RP Log with halfway2heaven | Secrets Slipped

[1twntyovreighty]

[Follows THIS]

Bella kept her promise and drove Dave home to his apartment. She kept her promise and gave him sleeping pills in an effort to help him rest after the devastating news. She kept her promise of making sure he was okay by walking him up to his door when he could hardly remain on his feet. She kept her promise of staying with him until he was ready to leave. It all led to her breaking her promise to Rick that she would drop by and see him before he was discharged from hospital. She really tried to keep it, but she really did get tied up. Time became irrelevant to her as Dave sat in her office and cried his heart out. He was so exhausted by the time he was done, that he nearly passed out when he tried to stand up. He had still been feverish and feeling generally crappy. She hoped Rick would understand that she didn't deliberately stand him up, only she was more than aware that she couldn't exactly tell him why. Not without completely screwing Dave's doctor-patient confidentiality over.


After dropping the devastated surgeon off at his apartment, again trying to make a useless last-ditch attempt to get him to call his sister, Bella had left Dave alone with him promising he was just going to take a shower and go to bed. It was times like this Bella had to remind herself she was a doctor, not a stalker. She had to respect her patient's wishes, even if she could never quite shake the urge to help people and to be there for them. Lines had to be drawn, and this was one of those times her job really, really sucked, especially considering Dave was a personal friend.

The rain was pouring on Miami, and Bella had gone back to her car parked on the side of the road and just sat in there for a long time, her forehead resting against the steering wheel as she finally let a few of her own helpless tears escape. It was the helpless feeling that was the hardest to cope with. First being unable to stop Rick getting hurt when Chris' surgery took a turn for the worst. Unable to properly reassure Rick his little brother would pull through. Now something like this? Having to tell a guy who had thrived since his own cancer remission and grabbed his new lease on life with both hands that he was back to square one? Also know that he wasn't reaching out to his family and friends. Family and friends that were going to be stunned and devastated when the news eventually came out. And then there was Aimee. Who loved Dave unconditionally, and she was oblivious to how much pain he was going through, probably stuck at home thinking she was somehow at fault.

And Bella couldn't do a damn thing to help any of them.

At 8.20pm, she finally found herself on the doorstep of Chris and Serena's apartment. Chris was still grudgingly back in the hospital with Serena at his side trying to distract him from the fact his brother had gone home. Rick and his mom should be home, though. Rick had preferred to come here with his mom, and not come to Bella's. It was the right decision, even if she had to keep reminding herself of that. She rung the buzzer and hugged her jacket around herself when the raindrops she had been unable to escape started to make her feel chilled. The only thing was, it was a warm and muggy rain... it had to be something else entirely making her feel chilled. Either way, she knew she owed Rick a visit, even if she was nine hours late for it.

Rick had been okay. He'd been okay up until the point his mom had decided to hit the store for some late night shopping. Serena had been too busy looking after Chris to worry about there being food in the house bar any kind of quick meal that could just be wolfed down when she did actually come home for sleep, and Rick hadn't wanted to waste time at the store while coming home from the hospital. His mom hadn't been in much of a rush to force him through something like that either. Even if his appetite was back and he was still doing well with the new kidney, it seemed like going from the hospital to Chris' was enough energy wasted.

And he really had been okay. He'd been quiet, and disappointed that Bella hadn't kept her promise, but she was a doctor. She had other patients just like she'd said. Her workload was already an issue, and Rick didn't need to be piling on the extra things like asking her to see him off home when chances were that they'd see each other outside the hospital. Only now he was doubting that. He was alone, trying to watch the TV and not think about the fact that he wasn't one of the cases she'd probably think of high priority right now. Plus they were still trying to pursue something more, right? So she'd want to step back and separate business from personal again.

