RP Log with halfway2heaven | Brotherly Love
It was now forty eight hours after the surgery, and Bella was more than aware Mrs Carla Deleo was in the house. So far, she had managed to be extremely busy whenever the woman was anywhere near her presence. Thankfully enough, or she may well have lost control of her emotions. They were precarious as it was now, and the only way she was coping was focusing on her workload. It just wasn't easy when she was being plagued with morning sickness and trying to hide the fact. But forty eight hours meant it was time for Rick to start trying to move around a bit. Later in the day, they were going to try and remove the catheter to see if he could go without it and that the new kidney was doing what it was supposed to do. But first, he needed to get up from the bed a little and try to walk. the sooner they got to that the quicker his recovery would be... save for any complications, which everyone was more than aware of now.
Bella appeared in the doorway of his ICU room and found him sitting on the side of the bed after the nurses had him up a little. He had managed to walk from the bed to the bathroom for a shower, albeit, sitting on a shower chair, but it had to have felt good for him to have a proper shower and not just a wash in the bed. But Bella had requested he not be put back to bed just yet and she gave him a small smile when she saw him sitting there with a glowering look of frustration on his face. The first time up after an op was always a bitch. It was painful and difficult. She wasn't surprised he was in a bad mood. "Oh come on. I could outbitch you at ten paces," she told him as she came over to him, her hands tucked into the pockets of her lab coat over her lavender scrubs.
"That's not fair, you've got hormones," he mumbled as he looked up at her. "I'm just Cancer Guy. Who still has to walk around with a goddamn tube up his dick. You're not lying when you're telling me that the thing's going to come out, is it? Because I'd really like it to just get the hell out of my penis." He rubbed at his face before he looked down at his feet. As hard as it was, it really had been so much better to just walk around. The shower had had him moaning with pleasure. The nurses had snickered, but he hadn't cared. If he was actually capable of an erection he might have had one just from the sheer ecstasy of being out of bed.
"Semi Cancer Guy," Bella corrected, looking down at him with a smirk. "You technically have no tumours anymore. I got the path back. All clear. Once you're on the mend and back on your feet, we can get that next round of chemo into it. It's looking good." She took a couple of steps back and pulled the curtain around the bed, concealing the view from the ICU staff. She was still his doctor, no one would even question the move. She came back over to him and kissed his head softly, scratching her fingers lightly through the back of his hair. "How are you feeling? Do you think you could tolerate being up for a little longer?"
After seeing his mom, it was impossible for Rick not to notice the fact he was losing his hair. He reached out to catch Bella's free hand and gave it a squeeze as he tried not to think about the fact that her gesture might actually pull out some more strands. "So how long do we keep up with the chemo? How long until I'm... Cancer Remission Guy? Have you heard anything about Chris? I'm okay. I'm losing my hair and my Mom's here... But I can stay up a little longer. I've just been missing you."
Bella leaned over and kissed his hand before she slowly pulled a blue and black bandana out of her pocket and held it up, tilting her head slightly. She didn't ask him permission or wait for any protests, She just folded it over and wrapped it around his head, tying it carefully at the back of his head. She stepped back a little to admiring her handiwork, whistling with a wink of satisfaction. "Hot," she decided with a nod. "I've just come from there. He's in the hands of CV now. Dave's girlfriend, Aimee, is actually assigned his case along with her superior, Dr Sable. He can't have a better doctor, Rick, I promise. She's amazing. That's why I'm here. How would you feel about going and seeing him?"
Rick's nose was scrunched up at the fact she was putting a bandana on him, but he more than appreciated the thought. It meant she wasn't just his doctor right then. She cared about him. The truth was he was close to just asking her to shave his head. It had to be easier than losing his hair. He just wasn't sure Bella would have it in her to do it. He smirked at her after a moment. "Hot, huh? Well, I guess I can live with that. Do I get a flash of skin for it? Can't leave a guy out in the cold with just memories to keep him warm." Rick listened as he started to frown a little before the shock showed on his face. "See Chris? That would... Yeah, of course I want to see Chris. Is it allowed?"
"What can I say? I like the bad boy look. Gets me all hot and bothered." Bella tugged up her scrubs shirt and pointed at her belly. "All I can offer love. Scrubs aren't exactly built for a strip show. Of course it's allowed. You're his brother. The only reason you couldn't before was because we needed you to stay in bed for forty eight hours post-op to monitor you. There's not been a lot of change. His blood pressure has come up a little and he doesn't look as pale. He has a bit of a rash over his throat and arms, but it's an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics they put him on. It's nothing to worry about. It's just a little confronting to see it. Serena nearly crapped herself when she got here this morning and saw it. Poor thing."
Rick smiled and touched his fingers to her belly as he brushed them over the still smooth skin. He thought about his kid in there and it made him smile even more. "I'm sure I'll deal. How are you feeling? Jesus, poor Serena... I can't believe how much she's had to deal with, but she is still here. She's still by his side. That's something. It's a big something. I can't thank her enough. Has he still got all the machinery? So now he's spotty and looking like a science experiment? Am I walking to his room?"
"No, you bloody aren't," Bella told him firmly. "You've been up enough for today. I'll take you in a chair. Your mother, Serena, Dave, Serena's brother, Proctor... they've all been coming and going with monotonous regularity. He hasn't been alone once." She pulled the curtain back again and went over to get the chair she had left just outside the room, wheeling it over to him. She locked the brakes and then slipped her arm around his waist. "Okay, on three. Just take it easy..." She helped him into the chair slowly, making sure he wasn't going to burst any sutures or hurt himself. "He's still much the same, love. I think his doctors are in discussion with Dave as we speak about stopping the Propofol, but we'll see what comes of it. Dave seemed reluctant. Me? Crap, but it's fine. Nothing to worry about."
"Why is he reluctant," Rick asked, trying to get his head around what was happening with his brother. "Of course he wouldn't be alone. Everyone loves Dr C. I don't mean that to be snarky, it's a fact. He's always been like that." Rick positioned his feet on the foot rests and looked up at Bella. He kept his voice low now that the curtain was open and they weren't so alone. "Bella... after I get out of here, and assuming the kidney is still working and I ever get this tube outta my dick, will you let me take you out on a date? How can I not worry about you? Have you, ah... met my mother yet?"
"All they're worried about is how sick he is. It's not about how popular he is. It's almost like they need to keep seeing with their own eyes that his heart is still beating. Dave was reluctant because Proctor was. He asked the guy's medical opinion, and Proctor thinks it isn't going to hurt to keep Chris under for another day or two. He's thinking like a trauma surgeon, the transplant guys are thinking like transplant surgeons. Their aim is to get Chris awake to see that his body is functioning on one kidney. Proctor, on the other hand, is seeing the perforation as a traumatic injury and believes the body needs time to heal that before it would be strong enough to function the kidney. It all comes down to medical opinion, as many medical things usually do. With Dave in the driver's seat needing to actually make the call." Bella moved behind him and took the brakes off so she could start wheeling him slowly out of the room. "You get better for me and then we'll talk about date, okay? Yeah, I'm blackmailing you. I'll resort to dirty tactics to get you well if I need to."
Rick nodded as he listened. It made sense to him, and personally he sided with Proctor and Dave. If it meant Chris' body had more chance to heal than he should be kept under. He wasn't sure what to do with his hands at first with Bella being the one to push him in the chair, but eventually he just rested them in his lap. "So what happens if they wake him up and his body can't function with the one kidney? Will Chris have to have dialysis? As for playing dirty, that's just gonna make me not want to cooperate with you just to see what you come out with. Personally I vote for scrubs that are conducive to a striptease."
