(no subject)
upon the uniion of Alex and Ana, i further realized that a ton of people are pairing up and going out. While for most single people, this presents a problem of desire: i so want a girlfriend, i wish i could easily have one...i start to once again see i have another kind of problem:
i can't even get that far. I can't wish i had a girlfriend. i can only wish i could have the privilege of having so. the restrictions put upon me suck. as i see david and julie, alex and ana, hanna and freddy, and adam and mary pair off, my jealousy for such an unappreciated privelege had by most american born teenagers thickens.
not that i'm that sad about it. I tend to have fun with dance dates, and am VERY VERY thankful that the thought's out of my head so i can focus on what needs to be the priority. But maybe, if my life were lived differently, what is the priority right now wouldn't be so. What if, in an alternate existence, dithu was allowed to date...would he have a girlfriend? woulld he care so much about doing well in other things? hmm...
so i guess i do want a girlfriend. Or the privelege to have one. Because then i could see my life differently. Maybe it would be easier. maybe it would be harder, but it would be different.
enjoy your relationships all, i know i enjoy my copious emotional/physical attractions to all types of girls in school and out of school, but mostly in school. I can consider this my substitution for a relationship. The desire to have one can be my relationship. I'm in a relationship with wanting to be in a relationship. I think i've past a point of coherence and am just writing now.
furthermore, this struggle did help me write a college essay. which i will fo sho be submitting today (the 29th)...so it can't be all that bad.
i also realised that i so badly desire being in contact with people...sort of through the messium of the internet. When our internet was out for like an hour today, krithika and i were freaking out. i mean clawing the wall, yelling incessantly, everything. I guess i needed to see if anuj and samah wrote back to my messages today on facebook, or to check clare's lj post to see what sarah grace said...but i really really found myself missing my connection to the outside world. now, my job, suince hopefully after thee next weekend i'll be able to socialize on weekend nights, is to reestablish myself in a group. or groups. i'm really excited for the next time i spend a weekend night actually planning on hanging out. like 'chilling' at someone's house. i haven't done so in a really, REALLY, RRRREEEEAAAALLLYYY long time. Whether it be with the jarcks, or with tw1b, or with the good lunch, or with michael the wise, or with fishman the friendly, or with brother and good friend matt, or hey, with a plethora of others...it'll be something totally worth looking forward to.
in other news, i think i've set myself up for failure, because just because this one weekend was easy schoolwise, i've kind of assumed that the rest of teh school year will be this way. Maybe it could be...i don't know...but i highly doubt it, in which case the previous paragraph pretty much renders meaningless.
i can't even get that far. I can't wish i had a girlfriend. i can only wish i could have the privilege of having so. the restrictions put upon me suck. as i see david and julie, alex and ana, hanna and freddy, and adam and mary pair off, my jealousy for such an unappreciated privelege had by most american born teenagers thickens.
not that i'm that sad about it. I tend to have fun with dance dates, and am VERY VERY thankful that the thought's out of my head so i can focus on what needs to be the priority. But maybe, if my life were lived differently, what is the priority right now wouldn't be so. What if, in an alternate existence, dithu was allowed to date...would he have a girlfriend? woulld he care so much about doing well in other things? hmm...
so i guess i do want a girlfriend. Or the privelege to have one. Because then i could see my life differently. Maybe it would be easier. maybe it would be harder, but it would be different.
enjoy your relationships all, i know i enjoy my copious emotional/physical attractions to all types of girls in school and out of school, but mostly in school. I can consider this my substitution for a relationship. The desire to have one can be my relationship. I'm in a relationship with wanting to be in a relationship. I think i've past a point of coherence and am just writing now.
furthermore, this struggle did help me write a college essay. which i will fo sho be submitting today (the 29th)...so it can't be all that bad.
i also realised that i so badly desire being in contact with people...sort of through the messium of the internet. When our internet was out for like an hour today, krithika and i were freaking out. i mean clawing the wall, yelling incessantly, everything. I guess i needed to see if anuj and samah wrote back to my messages today on facebook, or to check clare's lj post to see what sarah grace said...but i really really found myself missing my connection to the outside world. now, my job, suince hopefully after thee next weekend i'll be able to socialize on weekend nights, is to reestablish myself in a group. or groups. i'm really excited for the next time i spend a weekend night actually planning on hanging out. like 'chilling' at someone's house. i haven't done so in a really, REALLY, RRRREEEEAAAALLLYYY long time. Whether it be with the jarcks, or with tw1b, or with the good lunch, or with michael the wise, or with fishman the friendly, or with brother and good friend matt, or hey, with a plethora of others...it'll be something totally worth looking forward to.
in other news, i think i've set myself up for failure, because just because this one weekend was easy schoolwise, i've kind of assumed that the rest of teh school year will be this way. Maybe it could be...i don't know...but i highly doubt it, in which case the previous paragraph pretty much renders meaningless.