That was what today had to be. What other oncologist would be there when a patient discharged? Probably none. This was the time at which they relinquished any personal investment in the patient's care and moved on to the next. So by the time the buzzer sounded, Rick had talked himself into a funk, and a kind of panicked loneliness as he already assumed that he wouldn't get to see Bella much. Baby or not, budding relationship or not, she had other patients. Other people that needed her time more than he did.

He reluctantly dragged himself to his feet as he pulled the bandana back on to open the door, the fact that he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror right now without it also weighing on his mind. His features were set in a troubled frown as he pulled open the door and saw Bella. "Hey."

"Hey... listen, I just wanted to come and apologise. I tried to get there, I did... I just couldn't. Today's been... I just... I'm sorry." Bella said quickly, not meaning to launch right into rambling idiot mode. She pushed her hair out of her face where it had all fallen out of her ponytail when she had sat with her face planted against the steering wheel. She pointed behind herself, indicating the general direction of the hospital. "I was stupid. I actually stopped by Chris' room to see if you were still there around six. I don't even know what possessed me to assume you would be, and the fact Chris wasn't even still in the room because he got moved back to a private... obviously. I'm just sorry and-- are you okay? You're pissed. Of course you're pissed. I am sorry, but are you...? Okay, I mean?"

Rick's eyebrows finally went up a little, and he gave a slow shake of his head. "I'm not pissed, I'm just... I guess I thought I wouldn't see you again. It's stupid. I'm stupid. Just because you have other patients doesn't mean you still wouldn't see me. I know you... That they're important. It's okay. Come in, Bella," Rick added as she stepped aside for her to pass. "Mom's gone to the store, so I'm home alone right now. Feels weird. Don't even have a buzzer for a nurse, or anything."

Bella looked up at him, her mouth hanging open a little. "You thought... you wouldn't see me again? Are you serious?" She held up her hand and shook her head a little. "Don't answer that. You wouldn't have said it otherwise." She followed him inside with a small sigh, brushing some of the rain from her jacket before she decided to just take it off. She got tangled up in it because it was wet and it made her shirt ride up and she finally just tore the jacket off herself in frustration and dumped it on the floor. It was amazing how something as easy as taking a jacket off could suddenly feel like a huge task. "If you still needed a buzzer, you wouldn't be here. Meanwhile, your brother had to have his taken off him for half an hour as punishment because he decided it was fun to try and play Stairway to Heaven on it."

Rick turned back to Bella and stooped to pick up her jacket to lay it on the back of one of the chairs before his gaze dropped to where her shirt had ridden up. He ran his tongue over his lips briefly before he reached out to tug the shirt down. "See what happens when I get left alone? I wind up thinking myself in circles... Making stupid decisions. Are you okay? Maybe I should be the one asking you that question. Need anything? I can get you a drink. Are you soaked? I didn't even realise it was raining." Then without much warning Rick just pulled Bella into a hug. He had no idea where the clinginess was coming from, but he did know he just wanted to hold her. "Chris is going to go mental being stuck there."

The hug took Bella by surprise. Not in a bad way, just in a sudden way and the first thing she noticed was how boney his shoulder actually felt when her cheek pressed up against it. He had been losing weight, she knew that. It was inevitable with how sick he was, but this just really hit home for her and she had to suck in a sharp breath to prevent herself from crying again. For the first time in her career as an Oncologist, she felt useless. All these people connected to her were sick and she was floundering. "You need to try and focus on the positives. That... I'm going to be around when I can. That Chris will be home soon. That your Mom is here. That you have a brand new functioning kidney, even if its tissue comes from a person with borderline ADHD. If you have an abrupt urge to play air guitar, please don't give into temptation." She paused, falling quiet for a moment. "I don't think I'm so okay... no. I had to tell a patient today that his remission was down the toilet," she added quietly, her fingers gripping around a handful of his t-shirt that was loose on him. She swore this was a body hugging one when she first met him.

