RP Log with halfway2heaven | Confessions
Chris had left the office so quickly that even by the time Bella pulled herself out of the metaphorical blow that came with his warning and went to follow him to try and tell him Rick's condition was worsening, he was gone. And really, he probably didn't want to even look at her anymore, anyway, so he might not have even listened without wanting to tear her another new one. She swore that she now had two buttholes after the encounter with Rick's brother. For a moment, Bella actually considered calling Dave, but she remembered the conversation with Lisa and Dave only having three hours sleep or something along those lines. As much as she didn't want to flame the situation any further, she picked up her cell and punched in a really quick text to Serena telling her Chris was here at the hospital and probably really needed her.
But then she had to face the music, and she was petrified. She didn't really know why, but she was. She suspected deep down that this was more to do with her demons than any Rick could throw at her of his own, but Chris was right. Rick deserved to know. It wasn't a fact she had been disputing at all, but with his health deteriorating, she hadn't wanted to lay any of this on him. He really did not seem the father type after knocking up random chicks, and she wasn't sure she could handle both Deleo brothers tearing her new ones in less than an hour. What she really wanted to do was sit down in the middle of her office and cry her heart out like she used to do when she was five years old. Something Chris had said had knocked her for a six, even if she had kept her cool outwardly while he was so angry. Rick's future chances of being a father. It was something she hadn't considered until Chris was shoving the question in her face.
As she approached Rick's room with her head down, she found half of her praying he was asleep, but the other half hoping he wasn't so she could just get this over with. It felt like nothing good could come of this. She felt sick, and she felt shaking and unsteady. That was before she even stopped to consider that her brand new nurse now knew her secret when no one else did. By the time she got to the room of Rick's private room, her hands were shaking and she shoved them into the pockets of her lab coat as she came inside. He was awake. Awake and looking at her. For a few moments, they just looked at each other, Rick obviously expecting her to say something doctorly but any words Bella probably needed were dying in her throat. She felt shell-shocked in the wake of Hurricane C and this was either the eye or the storm, or the unstable aftermath.
"I need to talk to you," she said quietly.
"If you're after a spare kidney, I'm fresh out. Also not sure they'd have been fresh anyway. Although if you want it real cheap, I got one left..." Rick was aiming for a joking, but Bella's expression really wasn't helping him. Any time someone said 'I need to talk to you' he just knew it wasn't good news. He just hoped he wasn't about to find out he was going to die tomorrow. He knew the swelling in his groin had gotten worse and when Lisa had been in to take his obs again he'd got a little info out of her. He really did need another kidney soon, or it was going to be straight onto dialysis so that he could get the next round of chemo.
He also hadn't heard a word from Chris and he was trying not to be worried. Even if Chris didn't want to give up a kidney he still wanted his brother here. He didn't want to go through any of this alone. He tried to pull himself up into a sitting position but he was struggling and had to resort to the bed remote again. He missed being able to do things like sit up without getting cords tangled. "What's going on?"
Bella had to sit down before she fell down. She actually envied him and his electric bed, and it was tempting to push him out of it and crawl into it herself to hide under the covers and never come out again. She took the stool from beside the door and kicked it with her foot over to beside his bed and then sat down on it, her hands still stuffed in her pockets. If she took them out, he would see what a mess she was, and seriously, shaking hands weren't a good look for a surgeon at all. She was tired and hair was falling out of the elastic she had pulled it back in at the nape of her neck earlier, but she couldn't even be bothered fixing it. Instead, she sat there in silence again for probably a few more infuriating minutes, her hair hanging in her eyes. There was no laughing at his joke, even if she appreciated the attempt. If she tried to laugh, she would start to cry, or would probably throw up, maybe both at the same time, which was a bad idea to start with.
Procrastination was tempting, but so was running away. If she did either, she would never see Rick again. "I'm pregnant."
Rick had just been watching Bella, hating the silence. He might have missed her, but he wasn't sure if he wanted her there when all she did was make him feel on edge. Maybe he was dying. Considering she'd cried and thrown up when she'd told him he was going to lose his other kidney, maybe stunned silence was a viable reaction to hearing that Rick was going to check out sooner rather than later. And she'd finally spoken and Rick wanted to somehow catch the words and stuff them back into her mouth until she said something he was at least a little prepared for. "What?"
