2009
It's hard to believe that I'm sitting here, in my office, staring at 2009. It was just yesterday I was graduating from Medical School, from Quantico. Just yesterday I walked into a basement office and my life was changed forever.
I can't say good riddance to 2008. In many ways, despite the one thing that looms over me even right now, it was one of the best years of my life. Mulder was forgiven by the FBI and as a free man, he could actually start living again. In March we went to Jamaica and in April we packed our bags and flew to Bucharest, a city that has come to mean so much to us. It was there we fell in love all over again. We reminded ourselves that we weren't together just because of the bad, but the good as well. That we are each others balance in the darkness and the light. It isn't easy and there are still days when I wonder if we were meant to always be in love but never together. But then I walk through the door and he's there to greet me with a cup of tea and a kiss and often, something else. For a man in his late forties, I can hardly fault his sex drive.
2008 did blow the dust off some old truths we'd have liked to have forgotten completely about. We were reminded that the experiments could still be going on, that there are possibly still cloned children out there, that 2012 still looms, and that even my health is apparently subject to the whims of whatever has chosen to play God with our lives. I still cannot trace where Natalie disappeared to, and something tells me that I never will. More and more, I am coming to believe that giving William up was the wrong choice, that I am the only one who can protect him in the coming storm, but that is a choice I can not go back on. Even if I were to go to Skinner and beg for what he knows, I know he would not give it to me and I know the adoption records are sealed tighter than most.
But of course, the biggest news of 2008 was the return of my cancer. I knew, ten years ago, when I'd passed that beautiful five-year mark when doctors pronounce you "cancer free" that it wasn't over. But Mulder was in hiding then and I was struggling to raise our son and all I could think was "I'm free! I'm free!" I knew better then and this year, when the tests confirmed that the cancer had returned, I was reminded that the game still continues. The table is still set. 2012 approaches and my story is not yet over. I want it to be. I want to grow old quietly, with Mulder by my side. I want to finally plant a rose garden and I want to watch my nephews grow up. But first, my role in the destiny that was shaped by beings who gave us the answers we seek in our gods, must be played out. It frightens me to think what that destiny means. I have no plans to die, but this time we do not have some magical chip ... in fact, I think ... I don't know. I still haven't removed the chip. I don't know if I should. If it's controlling the growth of the cancer and I remove it, will I then die in the blink of an eye? I do not like being ruled by fear, but in this case, I feel I have no choice.
Three more treatments in this first round. Last time I worked through so much, this time I worked not knowing what was going on. Mark has determined that my migraines are not actually migraines but small tendrils of the tumor pressing on sensitive spots in my sinus cavity which triggered a migraine like reaction. The location of the tumor last time was more likely to cause nosebleeds, which is a much more obvious symptom of something that is wrong. The good news is that my first headache was two years ago and even though we only started treatment three weeks ago, the tumor is still small and hopefully manageable.
2009 will be remembered for the year I was again cured. It will be the year Mulder and I headed back to Bucharest and the year I finally planted a rose garden. It will be the year Bill and Mulder start to get along (okay maybe that's pushing it). It will be the year my brother Charlie is finally close to the family again and the year my mother finally finds happiness with a man she has loved for nearly as long as I have loved Mulder.
2009 has some goals to live in to. It had better get cracking.
-Dana Scully-