"Or find a donor for him to replace the kidney he lost," Bella explained. "Which I know sounds really fucked up in essence, but it's actually an extremely common thing. People do it all the time. One person gives a kidney because they're a perfect match and then someone else replaces it who originally wanted to be the donor but couldn't because they weren't a match with the original patient. Kidneys are a pretty resilient organ. Oh, baby, never mess with a pregnant doctor who wants to play dirty. I'm more likely to resort to putting you on a high fibre diet or insisting the cath stays another week. Cooperating will be far more fun for you. I'm more likely to reward kindly than punish kindly."
Rick tilted his head back to look at her and frowned. "He'd need a donor for the kidney in me? So he'd have one kidney that was his, and one that was... someone else's. Mom was angry that she hadn't been given a chance to save me. I don't know if I could deal with it any better knowing Mom was the one in Chris' shoes. Do you think it would have gone differently?" He looked forward again, and reached a hand up to touch the bandana on his head. "Cooperation means kind rewards... This might be the only time I will ever cooperate so willingly, Dr Watson."
Bella frowned in thought for a moment. "I don't know, love. I don't think your mom would have been as close a match for you as Chris was. At the end of the day, a brother or a sister will always be a preferred choice because you share the same genes and the same parents. About the only thing that would have been different in essence was that Chris wouldn't be hooked up to machines in an ICU right now. He would be a spectator only. I guess that right there is exactly what your mom would prefer. It has to been an almost unbearable thing for her to know you're both ill." She looked down at him with a small smirk. "That's what you say, Baby Daddy. I'll have you by the short and curlies, you watch," she joked as they reached the door of Chris' room. She checked who was in there and when she saw that no one was, looked up the hall at the coffee machine to see Serena there with Drew. There was never someone very far away from Chris, but for now, Rick had clear way for some time with his brother. He was going to need it. She wheeled him into the room and up to the side of the bed so Rick could see Chris' face and then locked the brakes on the wheelchair again.
"That's what I thought, but I wasn't sure. I didn't really know what to say to her. I know I did wrong by her. I know I fucked up. I should have at least told her I had cancer. But at the end of the day, I'm a coward. I just wanted to ignore it." He cleared his throat as he shifted in the chair and tried to ignore the fact that he wanted to burst into tears at the sight of his brother. It was doing his head in with all this crying. He wished like hell Chris didn't have to go through this. He also wished like hell he'd just stop bloody crying. "Are you sure he'll wake up?"
Bella sat down on the chair nearby, more than aware of the tiredness she seemed to constantly feel lately. She had been downing pre-natal vitamins like candy, but she didn't seem to be feeling much affect from them. "In theory, without the Propofol keeping him sedated, he should. It does all depend on if he is well enough to wake. He should. There was no trauma to his brain save for lack of adequate blood flow for a very brief time. However, the brain can always be responsive to pain levels. It might be enough to keep him unconscious. That's something we can't know right now. The body can't respond to pain in a coma." She picked up Chris' hand and squeeze tightly at his fingers to show Rick what she meant. Chris remained unmoving. She gently took one of Rick's hands and tucked it over Chris'. "In saying that, there is a lot of evidence to say that they might be aware of their surroundings. No one ever knows."
Rick nodded as he sucked on his bottom lip briefly. "Yeah, I've heard about that. It's why it's important to just talk. To let them know you're there. Some people even read to the patients, or play them music. That kinda stuff. Just feels strange when we've never been huge talkers to suddenly just have all this time to just talk to him. You," he added as he looked at Chris. He kept his hand around his brother's and struggled to even know where to start. "I'm sorry you have to go through this, bro. I'm sorry Serena does too. I'm amazed she hasn't come to kick my ass yet, but maybe she's being careful of your kidney I got. I just want you to wake up, Chris. And I'd say I need you, but this time I think it's the other way around and I'm gonna get it right. I'll be here."
Bella rested her hand on Rick's back, rubbing it softly as she listened to him talk to his brother. She knew Chris would have a recuperation period ahead of him when he woke up, and he really would need help and support. She trusted Rick to keep his word on that because from what she had heard, she really wasn't sure Chris would have it in him to take one more knock from his brother. Not now. Not after he had risked his life by giving him a kidney. "She might not know what to say to you," Bella suggested quietly. "None of this is easy. She might be feeling an underlying anger that he got hurt to help you. Once he starts getting a little better, everyone will be relieved. The thing is, love. You're healing quite well and they're going to want to ship you back to Oncology soon. Chris will have to stay here until he is out of the woods. You'll still be able to come see him whenever you want."
"I can't really blame her," he said quietly as he let out a sigh. "I don't think I know what to say to her either. His heart stopped because he was giving me a kidney. It's my fault. I won't blame her if she's angry. Back to Oncology? I guess I get that... Am I gonna be able to leave the hospital soon? I don't want to leave until Chris can. At least I can visit him easily here." He pulled his mouth to the side and looked at Bella. "What if I don't know how to take care of him?"
"It's not rocket science, baby. It's human nature," Bella assured him softly as she folded her hands over her lap and sat hunched forward so she could see his face. "I don't know what level of care he will need, and you won't be in much of a condition for too much hands on heavy anything, but I don't think he'll need that. He might just need someone to cook for him, help him in and out of bed, sitting with him if he's feeling crappy. There's not a lot else to it. I can't promise you'll still be here the whole time he is, Rick. I think you'll get well quicker than he does. Maybe you can ask your Mom to stay until Chris gets out of hospital? She can give you a hand until he does, and then you can look after him when he's home, if Serena can't."
Rick smiled sadly as he gave a shake of his head. He raised his hand like he was going to push his fingers through his hair but dropped it back down into his lap with a rough sigh as he met Bella's gaze. "I've never wanted my Mom so much in my life," he admitted.
Bella smiled at him. "Well, I hear moms are pretty damn awesome when they want to be. Even if we're all thinking we don't need them, we still do. She needs you too, you know. You need each other. She knows you, Rick. She knows your past and she knows how you are. She doesn't blame you for any of it. I know she doesn't, otherwise she wouldn't have been begging me to do whatever it took to save your life." She let out a soft breath and then very softly touched the top of his head with her fingertips. "Do you want to talk about this? It doesn't need to be the elephant in the room, baby. Sans the elephant shaped unconscious baby brother already taking up most of the room."
Rick looked at her with a hint of amusement as he rest his free hand on her thigh. "Is that the elephant we're talking about? I don't know what to say... Other than I don't want to be the reason he dies. I don't want this to be the one thing he gives me that he won't survive. I thought he'd be okay if I stuck around, if I stayed. If I promised... I didn't want this to happen. It wasn't supposed to happen."
"More like the fact that the elephant is that you probably blame yourself for it, not so much that Chris is the elephant. Although, we keep calling him one, and he might want to wake up and thump you," Bella joked and then rubbed his shoulder softly. "I was talking about your hair, sweetheart. The fact you're losing it. Chris is a pretty tough cookie, you know. He could have died on the table, but he didn't. I don't think he's ready to check out yet. I think he's ready for things to start going right, though."
