thoughts.
although i have become well aware of the fact and the psychology behind it all--i still seem to remain generally existing in one of two states, sometimes a volitile combination of the two but always with one dominating. these 2 states both involve a searching and seeking in a sort of wild goose chase fashion. one search is for all that is validating, anything that reassures me, makes me feel more confident more self-affirmed, i seek things often by first seeking situations, scenarios, and people i know have lower standards to start with. by setting the bar low, i seem to rise above much faster and more obviously than i would had i challenged myself or had to work for it. the end result leaves me temporarilly high followed by inevitable emptiness. the second search finds me hunting down ways to tune out of life; to check out and postpone reality because i am "looking at the bigger picture". if there is something or someone i am waiting for, than the present is just a means to that end and i cant help but take it for granted. in this state i close myself off from the world, from people and friends and from meeting new people and friends. if there is an end in sight, a goal i am working to achieve, i dont allow myself to be distracted by everyday life... or in other words i resist living my actual life and resist any hurt or any joy that could occur within that. in this second case the goal is more often than not more influenced by fantasy than truth. origionally based on a tiny spark of reality, the things that i sit and wait for then become manifestations in my own mind, driven by daydreams, hopes, and fears. its confounding how i can take something that brings out the best in me and turn it into one that brings out the worst, but when the mundane is suddenly interupted by a surge of energy, motivation and optimism the goal shifts--the cycle is renewed. it is a cycle i know too well, but refuse to break free from--me; the "free" one...oh the irony.
i move in 2 weeks, give or take a few days. to a new place, where i will be lost and wont know anyone. i have to get a new job and start at a new school. closing my self off is NOT an option and lowering my standards is too unfulfilling to bare any longer.
so what then? what do i do with myself? i'm determined to learn from past mistakes but once again i am facing a situation, a perfect oppurtunity to tune out, that is challenging my capacity to resist falling back into hold habits. for example--i couldnt tell you a single thing that happened in the month of may. honestly i think i hybernated through the whole month. we got back from san francisco and my focus divereted straight to vacation. i must have been a complete zombie to deal with. i think i fought a lot with my parents, and didnt speak much to friends. as for work i mulled through it--my sales were higher than they've ever been because i was able to focus only on the superficial customer relations, rather than bonding with coworkers. now next week is my last schedule of shifts there. ive been there since the 2nd semester of my senior year of high school. i turned 18, 19, and 20 while working there. i met my best friend there. im ready to move on, but i cannot deny how much being there the last few years have changed my life. wow, the people i've met and the things ive done in that time. ive been reflecting a lot lately. im trying to figure out what will change and what will remain on the inside as i make some drastic changes in my life.
meanwhile all of these thoughts and recent events have stirred up all sorts of emotions. i had the most haunting dream last night. that brought a lot of these things full circle. a dream that wreaked of karma and what goes around comes around. every single guy i have stepped on in the last 2 years was there, all of them who gave me themselves, who wanted to be there for me, who i just ignored---all the guys that were pit-stops, minor distractions during my bouts of searching for assorted "bigger picture" life distractions. when they came into my life --i didnt really let them in, i had other things in mind and rather than be honest with these amazing people, i hid--i played dead until they eventually wandered away. bu in this dream they all seemed to be laughing at me. each had a different strategy to "get back at me" that each was able to play out within this dream that seemed to last days, but in the end they all agreed that my current situation was the greatest revenge any of them could have ever come up with.
...at 5am i woke up confused. i am obviously feeling guilty--maybe its because i just saw one of these guys the other night and he was nothing but sweet to me. where is the justice in that!? i was a bitch and you complement me!? thats not fair. how do i manage to never take the high road in these situations--because its so much easier to avoid it all together.
