High School
Last night I was thinking I wish I could go back to high school. I'll just piece together one of those home-made time machines, with the alarm clock to tell which year you'd like to travel to and then I'll transport myself to the month before high school, and do it all over again. All four years.
There are so many things I wish I could do over. For one I could have taken harder classes and gotten better grades - I think I could have been valedictorian, or close to it, had I tried a little harder and taken more DE classes, like Brian. I also could have done better on my SAT's.
I'd have made more friends. Closer friends. I'd try to be more friendly, and get involved - if not with school at least with stuff going on outside of school.
I regret being stupid about guys. It was never a huge deal - I never cried over a guy until senior year, but still I wish I'd been more suave about it. I wish I'd had a boyfriend or two - nothing major but something to give me a little healthy experience. I'm not proud of everything I've done in that department, and right now I'm just trying to forget it, but hopefully someday I'll see some lesson hidden in amongst the stupidity.
Socially and educationally I wish all of high school had been like (the end) junior year, beginning of senior year.
I don't know if I could change this, but I wish I hadn't been depressed the first two years. Maybe to change that I'd have to go back even further in time. It made me afraid to go out and do anything. I wish I hadn't been afraid. I wish I'd been open to trying new things, hanging out with new people. I guess depression does that to you though.
After high school I wish I'd stayed at FSU. I wish I hadn't dated anyone. I wish I hadn't made such stupid decisions when it comes to relationships. I wish I'd gotten more involved at school and gone to more game nights, and theater dinners, and movie showings. I also wish I never had friends that hurt me, because now I don't trust anyone.
There are some things I wouldn't change. Jamie for one. It's hard to believe we've been friends for over four years! We don't see each other very often but I think (I hope) he'll always be my friend. Track - honestly that was one of the best things I could have done. My only regret was not doing it sooner. Coaches Morrell and Vien were awesome, I got into pretty good shape (so I looked HOT lol) and made a few friends along the way. My BCE job which was also my first job. Even though I hated it and Mrs. Olen hated me I did like that job. Would I do it again? I seriously doubt it, but at the time it was good. Lastly, theater. Mrs. Morrell and all the kids in my Drama class. I remember her talking to me about not being a Diva! lol! I loved the days when we'd miss class to be setting up for a show, or having dress rehearsals. Even shows I did outside of school. I'd go back and do any one of them over again.
I wonder if this nostalgia is all just about knowing I'm getting closer and closer to being an adult and I'm scared. I want to postpone it as long as possible. I don't want to get older. I want to stay 18 forever. Rather, wanted to. I'm not liking 19 too much. Maybe it's about not liking myself now. Maybe I didn't make the best decisions then, and I realize that now, but while it was happening I liked myself and I was comfortable with where I was going. Now I'm completely lost, and I long for that time when I was sure about things. I feel like I've become a flake. I call out of work just because I don't feel like going, then I go to parties instead. I cancel planned meetings with friends, just because I don't feel like going. I'm...terrible and I don't blame people for not liking me. That's why I never got close to anyone. The only reason I got closer to Andrea was because she kind of took me by storm. If it had been up to me, we'd never have become as close of friends as we were. I've become more dependent on friends, and yet I won't give them very much in terms of access to me. I won't let them in. I have to find a balance. I don't want to be the gusher that lays all her feeling out on the table like a tarot reader, but I also don't want to be Fort Knox. idk...I'm tired of thinking about this.
There are so many things I wish I could do over. For one I could have taken harder classes and gotten better grades - I think I could have been valedictorian, or close to it, had I tried a little harder and taken more DE classes, like Brian. I also could have done better on my SAT's.
I'd have made more friends. Closer friends. I'd try to be more friendly, and get involved - if not with school at least with stuff going on outside of school.
I regret being stupid about guys. It was never a huge deal - I never cried over a guy until senior year, but still I wish I'd been more suave about it. I wish I'd had a boyfriend or two - nothing major but something to give me a little healthy experience. I'm not proud of everything I've done in that department, and right now I'm just trying to forget it, but hopefully someday I'll see some lesson hidden in amongst the stupidity.
Socially and educationally I wish all of high school had been like (the end) junior year, beginning of senior year.
I don't know if I could change this, but I wish I hadn't been depressed the first two years. Maybe to change that I'd have to go back even further in time. It made me afraid to go out and do anything. I wish I hadn't been afraid. I wish I'd been open to trying new things, hanging out with new people. I guess depression does that to you though.
After high school I wish I'd stayed at FSU. I wish I hadn't dated anyone. I wish I hadn't made such stupid decisions when it comes to relationships. I wish I'd gotten more involved at school and gone to more game nights, and theater dinners, and movie showings. I also wish I never had friends that hurt me, because now I don't trust anyone.
There are some things I wouldn't change. Jamie for one. It's hard to believe we've been friends for over four years! We don't see each other very often but I think (I hope) he'll always be my friend. Track - honestly that was one of the best things I could have done. My only regret was not doing it sooner. Coaches Morrell and Vien were awesome, I got into pretty good shape (so I looked HOT lol) and made a few friends along the way. My BCE job which was also my first job. Even though I hated it and Mrs. Olen hated me I did like that job. Would I do it again? I seriously doubt it, but at the time it was good. Lastly, theater. Mrs. Morrell and all the kids in my Drama class. I remember her talking to me about not being a Diva! lol! I loved the days when we'd miss class to be setting up for a show, or having dress rehearsals. Even shows I did outside of school. I'd go back and do any one of them over again.
I wonder if this nostalgia is all just about knowing I'm getting closer and closer to being an adult and I'm scared. I want to postpone it as long as possible. I don't want to get older. I want to stay 18 forever. Rather, wanted to. I'm not liking 19 too much. Maybe it's about not liking myself now. Maybe I didn't make the best decisions then, and I realize that now, but while it was happening I liked myself and I was comfortable with where I was going. Now I'm completely lost, and I long for that time when I was sure about things. I feel like I've become a flake. I call out of work just because I don't feel like going, then I go to parties instead. I cancel planned meetings with friends, just because I don't feel like going. I'm...terrible and I don't blame people for not liking me. That's why I never got close to anyone. The only reason I got closer to Andrea was because she kind of took me by storm. If it had been up to me, we'd never have become as close of friends as we were. I've become more dependent on friends, and yet I won't give them very much in terms of access to me. I won't let them in. I have to find a balance. I don't want to be the gusher that lays all her feeling out on the table like a tarot reader, but I also don't want to be Fort Knox. idk...I'm tired of thinking about this.