In that single moment..
It's been awhile, kinda?
I have not seen my mom in a good while, I went to go see her maybe a week ago, not even, and she wasn't where she was staying. So I have no clue where she is. I have had many situations this week/ last week that have reminded me of her, and it's kinda killing me. I miss her, so much. So so much. Maybe i'm missing the OLD her, not the PRESENT her. But either way, I wish I could see her more, and talk to her, and just have her around. It's the most horrible thing not having a mother in your life, and if something would happen to her soon, I would seriously just want to die, for not spending the time that a mother and daughter should spend together.
Not having her around makes things 100 times harder here at home. My dad lost all the weight he gained while in jail, in a matter of weeks. I know hes using again, he tried to tell me he only relapsed 2/3 times since hes been out, but i know for sure he's using everyday. There are never any spoons, he's always in his room or in the basement, he doesn't go to work as much as he used to, and he's so moody when he's not on it. He's always screaming about something, and i can't take it.
The other night, i someone called my phone, it was at like 10, and i was on it for like 2 minutes and he starts flipping out, screaming like a maniac about me being on my phone, when we have free nights and weekends, so i seriously, lost it. I straight up told him i know hes using again, i know when he's on it, when he's not, who he gets it from and how much he spends. He told me i was wrong, and that i was ungreatful. He told me he hope he went back to jail again, cause then i would realize everything. This hurt my feelings so bad, i couldn't help but cry and flip out on him, HE HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT ME AND MY SISTER WENT THROUGH LAST YEAR. I'm pretty sure I am thankful for every single thing he does for me, who wouldn't be after not having enough money to ride the fucking bus home or to school each day. Last year we lived in such poverty, especially towards the end of the school year, i missed so much school, i live in this abandoned house with my mom, who had no job, no money nothing, my sister and i seriously starved, and just stayed off school cause, it was impossible to go. So much shit went on last year, i can't even begin to explain the context and depth of it, but where the hell does he get off saying that, and thats exactly what i told him.
...he apologized to me the next day.
I walked downstairs yesterday, Leanne not knowing i was home and sat on the top of the steps and listened while she talked so much shit on me and my sister. I thought when you were grown, you know.. in your 40's, you were an adult, and you didn't do shit like that. I can't wait till she moves. I hate being here, her kids are rediculous most of the time, I am just so fustrated with everything anymore, i could care less what happened to them.
I'm trying to live for myself, and my sister. She's the only person i got, and i only care about her and my futures. I want to make sure we have something to look forward to, something good needs to happen for us, after being put through hell for the past 4/5 years. I don't care what anyone things about our friendship, we've had encounters this year about it, but fuck anyone who opposes. We have such a tight grip on each other, no one could ever understand, or tear us apart. She means the world to me, she's the only person i have, and the only person i can relate to.
Aubrey has been around more, and i like it, a 5 year friendship with her, and shes the only friend i have that has never brought any drama into my life, sure we used to fight like when i was in 9th grade or something, but things now are great, she is something. I wouldn't trade the friendship we have for a thing.
Anyways, lately, schools been stressful, senior project is lame. It's stressing me out so much and it shouldn't. I'm sure i'll do a fine job on it. And it's not really that big either. But school is a drag. I've missed 10 or so days this year, and i've been tardy 10 times. I can't miss or be tardy anymore unless i have a doctors excuse, and we are only half way through the year, i don't know how i'm gonna manage. And plus, I get the worst headaches ever, they make me not want to do a damn thing. I don't know if they are from the wreck or not, they could be.
Eh, I turn 18 in 4 days. I don't feel 18, i really don't, I don't want to be 18 either. Sucks. I'm not ready to graduate, i'm not ready to get thrown into the real world of everything. Anyways, you know you want to make me a card for my birthday.
Well, that's enough for one entry. Peace.