A sure mistake to have typed, I'm sure.
There is a boy, Stephen, locked away inside of me. I know that some of you knew him and I remember much about him. (Yes, this will be one of those lame entries.) He was always in love, always depressed, yet still always creative--productive. In some ways, by some he was not liked, though--not accepted--and so I've locked that boy away. In his place is a new boy, some would say a better boy. Monday through Friday he wakes up at 5am and readies himself to work in the mill room of a prefabricated housing factory until 2:30pm, at which point he comes home. He hates this job not quite as much as the imprisoned, but enough to be looking elsewhere all the same. Though, this boy stands up for himself in the loud, obnoxious, matter-of-fact way that actually gets noticed. He tells his boss where to put it and how he needs to be treated and is accepted and even liked by his coworkers. He comes home and he knows what he wants of his day and what needs to be done and he strives, even pushes, for things to lead down this path. He wants things to be equal, but fair just the same as his captive, though he goes to more extreme, aggressive means to achieve this equality. Though the boy inside of him does not enjoy conflict, this boy does not shy away from it and will follow it to a conclusion he is satisfied with. He loves his girlfriend and his son, but there are things that make him unhappy, uneasy. How much can you expect someone to change, he wonders. For how long? How much *can* someone change and still be happy with who they've become, what they've left behind? These questions dance across the ballroom of his mind.
For the sake of being cruel, let us call this boy Steve. Of one mind, but with a separate heart from Stephen. Stephen is still very much alive inside of him and the truth to these questions saddens him, depresses him. And so to those who would say they loved him he is useless. Because he feels and what he feels is unpleasant and undesirable. Steve is much more efficient: he has his affairs and his emotions in order and isn't afraid to say what he thinks to get to the planned destination. He has gotten himself a raise, paid off his car, and is about to start the process of getting a home loan. He is no bullshit. He can conquer the world, but he can't kill Stephen. Stephen loves his girlfriend and his son too. He loves his son more than he knew he could love another person and this is a boy who knows his love. His love for his girlfriend is clouded by conflicts, though, and he is never quite sure where they stand. Not far from 2 years have passed and there is question as to how much things have developed. No one would call the pace brisk. There have been advances and setbacks, but which outweighs which is anyone’s guess. He cares not venture one. At times she makes him feel little, which would lead one to wonder whether Steve truly imprisoned him or if he isn't just using Steve as a rock to crawl under.
The biggest question of all is could Stephen survive in the world Steve has created in his absence. Would he last a day at his job? A few seconds with the stress of balancing what little money it brings in? Can he take not knowing what the future may bring? However, for me--the culmination of the two--to survive, these questions must be answered. Steve's lack of artistic output and contact with his long distance friends, as well as his detachment from the world of music he loves has been a bother to me for too long. His beating down of the sheltered being who created him has caused damage that may be irreparable. I feel Stephen got himself into a situation that was over his head and Steve had to be created to hopefully bail him out of it--or at least tread water. But which one of these did Ashley fall in love with and which would be a better father to Nicholai? I'm sorry to say that I don't know anymore. It's like the more I try the deeper I dig the hole and the deeper the hole the more the whole thing stinks. I am saddened by Ashley's sadness as to what she has given up. If only she could be more enthusiastic about it. At times I feel like I have been a horrible person for asking her to change herself at all, but I know that is not true. A relationship has to have sacrifices and I don't feel like we've given up too much on either side. I don't think she does, either, but still there is the sadness--I know. I know it all too well. For one of us is it. Just another one of those lame entries.
For the sake of being cruel, let us call this boy Steve. Of one mind, but with a separate heart from Stephen. Stephen is still very much alive inside of him and the truth to these questions saddens him, depresses him. And so to those who would say they loved him he is useless. Because he feels and what he feels is unpleasant and undesirable. Steve is much more efficient: he has his affairs and his emotions in order and isn't afraid to say what he thinks to get to the planned destination. He has gotten himself a raise, paid off his car, and is about to start the process of getting a home loan. He is no bullshit. He can conquer the world, but he can't kill Stephen. Stephen loves his girlfriend and his son too. He loves his son more than he knew he could love another person and this is a boy who knows his love. His love for his girlfriend is clouded by conflicts, though, and he is never quite sure where they stand. Not far from 2 years have passed and there is question as to how much things have developed. No one would call the pace brisk. There have been advances and setbacks, but which outweighs which is anyone’s guess. He cares not venture one. At times she makes him feel little, which would lead one to wonder whether Steve truly imprisoned him or if he isn't just using Steve as a rock to crawl under.
The biggest question of all is could Stephen survive in the world Steve has created in his absence. Would he last a day at his job? A few seconds with the stress of balancing what little money it brings in? Can he take not knowing what the future may bring? However, for me--the culmination of the two--to survive, these questions must be answered. Steve's lack of artistic output and contact with his long distance friends, as well as his detachment from the world of music he loves has been a bother to me for too long. His beating down of the sheltered being who created him has caused damage that may be irreparable. I feel Stephen got himself into a situation that was over his head and Steve had to be created to hopefully bail him out of it--or at least tread water. But which one of these did Ashley fall in love with and which would be a better father to Nicholai? I'm sorry to say that I don't know anymore. It's like the more I try the deeper I dig the hole and the deeper the hole the more the whole thing stinks. I am saddened by Ashley's sadness as to what she has given up. If only she could be more enthusiastic about it. At times I feel like I have been a horrible person for asking her to change herself at all, but I know that is not true. A relationship has to have sacrifices and I don't feel like we've given up too much on either side. I don't think she does, either, but still there is the sadness--I know. I know it all too well. For one of us is it. Just another one of those lame entries.