what if?
Dana has a favorite song - Reservoir by this group called Hem. She says it reminds her of our time on the road and the peace we found there even though things were so crazy for us. What that time did was solidify our partnership as two people in love. She could have walked away, and maybe she should have, but she didn't and my days are brighter and my nights warmer because of it. The song is running through my head right now as I sit here. Dana's back in the ICU.
Unless you've experienced someone going into hypovolemic shock right in front of you, there is no way to understand the terror. She's been reasonably nosebleed free, until about 11:30 this morning when it was like watching the levees in New Orleans bust open. Honestly, I may just buy a new laptop - I may never get the blood completely off the keys of the one we have... I thought she'd bleed to death before the medics got to the house, and then on the drive back into town. She made it, she's in the ICU and she was unconscious for most of the day. It wasn't until around 9:30 that she did wake up. She's still in the ICU, but getting stronger and if she feels better in the morning they'll move her to a less restrictive environment. But, they need to change the course of treatment. What they were trying just may be too much for her to handle. What are we supposed to do? Sit back and wait for it to ...
I can't ... I can't do this.
No. Yes. I can. I can because I have to. Because in a few weeks, we're going to Bucharest. We're painting the house in the Spring. And we're going to survive whatever apocalypses the universe throws at us. Including this one.
My biggest fear is, of course, loosing her. But other than that - what if I can't do anything? What if Skinner and Drummy can't make headway? What if Doggett and Reyes can't help? What if we've been out of this for far too long and my own research isn't enough. It's not just Scully I'm talking about. What about all of those women out there who have gone through what she has? What about the men like me who were abducted? What about the people who went through those ... transitions. Who became something else? What about the super soldiers? What about my son? I couldn't do enough when I did have access ... I'm meeting with Skinner and Drummy tomorrow - we're going to go through Scully's old records - the ones we've held on to. I know them by heart, but of course Drummy and Skinner don't.
I went back to the house to get the files and the laptop and clean up the blood. There was so much blood. But I couldn't have Dana seeing it when she comes home.
I can't but help wonder what all of this means though. William's appearance in our lives, if only for a moment. Dana's sudden downturn. What if the chip needs to come out? What if ... what if ...
-Mulder-