Bella winced a little and closed her eyes. Now he wanted her to repeat it. As if saying it the first time wasn't hard enough. It was stupid to just expect him to take it and absorb it immediately, though. Didn't mean she hadn't hoped for it, though. "Pregnant..." she repeated and opened her eyes to look up at him from under her hair. Her shoulders were hunched forward by the way she had her hands hidden. "I'm... pregnant. With a baby." Stupid comment, but then, she had gotten herself willinging into a stupid situation so it wasn't any surprise.
"Oh..." Rick's face fell before he even realised it, like he was disappointed. But he couldn't even really put his finger on why. It was like he assumed she was telling him because he was the father, but that was stupid. They'd had sex twice, and both times there had been protection. It had to be Tuck's, or maybe someone else. Someone that wasn't a patient and didn't make things complicated for her. It wasn't like he wanted to be the father, right? He wasn't ready. He had cancer. They weren't even together. He pressed his lips together before clearing his throat and reached up to scratch at his head. "Who's baby? I'm sorry, I just... I feel really thick all of a sudden. Nothing seems to be going in and you're pregnant with a baby. You're sitting there all pregnant." He looked at her again, and something in his stomach twisted. Of course it was his. She hadn't been with anyone else, hadn't even talked about anyone else. She was sitting there pregnant with his baby and all he could do was stare. "But we... I... I don't... Pregnant."
Bella nodded numbly. "Yep," she said hoarsely. "You get a tumour, I get a fetus. Ironic..." She pressed her lips together with a hint of a smile before she was folding the edges of her lab coat over her lap by the pockets when she felt scrutinised under the stare. "I know we did, but we fucked up, plain and simple. I wish I could tell you I had ten other guys to ease your conscience, or something, but I didn't. You were the first guy I've been with in around a year, and as nice as the name is, I'm no Virgin Mary. I haven't known for long, I haven't purposefully kept it from you. I was going to tell you, but I didn't think you would be able to swallow the information about the kidney failure and this all in one go. I couldn't even stomach it. Even if the fact I lied to you about bad chicken makes me a huge bitch, I was just trying to do the best I could, and your health is my priority, above everything else."
This time it was Rick's turn not to smile at her joke, even if somewhere deep down he did appreciate it. He blinked to stop staring and scratched at his head again as he looked at his feet under the covers. She was pregnant. It was all that was going through his head until his face crumpled and he could feel the tears running down his cheeks. He had wanted Bella, and he had wanted to have his last shot at sex before the chemo started and now he was finding out she was pregnant. It was the whole reason for him grilling her about the side effects of chemo in the first place - he'd wanted to keep the option for a family there if he ever decided he wanted one. Now he had one. It was all too much, and all he could do was cry. He wasn't proud of it, but something just had to give.
"I swear, I am destined to be drowned in Deleo tears today..." Bella murmured as she pushed forward to shift from the stool to the side of his bed so she could hug him. She rested her cheek against the side of his head and rubbed his back slowly. She couldn't know what he was thinking or feeling about this. Everything he had said and Chris had said, she just couldn't shake the thought that he wouldn't want a kid out of the blue like this. That was without even considering the cancer. Bella's feelings were a whole other story. She was terrified, but she didn't even know what to think or how to feel after thinking for so long she couldn't have kids. It was like she was waiting for someone to show up and tell her it was all some sort of sick joke. She wanted to want it, but she was scared to want it also. Especially not when Rick might die and never be a part of the baby's life anyway... if he even wanted to on some level.
Rick didn't even take the comment in at first, not sure he was ready to acknowledge the fact that his brother seemed to have already lost it in front of Bella. He just didn't know how he was supposed to deal with it. It would probably mean that Chris wasn't ready to give up his kidney, and how could Rick ever really blame him? He hugged her tightly until he thought about the fetus inside her and loosened his grip just a little. His baby was in there. His baby. He had never been one for believing that things happened for a reason, but Bella had told him kids weren't possible for her. That she'd been told they weren't possible. And yet, here she was pregnant. They'd made a baby. "Are you keeping it?" he asked her in a small voice, eyes still tightly closed against the tears.