i sound crazy. i wish i actually was--then id have a valid excuse for sounding crazy. alas, i am plagued by sanity. i have reconnected with several people i grew up with in the last week--spent hours in coffee houses listening to their stories trying to gain perspective on mine, asking for advice hesistantly at first but ending up pouring out every thought in my head. for the most part their answers were a mix of envy, realism, and common sense... a combination that i would love to reject, but have no choice but adhere to. i have to live my life. that is the consensus. the general conclusion--is get out of this town and do all the things i planned to do. there is nothing holding me back besides my own anxiety. i get a little nautious picturing myself out of here. i get a little panicked whenever i snap out of a lovely daydream. i get a little sad every time i catch myself grinning, but i get a little smile everytime i feel myself about to cry. be practical young lady, you've taken quite enough risks for the time being and you're getting a bit ahead of yourself again, you're not in over your head yet and you wont be if you just keep treading. i cant believe the things, the experiences i start to take for granted whenever i spiral into a blackhole of self-pity. i've decided that life is not about seeing the glass as half-empty, or half-full either; ive decided i cant think it over even that much--life is about grabbing the glass and taking a drink and enjoying it for what its worth-no matter how much is in it. add this all up and i find that: i know better, now i just need to DO better.
i move in 2 weeks, give or take a few days. to a new place, where i will be lost and wont know anyone. i have to get a new job and start at a new school. closing my self off is NOT an option and lowering my standards is too unfulfilling to bare any longer.
so what then? what do i do with myself? i'm determined to learn from past mistakes but once again i am facing a situation, a perfect oppurtunity to tune out, that is challenging my capacity to resist falling back into hold habits. for example--i couldnt tell you a single thing that happened in the month of may. honestly i think i hybernated through the whole month. we got back from san francisco and my focus divereted straight to vacation. i must have been a complete zombie to deal with. i think i fought a lot with my parents, and didnt speak much to friends. as for work i mulled through it--my sales were higher than they've ever been because i was able to focus only on the superficial customer relations, rather than bonding with coworkers. now next week is my last schedule of shifts there. ive been there since the 2nd semester of my senior year of high school. i turned 18, 19, and 20 while working there. i met my best friend there. im ready to move on, but i cannot deny how much being there the last few years have changed my life. wow, the people i've met and the things ive done in that time. ive been reflecting a lot lately. im trying to figure out what will change and what will remain on the inside as i make some drastic changes in my life.
meanwhile all of these thoughts and recent events have stirred up all sorts of emotions. i had the most haunting dream last night. that brought a lot of these things full circle. a dream that wreaked of karma and what goes around comes around. every single guy i have stepped on in the last 2 years was there, all of them who gave me themselves, who wanted to be there for me, who i just ignored---all the guys that were pit-stops, minor distractions during my bouts of searching for assorted "bigger picture" life distractions. when they came into my life --i didnt really let them in, i had other things in mind and rather than be honest with these amazing people, i hid--i played dead until they eventually wandered away. bu in this dream they all seemed to be laughing at me. each had a different strategy to "get back at me" that each was able to play out within this dream that seemed to last days, but in the end they all agreed that my current situation was the greatest revenge any of them could have ever come up with.
...at 5am i woke up confused. i am obviously feeling guilty--maybe its because i just saw one of these guys the other night and he was nothing but sweet to me. where is the justice in that!? i was a bitch and you complement me!? thats not fair. how do i manage to never take the high road in these situations--because its so much easier to avoid it all together.
i sound crazy. i wish i actually was--then id have a valid excuse for sounding crazy. alas, i am plagued by sanity. i have reconnected with several people i grew up with in the last week--spent hours in coffee houses listening to their stories trying to gain perspective on mine, asking for advice hesistantly at first but ending up pouring out every thought in my head. for the most part their answers were a mix of envy, realism, and common sense... a combination that i would love to reject, but have no choice but adhere to. i have to live my life. that is the consensus. the general conclusion--is get out of this town and do all the things i planned to do. there is nothing holding me back besides my own anxiety. i get a little nautious picturing myself out of here. i get a little panicked whenever i snap out of a lovely daydream. i get a little sad every time i catch myself grinning, but i get a little smile everytime i feel myself about to cry. be practical young lady, you've taken quite enough risks for the time being and you're getting a bit ahead of yourself again, you're not in over your head yet and you wont be if you just keep treading. i cant believe the things, the experiences i start to take for granted whenever i spiral into a blackhole of self-pity. i've decided that life is not about seeing the glass as half-empty, or half-full either; ive decided i cant think it over even that much--life is about grabbing the glass and taking a drink and enjoying it for what its worth-no matter how much is in it. add this all up and i find that: i know better, now i just need to DO better.