departure and it’s exclusive. This train is one way, the plane is reserved for two boys only. Alex is so sure of that.
To Jack Barakat, my only sunshine.
I’m writing to tell you that I remembered. I don’t know how I ever forgot such a thing but forgive me because Jack, I remembered. We were sitting out on the roof of your house, under the sunrise of the early hours of our three year anniversary. I told you I loved you, “till death do us part” and you told me you’d never let something “as futile as death separate us”.
Since that day you left, since that day you took away my sunshine and left me in the dark, cold catacombs of emptiness, I’ve been broken. I’ve been trying, I’ve been living but darling, this isn’t the way. I know what you’re thinking as you’re reading this, its okay. I understand. I’ll wait for you on the other side, wherever that is, until you’re ready.
I know you won’t let me down, I know you’ll keep your promise.
I’ll be waiting for your light to spark my feeling again. I’ll be waiting for you to shine your sun rays into my cold hopeless soul. I need you, I need your warmth and your fire to ignite the Alex that you know. The one that you love.
Don’t wait too long, please. My skies are so dark these days. The rain never stops and my skin never dries. Everything is cloudy, the wind never settles in my restless heart and soul. Everything’s unbearable without you to guide the way, it hurts so fucking badly to be lost in the dark without the only one you’ve ever loved.
Until you find me,
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please come back to me, I know you’ll keep your promise
xxx
Alex signs off the note with three kisses and kisses it physically with his chapped lips. He leaves it on the top of their memory box, full of photos, concert tickets, letters, on top of their, his bed. He finds the unopened bottle of antidepressants and the opened bottle of vodka in the kitchen. He lays out the pills, one by one.
Pill. Drink. Swallow. Repeat.
Pill.
Drink.
Swallow.
Repeat.
The fearless mask of a drunk conceals the young man’s pain. The regret, the guilt the finality of it all. But Alex can’t wait, the thought of being with his only inspiration again is too much. The alcohol is too much. The pills are too much. Too dark is too warm to resist. Falling is flying and black is white. Final is final. Death is death.
And Alex, he’s so sure.
Darkness.
Author: 23a_j10
Pairing: Alex/Jack
Rating: R
POV: Third
Warnings: Suicide
Summary: Alex remembering a promise.
Disclaimer: I don't know/own All Time Low. Title and cut to Fall Out Boy.
It hits him one day. It hits him with the full force of a tonne weight dropped on to his pale lifestyle. He remembers the words, the conversation, the promise. He smiles with his cracking lips, cracking a smile, the cracks in his existence widen.
“Till death do us part” Alex quotes the vows of marriage to his raven haired boyfriend of three years, smiling adoringly into those deep chocolate eyes of compassion.
“Alex, I’d never let something as futile as death separate us” Jack shakes his head at his boyfriend’s naivety, how impractical death is. Jack swore to Alex, not even death would come between the two.
Now it’s the only way. Alex is sure. It’s been seven months and counting since Jack broke the singer, the writer, the hopeless romantic into tiny shards of hopelessness. The deep-honey eyed boy has tried it all. The stages have all been passed, the levels have all been played. Alex had been angry, Alex had been understanding, Alex had been depressed and Alex had been self-destructive. He’d been through the hurt, the betrayal, the loss, the grief. He’d been through the hate, the self hate, the loss of will, the lack of motivation. He’d tried to forgive, he’d tried to forget, he’d tired to move on, he’d tried to win back the heart of his first, and only true love.
But seven months on and Alex was no better for all the “trying” he’d been exerting himself to. He was fed up of trying, he was fed up of living without Jack, he was fed up of living. He was tired, flat out exhausted and now his memories had given him the key. They’d handed him the answer and he was so sure. So sure this was the only way.
If Alex couldn’t have Jack in life, Alex would have Jack in death. A promise is a promise, he convinces himself. He’s sure. He doesn’t need any convincing, any pep talk, anyone to hand him the water to swallow pills, anyone to hand him the bullets to fire the gun. No. Alex needs no one to finally fix him, Jack wouldn’t lie to him, no. He’s sure. So sure. Death is the only way they can be together.
Alex writes up the letter, the final departure and it’s exclusive. This train is one way, the plane is reserved for two boys only. Alex is so sure of that.
To Jack Barakat, my only sunshine.
I’m writing to tell you that I remembered. I don’t know how I ever forgot such a thing but forgive me because Jack, I remembered. We were sitting out on the roof of your house, under the sunrise of the early hours of our three year anniversary. I told you I loved you, “till death do us part” and you told me you’d never let something “as futile as death separate us”.
Since that day you left, since that day you took away my sunshine and left me in the dark, cold catacombs of emptiness, I’ve been broken. I’ve been trying, I’ve been living but darling, this isn’t the way. I know what you’re thinking as you’re reading this, its okay. I understand. I’ll wait for you on the other side, wherever that is, until you’re ready.
I know you won’t let me down, I know you’ll keep your promise.
I’ll be waiting for your light to spark my feeling again. I’ll be waiting for you to shine your sun rays into my cold hopeless soul. I need you, I need your warmth and your fire to ignite the Alex that you know. The one that you love.
Don’t wait too long, please. My skies are so dark these days. The rain never stops and my skin never dries. Everything is cloudy, the wind never settles in my restless heart and soul. Everything’s unbearable without you to guide the way, it hurts so fucking badly to be lost in the dark without the only one you’ve ever loved.
Until you find me,
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please come back to me, I know you’ll keep your promise
xxx
Alex signs off the note with three kisses and kisses it physically with his chapped lips. He leaves it on the top of their memory box, full of photos, concert tickets, letters, on top of their, his bed. He finds the unopened bottle of antidepressants and the opened bottle of vodka in the kitchen. He lays out the pills, one by one.
Pill. Drink. Swallow. Repeat.
Pill.
Drink.
Swallow.
Repeat.
The fearless mask of a drunk conceals the young man’s pain. The regret, the guilt the finality of it all. But Alex can’t wait, the thought of being with his only inspiration again is too much. The alcohol is too much. The pills are too much. Too dark is too warm to resist. Falling is flying and black is white. Final is final. Death is death.
And Alex, he’s so sure.
Darkness.