This time it was Bella's turn to abruptly burst into tears. In fact, it took her by such a surprise, she actually gave a gasp of a laugh in response and gripped her hands around a handful of his hospital gown like he would serve as some sort of life-preserver. "I have to," she choked out through a sob. "I don't know if I can do it, or how the hell to cope with my life, and a baby, but I can't not keep it because I don't know if it's my only chance. I might never get another chance. That doesn't mean I know what the hell I'm bloody doing, because I don't. I haven't let myself think about it."
Rick nodded against her chest, and didn't make any move to pull away. Right then it felt good to just be hugged. And then she'd started crying, and he wanted to do nothing but comfort her. Hold her. Help her. Even as useless as he was feeling. "Good, because... what if it's my only chance, too? And I know it's probably not what I'm supposed to say, but I'm glad it's you. I'm glad I could give you this. Even if it is fucked up, and not exactly what I was expecting."
Bella pulled back, even if the tears were still pouring down her face. She had learnt these past few days that when they did that, she had to just wait for them to stop. "I need you to know that Chris knows. I... I told Serena the day I found out because I snapped and it just came out when I lost it in front of her. She wasn't getting why I was being a complete mental case. Also... Dave, he knows. I didn't exactly tell him. I was over in MT1 for a case one morning and I nearly dived into the lino over there so Tuck hooked me up to some fluids and I agreed to have some blood tests to ease his mind. Not my mind. I was totally deluded that anything was even wrong with me. I just thought I needed sleep. But pathology needs to be logged under a doctor's name, and I can't do tests on myself, so Dave agreed to sign on the dotted line, meaning he got a copy of the results. I don't know if it was Dave or Serena who told Chris, but he knows. He showed up in my office a little while ago a complete mess, and he's part of the reason I got my finger out of my ass to come and tell you. He hasn't taken any of it very well."
"So everyone knew but me. I was the last to know..." Rick couldn't help the little bit of anger that flared up in him, but he could see her side of it. He understood why she wanted to be in denial. "Bad chicken," he murmured as he raised his hand to wipe the heel of his palm against his eyes. He didn't really know how he was supposed to feel. It really was all starting to cave in on him. How could it not? "Where is he?" he asked her after a moment. "Where's Chris?"
Bella pulled away at his comment, a burst of her own frustrated anger piquing inside him. "No! For god's fucking sake! I don't know when Dave and Serena came to constitute the whole world, but fuck you, Deleo. I needed some help with this too and excuse bloody me for trying to put your health above all else. Maybe he has a point, maybe I shouldn't be your oncologist anymore," she found herself adding with a small shake of her head as she came to sit stiffly beside him, fightly the urge to stand up and move away from him. "I don't know where he is. He ran out before I could stop him, so I told Serena. Hopefully she finds him, because he's not in a good way."
Rick sighed as he reached for Bella's hand. "I didn't mean it like that... You're going to have to cut me a little slack here, okay? I'm working through a lot of different emotions. Just like you. I get it, I do. I wouldn't stop you from talking to anyone... from needing help. But maybe you should have led with the good news yesterday, huh? Saved the kidney news for after..." He gave her a crooked smile. "I can't not have you as my oncologist. Even if that meant I wouldn't have to feel awkward about how I do feel about you. About this. But right now I need the best. Chris wouldn't forgive himself if you quite now. I wouldn't forgive myself. I've been trying so hard to be a good patient. To not want anything that would jeopardise that."
