RP Log with halfway2heaven | Clinical Evidence
Bella was sitting at her desk in her office with her hand clamped over her mouth as she desperately tried not to be sick. Again. She had already spent the last fifteen minutes doing just that, and this was the first chance she had made it back to her office. The first thing she was met with as she walked into the clinic was her receptionist handing her a pile of urgent pathology. She had been feeling like a pile of shit in the wake of being so sick, but relief flooded through her when she got the pathology. She had been waiting for hours on Rick's test results to come through. She had sat on the information for the last two hours since his CT scan that she had seen a fresh mass on his only kidney. It seemed isolated to the top sector of the organ, but it was still there. She just hadn't wanted to go to him with any half facts or maybes. It would only panic him and piss him off.
It was when she was flicking through the sheets of paper to find his results that she had spotted her own name in the patient line and she remembered that Dave had ordered her blood results to be sent directly to her because he was due to end his shift, and hopefully go home to bed. In her busy morning rushing around and trying to deal with feeling sick, she had just forgotten about the tests at all. The morning seemed like so long ago now it was after lunch. It had been an early start after all. Despite the seed having been planted by Dave fleetingly, nothing could have prepared Bella for what she saw on those print outs.
Pregnant.
She was pregnant. Ever since she had battled her own cancer when she was a kid, she had been told children would be next to impossible, and she had dealt with that. It had never been another consideration for her. She just always figured she would make a great aunty whenever her brothers decided to breed. But now, all of a sudden out of the blue, she was seeing her name and a positive pregnancy test in her hand. She was pregnant. It was no mistake. This wasn't a little white stick with blue lines, it was a hard facts clinical blood test. There was no grey area. She had fumbled with the sheets, tears spilling down her cheeks as she struggled to cope with what she had just read and went on to find Rick's results. It just confirmed her fears.
Rick's only kidney was failing.
The two sheets were lying on her desk in front of her and she knew she was wasting time, trying to cope with all of this. For some reason, Rick's results had her in a mess and she couldn't stop the tears for a long time. But she pushed away from the desk and washed her face, clipping his results to the front of his notes and tucking them under her arm. He had a right to know his health was deteriorating. The sooner she discussed the results with him, the sooner the options could kick into gear. She also had to talk to Chris, who would need Serena here for this. Hopefully Proctor would understand. She pressed her hands over her face as she paused outside of Rick's room for a moment, trying to coax herself to stop looking so crap, and then knocked. She entered his room with a small smile and cleared her throat to head over to check his IV line. "How are you feeling?" she asked him.
"Better than you look," Rick teased gently. His gut had twisted as soon as he'd seen Bella, and not in the good way he was getting used to. He could just see bad news on her face, and he wasn't sure he could find it in himself to be optimistic that it didn't have to do with his results. She'd been avoiding him all day, it was probably likely she'd had other patients to deal with. Maybe even lost one, or two. He wanted to reach out for her hand, but he kept his at his side as he just watched her. The waiting had been driving him crazy. He hated hospitals, he hated having to be poked, prodded and scanned just to sit around waiting for bits of paper to make their way to doctors. "How are you? Really."
Bella stayed staring at the IV, trying to look like she was doing something vitally important there. Truth was, she was just doing her best not to start crying again. The urge kept catching her in the throat and she had to keep her cool, stay professional. Maybe the only way to do that was separate herself from the situation completely... and that meant pushing her own test results to the back of her mind and forgetting about them for the moment, even if that task seemed next to impossible. There was one thing finding out you were pregnant by accident, but finding out you were pregnant by accident when you didn't even think you were capable of falling pregnant was just the biggest mind fuck she had to deal with in a long time. Maybe even since she had prepared herself for dying, only to be told she wasn't. She lifted her chin a little with a heavy swallow and nodded with just a hint of a faint smile. "I'm okay," she replied and then took his notes out from under her arm, splaying her hand across them. "I have some bad news, Rick. The chemo hasn't worked quick enough to slow the spread down. There's a lesion on your remaining kidney, and it's reduced the kidney function significantly since your last tests. That's what the swelling was."