"I just wanted to protect him, but it's hard to do when you're taking a body part from someone. I wasn't even conscious and it's not like I'm a doctor. I couldn't have performed the surgery. Shit, I just want to know how this became such a fucking mess. I can't ever get it right. Of course I blame myself. How can I not?" Rick glanced up like he was trying to see the bandana on his head and sighed. "Do I lose my hair everywhere? How long will it take to grow back... I wanted to ask you to shave it off. I know I could probably ask a nurse, but I don't want it to be just a nurse that does it. It just makes me scared. Even if you think I'm going to get better, there's still more chemo. Still losing my hair. There's no light at the end of the tunnel yet."
Bella gave his hand a firm squeeze. "Hey, you're getting it right this time. You're staying. You're here for him. It's not going to be an overnight process. He didn't have to do this, Rick. He didn't. And I know he nearly didn't, but he was terrified too. He probably seems invincible, and now you're realising he suddenly isn't. He's vulnerable and scared just like you are, but rather than running away, he sticks around and cops it. Just like you're doing right now. I'll tell you too, if you ever skip out on me and this baby, I'll hunt you down and painfully slowly sit and pierce tiny little needles into your balls and the head of your cock for three days straights while you're handcuffed naked to the hood of my car. I'm a very patient person when I want to be," she warned, hoping to get the point across to him. "It doesn't always lose everywhere. Head, eyebrows, pubic hair... sometimes people retain it on their arms and legs, others lose it all over. It will take a few months to grow back. A few months after the chemo stops. It might even grow back different. I used to have dead straight dark blonde hair before I lost mine. It grew back dark and curly, and has been that way ever since. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Rick. If there was no light, I would be telling you that you only had a few months to live. Don't you think a bit more chemo is a small price to pay for your life? Hair is hair. It grows back when the chemicals stop, and fuck, do you know how much people pay for Brazillians these days? Think yourself lucky. If you want to shave your head, you can shave it. You call the shots, Rick. I had my brother shave mine for me... after he shaved his first."
Rick took her hand in his and threaded their fingers together as he fell silent again. He couldn't help that he'd never been a big talker when it came to what was on his mind. He just wasn't. He could joke it off, or ignore it. Change the subject with infuriating regularity, but he knew this time there was no getting away with any of that. Bella would never let him avoid the elephants and for that he was actually grateful. She would keep him in line and he needed that. He was also growing more and more aware of the fact he was all too capable of falling in love with her and the thought didn't even scare him. It just made him wonder how he was supposed to stop himself while she was still his doctor. "I'm not gonna skip out on you and our baby. I'm not that masochistic. I don't mind a few kinks, but that's just cruel. And incredibly visual... I'm not gonna skip out on Chris anymore either. I'm done with that. I'm tired of running, Bella. I just want to be... home." He looked at her and smirked a little. "I like you better with the dark hair. There is such a thing as too many blondes in the world. Think a lack of pubic hair would make my dick look even bigger? Also, for the record, a chick should never be bare down there... Just too much like jailbait."
"Look bigger?" Bella laughed and shook her head. "Are you hearing this, Dr. C? Your brother thinks the Deleo genes need bigger dicks. Way to make us girls feel totally inadequate, huh? He's laughing at you, you know. He's in there laughing at you," she joked and gave Rick a small, affectionate nudge in the arm. "That's a lucky thing right there, because I don't do Brazillians, or half Brazillians, or little lightening bolts or fucking love hearts or anything that constitutes anyone putting hot wax near the most sensitive part of my body and tearing the hair out by the roots. I also don't shave my legs in the winter. Guys can like that or fucking piss off. I'm built for comfort. If I actually had much of a time of the month, I would bitch about that too, but... I don't. Ironic I get knocked up from a contraception failure."
"You really are my dream girl, aren't you?" Rick said with a grin as he winked at her. "And stop talking dirty in front of my brother. It's not fair to tease a man with impotency by talking about your sexy, hairy legs and unwaxed private areas. If you tell me you don't even wear a bra when you're at home then I'm just gonna have to go rumble the chemist for some little blue pills."
Bella smirked and held up her hands. "Guilty as charged, though it's not like I have a whole lot to stick in a bra anyway. They're not going to be hanging around my knees anytime soon. You want to stop talking dirty in front of him? The one who debauched my office pre-operatively, huh? Oh, you didn't know about that little piece of information, did you? Talk about a cowboy cassanova. He was demanding tacos and sex before he went under."
Rick's eyebrows rose as he looked over at his sleeping brother and shook his head in amusement. "Christ, trust my brother to wanna go out like that. I knew about the tacos, but the using your office as a playground I didn't. Hope you sprayed that place with disinfectant. I only want one kind of Deleo sperm going near you."
"I can only get knocked up once, baby," Bella reminded him in amusement. "He tolerated the sex wayyyyy better than the tacos, apparently. Lisa walked in on them, right in the middle of the performance. On her first day. I'm surprised she even came back for a second." She paused and looked over his face. Her conversation with Dave pushed through to the forefront of her mind and she lowered her eyes briefly, wetting her lips. She wasn't sure how she was even supposed to bring the conversation up with him after everything going on with Chris, and himself recovering from major surgery.
Rick frowned a little as he caught her looking at him and then saw how she lowered her eyes. "What? Now you have elephant face."
Bella sighed and then shook her head. "It's okay... it can wait. It should wait. We can talk about it another time," she murmured.
Rick gave a shake of his own head. "No, don't do that to me. Just talk to me. Talk to us," he said as he indicated Chris. "If he's going to have sex in your office then he gets to put up with us talking about stuff in front of him."
Bella looked at Chris, wondering if he could hear her. She might be a fully qualified doctor, but she wasn't sure how much she believed about comatose patients and awareness. Whatever awareness they had, they didn't have much recollection of it when they woke. "I... I spent a lot of time talking to Dave the other day. He was asking how I was, and I was asking how he was because I can't help myself when it comes to my patients. He... admitted to me that he has been having sexual difficulties. That he thought infertility would be the only issue, but there's impotence as well. But it led to him asking about my experience, even though I was young. That he was infertile, it inevitably caused him to question how I got pregnant. Which was fine. I've been asking myself the same thing, but I figure it was just... one of those things. My body was young, not fully developed when I was sick. Maybe I just dodged the bullet. Until he asked me if I could carry full term..." The words choked up in her throat and she couldn't look at him. "And I didn't have an answer."
The impotency wasn't a surprise for Rick to hear about. He figured there'd be issues, and Dave had been a lot sicker than he had. He scratched at the stubble lining his chin and he'd been about to reassure her until the next part came. It knocked the breath out of Rick's lungs and he just sat there stunned. It hadn't even crossed his mind that Bella wouldn't be able to carry the baby full term. He didn't even know what to say to her at first, and he became increasingly aware that he was just staring at her. Rick blinked and shifted a little in the chair to face her more as he struggled to comprehend what that meant. "Can you... Is there a way to find out? Bella, whatever happens... I'm still not running away."
Bella pressed her lips together and swallowed heavily when the urge to throw up was back in full force. She had been trying to be an ostrich with this ever since it came up in conversation, but it just kept haunting her. She hadn't even really visited the notion of how she felt being pregnant in the first place, let alone how she would feel if she suddenly wasn't again. She was looking down at her lap again, a shaking exhalation escaping her. "There's no way to find out. We just... have to wait. I haven't really been thinking much about the whole thing. It's easy to just focus on everything else."
Rick rested his elbow on the armrest of the wheelchair as he sucked on his bottom lip. "Do you... I mean, I... Are you sure you want to go through with the waiting? If it's too much we could just... It's an option." His hands were shaking without him even realising, but what Rick did know was that he was already too attached to the idea of the baby. It was one of the reasons he had to get better and to keep fighting. It was why he needed Chris' kidney.