"Yeah, well, you're gonna have to cut me some slack too. I'm breeding a friggin Deleo inside me and to be completely honest, it's already giving me hell. I have turned into an emo sissy. I can't do anything without wanting to cry or throw up. I threw up in front of your brother and then I wanted to give him a smack just for seeing me like that." Bella paused and looked at him. "But seriously, how would you have honestly felt if I told you that, and then turned around to tell you that you were going to die if you didn't get a kidney? I don't profess to be a Saint, Rick. I don't always deal with things the best way or the right way. I try to, but that doesn't mean I always make the right choices. Sometimes I get it wrong with my patients. You're sitting here getting worse by the hour and it's my job to do everything in my power to save your life. Chris laid an ultimatum on me. I had to tell you, or he would... and then he would make sure I never saw you again. Me telling you that will probably piss you off, but you have to know that he is cut up about this. It was knee-jerk. There is a lot of crappy emotions at play and they're all clashing all over the place. I know you have, and on the flipside, I've been trying to hard to be a good doctor... and failing," she added, meeting his eyes pointedly.
Bella was right about the fact that Rick would get angry over Chris' ultimatum but he kept his mouth shut as his nostrils flared and waited for his own knee-jerk reaction to pass. He fell back against his pillows and rubbed his hand against his face as he huffed out a breath. "I can't do this without you," he admitted quietly as he met her gaze. He would have never thought she'd failed as a good doctor. And if she did, it was his fault. He'd asked for one thing she should have never been willing to give him. The lines were crossed, and nothing had been the same. Nothing would be the same. "I care about you, Bella. A lot. I can't do this without you, and I can't do this without Chris."
Bella took Rick's hand and linked her fingers in with his. "Rick... I don't think Chris was going to give you his kidney. I think he got extremely terrified at the prospect, and something has caused him to come to that conclusion and... put himself first. I don't know what it was. I only had a very brief conversation with him, and he was mostly yelling at me. But he wavered. There was a determination in his eyes that was gone between when he walked into my office and when he left it. It's why I contacted Serena. The thing is, if he agrees, I can get Chris admitted tonight and you both in surgery first thing in the morning. If he doesn't, then I want to start the dialysis tomorrow with the next dose of chemo. I just don't know how easily you're going to fight the next dose on dialysis. But without that, the kidney will completely fail and you'll die. Without the chemo, the tumor in the remaining kidney will spread and start attacking your other organs. We take the kidney, we take the cancer. You get a fresh start. That's why a transplant is the best option."
"I don't want to pressure him," Rick murmured. At least she'd confirmed something for him. He really hadn't been expecting Chris to give up his kidney. And the truth was he'd been okay with that. Until Bella had told him about the baby. Suddenly he wanted to be able to survive at least the nine months until it was born. To see it, to be the father he'd always wanted. "I... I just want him here. Even if he can't. I'm really scared, Bella," he added after a moment. The tears were back and growled in frustration. "And you think you're the emo sissy."
"Hey, I'm going to have huge boobs soon, I have reason to be an emo sissy," Bella joked and then stroked her fingers through his hair. She leaned forward and kissed his head before pulling him back into another hug. "You haven't been pressuring him at all, and I promise you I haven't either. I've just given him the information he needs to sort it all out himself. Or maybe not even completely himself, because I like to think he's leaning on Serena when he needs to. I know you're scared, and it's okay to be scared. We can all be scared together, but our transplant doctors here are fantastic. They know their stuff, and if Chris does this, you two couldn't be a better match. Everything is on your side. Do you want me to go and find him for you? I think you two need to talk, no matter what the outcome is."
Rick nodded against her shoulder before he managed a weak snort of amusement. "At the risk of a slap, I'm not gonna mind the huge boobs. Even if I like yours just the way they are..." He fell quiet again as he just held her and bit the inside of his cheek when he wasn't sure if he was going to sob, or throw up. "I just want you to stay here for a little bit longer... please." The idea of being on a surgical table as soon as the next day really was enough to scare the shit out of him. And even if he knew he needed to talk to his brother, he just wanted Bella to himself for just that bit longer.
"Suck it up, big boy, because there is no way I'm letting you touch them if they already ache now," Bella warned with a smirk in amusement herself. She nodded and rubbed his back. "Okay, and be thankful I just started a new really awesome nurse, or I could be getting dragged away right now." She fell quiet for a moment. "Rick... I'm going to be there for you, okay? I might not be the one doing the surgery, but I'll be there in the theatre with you, and I'll be there when you wake up again. I promise."
