Frickin A
figures. I've been sitting on a post I hand wrote awhile back and wanted to post, and I just havent had the motivation. then something a bit stinging happened and I felt just crappy enough I wanted to post. then I realised it took me feeling crappy for like 10 seconds to post, while I had been sitting on this good post for days. what does that say? without further delay, here's the good stuff first:
what shall I do? where shall I go from here? my hope has been restored, and my vision clarified. I got some important stuff clarified and got to finally be clear and honest with one of my best friends. can I say that is a huge relief. First, that I hate ever holding back from my friend. I value that friendship alot as it is. Second, I was scared to deeath the conversation would go badly. I was scared I would distance or even loose my friend. Thank God I did not. I care about that one deeply and would neither be ok with hurting them or with their loss. Perhaps then it should be said that I know of no way in which this could have gone better, and that makes me happy. I have peace about this. it is uneasy, not in that it is not valuble, or real, but that some small part resents that peace. that is ok though.... that part is thankfully, slowly dying. God Bless.
so that's what I put down in HoC. it stands. but that's not what I'm posting about tonight. I feel a bit stung. understand that this is petty. I don't mean to say I should feel this way or that anyone else did anything wrong, but it stings anyway, so I wanna get it out. I was forgotten tonight. someone said they'd let me know if they were gonna hang out tonight. I left my location on IM, and took my phone with me, and went somewhere I am known to regularly be. I got forgot. I found out some of my close friends were hanging out for like 7 hours. I really even went to where I was to kill time before getting called. I even called my friend to find them (repeatedly) hoping they were around. I know I was simply forgotten. it isn't like they intentionally left me out. but I really wanted some friend time tonight and ended up killing time with ppl not very close to me. so I feel hurt to be forgotten. almost worse than being left behind, because I wasent even significant enough to be seen. maybie I havent said it before, but I hate that. I hate having to listen in for plans, and having to ask. I want to be invited because that means I'm wanted, not just butting in. I hate it when ppl ask a question and fein interest then turn their attention in mid sentence. I suppose I almost hate being insignificant more than I hate being disliked. it hurts, it feels like I wasent even worth someone's time. especially when it's my friends who are close to me. I just really wanted friend time tonight. I'm feelin lonly... I could even tell from how I was dooing while I was out. I'm running out of things to say, and this is not making it better to get it out, so I'll be done with this for now.
I can hope for good friend time tomorrow perhaps. sundays tend to be too buisy for it. I'll hope anyway, cause I could use it. I'm tired of being negative, so I'm gonna call it a night and hope I can cheer myself up before bed. God bless all y'all!
J
what shall I do? where shall I go from here? my hope has been restored, and my vision clarified. I got some important stuff clarified and got to finally be clear and honest with one of my best friends. can I say that is a huge relief. First, that I hate ever holding back from my friend. I value that friendship alot as it is. Second, I was scared to deeath the conversation would go badly. I was scared I would distance or even loose my friend. Thank God I did not. I care about that one deeply and would neither be ok with hurting them or with their loss. Perhaps then it should be said that I know of no way in which this could have gone better, and that makes me happy. I have peace about this. it is uneasy, not in that it is not valuble, or real, but that some small part resents that peace. that is ok though.... that part is thankfully, slowly dying. God Bless.
so that's what I put down in HoC. it stands. but that's not what I'm posting about tonight. I feel a bit stung. understand that this is petty. I don't mean to say I should feel this way or that anyone else did anything wrong, but it stings anyway, so I wanna get it out. I was forgotten tonight. someone said they'd let me know if they were gonna hang out tonight. I left my location on IM, and took my phone with me, and went somewhere I am known to regularly be. I got forgot. I found out some of my close friends were hanging out for like 7 hours. I really even went to where I was to kill time before getting called. I even called my friend to find them (repeatedly) hoping they were around. I know I was simply forgotten. it isn't like they intentionally left me out. but I really wanted some friend time tonight and ended up killing time with ppl not very close to me. so I feel hurt to be forgotten. almost worse than being left behind, because I wasent even significant enough to be seen. maybie I havent said it before, but I hate that. I hate having to listen in for plans, and having to ask. I want to be invited because that means I'm wanted, not just butting in. I hate it when ppl ask a question and fein interest then turn their attention in mid sentence. I suppose I almost hate being insignificant more than I hate being disliked. it hurts, it feels like I wasent even worth someone's time. especially when it's my friends who are close to me. I just really wanted friend time tonight. I'm feelin lonly... I could even tell from how I was dooing while I was out. I'm running out of things to say, and this is not making it better to get it out, so I'll be done with this for now.
I can hope for good friend time tomorrow perhaps. sundays tend to be too buisy for it. I'll hope anyway, cause I could use it. I'm tired of being negative, so I'm gonna call it a night and hope I can cheer myself up before bed. God bless all y'all!
J