Rick wasn't sure if he was buying that she was okay or not, but it wasn't like he had any right to push her on it. He was just the patient. She was the doctor. She was more than entitled to her privacy. Only he couldn't stop the niggle in him that meant he cared about her, cared if she was hurting. He listened to her as she gave him the diagnosis, even managed not to interrupt. And when she was done, all he could do was give her a wry smile. "I'm sure I'm supposed to be shocked. Or maybe I'm still in denial... I don't know. I just... I was expecting it." Rick frowned as he touched his fingers against his side. "Not that it makes it any easier to deal with. So what's the plan, Doc?"
Bella went to reply and start laying the options on the table for him, but she felt her stomach lurch in warning yet again and a panic flared up inside her. She put his file down on the side of his bed. "Can you excuse me for a minute?" She didn't wait for his answer before she was bolting from the room to the closest ladies room, praying that she hadn't worn high heels that morning. So many times she had been tempted to kick them off and get around in some surgical booties. It was a good long few minutes before she could even attempt to return, and by then she was wanting to hide under one of the beds in a free room and not come out. That sounded so much easier right now. At least she knew why she was throwing up and felt like she had been dragged around behind a truck for about a month. When she came back, she kept her eyes averted from his face and grabbed up the file again. It would be a good shield for her to hide behind. "Sorry about that. So, um..." She wet her lips and let out a small, sharp sigh. "Right, it is still functioning on it's own, but if it drops to around half of what it is doing now, we'll need to get you on dialysis. As it is, you'll need a transplant, but dialysis is what will do the kidney's job when it stops being able to. At this point, if you can get a transplant, and keep with the chemo just a little bit longer, you would have a good chance of a complete recovery. Removing the diseased kidney should remove the source of the disease. All your other organs are still clear. And I'm just going to sit down here so you'll have to share your bed whether you like it or not," she added and then sat down next to him on the side of the bed, only narrowly missing squashing his hand with her butt.
Rick was still in shock even after she came back, not sure what to make of her running out. He didn't think being in his presence had been that replusive to her, but maybe he was wrong. Now that she was on the side of his bed though, he reached up to rub his hand softly against her back. The concern flared up inside of him again. "Bella, what's wrong? Look, I know my other kidney's fucked, but it's nothing for you to get all sick over. It's not that bad, right? There's hope... Dialysis, and a transplant, but still hope..."
Bella just looked at him for a moment, wishing he really could see the enormity of what she was saying here. He was about to lose two kidneys from cancer, and if Chris didn't come to the party with his earlier intentions of being a kidney donor, Rick could be sick for a very long time. She pushed her hair out of her face and fought the urge to tiredly rub the back of her neck. "Just a bit of bad chicken at lunch, it's fine. Rick, you need to know exactly what is going down here. It's not just like walking into a supermarket and getting a new kidney off the shelf. We need to find a viable match, which is sometimes impossible to do. I've already submitted your details to the transplant list, and you might luck out, but some people wait months... years... on dialysis. Do you know what dialysis is? It's being hooked up to a machine here in the hospital that will filter through your blood to remove waste and excess water, which is the natural function of the kidneys. Three times a week, for around six hours, hooked up to a machine just to keep you alive. To top all that off, you'll will need to stay on the chemo. We need to make sure it doesn't spread anywhere. I know what you're thinking, it didn't work this time, why the fuck will it work next time. We didn't get to it in time, Rick. Guaranteed, before I even started that chemo infusion, the cancer would have already began in the second kidney. You needed to be on chemo very, very soon after you first found out about the tumour, but that's okay, we're just going to Plan B. I have to tell you, with their permission, that both Chris and Dave were tested as viable donors shortly after you arrived in Miami. Dave, expectedly, wasn't going to be a viable option, but he still wanted to try. Chris, however..." She trailed off and met his gaze.
Rick didn't need the sentence finished. He didn't really want to be having the conversation in the first place. He was allowed a few moments of denial, but she was making it hard by dismissing his attempts to try and find out what was wrong with her. He didn't think that any bad chicken was the problem. He shifted in the bed and tugged on her to try and get her to lie next to him. With the door shut they had some privacy, and if Rick was going to have this conversation then he at least wanted some comfort to go with it. "So if I get the transplant, I don't have to stay on dialysis? But either way there's gonna be chemo... Are you sure it hasn't spread? Not sure how many parts I can stand to get removed. You gonna talk to Chris about this? I don't know if I can ask him. It's too much. It's a body part... Maybe I should just wait it out on the list?"