Rick pulled back to look at her, his hand moving to her hair as he tucked some of the strands out of the way before he pulled her in for a soft kiss. "I think your breasts are safe right now... Hardly feeling in the mood for foreplay let alone the main event. I think I'm broken. I just want to cuddle. But thank you. I mean it." He kissed her again. He just hoped he woke up to see her again.
But then she had to face the music, and she was petrified. She didn't really know why, but she was. She suspected deep down that this was more to do with her demons than any Rick could throw at her of his own, but Chris was right. Rick deserved to know. It wasn't a fact she had been disputing at all, but with his health deteriorating, she hadn't wanted to lay any of this on him. He really did not seem the father type after knocking up random chicks, and she wasn't sure she could handle both Deleo brothers tearing her new ones in less than an hour. What she really wanted to do was sit down in the middle of her office and cry her heart out like she used to do when she was five years old. Something Chris had said had knocked her for a six, even if she had kept her cool outwardly while he was so angry. Rick's future chances of being a father. It was something she hadn't considered until Chris was shoving the question in her face.
As she approached Rick's room with her head down, she found half of her praying he was asleep, but the other half hoping he wasn't so she could just get this over with. It felt like nothing good could come of this. She felt sick, and she felt shaking and unsteady. That was before she even stopped to consider that her brand new nurse now knew her secret when no one else did. By the time she got to the room of Rick's private room, her hands were shaking and she shoved them into the pockets of her lab coat as she came inside. He was awake. Awake and looking at her. For a few moments, they just looked at each other, Rick obviously expecting her to say something doctorly but any words Bella probably needed were dying in her throat. She felt shell-shocked in the wake of Hurricane C and this was either the eye or the storm, or the unstable aftermath.
"I need to talk to you," she said quietly.
"If you're after a spare kidney, I'm fresh out. Also not sure they'd have been fresh anyway. Although if you want it real cheap, I got one left..." Rick was aiming for a joking, but Bella's expression really wasn't helping him. Any time someone said 'I need to talk to you' he just knew it wasn't good news. He just hoped he wasn't about to find out he was going to die tomorrow. He knew the swelling in his groin had gotten worse and when Lisa had been in to take his obs again he'd got a little info out of her. He really did need another kidney soon, or it was going to be straight onto dialysis so that he could get the next round of chemo.
He also hadn't heard a word from Chris and he was trying not to be worried. Even if Chris didn't want to give up a kidney he still wanted his brother here. He didn't want to go through any of this alone. He tried to pull himself up into a sitting position but he was struggling and had to resort to the bed remote again. He missed being able to do things like sit up without getting cords tangled. "What's going on?"
Bella had to sit down before she fell down. She actually envied him and his electric bed, and it was tempting to push him out of it and crawl into it herself to hide under the covers and never come out again. She took the stool from beside the door and kicked it with her foot over to beside his bed and then sat down on it, her hands still stuffed in her pockets. If she took them out, he would see what a mess she was, and seriously, shaking hands weren't a good look for a surgeon at all. She was tired and hair was falling out of the elastic she had pulled it back in at the nape of her neck earlier, but she couldn't even be bothered fixing it. Instead, she sat there in silence again for probably a few more infuriating minutes, her hair hanging in her eyes. There was no laughing at his joke, even if she appreciated the attempt. If she tried to laugh, she would start to cry, or would probably throw up, maybe both at the same time, which was a bad idea to start with.
Procrastination was tempting, but so was running away. If she did either, she would never see Rick again. "I'm pregnant."
Rick had just been watching Bella, hating the silence. He might have missed her, but he wasn't sure if he wanted her there when all she did was make him feel on edge. Maybe he was dying. Considering she'd cried and thrown up when she'd told him he was going to lose his other kidney, maybe stunned silence was a viable reaction to hearing that Rick was going to check out sooner rather than later. And she'd finally spoken and Rick wanted to somehow catch the words and stuff them back into her mouth until she said something he was at least a little prepared for. "What?"
