F-ing Family
I had one of those 'accidents' that's not really an accident on Tues. and Weds this week. My dad is my alltime biggest trigger and that man just loves to start shit.
The house is always spotless...to the point where it looks like one of those model homes that no one lives in. Then there's my room. It's always been messy since I was a little girl. It's just my creative mess. I can put things where they belong but it only lasts like a few hours if I'm lucky. Anyway he had a shit-fit cuz there were papers on my floor. He claims that the papers cause dirt and he just put new carpet in. Well that sparked a HUGE argument about where landlords are and are NOT allowed to but in. UGH! Then we go back to the whole "my house my rules" bs. Yup I ended up excusing myself to the bathroom and cut.
The next day I was mad at myself for what I did. Naturally here he comes again to re-hash the whole damn argument. All I had to say was "yah I heard you yesterday, why do we have to go over this again?" He just kept it up. I told him that I was looking to move in with a roommate and that I couldn't stand being there anymore. Naturally he has to keep saying that he's not kicking me out and that he doesn't want me to leave blah blah blah. Of course he doesn't, he wouldn't have anyone to piss on if I left. I ended up cutting 5 mins later.
Later that night, my youngest son bumps his mouth on the glass table while playing with my other son, and cuts his upper lip. My aunt has a fit cuz the baby's crying and she wants to know why. Well then she accuses me of never paying attention to him and what he's doing because i'm "always on that damn computer". Basically that i'm neglecting my kids, and they're heathens and they run amuck all over the house, and it's why my near 2 yr old doesn't talk, and that I don't discipline him, and my kids are introverts just like I am, and it's all because of my damn computer blah blah blah. I in so many nice words, told her to fuck off and went to my room and cut for the second time that day.
So yesterday, she calls me into her room so we could 'talk'. I told her I had nothing to say to her and that I didn't want to hear anything she had to say. Well she starts talking about how she doesn't want me to cut cuz of what she wanted to say to me. She'd like to think she has that much influence over my emotions that I'll cut just cuz she looks at me or something. What-fucking-ever!!! I cut out of anger and frustration, not cuz someone looks at me cockeyed.
I could give them my books on SI, bpd, and bp, and they'd still look at me like they don't get it. They don't want to get it. They don't care why I do the things I do. They just like to give me shit whenever they feel like it.
Sorry this is so long, I guess I just needed to vent...and start over from zero.
The house is always spotless...to the point where it looks like one of those model homes that no one lives in. Then there's my room. It's always been messy since I was a little girl. It's just my creative mess. I can put things where they belong but it only lasts like a few hours if I'm lucky. Anyway he had a shit-fit cuz there were papers on my floor. He claims that the papers cause dirt and he just put new carpet in. Well that sparked a HUGE argument about where landlords are and are NOT allowed to but in. UGH! Then we go back to the whole "my house my rules" bs. Yup I ended up excusing myself to the bathroom and cut.
The next day I was mad at myself for what I did. Naturally here he comes again to re-hash the whole damn argument. All I had to say was "yah I heard you yesterday, why do we have to go over this again?" He just kept it up. I told him that I was looking to move in with a roommate and that I couldn't stand being there anymore. Naturally he has to keep saying that he's not kicking me out and that he doesn't want me to leave blah blah blah. Of course he doesn't, he wouldn't have anyone to piss on if I left. I ended up cutting 5 mins later.
Later that night, my youngest son bumps his mouth on the glass table while playing with my other son, and cuts his upper lip. My aunt has a fit cuz the baby's crying and she wants to know why. Well then she accuses me of never paying attention to him and what he's doing because i'm "always on that damn computer". Basically that i'm neglecting my kids, and they're heathens and they run amuck all over the house, and it's why my near 2 yr old doesn't talk, and that I don't discipline him, and my kids are introverts just like I am, and it's all because of my damn computer blah blah blah. I in so many nice words, told her to fuck off and went to my room and cut for the second time that day.
So yesterday, she calls me into her room so we could 'talk'. I told her I had nothing to say to her and that I didn't want to hear anything she had to say. Well she starts talking about how she doesn't want me to cut cuz of what she wanted to say to me. She'd like to think she has that much influence over my emotions that I'll cut just cuz she looks at me or something. What-fucking-ever!!! I cut out of anger and frustration, not cuz someone looks at me cockeyed.
I could give them my books on SI, bpd, and bp, and they'd still look at me like they don't get it. They don't want to get it. They don't care why I do the things I do. They just like to give me shit whenever they feel like it.
Sorry this is so long, I guess I just needed to vent...and start over from zero.