Bella shook her head. "I can't, Rick. Anyone could come in here. I have nurses and patients and students all within shouting distance. You won't need dialysis if you have a transplant, because effectively, the new kidney will be fully functionable. If your body doesn't reject it, but that's just a small chance. You will have medication to encourage your body to accept it. It hasn't spread. You're clear everywhere else, there are no other signs. It's isolated to that part of the body and now you have the chemo in your system, it should stay that way. There has to be chemo, Rick. It will go on hold for a few weeks after the transplant, and then it will pick up again for hopefully one more round. I'm optimistic it will work out. Chris has... he visited our renal unit to be tested as a viable donor that first week you were here. Before you even had the kidney removed. I haven't broached the subject with him since, but he did say if it came to it, I could discuss it with you. I just don't know how much he expected it to come to the crunch. Potentially being a donor and actually being one are two totally different things. It could be a really long wait, Rick. Dialysis won't work forever."
Rick huffed out a breath when she refused him and tried to wrap his arms around himself instead, but no position in the hospital bed was comfortable. He hated being in the hospital. He hated being stuck in the bed. He hated the fact that Bella just wasn't ever going to relax in this environment. He still just wanted Bella, and not the professional doctor. And for that he hated himself. He knew that he was in good hands with her as his oncologist. It was stupid to fuck with it just because he had a crush. A lump triggered in his throat and he could feel the tears starting to well in his eyes when it all started to become too much. "I don't think we're gonna be talking about Chris' kidney until we know he would still even consider it. This isn't the first week anymore. He doesn't have to just give knee jerk reactions. This is going to be a permanent thing."
Bella sighed softly and rubbed the top of his arm. "I know how hard this is for you, okay? I do. It's just another thing Chris is going to do to save your butt... probably the ultimate thing, and that's going to be hard to swallow. But it could be your only chance of survival, Rick. He is a perfectly viable match. You have the same blood and tissue types. He is strong, he's fit, he's healthy. He would still lead a perfectly normal life with one kidney. It's quite disgusting how healthy he is actually," she joked with a tiny smile and moved her hand to stroke her fingers across the back of his neck. "But you're right. It's permanent and it's a body part. One person needs to make that call, and he won't be able to do that alone. I'm happy to talk to him for you about it, and he does have time to think about it. In the meantime a donor might come up from the list. We're covering all bases."
Rick nearly pushed her hand away to maintain that distance she had so adamantly wanted, but he was too selfish. He liked the way she was touching the back of his neck and he wanted to indulge in it as long as he could. "No," he finally said after a long moment of staying quiet. "I need to talk to him about it. I can't let it go down like every other time. I don't need you to be my messenger. If I'm going to ask him for a kidney, then I'll ask him. Gotta have the tough talks sooner, or later."
Bella was hormonal enough and stressed enough for his comment to hurt, but she just didn't let it show outwardly. She took her hand away and risked standing up again as she cleared her throat softly. "I'll find him for you. He's around here somewhere. Last I saw, he was swearing at the vending machine and texting intently. Just don't be afraid to talk to him about how he's feeling too, even if you're worried what his answers might mean. If ever there was a time to lay the cards on the table, it's now."
Rick frowned up at her, not sure if he'd said something wrong or not. He hadn't meant to. The tears were starting to come thick and fast now and he just gave a nod as he tried to find his voice. It had been a big what if hovering over his head regarding that second kidney, and now they knew. It was coming out and Rick discovered he wasn't as prepared as he thought he was. "Probably with Serena. She's addicted... Thanks, Doc. I'm sorry I'm not... I'm sorry."
It was too much and despite trying desperately to fight it off, Bella quickly had tears spilling over too. She nodded and brushed them away. There were some things she could conceal, but this wasn't one of them. She was wondering if she should even be at work. She was sick and she was upset, and this was harder than delivering bad news to just any other patient. She had her professional independence from them, but this was... the father of her baby, apparently. A baby she wasn't even sure what she was supposed feel about it. "I-I might need to go home sick," she admitted to him in a small voice. "But I'll have my pager. There won't be anything we can do today anyway. It will be a couple of days at least, even if Chris says yes straight away. You can call me at home if you need to."
