(no subject)
I'm headed off to Billy's party.
I took my shower, standing under the water for a long time till it all ran cold. I had it scalding hot, just letting the water burn into my flesh. I wanted it to hurt, wanted to feel something that meant I was still alive, that I could still feel. It wasn’t enough.
Have you ever just had the feeling that if one more thing happened to you, good or bad, you were just going to implode, explode, what have you? It could be as drastic as a friend yelling at you, or as small as your dinner not being hot or cold enough... but that’s how I felt, getting out of the shower, white towel around my waist.
I would have done it right then. The razor was just so close. All I had to do was press... hard, deep... once, maybe twice... crawl back in the shower, let my blood seep out, spill down the drain.
But that would stain Mattie’s towel.
I don’t think I could do that to him, he’d never forgive himself.
Please Matt... Don’t think this was your fault. Don’t let Billy think it was his fault either.
It was my fault.
I’m the fucked up one.
Mattie,
Through everything, you’ve always been there for me. We played together as children, tortured mum and da’ happily, as children should. You were there for me when I came out to our parents, friends... you were there when I was at my worst, and you still loved me.
I can’t thank you enough. Please remember, I love you. Tell mum not to worry, tell Da’ this wasn’t done out of disrespect.
Tell Jennifer, I’m sorry. I know she had high aspirations for the future. She’ll tell my employers that I’m sorry.
And if you ever have another daughter... name her Meara for me.
Love your devoted brother,
Dommeh.
PS: I know you take the elder brother role seriously, but even you couldn’t save me from this.
D.
I just have to see him... I've got to see him one. last. time.
I took my shower, standing under the water for a long time till it all ran cold. I had it scalding hot, just letting the water burn into my flesh. I wanted it to hurt, wanted to feel something that meant I was still alive, that I could still feel. It wasn’t enough.
Have you ever just had the feeling that if one more thing happened to you, good or bad, you were just going to implode, explode, what have you? It could be as drastic as a friend yelling at you, or as small as your dinner not being hot or cold enough... but that’s how I felt, getting out of the shower, white towel around my waist.
I would have done it right then. The razor was just so close. All I had to do was press... hard, deep... once, maybe twice... crawl back in the shower, let my blood seep out, spill down the drain.
But that would stain Mattie’s towel.
I don’t think I could do that to him, he’d never forgive himself.
Please Matt... Don’t think this was your fault. Don’t let Billy think it was his fault either.
It was my fault.
I’m the fucked up one.
Mattie,
Through everything, you’ve always been there for me. We played together as children, tortured mum and da’ happily, as children should. You were there for me when I came out to our parents, friends... you were there when I was at my worst, and you still loved me.
I can’t thank you enough. Please remember, I love you. Tell mum not to worry, tell Da’ this wasn’t done out of disrespect.
Tell Jennifer, I’m sorry. I know she had high aspirations for the future. She’ll tell my employers that I’m sorry.
And if you ever have another daughter... name her Meara for me.
Love your devoted brother,
Dommeh.
PS: I know you take the elder brother role seriously, but even you couldn’t save me from this.
D.
I just have to see him... I've got to see him one. last. time.