Bella gave a small shake of her head. "I... I don't... I can't..." She stammered and found herself reflexively putting a hand on her stomach as she met his eyes, her own wide with something she wasn't even sure of. Fear, probably. Nerves. Uncertainty. "This might be my only chance too," she told him, starting to get emotional and teary again... and hating herself for it. In fact, she pushed her hair back and a string of soft cursing escaped in an extremely unladylike fashion.
"Bella, please..." Rick reached up to cup the side of her face and brushed his thumb against her cheek. "I'm sorry. I didn't really mean for you to--I just didn't want you to think you had to go through the pain if you didn't need to. But then, I guess we won't know until we just... wait. I really want this baby--your baby. Our baby. I know it was an accident, but I want it."
Bella looked over his face and then glanced at Chris. She could still clearly picture the scene in her office when he exploded at her. Everything had been so intense and uncertain. "I really thought for a minute there that he wasn't going to come through with this. I really did. He was so scared. He didn't outright admit that, but I could see it in his eyes. It was the exact same look you got in yours when you contemplated him not coming through for you. But even for just that minute, I was faced with the fact that I was pregnant... and the guy who had given me something I never thought I could have might not survive, and I had no idea how to take that. It was almost impossible for me to remain impartial, but all I had to deal with it was keeping my professionalism. Now the dust is settling, and I have to think about it, I just feel like I'm... I don't even know. I'm shitting myself."
Rick nodded, glancing from her to Chris and then back again. "You don't think I am? You're talking to an infamous runner here. I might bolt at any second and then have you chasing after me looking to blend my balls or make them into pincushions. But here's the thing... I'm willing to be scared together. I don't want to run. This is the moment where I pull on my big boy panties and do the right thing. And along the way I get to... you know, get to be with you. Get a chance to see beyond the professionalism when you're not at risk of losing your job. You're giving me something I never thought I'd get as well, you know. You're helping me get my brother, and to make my life mean something."
Bella could feel her emotions slipping again. She choked up and the tears returned. "I'm just... I..." She looked at him helplessly and touched the pendant at her throat just for lack of anything else to do with her restless hands. "I'm scared you're going to check out on me without wanting to," she told him in a choked whisper. It was one of the hardest things for her to say to him as his oncologist. She usually swore to herself to keep the optimism and hope while it was there. He had both on his side, especially now with Chris' kidney. "Please, you have to remember I'm pregnant and I'm irrational, but I'm still your doctor. Being your doctor and being the chick you knocked up who should technically not be able to have kids is fucking with my head, and one is confident and optimistic about your prognosis, but the other is terrified of being left alone and terrified of just about everything else that it all suddenly means."
Rick just felt helpless as she admitted to her fears. He frowned as he looked down at his hands and clenched them into loose fists. "I don't know what I can do so you believe me when I say I'll be sticking around. But I guess my word doesn't exactly mean much."
Bella exhaled heavily and wrapped her hands around his. Her own were trembling, and she realised she probably needed something to eat, even if she would just throw it all back up again. She was squeezing him again. She couldn't help it if she was a bit rough sometimes. It was just like she desperately needed to help him understand where her head was at. "You're the first patient that has ever made me doubt my skills as a doctor," she told him. "That sounds like an insult. It isn't. You're just the one that means everything to me if I fail, and that's a selfish fucking thing to come out of an oncologist's mouth, but I need to be honest with someone. It makes it sound like I don't care about everyone else, but I do. So, so much... but they... you're... you have become part of me."
"You're the same for me. Don't you even realise that? I wake up thinking about how you're doing, and I go to sleep wondering if you're okay. I miss when you don't come see me. I get that you have other patients, and I get that they need you too, but I don't want you as just my doctor. I can't end it with you just as my doctor. I feel like I should apologise for making things so hard for you. For just... upending your way of thinking. I just care about you, Bella. A lot." Rick didn't mind that she was squeezing his hand. At least it made him realise he was still alive. "I'm not going anywhere."
Bella gave a tiny laugh and then met his eyes again. "I'm so tired. I can't seem to shake it. This last week has been one of the hardest of my life, and that's saying something considering my whole thing myself. I don't blame anyone. I don't blame you. I'm still bloody shocked and most of the time, it doesn't even feel real to me. Maybe it will eventually, but I hear all these women talking about feeling pregnant, I have no idea what they mean by that. I'm not sure what my next move is supposed to be. I've never done anything like this before... that isn't to say I don't know people who have, because I do. I'm really not the only oncologist who has done something like this. I probably just take the cake getting myself pregnant," she said with a faint smirk. "Optimistically, you get better with that kidney and get back on your feet, then you might not need an oncologist soon."
Rick managed to get his hand up to touch her hair and ran his fingers through it before tucking some strands behind her ear as he listened to her and kept his gaze on her face. She really was beautiful. Any kid made with Bella was going to be a force to be reckoned with. He felt a twinge in his heart that made him think he maybe wanted a girl. Of course he'd keep them locked up in their rooms until they were too old to actually want to date, and have any interest in sex. "No one's asking you to just accept it straight away. Of course it's a shock. But I'm just... I'm here for you."
Bella looked at him fondly and hunched forward a tiny bit. "You need to focus on getting yourself better," she told him, a hint of chastising in her tone. "I'm pretty tough, despite the fact I know I look pretty shocking now. I'm just avoiding mirrors, and so far blaming my workload is covering my ass with most people. Save for your mom, Tuck and Proctor. They keep giving me this look. You mom is the worst for it. I'm starting to get paranoid. It's actually a relief that some people know. Chris and Serena... Dave... probably Aimee... Lisa. Lisa knows. Chris spilled the beans in front of her when he was tearing me a new one. But it means I don't have to keep putting up the mask all the time. Wearing a mask when you're on your knees with your head in the toilet is really hard to pull off," she joked.
"I'm going to talk to her about it. I need to talk to her about it. I can't keep secrets from her anymore. She deserves to know before the baby is born." Rick shrugged a shoulder slightly. "I just can't find the words. I feel like that's half my problem. I've never had to talk about the serious shit. I'm glad you don't have to wear the mask all the time. You shouldn't have to. It can be a relief to just be yourself with people and to not keep secrets. It's why I'm glad Chris and Serena are out in the open. I know how hard it would have been getting for them to try and keep the masks on. You all already have stressful enough jobs. You don't need to make it worse."
Bella gave him a small smile. "She's your mom, she'll help you find the words. That's what she's there for. I need to tell my family. Aaron is going to hit the roof, I know he is. He's so protective of me, and they all still get worried I'll get sick again. In saying that, he'll love the notion of being an uncle. It's not like he would get any nieces or nephews out of Lewis," she said in amusement. "At least, not without a really good surrogate. Whether we like it or not, sooner or later, I won't be able to hide it."
Rick chuckled a little as he managed to lean forward to kiss her softly. "I don't think being Semi Cancer Guy is going to save me from your big brother once he finds out."
"I'm going to tell him it was an immaculate conception," Bella offered with a smirk. "He likes to think I don't have sex anyway, so it would keep everyone happy, right?"
"Very, very happy," Rick agreed. "At least until I can have sex again."
Bella waved her hand. "I think I'm going out in sympathy. I feel about as sexy as a saggy ass in a mini skirt. Sex just feels like it would take so much damn effort right now," she said and threw him a smirk. It was probably blasphemy to a man.
Rick kissed the back of her hand and gave it a squeeze. "As much as I would argue that point any other time... That kinda comment just proves even more you're my kinda gal."