Rick reached out to squeeze her hand. He couldn't help but feel useless when they were both in tears and he wasn't even allowed to give her a hug. "Can I text you?" he asked, his lips twitching in a slight smile. "I hope the, ah... bad chicken stops making you feel bad soon. Just get some rest, okay? Patient's orders."
If she was a religious person, Bella would probably be praying for forgiveness right now for referring to an unborn fetus as a bad chicken and she mentally swore to buy the kid loads of candy when it had teeth to make up for the fact. In fact, even as he said that, her eyes went wide with a nervous guilt and she just stared at him for a few moments feeling like she had been hit with a taser or something. But she blinked out of it, shoving her hands into the pockets of her labcoat and unconsciously pulled it around her middle over her stomach. "Sure... whatever you need," she replied shakily and just stood there for a moment, probably about as close to spilling everything to him than she had been since she first walked into his room. But she just started to feel sick all over again and cleared her throat, her hands anxiously getting whipped from her pockets again so she could pick up his file. "I'll handover to one of my colleagues in case you need help with anything urgently. You should take a day or so to consider everything though, talk to Chris, let him talk to Serena. Maybe you might even want to call your mom. There's just... you have some time."
"Sure, time..." Rick murmured as he just watched her. He still couldn't put his finger on why she seemed so off, but maybe it was just food poisoning. And maybe it was also a little bit of her telling Rick the bad news. It wasn't like he would ever envy that part of a doctor's job. Now he just had to suck it up enough to tell his brother without breaking apart. This was the first time he genuinely felt close to losing it and giving in completely. Dialysis was a scary concept, and while he knew there were people that lived with it for most of their lives, he wasn't ready to be one of them. And yet it was his own stupid fault for being in this position in the first place. "What do you need?"
"Sleep," Bella murmured and swallowed heavily, piercing him with a serious look. "And you to still be here when I get back."
Rick held his hands up. "I'm not going anywhere, Bella. Promise. I'll be here until you're ready to let me go."
Bella felt a lot more tired when she looked at him this time, almost like the mere effort of the conversation had sucked the last of her energy supplies from her, and she wasn't even the patient. It took all her self-control not to lean against the wall and slide down it to just fall asleep right there. "I'm going to hold you to that," she warned hoarsely and then had to give him a small wave to leave before she burst into tears again. She had no idea what her next turn was supposed to be. She could have just given Rick a death sentence. Everything she was talking to him about was maybes and what-ifs. How it all actually went down would depend on a hell of a lot of different things. All she knew right then was that she didn't know enough of what to do to tell him. Not yet.
It was when she was flicking through the sheets of paper to find his results that she had spotted her own name in the patient line and she remembered that Dave had ordered her blood results to be sent directly to her because he was due to end his shift, and hopefully go home to bed. In her busy morning rushing around and trying to deal with feeling sick, she had just forgotten about the tests at all. The morning seemed like so long ago now it was after lunch. It had been an early start after all. Despite the seed having been planted by Dave fleetingly, nothing could have prepared Bella for what she saw on those print outs.
Pregnant.
She was pregnant. Ever since she had battled her own cancer when she was a kid, she had been told children would be next to impossible, and she had dealt with that. It had never been another consideration for her. She just always figured she would make a great aunty whenever her brothers decided to breed. But now, all of a sudden out of the blue, she was seeing her name and a positive pregnancy test in her hand. She was pregnant. It was no mistake. This wasn't a little white stick with blue lines, it was a hard facts clinical blood test. There was no grey area. She had fumbled with the sheets, tears spilling down her cheeks as she struggled to cope with what she had just read and went on to find Rick's results. It just confirmed her fears.
Rick's only kidney was failing.
The two sheets were lying on her desk in front of her and she knew she was wasting time, trying to cope with all of this. For some reason, Rick's results had her in a mess and she couldn't stop the tears for a long time. But she pushed away from the desk and washed her face, clipping his results to the front of his notes and tucking them under her arm. He had a right to know his health was deteriorating. The sooner she discussed the results with him, the sooner the options could kick into gear. She also had to talk to Chris, who would need Serena here for this. Hopefully Proctor would understand. She pressed her hands over her face as she paused outside of Rick's room for a moment, trying to coax herself to stop looking so crap, and then knocked. She entered his room with a small smile and cleared her throat to head over to check his IV line. "How are you feeling?" she asked him.