Rick hugged Bella a little tighter and rubbed her back as he took a breath. She smelled like the rain, and she smelled like Bella. There wasn't any other way to describe it. She just had this scent that was hers and he adored it. He was addicted to it. He missed it. "Can you imagine Chris getting diagnosed with ADHD? He'd probably loved it. It would be an excuse for every little thing that was annoying. There's no urge for air guitar. I just feel... I don't know. I don't think lonely is the right term. It's not like I am. I have people. I'm sorry about your patient. I can't even... I'm so sorry."

"He kept trying to come home with you, you know. He had the forms to sign himself out. I'm going to kill the shit who gave them to him. Luckily Serena managed to talk him down. I would seriously talk to his doctors about letting him come home with you, but he's not eating like he should and he gets weakened quickly, even if he won't admit it. I'll try and talk to him tomorrow. Or I'll talk to Serena. I think the surgery was a bigger ordeal on him than any of us first anticipated. He needs to recuperate. That's where we hit the stumbling block. I'll tell you, you guys are so goddamn stubborn! You're screwing with my head! It's okay to need help sometimes, you know! It's friggen okay!" Bella suddenly exploded in frustration as her day came weighing back down on her again. She threaded her fingers through her hair and bit down on her lip as she glanced away from him. "I'm sorry. That was out of line. I'm going to blame that one on the pregnancy, and the fact I couldn't yell at my patient today."

"Well, I'd definitely be a little concerned if you did yell at your patient. I know we're all capable of stubborn streaks but there's no need for the yelling." Rick kept one arm around her as he dipped his head to kiss the top of hers and then her temple before he led her to the sofa so that he could get back off his feet. "Fuck, are you serious about Chris trying to sign himself out? I could really kill him sometimes. I get that he's a doctor and he's frustrated but he still needs to take care of himself. Let himself heal. But I guess you're more worried about someone else. Are you able to talk about it? I guess you can't. Confidentiality..."

Bella sat down, grateful for the seat herself. She was so tired and emotionally drained. Her mind kept going back to Dave all alone in his apartment and she felt terrible for him. "I'm serious. Doctors never make good patients. They get it into their heads that they should still be protecting everyone else around them. It's a screw loose. A huge giant screw that makes their doctors jobs really difficult. Doctor-patient confidentiality is all well and good, but sometimes I feel like it's more detrimental than helpful..." She shook her head and let her eyes close briefly. "Rick, it's not about being worried about someone else, or my patients being on some sort of care priority list. I worry about you all, and I care about you all. This guy today, he just took a really hard knock. I guess he's in a similar situation to you. Hell, you'll probably end up in the chemo clinic with him," she realised, her eyes widening a little. This was all assuming Dave didn't try to take his treatment elsewhere to avoid anyone here knowing. "You and Chris both mean a hell of a lot to me. More than either of you realise. I could just see traits from both of you in my patient today and a lot of things hit very close to home."

Rick's frown was back as he watched Bella, still feeling like there was something that she was telling him without telling him. "You don't want me to wind up seeing this patient in the chemo clinic? You know, that doesn't make me feel very at ease, sweetheart. Either I'm the one with the cooties, or he's some kinda top secret famous person. I'm sorry the guy's had a relapse. I can't even imagine... Truth be told, I don't want to imagine. I'm trying to hang to all the positives you mentioned before. Even if I failed and my brain came up with some shit line of thinking like me never seeing you again. I didn't mean to imply that we didn't mean anything to you. Can you at least stay for a bit? Mom will be home soon and she... Shit."

Bella stared at the clear glass surface of the coffee table. If Rick paused for a moment, he would probably be able to connect the dots. "Or he's just like you, and prefers to keep secrets to protect the people he loves. I don't have any famous patients..." she added, as if that was some answer for everything. She could feel herself getting upset again, tearing up even though she was desperately trying not to. "And now he's back home on his own because he doesn't know how to even begin to cope with this." She put her hands over her face for a few moments to try and regain her composure and then exhaled heavily, dropping her hands back into her lap. "I thought you were happy to be home with your Mom."