"You're easily pleased, aren't you?" Bella asked and she was going to continue on teasing him when her stomach suddenly twisted in warning. This was one part of the whole ordeal she would gladly swap for any other symptom. She shot out of her seat. "Hold that thought, and remind me to give you a firm smack in the near future for knocking me up!" she added before she bolted from the room to get to the public bathrooms.
Bella appeared in the doorway of his ICU room and found him sitting on the side of the bed after the nurses had him up a little. He had managed to walk from the bed to the bathroom for a shower, albeit, sitting on a shower chair, but it had to have felt good for him to have a proper shower and not just a wash in the bed. But Bella had requested he not be put back to bed just yet and she gave him a small smile when she saw him sitting there with a glowering look of frustration on his face. The first time up after an op was always a bitch. It was painful and difficult. She wasn't surprised he was in a bad mood. "Oh come on. I could outbitch you at ten paces," she told him as she came over to him, her hands tucked into the pockets of her lab coat over her lavender scrubs.
"That's not fair, you've got hormones," he mumbled as he looked up at her. "I'm just Cancer Guy. Who still has to walk around with a goddamn tube up his dick. You're not lying when you're telling me that the thing's going to come out, is it? Because I'd really like it to just get the hell out of my penis." He rubbed at his face before he looked down at his feet. As hard as it was, it really had been so much better to just walk around. The shower had had him moaning with pleasure. The nurses had snickered, but he hadn't cared. If he was actually capable of an erection he might have had one just from the sheer ecstasy of being out of bed.
"Semi Cancer Guy," Bella corrected, looking down at him with a smirk. "You technically have no tumours anymore. I got the path back. All clear. Once you're on the mend and back on your feet, we can get that next round of chemo into it. It's looking good." She took a couple of steps back and pulled the curtain around the bed, concealing the view from the ICU staff. She was still his doctor, no one would even question the move. She came back over to him and kissed his head softly, scratching her fingers lightly through the back of his hair. "How are you feeling? Do you think you could tolerate being up for a little longer?"
After seeing his mom, it was impossible for Rick not to notice the fact he was losing his hair. He reached out to catch Bella's free hand and gave it a squeeze as he tried not to think about the fact that her gesture might actually pull out some more strands. "So how long do we keep up with the chemo? How long until I'm... Cancer Remission Guy? Have you heard anything about Chris? I'm okay. I'm losing my hair and my Mom's here... But I can stay up a little longer. I've just been missing you."
Bella leaned over and kissed his hand before she slowly pulled a blue and black bandana out of her pocket and held it up, tilting her head slightly. She didn't ask him permission or wait for any protests, She just folded it over and wrapped it around his head, tying it carefully at the back of his head. She stepped back a little to admiring her handiwork, whistling with a wink of satisfaction. "Hot," she decided with a nod. "I've just come from there. He's in the hands of CV now. Dave's girlfriend, Aimee, is actually assigned his case along with her superior, Dr Sable. He can't have a better doctor, Rick, I promise. She's amazing. That's why I'm here. How would you feel about going and seeing him?"
Rick's nose was scrunched up at the fact she was putting a bandana on him, but he more than appreciated the thought. It meant she wasn't just his doctor right then. She cared about him. The truth was he was close to just asking her to shave his head. It had to be easier than losing his hair. He just wasn't sure Bella would have it in her to do it. He smirked at her after a moment. "Hot, huh? Well, I guess I can live with that. Do I get a flash of skin for it? Can't leave a guy out in the cold with just memories to keep him warm." Rick listened as he started to frown a little before the shock showed on his face. "See Chris? That would... Yeah, of course I want to see Chris. Is it allowed?"
"What can I say? I like the bad boy look. Gets me all hot and bothered." Bella tugged up her scrubs shirt and pointed at her belly. "All I can offer love. Scrubs aren't exactly built for a strip show. Of course it's allowed. You're his brother. The only reason you couldn't before was because we needed you to stay in bed for forty eight hours post-op to monitor you. There's not been a lot of change. His blood pressure has come up a little and he doesn't look as pale. He has a bit of a rash over his throat and arms, but it's an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics they put him on. It's nothing to worry about. It's just a little confronting to see it. Serena nearly crapped herself when she got here this morning and saw it. Poor thing."
Rick smiled and touched his fingers to her belly as he brushed them over the still smooth skin. He thought about his kid in there and it made him smile even more. "I'm sure I'll deal. How are you feeling? Jesus, poor Serena... I can't believe how much she's had to deal with, but she is still here. She's still by his side. That's something. It's a big something. I can't thank her enough. Has he still got all the machinery? So now he's spotty and looking like a science experiment? Am I walking to his room?"
"No, you bloody aren't," Bella told him firmly. "You've been up enough for today. I'll take you in a chair. Your mother, Serena, Dave, Serena's brother, Proctor... they've all been coming and going with monotonous regularity. He hasn't been alone once." She pulled the curtain back again and went over to get the chair she had left just outside the room, wheeling it over to him. She locked the brakes and then slipped her arm around his waist. "Okay, on three. Just take it easy..." She helped him into the chair slowly, making sure he wasn't going to burst any sutures or hurt himself. "He's still much the same, love. I think his doctors are in discussion with Dave as we speak about stopping the Propofol, but we'll see what comes of it. Dave seemed reluctant. Me? Crap, but it's fine. Nothing to worry about."
"Why is he reluctant," Rick asked, trying to get his head around what was happening with his brother. "Of course he wouldn't be alone. Everyone loves Dr C. I don't mean that to be snarky, it's a fact. He's always been like that." Rick positioned his feet on the foot rests and looked up at Bella. He kept his voice low now that the curtain was open and they weren't so alone. "Bella... after I get out of here, and assuming the kidney is still working and I ever get this tube outta my dick, will you let me take you out on a date? How can I not worry about you? Have you, ah... met my mother yet?"
"All they're worried about is how sick he is. It's not about how popular he is. It's almost like they need to keep seeing with their own eyes that his heart is still beating. Dave was reluctant because Proctor was. He asked the guy's medical opinion, and Proctor thinks it isn't going to hurt to keep Chris under for another day or two. He's thinking like a trauma surgeon, the transplant guys are thinking like transplant surgeons. Their aim is to get Chris awake to see that his body is functioning on one kidney. Proctor, on the other hand, is seeing the perforation as a traumatic injury and believes the body needs time to heal that before it would be strong enough to function the kidney. It all comes down to medical opinion, as many medical things usually do. With Dave in the driver's seat needing to actually make the call." Bella moved behind him and took the brakes off so she could start wheeling him slowly out of the room. "You get better for me and then we'll talk about date, okay? Yeah, I'm blackmailing you. I'll resort to dirty tactics to get you well if I need to."
Rick nodded as he listened. It made sense to him, and personally he sided with Proctor and Dave. If it meant Chris' body had more chance to heal than he should be kept under. He wasn't sure what to do with his hands at first with Bella being the one to push him in the chair, but eventually he just rested them in his lap. "So what happens if they wake him up and his body can't function with the one kidney? Will Chris have to have dialysis? As for playing dirty, that's just gonna make me not want to cooperate with you just to see what you come out with. Personally I vote for scrubs that are conducive to a striptease."