Bella winced a little and closed her eyes. Now he wanted her to repeat it. As if saying it the first time wasn't hard enough. It was stupid to just expect him to take it and absorb it immediately, though. Didn't mean she hadn't hoped for it, though. "Pregnant..." she repeated and opened her eyes to look up at him from under her hair. Her shoulders were hunched forward by the way she had her hands hidden. "I'm... pregnant. With a baby." Stupid comment, but then, she had gotten herself willinging into a stupid situation so it wasn't any surprise.
"Oh..." Rick's face fell before he even realised it, like he was disappointed. But he couldn't even really put his finger on why. It was like he assumed she was telling him because he was the father, but that was stupid. They'd had sex twice, and both times there had been protection. It had to be Tuck's, or maybe someone else. Someone that wasn't a patient and didn't make things complicated for her. It wasn't like he wanted to be the father, right? He wasn't ready. He had cancer. They weren't even together. He pressed his lips together before clearing his throat and reached up to scratch at his head. "Who's baby? I'm sorry, I just... I feel really thick all of a sudden. Nothing seems to be going in and you're pregnant with a baby. You're sitting there all pregnant." He looked at her again, and something in his stomach twisted. Of course it was his. She hadn't been with anyone else, hadn't even talked about anyone else. She was sitting there pregnant with his baby and all he could do was stare. "But we... I... I don't... Pregnant."
Bella nodded numbly. "Yep," she said hoarsely. "You get a tumour, I get a fetus. Ironic..." She pressed her lips together with a hint of a smile before she was folding the edges of her lab coat over her lap by the pockets when she felt scrutinised under the stare. "I know we did, but we fucked up, plain and simple. I wish I could tell you I had ten other guys to ease your conscience, or something, but I didn't. You were the first guy I've been with in around a year, and as nice as the name is, I'm no Virgin Mary. I haven't known for long, I haven't purposefully kept it from you. I was going to tell you, but I didn't think you would be able to swallow the information about the kidney failure and this all in one go. I couldn't even stomach it. Even if the fact I lied to you about bad chicken makes me a huge bitch, I was just trying to do the best I could, and your health is my priority, above everything else."
This time it was Rick's turn not to smile at her joke, even if somewhere deep down he did appreciate it. He blinked to stop staring and scratched at his head again as he looked at his feet under the covers. She was pregnant. It was all that was going through his head until his face crumpled and he could feel the tears running down his cheeks. He had wanted Bella, and he had wanted to have his last shot at sex before the chemo started and now he was finding out she was pregnant. It was the whole reason for him grilling her about the side effects of chemo in the first place - he'd wanted to keep the option for a family there if he ever decided he wanted one. Now he had one. It was all too much, and all he could do was cry. He wasn't proud of it, but something just had to give.
"I swear, I am destined to be drowned in Deleo tears today..." Bella murmured as she pushed forward to shift from the stool to the side of his bed so she could hug him. She rested her cheek against the side of his head and rubbed his back slowly. She couldn't know what he was thinking or feeling about this. Everything he had said and Chris had said, she just couldn't shake the thought that he wouldn't want a kid out of the blue like this. That was without even considering the cancer. Bella's feelings were a whole other story. She was terrified, but she didn't even know what to think or how to feel after thinking for so long she couldn't have kids. It was like she was waiting for someone to show up and tell her it was all some sort of sick joke. She wanted to want it, but she was scared to want it also. Especially not when Rick might die and never be a part of the baby's life anyway... if he even wanted to on some level.
Rick didn't even take the comment in at first, not sure he was ready to acknowledge the fact that his brother seemed to have already lost it in front of Bella. He just didn't know how he was supposed to deal with it. It would probably mean that Chris wasn't ready to give up his kidney, and how could Rick ever really blame him? He hugged her tightly until he thought about the fetus inside her and loosened his grip just a little. His baby was in there. His baby. He had never been one for believing that things happened for a reason, but Bella had told him kids weren't possible for her. That she'd been told they weren't possible. And yet, here she was pregnant. They'd made a baby. "Are you keeping it?" he asked her in a small voice, eyes still tightly closed against the tears.