Rick kept his arm slipped around her shoulders, figuring that he could at least be good at comforting Bella. It gave him something else to think about. Even if his mind now was working overtime to figure out who she was talking about. His eyes widened as the penny dropped. "No, no... Shit. Fuck... No. Are you serious? He only just finished coping with the last lot, of course he's not going to cope with it now. I am, but I just realised she still doesn't know about the baby."

Bella didn't say anything. She hugged an arm around her middle and rested an elbow on her knee. "When I start to show, we can tell everyone I have a hernia. Then you'll never have to tell her. Everyone around here seems to like secrets so much," she found herself saying before she could stop it. "Problem solved."

Rick didn't know what to say at first, his eyebrows going up. "Hey, hey... What's this really about? Because I'm not looking to be keeping secrets. I'm going to be an out and proud dad. I want to be out and proud about you, Bella. I just don't know how to begin to tell my mom. I still need to meet your brother. I think we need a genuine family dinner. I'd say we should wait until Chris is out and eating properly, but maybe this shouldn't wait?"

"I don't know what to tell you, Rick. I don't. I'm tired. Exhausted. Do you realise how many peoples' secrets I am trying to keep right now, including my own? I still don't even entirely understand why you didn't tell her you had cancer, or why you got Eva to tell Chris. I'm not judging you. I can be supportive without really understanding something. I can't judge, because I haven't told my brother either, but that's because I know he's going to freak out about it. He is, I can't deny that. I'll get him to come around once the enormity of it eases off, but..." Bella shook her head slightly. "Part of me doesn't even want to tell anyone else because something might go wrong. My whole day today has just told me over and over again how everything can change in a heartbeart."

He gave her a squeeze. "That right there is why. I didn't want them freaking out, I didn't want Chris taking responsibility. If this hadn't worked, if there had been nothing that he could do he'd spend the rest of his life blaming himself. I don't need him crashing and burning because of something that was not his responsibility. My mom's already had enough on her plate, enough heartache. I'm a coward. That's what it really comes down to. Remember my obsession with trying to make up for all my wrongs? But maybe we shouldn't tell anyone until we're sure the baby will be okay."

Bella just looked at him helplessly. "And did you think not telling him... your mom... would make it all go away? That you would just wake up and you would be better again? Doing something like this on your own is impossible. More than impossible. Secrets don't make things easier, they make them worse! How did you think it would make Chris feel to hear after the fact? How do you think he is going to feel to hear that Dave has Stage Three cancer again?" She pressed a hand to her mouth and shook her head. "Y-You can't tell anyone that. No one! He has specifically asked me not to tell anyone. But that doesn't mean I think for a minute he is doing the right thing here. I don't. I think it will hurt everyone around him, but it will hurt him the most."

Rick caught her face in his hands. "Hey, hey. Bella... I won't tell anyone, I promise. And I never said me not telling them was a good decision. I was just cowardly and couldn't face telling my own brother. Not when we were making Thanksgiving plans. Ones that I wanted so desperately to be able to follow through on. I just couldn't take letting him down again. I don't exactly agree with what your patient is doing either, but I don't think I'm in a place to judge right now. Men do stupid things when they're sick. It's documented."

"No, Rick. I need you to seriously promise me this. You can't tell Chris, your Mom... no one. Dave doesn't want anyone to know yet. I don't think he knows how to tell them. It's why he's been avoiding Chris. He didn't want to compound the ordeal you and Chris are already going through, and I seriously think he is going to try and keep this whole thing a secret just for that reason. He doesn't even want to tell his own sister because he doesn't want to hurt anyone all over again. He doesn't want to put them through that pain again. What is one part of you that you would be devastated to be told needed to be surgically removed?" Bella asked him helplessly and she squeezed her eyes shut, remembering the look on Dave's face when she told him. "And to be honest, as much as it kills me to admit, I don't think Chris has the strength to receive anymore news like this right now. Not yet."

