103 i wanna lose moree
theres this girl that i'm "in a relationship" with but i really dont think she actually likes me i think she likes being liked. today she was all pissed cuz last night i black out drank and "broke up " with her on facebook and "engaged" my friend jeff who i'm gona move in with in a yaer or so.
she keeps telling me i'm too skinny. how i'm THIS CLOSE to being disgusting. i dont believe her though. she's "bulimic"- so she says... idk i think she really likes the attention. i hate that i feel that way though. so if she just doesnt want me skinnier than her she could be like "youre too skinny stop it" or something
idk i feel soooo obese. its ridiculous.
the last two days i've eaten so much.
i'm gona stop blazing its my weekness. its just that i love it sooo much.
but the munchies shit just kills me.
my stomache looks disgusting.
i've been writing alot lately. i htink its cuz i've stopped taking my antidepressant. it makes me feel bland. i write better when i'm not. but theyre not exactly happy things i write about i guess.
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here's today's lil writing. i'm too lazy to make it rhyme. i'm relly stoned. ahaha
It was just yesterday that you loved me.
Years you cared and held me close
as I screamed in tears
in the middle of the night.
"Everything will be alright,
go back to sleep Baby."
You rubbed my back
with my head on your shoulder
as I dozed back into
a deep, peaceful slumber.
I miss those days,
they keep me strong.
I know this man I see
isn't the person I knew
years, and years ago.
These memories fill me with hope.
I know this isn't you
who raises his hand
and lowers it forcefully
onto my body.
Your eyes would never be
filled with the hatred I see.
You lower your zipper
and drop your pants.
This isn't you stabbing into me,
as I scream in agony,
inside and out.
THIS IS ALL JUST A DREAM,
THIS IS NOT YOU I SEE.
PLEASE GET OUT OF ME.
Please don't touch me,
Daddy, this isn't you.
I know you're still in there,
in time I will find you again,
behind the eyes in your skull,
masked by intoxication.
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