"Better than you look," Rick teased gently. His gut had twisted as soon as he'd seen Bella, and not in the good way he was getting used to. He could just see bad news on her face, and he wasn't sure he could find it in himself to be optimistic that it didn't have to do with his results. She'd been avoiding him all day, it was probably likely she'd had other patients to deal with. Maybe even lost one, or two. He wanted to reach out for her hand, but he kept his at his side as he just watched her. The waiting had been driving him crazy. He hated hospitals, he hated having to be poked, prodded and scanned just to sit around waiting for bits of paper to make their way to doctors. "How are you? Really."
Bella stayed staring at the IV, trying to look like she was doing something vitally important there. Truth was, she was just doing her best not to start crying again. The urge kept catching her in the throat and she had to keep her cool, stay professional. Maybe the only way to do that was separate herself from the situation completely... and that meant pushing her own test results to the back of her mind and forgetting about them for the moment, even if that task seemed next to impossible. There was one thing finding out you were pregnant by accident, but finding out you were pregnant by accident when you didn't even think you were capable of falling pregnant was just the biggest mind fuck she had to deal with in a long time. Maybe even since she had prepared herself for dying, only to be told she wasn't. She lifted her chin a little with a heavy swallow and nodded with just a hint of a faint smile. "I'm okay," she replied and then took his notes out from under her arm, splaying her hand across them. "I have some bad news, Rick. The chemo hasn't worked quick enough to slow the spread down. There's a lesion on your remaining kidney, and it's reduced the kidney function significantly since your last tests. That's what the swelling was."
Rick wasn't sure if he was buying that she was okay or not, but it wasn't like he had any right to push her on it. He was just the patient. She was the doctor. She was more than entitled to her privacy. Only he couldn't stop the niggle in him that meant he cared about her, cared if she was hurting. He listened to her as she gave him the diagnosis, even managed not to interrupt. And when she was done, all he could do was give her a wry smile. "I'm sure I'm supposed to be shocked. Or maybe I'm still in denial... I don't know. I just... I was expecting it." Rick frowned as he touched his fingers against his side. "Not that it makes it any easier to deal with. So what's the plan, Doc?"
Bella went to reply and start laying the options on the table for him, but she felt her stomach lurch in warning yet again and a panic flared up inside her. She put his file down on the side of his bed. "Can you excuse me for a minute?" She didn't wait for his answer before she was bolting from the room to the closest ladies room, praying that she hadn't worn high heels that morning. So many times she had been tempted to kick them off and get around in some surgical booties. It was a good long few minutes before she could even attempt to return, and by then she was wanting to hide under one of the beds in a free room and not come out. That sounded so much easier right now. At least she knew why she was throwing up and felt like she had been dragged around behind a truck for about a month. When she came back, she kept her eyes averted from his face and grabbed up the file again. It would be a good shield for her to hide behind. "Sorry about that. So, um..." She wet her lips and let out a small, sharp sigh. "Right, it is still functioning on it's own, but if it drops to around half of what it is doing now, we'll need to get you on dialysis. As it is, you'll need a transplant, but dialysis is what will do the kidney's job when it stops being able to. At this point, if you can get a transplant, and keep with the chemo just a little bit longer, you would have a good chance of a complete recovery. Removing the diseased kidney should remove the source of the disease. All your other organs are still clear. And I'm just going to sit down here so you'll have to share your bed whether you like it or not," she added and then sat down next to him on the side of the bed, only narrowly missing squashing his hand with her butt.
Rick was still in shock even after she came back, not sure what to make of her running out. He didn't think being in his presence had been that replusive to her, but maybe he was wrong. Now that she was on the side of his bed though, he reached up to rub his hand softly against her back. The concern flared up inside of him again. "Bella, what's wrong? Look, I know my other kidney's fucked, but it's nothing for you to get all sick over. It's not that bad, right? There's hope... Dialysis, and a transplant, but still hope..."