This time it was Bella's turn to abruptly burst into tears. In fact, it took her by such a surprise, she actually gave a gasp of a laugh in response and gripped her hands around a handful of his hospital gown like he would serve as some sort of life-preserver. "I have to," she choked out through a sob. "I don't know if I can do it, or how the hell to cope with my life, and a baby, but I can't not keep it because I don't know if it's my only chance. I might never get another chance. That doesn't mean I know what the hell I'm bloody doing, because I don't. I haven't let myself think about it."
Rick nodded against her chest, and didn't make any move to pull away. Right then it felt good to just be hugged. And then she'd started crying, and he wanted to do nothing but comfort her. Hold her. Help her. Even as useless as he was feeling. "Good, because... what if it's my only chance, too? And I know it's probably not what I'm supposed to say, but I'm glad it's you. I'm glad I could give you this. Even if it is fucked up, and not exactly what I was expecting."
Bella pulled back, even if the tears were still pouring down her face. She had learnt these past few days that when they did that, she had to just wait for them to stop. "I need you to know that Chris knows. I... I told Serena the day I found out because I snapped and it just came out when I lost it in front of her. She wasn't getting why I was being a complete mental case. Also... Dave, he knows. I didn't exactly tell him. I was over in MT1 for a case one morning and I nearly dived into the lino over there so Tuck hooked me up to some fluids and I agreed to have some blood tests to ease his mind. Not my mind. I was totally deluded that anything was even wrong with me. I just thought I needed sleep. But pathology needs to be logged under a doctor's name, and I can't do tests on myself, so Dave agreed to sign on the dotted line, meaning he got a copy of the results. I don't know if it was Dave or Serena who told Chris, but he knows. He showed up in my office a little while ago a complete mess, and he's part of the reason I got my finger out of my ass to come and tell you. He hasn't taken any of it very well."
"So everyone knew but me. I was the last to know..." Rick couldn't help the little bit of anger that flared up in him, but he could see her side of it. He understood why she wanted to be in denial. "Bad chicken," he murmured as he raised his hand to wipe the heel of his palm against his eyes. He didn't really know how he was supposed to feel. It really was all starting to cave in on him. How could it not? "Where is he?" he asked her after a moment. "Where's Chris?"
Bella pulled away at his comment, a burst of her own frustrated anger piquing inside him. "No! For god's fucking sake! I don't know when Dave and Serena came to constitute the whole world, but fuck you, Deleo. I needed some help with this too and excuse bloody me for trying to put your health above all else. Maybe he has a point, maybe I shouldn't be your oncologist anymore," she found herself adding with a small shake of her head as she came to sit stiffly beside him, fightly the urge to stand up and move away from him. "I don't know where he is. He ran out before I could stop him, so I told Serena. Hopefully she finds him, because he's not in a good way."
Rick sighed as he reached for Bella's hand. "I didn't mean it like that... You're going to have to cut me a little slack here, okay? I'm working through a lot of different emotions. Just like you. I get it, I do. I wouldn't stop you from talking to anyone... from needing help. But maybe you should have led with the good news yesterday, huh? Saved the kidney news for after..." He gave her a crooked smile. "I can't not have you as my oncologist. Even if that meant I wouldn't have to feel awkward about how I do feel about you. About this. But right now I need the best. Chris wouldn't forgive himself if you quite now. I wouldn't forgive myself. I've been trying so hard to be a good patient. To not want anything that would jeopardise that."
"Yeah, well, you're gonna have to cut me some slack too. I'm breeding a friggin Deleo inside me and to be completely honest, it's already giving me hell. I have turned into an emo sissy. I can't do anything without wanting to cry or throw up. I threw up in front of your brother and then I wanted to give him a smack just for seeing me like that." Bella paused and looked at him. "But seriously, how would you have honestly felt if I told you that, and then turned around to tell you that you were going to die if you didn't get a kidney? I don't profess to be a Saint, Rick. I don't always deal with things the best way or the right way. I try to, but that doesn't mean I always make the right choices. Sometimes I get it wrong with my patients. You're sitting here getting worse by the hour and it's my job to do everything in my power to save your life. Chris laid an ultimatum on me. I had to tell you, or he would... and then he would make sure I never saw you again. Me telling you that will probably piss you off, but you have to know that he is cut up about this. It was knee-jerk. There is a lot of crappy emotions at play and they're all clashing all over the place. I know you have, and on the flipside, I've been trying to hard to be a good doctor... and failing," she added, meeting his eyes pointedly.