"Or find a donor for him to replace the kidney he lost," Bella explained. "Which I know sounds really fucked up in essence, but it's actually an extremely common thing. People do it all the time. One person gives a kidney because they're a perfect match and then someone else replaces it who originally wanted to be the donor but couldn't because they weren't a match with the original patient. Kidneys are a pretty resilient organ. Oh, baby, never mess with a pregnant doctor who wants to play dirty. I'm more likely to resort to putting you on a high fibre diet or insisting the cath stays another week. Cooperating will be far more fun for you. I'm more likely to reward kindly than punish kindly."
Rick tilted his head back to look at her and frowned. "He'd need a donor for the kidney in me? So he'd have one kidney that was his, and one that was... someone else's. Mom was angry that she hadn't been given a chance to save me. I don't know if I could deal with it any better knowing Mom was the one in Chris' shoes. Do you think it would have gone differently?" He looked forward again, and reached a hand up to touch the bandana on his head. "Cooperation means kind rewards... This might be the only time I will ever cooperate so willingly, Dr Watson."
Bella frowned in thought for a moment. "I don't know, love. I don't think your mom would have been as close a match for you as Chris was. At the end of the day, a brother or a sister will always be a preferred choice because you share the same genes and the same parents. About the only thing that would have been different in essence was that Chris wouldn't be hooked up to machines in an ICU right now. He would be a spectator only. I guess that right there is exactly what your mom would prefer. It has to been an almost unbearable thing for her to know you're both ill." She looked down at him with a small smirk. "That's what you say, Baby Daddy. I'll have you by the short and curlies, you watch," she joked as they reached the door of Chris' room. She checked who was in there and when she saw that no one was, looked up the hall at the coffee machine to see Serena there with Drew. There was never someone very far away from Chris, but for now, Rick had clear way for some time with his brother. He was going to need it. She wheeled him into the room and up to the side of the bed so Rick could see Chris' face and then locked the brakes on the wheelchair again.
"That's what I thought, but I wasn't sure. I didn't really know what to say to her. I know I did wrong by her. I know I fucked up. I should have at least told her I had cancer. But at the end of the day, I'm a coward. I just wanted to ignore it." He cleared his throat as he shifted in the chair and tried to ignore the fact that he wanted to burst into tears at the sight of his brother. It was doing his head in with all this crying. He wished like hell Chris didn't have to go through this. He also wished like hell he'd just stop bloody crying. "Are you sure he'll wake up?"
Bella sat down on the chair nearby, more than aware of the tiredness she seemed to constantly feel lately. She had been downing pre-natal vitamins like candy, but she didn't seem to be feeling much affect from them. "In theory, without the Propofol keeping him sedated, he should. It does all depend on if he is well enough to wake. He should. There was no trauma to his brain save for lack of adequate blood flow for a very brief time. However, the brain can always be responsive to pain levels. It might be enough to keep him unconscious. That's something we can't know right now. The body can't respond to pain in a coma." She picked up Chris' hand and squeeze tightly at his fingers to show Rick what she meant. Chris remained unmoving. She gently took one of Rick's hands and tucked it over Chris'. "In saying that, there is a lot of evidence to say that they might be aware of their surroundings. No one ever knows."
Rick nodded as he sucked on his bottom lip briefly. "Yeah, I've heard about that. It's why it's important to just talk. To let them know you're there. Some people even read to the patients, or play them music. That kinda stuff. Just feels strange when we've never been huge talkers to suddenly just have all this time to just talk to him. You," he added as he looked at Chris. He kept his hand around his brother's and struggled to even know where to start. "I'm sorry you have to go through this, bro. I'm sorry Serena does too. I'm amazed she hasn't come to kick my ass yet, but maybe she's being careful of your kidney I got. I just want you to wake up, Chris. And I'd say I need you, but this time I think it's the other way around and I'm gonna get it right. I'll be here."
Bella rested her hand on Rick's back, rubbing it softly as she listened to him talk to his brother. She knew Chris would have a recuperation period ahead of him when he woke up, and he really would need help and support. She trusted Rick to keep his word on that because from what she had heard, she really wasn't sure Chris would have it in him to take one more knock from his brother. Not now. Not after he had risked his life by giving him a kidney. "She might not know what to say to you," Bella suggested quietly. "None of this is easy. She might be feeling an underlying anger that he got hurt to help you. Once he starts getting a little better, everyone will be relieved. The thing is, love. You're healing quite well and they're going to want to ship you back to Oncology soon. Chris will have to stay here until he is out of the woods. You'll still be able to come see him whenever you want."
"I can't really blame her," he said quietly as he let out a sigh. "I don't think I know what to say to her either. His heart stopped because he was giving me a kidney. It's my fault. I won't blame her if she's angry. Back to Oncology? I guess I get that... Am I gonna be able to leave the hospital soon? I don't want to leave until Chris can. At least I can visit him easily here." He pulled his mouth to the side and looked at Bella. "What if I don't know how to take care of him?"
"It's not rocket science, baby. It's human nature," Bella assured him softly as she folded her hands over her lap and sat hunched forward so she could see his face. "I don't know what level of care he will need, and you won't be in much of a condition for too much hands on heavy anything, but I don't think he'll need that. He might just need someone to cook for him, help him in and out of bed, sitting with him if he's feeling crappy. There's not a lot else to it. I can't promise you'll still be here the whole time he is, Rick. I think you'll get well quicker than he does. Maybe you can ask your Mom to stay until Chris gets out of hospital? She can give you a hand until he does, and then you can look after him when he's home, if Serena can't."
Rick smiled sadly as he gave a shake of his head. He raised his hand like he was going to push his fingers through his hair but dropped it back down into his lap with a rough sigh as he met Bella's gaze. "I've never wanted my Mom so much in my life," he admitted.
Bella smiled at him. "Well, I hear moms are pretty damn awesome when they want to be. Even if we're all thinking we don't need them, we still do. She needs you too, you know. You need each other. She knows you, Rick. She knows your past and she knows how you are. She doesn't blame you for any of it. I know she doesn't, otherwise she wouldn't have been begging me to do whatever it took to save your life." She let out a soft breath and then very softly touched the top of his head with her fingertips. "Do you want to talk about this? It doesn't need to be the elephant in the room, baby. Sans the elephant shaped unconscious baby brother already taking up most of the room."
Rick looked at her with a hint of amusement as he rest his free hand on her thigh. "Is that the elephant we're talking about? I don't know what to say... Other than I don't want to be the reason he dies. I don't want this to be the one thing he gives me that he won't survive. I thought he'd be okay if I stuck around, if I stayed. If I promised... I didn't want this to happen. It wasn't supposed to happen."
"More like the fact that the elephant is that you probably blame yourself for it, not so much that Chris is the elephant. Although, we keep calling him one, and he might want to wake up and thump you," Bella joked and then rubbed his shoulder softly. "I was talking about your hair, sweetheart. The fact you're losing it. Chris is a pretty tough cookie, you know. He could have died on the table, but he didn't. I don't think he's ready to check out yet. I think he's ready for things to start going right, though."
"I just wanted to protect him, but it's hard to do when you're taking a body part from someone. I wasn't even conscious and it's not like I'm a doctor. I couldn't have performed the surgery. Shit, I just want to know how this became such a fucking mess. I can't ever get it right. Of course I blame myself. How can I not?" Rick glanced up like he was trying to see the bandana on his head and sighed. "Do I lose my hair everywhere? How long will it take to grow back... I wanted to ask you to shave it off. I know I could probably ask a nurse, but I don't want it to be just a nurse that does it. It just makes me scared. Even if you think I'm going to get better, there's still more chemo. Still losing my hair. There's no light at the end of the tunnel yet."