Bella just looked at him for a moment, wishing he really could see the enormity of what she was saying here. He was about to lose two kidneys from cancer, and if Chris didn't come to the party with his earlier intentions of being a kidney donor, Rick could be sick for a very long time. She pushed her hair out of her face and fought the urge to tiredly rub the back of her neck. "Just a bit of bad chicken at lunch, it's fine. Rick, you need to know exactly what is going down here. It's not just like walking into a supermarket and getting a new kidney off the shelf. We need to find a viable match, which is sometimes impossible to do. I've already submitted your details to the transplant list, and you might luck out, but some people wait months... years... on dialysis. Do you know what dialysis is? It's being hooked up to a machine here in the hospital that will filter through your blood to remove waste and excess water, which is the natural function of the kidneys. Three times a week, for around six hours, hooked up to a machine just to keep you alive. To top all that off, you'll will need to stay on the chemo. We need to make sure it doesn't spread anywhere. I know what you're thinking, it didn't work this time, why the fuck will it work next time. We didn't get to it in time, Rick. Guaranteed, before I even started that chemo infusion, the cancer would have already began in the second kidney. You needed to be on chemo very, very soon after you first found out about the tumour, but that's okay, we're just going to Plan B. I have to tell you, with their permission, that both Chris and Dave were tested as viable donors shortly after you arrived in Miami. Dave, expectedly, wasn't going to be a viable option, but he still wanted to try. Chris, however..." She trailed off and met his gaze.
Rick didn't need the sentence finished. He didn't really want to be having the conversation in the first place. He was allowed a few moments of denial, but she was making it hard by dismissing his attempts to try and find out what was wrong with her. He didn't think that any bad chicken was the problem. He shifted in the bed and tugged on her to try and get her to lie next to him. With the door shut they had some privacy, and if Rick was going to have this conversation then he at least wanted some comfort to go with it. "So if I get the transplant, I don't have to stay on dialysis? But either way there's gonna be chemo... Are you sure it hasn't spread? Not sure how many parts I can stand to get removed. You gonna talk to Chris about this? I don't know if I can ask him. It's too much. It's a body part... Maybe I should just wait it out on the list?"
Bella shook her head. "I can't, Rick. Anyone could come in here. I have nurses and patients and students all within shouting distance. You won't need dialysis if you have a transplant, because effectively, the new kidney will be fully functionable. If your body doesn't reject it, but that's just a small chance. You will have medication to encourage your body to accept it. It hasn't spread. You're clear everywhere else, there are no other signs. It's isolated to that part of the body and now you have the chemo in your system, it should stay that way. There has to be chemo, Rick. It will go on hold for a few weeks after the transplant, and then it will pick up again for hopefully one more round. I'm optimistic it will work out. Chris has... he visited our renal unit to be tested as a viable donor that first week you were here. Before you even had the kidney removed. I haven't broached the subject with him since, but he did say if it came to it, I could discuss it with you. I just don't know how much he expected it to come to the crunch. Potentially being a donor and actually being one are two totally different things. It could be a really long wait, Rick. Dialysis won't work forever."
Rick huffed out a breath when she refused him and tried to wrap his arms around himself instead, but no position in the hospital bed was comfortable. He hated being in the hospital. He hated being stuck in the bed. He hated the fact that Bella just wasn't ever going to relax in this environment. He still just wanted Bella, and not the professional doctor. And for that he hated himself. He knew that he was in good hands with her as his oncologist. It was stupid to fuck with it just because he had a crush. A lump triggered in his throat and he could feel the tears starting to well in his eyes when it all started to become too much. "I don't think we're gonna be talking about Chris' kidney until we know he would still even consider it. This isn't the first week anymore. He doesn't have to just give knee jerk reactions. This is going to be a permanent thing."
Bella sighed softly and rubbed the top of his arm. "I know how hard this is for you, okay? I do. It's just another thing Chris is going to do to save your butt... probably the ultimate thing, and that's going to be hard to swallow. But it could be your only chance of survival, Rick. He is a perfectly viable match. You have the same blood and tissue types. He is strong, he's fit, he's healthy. He would still lead a perfectly normal life with one kidney. It's quite disgusting how healthy he is actually," she joked with a tiny smile and moved her hand to stroke her fingers across the back of his neck. "But you're right. It's permanent and it's a body part. One person needs to make that call, and he won't be able to do that alone. I'm happy to talk to him for you about it, and he does have time to think about it. In the meantime a donor might come up from the list. We're covering all bases."