Rick rubbed his finger against his eyebrow and tried not to frown, or take offence. "I am seriously promising. I wouldn't open my mouth about anything you told me in confidence. Just like I know you wouldn't say anything, didn't say anything. I was devastated to hear that any part of body was going to be surgically removed, but you know what? I think I get what part you are getting at though, and Jesus. He's got stage three down there? Shit... He can't keep it from Chris, though. Not forever. Chris will be torn apart when he finds out... He'll wonder why Dave couldn't trust him again. You're not the only one fed up with secrets. Chris can't handle them either."

Bella rested the backs of her fingers against her lips. "Dave's in a bad way. You just need to look at him, and you can see he's sick. Stage Three, it's... it's been there for awhile, to metastisise. I tried to convince him to tell his family, in the very least, but he's just numb. He thought I was just going to tell him it was back like it was before, but to be told it's a whole different form. Do you want to know the hard part? Dave has been trying to talk to Chris about his... issues. If he had, Chris as a doctor might have actually cottoned on to something not quite right. But Chris has been so sick himself and Dave didn't want to upset you by shoving any talk of cancer in your face, he didn't want to freak you out. I don't think I have a hope in hell of convincing Dave to talk to Chris about this. He's going to try and hide it from everyone. Just like you did."

"He should know better, he should know that this isn't the way to do it... To just talk about it." Rick shifted on the sofa and wrapped his arms around his middle as he sat there and tried not to feel ill. The talk of cancer was effecting him, but not because he hated it being so central to the conversation. More because he actually cared about Dave and what happened to him. And because he was more capable of sympathising now. He understood better some of what his brother's best friend had gone through. "He shouldn't have to care about what I'd think. This is about him being able to talk to his family and his best friend."

"But he does," Bella reminded him quietly, looking over his face. "He cares about all of you. He was the one who got you here because he was terrified for you. But he can't remember the rationality through the haze of shock. It took him days to come to me because he was scared what the outcome would be, but he just... knew. You do just know when something isn't right in your body, but that doesn't mean you're ready to deal with it. He's been thinking he hasn't had the stamina for mojo to keep up with Chris in that job, but it turns out he's been ill the whole time. His girlfriend touches him and he's in physical agony. I think his self-esteem and self-confidence are like something squished on the bottom of his shoe right now. But he kept my secret for me, and now I need to keep his. How am I supposed to help him if I can't tell anyone about this? Chris is already trying to smuggle himself out of the hospital for you. There is no hope in hell of him taking care of himself if I tell him both you and Dave need him."

Rick gave a small shake of his head. "I still don't like the idea of Chris not knowing. Of Dave not being able to trust anyone. That's just wrong. Why shouldn't he be looked after? Why shouldn't he feel like he can be sick and not be a burden? Surely that Dr Proctor's about to find out. He'd have to if Dave has to have surgery and chemo."

"It's not about trust, Rick. It has nothing to do with trust. He's trying to protect everyone, it's not that he doesn't trust anyone with the information. I don't know how to begin to explain it, I just know from what I saw today that he's running scared, and he's alone. Proctor will have to know, but he's not going to breach Dave's privacy either. I'm scared for him too. He knows what chemo is like, and he knows what he's facing. I really didn't want to leave him alone tonight, but I had no choice. I can't stalk him. I shouldn't have told you, but it even took all my effort not to call his sister, or to call Aimee. But he could sue me for something like that," Bella mumbled and rubbed her eyes which were stinging again.

Rick pulled Bella into another hug and kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry, babe. I wish I could come out with something profoundly awesome and boyfriendly to say right now but this is... I can't even begin to comment. I still feel like a huge hypocrite for wanting him to tell his sister. To tell Aimee, and Chris. And it's not like I can say anything either, and I won't. I really do promise."