Bella gave his hand a firm squeeze. "Hey, you're getting it right this time. You're staying. You're here for him. It's not going to be an overnight process. He didn't have to do this, Rick. He didn't. And I know he nearly didn't, but he was terrified too. He probably seems invincible, and now you're realising he suddenly isn't. He's vulnerable and scared just like you are, but rather than running away, he sticks around and cops it. Just like you're doing right now. I'll tell you too, if you ever skip out on me and this baby, I'll hunt you down and painfully slowly sit and pierce tiny little needles into your balls and the head of your cock for three days straights while you're handcuffed naked to the hood of my car. I'm a very patient person when I want to be," she warned, hoping to get the point across to him. "It doesn't always lose everywhere. Head, eyebrows, pubic hair... sometimes people retain it on their arms and legs, others lose it all over. It will take a few months to grow back. A few months after the chemo stops. It might even grow back different. I used to have dead straight dark blonde hair before I lost mine. It grew back dark and curly, and has been that way ever since. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Rick. If there was no light, I would be telling you that you only had a few months to live. Don't you think a bit more chemo is a small price to pay for your life? Hair is hair. It grows back when the chemicals stop, and fuck, do you know how much people pay for Brazillians these days? Think yourself lucky. If you want to shave your head, you can shave it. You call the shots, Rick. I had my brother shave mine for me... after he shaved his first."
Rick took her hand in his and threaded their fingers together as he fell silent again. He couldn't help that he'd never been a big talker when it came to what was on his mind. He just wasn't. He could joke it off, or ignore it. Change the subject with infuriating regularity, but he knew this time there was no getting away with any of that. Bella would never let him avoid the elephants and for that he was actually grateful. She would keep him in line and he needed that. He was also growing more and more aware of the fact he was all too capable of falling in love with her and the thought didn't even scare him. It just made him wonder how he was supposed to stop himself while she was still his doctor. "I'm not gonna skip out on you and our baby. I'm not that masochistic. I don't mind a few kinks, but that's just cruel. And incredibly visual... I'm not gonna skip out on Chris anymore either. I'm done with that. I'm tired of running, Bella. I just want to be... home." He looked at her and smirked a little. "I like you better with the dark hair. There is such a thing as too many blondes in the world. Think a lack of pubic hair would make my dick look even bigger? Also, for the record, a chick should never be bare down there... Just too much like jailbait."
"Look bigger?" Bella laughed and shook her head. "Are you hearing this, Dr. C? Your brother thinks the Deleo genes need bigger dicks. Way to make us girls feel totally inadequate, huh? He's laughing at you, you know. He's in there laughing at you," she joked and gave Rick a small, affectionate nudge in the arm. "That's a lucky thing right there, because I don't do Brazillians, or half Brazillians, or little lightening bolts or fucking love hearts or anything that constitutes anyone putting hot wax near the most sensitive part of my body and tearing the hair out by the roots. I also don't shave my legs in the winter. Guys can like that or fucking piss off. I'm built for comfort. If I actually had much of a time of the month, I would bitch about that too, but... I don't. Ironic I get knocked up from a contraception failure."
"You really are my dream girl, aren't you?" Rick said with a grin as he winked at her. "And stop talking dirty in front of my brother. It's not fair to tease a man with impotency by talking about your sexy, hairy legs and unwaxed private areas. If you tell me you don't even wear a bra when you're at home then I'm just gonna have to go rumble the chemist for some little blue pills."
Bella smirked and held up her hands. "Guilty as charged, though it's not like I have a whole lot to stick in a bra anyway. They're not going to be hanging around my knees anytime soon. You want to stop talking dirty in front of him? The one who debauched my office pre-operatively, huh? Oh, you didn't know about that little piece of information, did you? Talk about a cowboy cassanova. He was demanding tacos and sex before he went under."
Rick's eyebrows rose as he looked over at his sleeping brother and shook his head in amusement. "Christ, trust my brother to wanna go out like that. I knew about the tacos, but the using your office as a playground I didn't. Hope you sprayed that place with disinfectant. I only want one kind of Deleo sperm going near you."
"I can only get knocked up once, baby," Bella reminded him in amusement. "He tolerated the sex wayyyyy better than the tacos, apparently. Lisa walked in on them, right in the middle of the performance. On her first day. I'm surprised she even came back for a second." She paused and looked over his face. Her conversation with Dave pushed through to the forefront of her mind and she lowered her eyes briefly, wetting her lips. She wasn't sure how she was even supposed to bring the conversation up with him after everything going on with Chris, and himself recovering from major surgery.
Rick frowned a little as he caught her looking at him and then saw how she lowered her eyes. "What? Now you have elephant face."
Bella sighed and then shook her head. "It's okay... it can wait. It should wait. We can talk about it another time," she murmured.
Rick gave a shake of his own head. "No, don't do that to me. Just talk to me. Talk to us," he said as he indicated Chris. "If he's going to have sex in your office then he gets to put up with us talking about stuff in front of him."
Bella looked at Chris, wondering if he could hear her. She might be a fully qualified doctor, but she wasn't sure how much she believed about comatose patients and awareness. Whatever awareness they had, they didn't have much recollection of it when they woke. "I... I spent a lot of time talking to Dave the other day. He was asking how I was, and I was asking how he was because I can't help myself when it comes to my patients. He... admitted to me that he has been having sexual difficulties. That he thought infertility would be the only issue, but there's impotence as well. But it led to him asking about my experience, even though I was young. That he was infertile, it inevitably caused him to question how I got pregnant. Which was fine. I've been asking myself the same thing, but I figure it was just... one of those things. My body was young, not fully developed when I was sick. Maybe I just dodged the bullet. Until he asked me if I could carry full term..." The words choked up in her throat and she couldn't look at him. "And I didn't have an answer."
The impotency wasn't a surprise for Rick to hear about. He figured there'd be issues, and Dave had been a lot sicker than he had. He scratched at the stubble lining his chin and he'd been about to reassure her until the next part came. It knocked the breath out of Rick's lungs and he just sat there stunned. It hadn't even crossed his mind that Bella wouldn't be able to carry the baby full term. He didn't even know what to say to her at first, and he became increasingly aware that he was just staring at her. Rick blinked and shifted a little in the chair to face her more as he struggled to comprehend what that meant. "Can you... Is there a way to find out? Bella, whatever happens... I'm still not running away."
Bella pressed her lips together and swallowed heavily when the urge to throw up was back in full force. She had been trying to be an ostrich with this ever since it came up in conversation, but it just kept haunting her. She hadn't even really visited the notion of how she felt being pregnant in the first place, let alone how she would feel if she suddenly wasn't again. She was looking down at her lap again, a shaking exhalation escaping her. "There's no way to find out. We just... have to wait. I haven't really been thinking much about the whole thing. It's easy to just focus on everything else."
Rick rested his elbow on the armrest of the wheelchair as he sucked on his bottom lip. "Do you... I mean, I... Are you sure you want to go through with the waiting? If it's too much we could just... It's an option." His hands were shaking without him even realising, but what Rick did know was that he was already too attached to the idea of the baby. It was one of the reasons he had to get better and to keep fighting. It was why he needed Chris' kidney.
Bella gave a small shake of her head. "I... I don't... I can't..." She stammered and found herself reflexively putting a hand on her stomach as she met his eyes, her own wide with something she wasn't even sure of. Fear, probably. Nerves. Uncertainty. "This might be my only chance too," she told him, starting to get emotional and teary again... and hating herself for it. In fact, she pushed her hair back and a string of soft cursing escaped in an extremely unladylike fashion.