Rick nearly pushed her hand away to maintain that distance she had so adamantly wanted, but he was too selfish. He liked the way she was touching the back of his neck and he wanted to indulge in it as long as he could. "No," he finally said after a long moment of staying quiet. "I need to talk to him about it. I can't let it go down like every other time. I don't need you to be my messenger. If I'm going to ask him for a kidney, then I'll ask him. Gotta have the tough talks sooner, or later."
Bella was hormonal enough and stressed enough for his comment to hurt, but she just didn't let it show outwardly. She took her hand away and risked standing up again as she cleared her throat softly. "I'll find him for you. He's around here somewhere. Last I saw, he was swearing at the vending machine and texting intently. Just don't be afraid to talk to him about how he's feeling too, even if you're worried what his answers might mean. If ever there was a time to lay the cards on the table, it's now."
Rick frowned up at her, not sure if he'd said something wrong or not. He hadn't meant to. The tears were starting to come thick and fast now and he just gave a nod as he tried to find his voice. It had been a big what if hovering over his head regarding that second kidney, and now they knew. It was coming out and Rick discovered he wasn't as prepared as he thought he was. "Probably with Serena. She's addicted... Thanks, Doc. I'm sorry I'm not... I'm sorry."
It was too much and despite trying desperately to fight it off, Bella quickly had tears spilling over too. She nodded and brushed them away. There were some things she could conceal, but this wasn't one of them. She was wondering if she should even be at work. She was sick and she was upset, and this was harder than delivering bad news to just any other patient. She had her professional independence from them, but this was... the father of her baby, apparently. A baby she wasn't even sure what she was supposed feel about it. "I-I might need to go home sick," she admitted to him in a small voice. "But I'll have my pager. There won't be anything we can do today anyway. It will be a couple of days at least, even if Chris says yes straight away. You can call me at home if you need to."
Rick reached out to squeeze her hand. He couldn't help but feel useless when they were both in tears and he wasn't even allowed to give her a hug. "Can I text you?" he asked, his lips twitching in a slight smile. "I hope the, ah... bad chicken stops making you feel bad soon. Just get some rest, okay? Patient's orders."
If she was a religious person, Bella would probably be praying for forgiveness right now for referring to an unborn fetus as a bad chicken and she mentally swore to buy the kid loads of candy when it had teeth to make up for the fact. In fact, even as he said that, her eyes went wide with a nervous guilt and she just stared at him for a few moments feeling like she had been hit with a taser or something. But she blinked out of it, shoving her hands into the pockets of her labcoat and unconsciously pulled it around her middle over her stomach. "Sure... whatever you need," she replied shakily and just stood there for a moment, probably about as close to spilling everything to him than she had been since she first walked into his room. But she just started to feel sick all over again and cleared her throat, her hands anxiously getting whipped from her pockets again so she could pick up his file. "I'll handover to one of my colleagues in case you need help with anything urgently. You should take a day or so to consider everything though, talk to Chris, let him talk to Serena. Maybe you might even want to call your mom. There's just... you have some time."
"Sure, time..." Rick murmured as he just watched her. He still couldn't put his finger on why she seemed so off, but maybe it was just food poisoning. And maybe it was also a little bit of her telling Rick the bad news. It wasn't like he would ever envy that part of a doctor's job. Now he just had to suck it up enough to tell his brother without breaking apart. This was the first time he genuinely felt close to losing it and giving in completely. Dialysis was a scary concept, and while he knew there were people that lived with it for most of their lives, he wasn't ready to be one of them. And yet it was his own stupid fault for being in this position in the first place. "What do you need?"
"Sleep," Bella murmured and swallowed heavily, piercing him with a serious look. "And you to still be here when I get back."
Rick held his hands up. "I'm not going anywhere, Bella. Promise. I'll be here until you're ready to let me go."
Bella felt a lot more tired when she looked at him this time, almost like the mere effort of the conversation had sucked the last of her energy supplies from her, and she wasn't even the patient. It took all her self-control not to lean against the wall and slide down it to just fall asleep right there. "I'm going to hold you to that," she warned hoarsely and then had to give him a small wave to leave before she burst into tears again. She had no idea what her next turn was supposed to be. She could have just given Rick a death sentence. Everything she was talking to him about was maybes and what-ifs. How it all actually went down would depend on a hell of a lot of different things. All she knew right then was that she didn't know enough of what to do to tell him. Not yet.