B/f's...or not?

[1walkinmyshoes]

First things first by saying this i am not saying i swing the other way..but... Nikki when you and i never hang out anymore i cant just be me..i cant do something without remembering that i lost the one good friend i ever had to the enemy...and i know this is going to sound wierd but i really did..somewhere along the line. You say he has changed but, you still have to hide me, from him, like i was a fucking ex-boyfriend, you still hang out with or something of that sort and it is ridiculous. What may i ask did i do wrong? Yeah i am not asking for much. I have NEVER asked you for much, but i did ask for a best friend?? I fucking hate this bull. Whenever we hang out now it is either because chris is busy and we need to run errands, or chris is out with the family, or chris is working....notice the sequence? I have blown off my friends AND my boyfriend just hang out with you for an hour or two, because i guess in some small part of my brain i am thinking from this one time we could go back to normal. I am not saying you should dump Chris and i would NEVER ask you to do that, because i wouldnt dump MY Chris for anything or anyone, but c'mon! Cut me some slack, just a little. I have feelings too. I know that you say for you it is no picnic either..but at the end of the day you still dont end up with a slumber party with the girlfriends, do you?..I hate that you and i dont talk too much anymore and i hate that you and i get into small arguments whenever it comes to this but i am sick of just sitting back and saying nothing..i hate it like this..i HATE not having my best friend to talk to when things get tuff, or when i think i cannot take it anymore or when i feel like no one cares..You were always there to pick me up when i fell, to soothe me when i was hyperventalating, to cheer me up when i was down, to hug me when i got dumped, to tell me that i was special and that he was just a fucking loser in the first place...that is what used to be...we helped eachother and now we are both fucked. You cannot honestly tell me that there is nothing wrong now..that you need no one to talk to..that your relationship is the best ever and there are absolutely NO bumps, that you have friends that will keep there mouthes shut NO MATTER WHAT. I dont even know what to do anymore..i cannot fight with you because i feel bad, so when i try to talk to you, about something that is killing me and i have wanted to talk to you about for a LONG time, you shut me out as soon as the phone rings..its him. I have never doubted that he was "the one" or the love of your life, but after the times that i told you what my ex-bestfriend did to me, dont you think that i wouldnt be able to do it again??I am. I really hope you see this because since i cannot stay over your house long enough to do it and i cannot keep you online long enough to type it without you telling me it is "chris time" so i have to leave you alone basically then this is all i know how to do. I didnt want to type it on here but like you told me..it is a journal and if people dont like it, or dont want to hear it, then dont read it. And this is trully the probably only way i can communicate with you now..Nikki all i can say is i am glad you got everything you ever wanted...hope you are happy.

~Nat

P.S. I miss having a best friend..