"Bella, please..." Rick reached up to cup the side of her face and brushed his thumb against her cheek. "I'm sorry. I didn't really mean for you to--I just didn't want you to think you had to go through the pain if you didn't need to. But then, I guess we won't know until we just... wait. I really want this baby--your baby. Our baby. I know it was an accident, but I want it."
Bella looked over his face and then glanced at Chris. She could still clearly picture the scene in her office when he exploded at her. Everything had been so intense and uncertain. "I really thought for a minute there that he wasn't going to come through with this. I really did. He was so scared. He didn't outright admit that, but I could see it in his eyes. It was the exact same look you got in yours when you contemplated him not coming through for you. But even for just that minute, I was faced with the fact that I was pregnant... and the guy who had given me something I never thought I could have might not survive, and I had no idea how to take that. It was almost impossible for me to remain impartial, but all I had to deal with it was keeping my professionalism. Now the dust is settling, and I have to think about it, I just feel like I'm... I don't even know. I'm shitting myself."
Rick nodded, glancing from her to Chris and then back again. "You don't think I am? You're talking to an infamous runner here. I might bolt at any second and then have you chasing after me looking to blend my balls or make them into pincushions. But here's the thing... I'm willing to be scared together. I don't want to run. This is the moment where I pull on my big boy panties and do the right thing. And along the way I get to... you know, get to be with you. Get a chance to see beyond the professionalism when you're not at risk of losing your job. You're giving me something I never thought I'd get as well, you know. You're helping me get my brother, and to make my life mean something."
Bella could feel her emotions slipping again. She choked up and the tears returned. "I'm just... I..." She looked at him helplessly and touched the pendant at her throat just for lack of anything else to do with her restless hands. "I'm scared you're going to check out on me without wanting to," she told him in a choked whisper. It was one of the hardest things for her to say to him as his oncologist. She usually swore to herself to keep the optimism and hope while it was there. He had both on his side, especially now with Chris' kidney. "Please, you have to remember I'm pregnant and I'm irrational, but I'm still your doctor. Being your doctor and being the chick you knocked up who should technically not be able to have kids is fucking with my head, and one is confident and optimistic about your prognosis, but the other is terrified of being left alone and terrified of just about everything else that it all suddenly means."
Rick just felt helpless as she admitted to her fears. He frowned as he looked down at his hands and clenched them into loose fists. "I don't know what I can do so you believe me when I say I'll be sticking around. But I guess my word doesn't exactly mean much."
Bella exhaled heavily and wrapped her hands around his. Her own were trembling, and she realised she probably needed something to eat, even if she would just throw it all back up again. She was squeezing him again. She couldn't help it if she was a bit rough sometimes. It was just like she desperately needed to help him understand where her head was at. "You're the first patient that has ever made me doubt my skills as a doctor," she told him. "That sounds like an insult. It isn't. You're just the one that means everything to me if I fail, and that's a selfish fucking thing to come out of an oncologist's mouth, but I need to be honest with someone. It makes it sound like I don't care about everyone else, but I do. So, so much... but they... you're... you have become part of me."
"You're the same for me. Don't you even realise that? I wake up thinking about how you're doing, and I go to sleep wondering if you're okay. I miss when you don't come see me. I get that you have other patients, and I get that they need you too, but I don't want you as just my doctor. I can't end it with you just as my doctor. I feel like I should apologise for making things so hard for you. For just... upending your way of thinking. I just care about you, Bella. A lot." Rick didn't mind that she was squeezing his hand. At least it made him realise he was still alive. "I'm not going anywhere."
Bella gave a tiny laugh and then met his eyes again. "I'm so tired. I can't seem to shake it. This last week has been one of the hardest of my life, and that's saying something considering my whole thing myself. I don't blame anyone. I don't blame you. I'm still bloody shocked and most of the time, it doesn't even feel real to me. Maybe it will eventually, but I hear all these women talking about feeling pregnant, I have no idea what they mean by that. I'm not sure what my next move is supposed to be. I've never done anything like this before... that isn't to say I don't know people who have, because I do. I'm really not the only oncologist who has done something like this. I probably just take the cake getting myself pregnant," she said with a faint smirk. "Optimistically, you get better with that kidney and get back on your feet, then you might not need an oncologist soon."
Rick managed to get his hand up to touch her hair and ran his fingers through it before tucking some strands behind her ear as he listened to her and kept his gaze on her face. She really was beautiful. Any kid made with Bella was going to be a force to be reckoned with. He felt a twinge in his heart that made him think he maybe wanted a girl. Of course he'd keep them locked up in their rooms until they were too old to actually want to date, and have any interest in sex. "No one's asking you to just accept it straight away. Of course it's a shock. But I'm just... I'm here for you."
Bella looked at him fondly and hunched forward a tiny bit. "You need to focus on getting yourself better," she told him, a hint of chastising in her tone. "I'm pretty tough, despite the fact I know I look pretty shocking now. I'm just avoiding mirrors, and so far blaming my workload is covering my ass with most people. Save for your mom, Tuck and Proctor. They keep giving me this look. You mom is the worst for it. I'm starting to get paranoid. It's actually a relief that some people know. Chris and Serena... Dave... probably Aimee... Lisa. Lisa knows. Chris spilled the beans in front of her when he was tearing me a new one. But it means I don't have to keep putting up the mask all the time. Wearing a mask when you're on your knees with your head in the toilet is really hard to pull off," she joked.
"I'm going to talk to her about it. I need to talk to her about it. I can't keep secrets from her anymore. She deserves to know before the baby is born." Rick shrugged a shoulder slightly. "I just can't find the words. I feel like that's half my problem. I've never had to talk about the serious shit. I'm glad you don't have to wear the mask all the time. You shouldn't have to. It can be a relief to just be yourself with people and to not keep secrets. It's why I'm glad Chris and Serena are out in the open. I know how hard it would have been getting for them to try and keep the masks on. You all already have stressful enough jobs. You don't need to make it worse."
Bella gave him a small smile. "She's your mom, she'll help you find the words. That's what she's there for. I need to tell my family. Aaron is going to hit the roof, I know he is. He's so protective of me, and they all still get worried I'll get sick again. In saying that, he'll love the notion of being an uncle. It's not like he would get any nieces or nephews out of Lewis," she said in amusement. "At least, not without a really good surrogate. Whether we like it or not, sooner or later, I won't be able to hide it."
Rick chuckled a little as he managed to lean forward to kiss her softly. "I don't think being Semi Cancer Guy is going to save me from your big brother once he finds out."
"I'm going to tell him it was an immaculate conception," Bella offered with a smirk. "He likes to think I don't have sex anyway, so it would keep everyone happy, right?"
"Very, very happy," Rick agreed. "At least until I can have sex again."
Bella waved her hand. "I think I'm going out in sympathy. I feel about as sexy as a saggy ass in a mini skirt. Sex just feels like it would take so much damn effort right now," she said and threw him a smirk. It was probably blasphemy to a man.
Rick kissed the back of her hand and gave it a squeeze. "As much as I would argue that point any other time... That kinda comment just proves even more you're my kinda gal."
"You're easily pleased, aren't you?" Bella asked and she was going to continue on teasing him when her stomach suddenly twisted in warning. This was one part of the whole ordeal she would gladly swap for any other symptom. She shot out of her seat. "Hold that thought, and remind me to give you a firm smack in the near future for knocking me up!" she added before she bolted from the room to get to the public bathrooms.