Bella was right about the fact that Rick would get angry over Chris' ultimatum but he kept his mouth shut as his nostrils flared and waited for his own knee-jerk reaction to pass. He fell back against his pillows and rubbed his hand against his face as he huffed out a breath. "I can't do this without you," he admitted quietly as he met her gaze. He would have never thought she'd failed as a good doctor. And if she did, it was his fault. He'd asked for one thing she should have never been willing to give him. The lines were crossed, and nothing had been the same. Nothing would be the same. "I care about you, Bella. A lot. I can't do this without you, and I can't do this without Chris."
Bella took Rick's hand and linked her fingers in with his. "Rick... I don't think Chris was going to give you his kidney. I think he got extremely terrified at the prospect, and something has caused him to come to that conclusion and... put himself first. I don't know what it was. I only had a very brief conversation with him, and he was mostly yelling at me. But he wavered. There was a determination in his eyes that was gone between when he walked into my office and when he left it. It's why I contacted Serena. The thing is, if he agrees, I can get Chris admitted tonight and you both in surgery first thing in the morning. If he doesn't, then I want to start the dialysis tomorrow with the next dose of chemo. I just don't know how easily you're going to fight the next dose on dialysis. But without that, the kidney will completely fail and you'll die. Without the chemo, the tumor in the remaining kidney will spread and start attacking your other organs. We take the kidney, we take the cancer. You get a fresh start. That's why a transplant is the best option."
"I don't want to pressure him," Rick murmured. At least she'd confirmed something for him. He really hadn't been expecting Chris to give up his kidney. And the truth was he'd been okay with that. Until Bella had told him about the baby. Suddenly he wanted to be able to survive at least the nine months until it was born. To see it, to be the father he'd always wanted. "I... I just want him here. Even if he can't. I'm really scared, Bella," he added after a moment. The tears were back and growled in frustration. "And you think you're the emo sissy."
"Hey, I'm going to have huge boobs soon, I have reason to be an emo sissy," Bella joked and then stroked her fingers through his hair. She leaned forward and kissed his head before pulling him back into another hug. "You haven't been pressuring him at all, and I promise you I haven't either. I've just given him the information he needs to sort it all out himself. Or maybe not even completely himself, because I like to think he's leaning on Serena when he needs to. I know you're scared, and it's okay to be scared. We can all be scared together, but our transplant doctors here are fantastic. They know their stuff, and if Chris does this, you two couldn't be a better match. Everything is on your side. Do you want me to go and find him for you? I think you two need to talk, no matter what the outcome is."
Rick nodded against her shoulder before he managed a weak snort of amusement. "At the risk of a slap, I'm not gonna mind the huge boobs. Even if I like yours just the way they are..." He fell quiet again as he just held her and bit the inside of his cheek when he wasn't sure if he was going to sob, or throw up. "I just want you to stay here for a little bit longer... please." The idea of being on a surgical table as soon as the next day really was enough to scare the shit out of him. And even if he knew he needed to talk to his brother, he just wanted Bella to himself for just that bit longer.
"Suck it up, big boy, because there is no way I'm letting you touch them if they already ache now," Bella warned with a smirk in amusement herself. She nodded and rubbed his back. "Okay, and be thankful I just started a new really awesome nurse, or I could be getting dragged away right now." She fell quiet for a moment. "Rick... I'm going to be there for you, okay? I might not be the one doing the surgery, but I'll be there in the theatre with you, and I'll be there when you wake up again. I promise."
Rick pulled back to look at her, his hand moving to her hair as he tucked some of the strands out of the way before he pulled her in for a soft kiss. "I think your breasts are safe right now... Hardly feeling in the mood for foreplay let alone the main event. I think I'm broken. I just want to cuddle. But thank you. I mean it." He kissed her again. He just hoped he woke up to see her again.