Bella glanced up at him, blinking, before she turned back to look at the coffee table. Did he just say boyfriend? Is that what he was? It had been so long since she had one, she had forgotten what it felt like. She was pretty sure she had never faced the notion of this many court cases in her life. A few months ago, her professional self would have scoffed if she was told she would date a patient and spill another's confidential diagnosis. "I don't know what to do to help him. I could help you, I could help Chris even. You both might not have always liked my tactics, but I still managed to strong-hand you and convince you what needed to do. But Dave... he's just out of my grasp. My hands are tied. How am I even going to go to work tomorrow and look Lisa in the face?"

"You gotta find some of that strength I know you got buried inside," Rick answered softly, not even aware of the verbal slip he might have made referring to himself as her boyfriend. In his head, everyone coming out of his mouth made perfect sense. "Maybe you're just going to have to strong-hand yourself... Or hand Dave's case to another doctor if you think you're at risk of overstepping the lines. Which, again... hypocritical given our situation."

"You don't need to remind me about my lack of professionalism lately. Part of me hates myself for it, I can't apologise for that. I can't hand his case over anymore than I can hand yours over. If anything happened to either of you, I would never forgive myself. Same as it has taken all my effort not to smack Sable for some of the calls she's made with Chris. But I think like an Oncologist and she thinks like a Cardiovascular surgeon, and right now, Chris' heart was the priorty," Bella said with a heavy exhalation. "I can't stop thinking about how Dave is back at his home on his own, just like I couldn't stop thinking about you for days after Chris' crash in the OR."

Rick rubbed his hand against her back. "I'd say call him, but he probably won't pick up the phone. Is he really alone, though? I don't even know if Aimee's living with him. Are they at that stage? Surely she wouldn't take no for an answer when it came to seeing him. I really didn't mean to make a dig at your lack of professionalism. Truth is, I am in awe with how much you care. I always will be."

"You know what I feel like doing? Going over there with a fucking large stereo and blasting ballads about leaning on friends through his window until he relents and agrees to talk to everyone. She's not. Definitely not. He specifically said he went back to his place the other night after... things took a bad turn. She's probably thinking it's all her fault, but I hardly know her. She would get suspicious if I rocked up and tried to make with the caring friend routine. She would and she has. He went away from her and he's been avoiding her ever since. He admitted that to me. Apparently he went to see Chris last night, too. After my initial appointment with him." Bella sighed and met his gaze again with a small frown. "Caring sometimes just isn't enough, though."

"No, it's not, but it is a start," Rick reminded her softly as he rest his chin on the top of her head and just held her. He heard the front door opening, a signal his mom was home but Rick didn't pull away from Bella. Maybe this wasn't the best way for her to meet Carla Deleo away from the hospital, but maybe it would be enough of a distraction for Bella to take her mind off Dave at least for tonight. She wasn't going to be able to interfere, and there was going to be nothing anyone could do to help Dave until he was ready. That much Rick knew because it was exactly what happened with him. And now he just couldn't imagine not having his family and friends around him. Not having Bella there.

Bella shook her head and it was her that pulled away and stood up. "I can't do this, Rick. Not tonight, not after everything. You're going to have to just tell your Mom another time. I thought I would be okay facing her, but I'm not. How am I supposed to face her knowing she doesn't know about her grandkid, and also knowing that another guy she sees as a son is seriously sick? I just... I can't." She picked up her bag and anxiously put it over her shoulder. "I'll just tell her you left something at the hospital you needed. Explains why I'm here."

Rick stood up as well, but he couldn't actually meet Bella's gaze before he just gave her a dismissive wave. He really was going to wind up losing her whether she believed it or not. Too many secrets, too much pain. What joy was he actually going to bring her? He'd knocked her up when there was a strong chance she couldn't carry the baby to term, and they couldn't even tell his mom or her brother about the baby. "Tell her whatever you need to, Dr Watson. I'm just gonna go to bed." He turned around without even waiting to see his mom, and disappeared up the hall to the spare room that was now his safe haven.