May 30, 2007 21:50
i made a completely misguided, mistake in my decision to watch sex and the city tonight. they show these reruns on TBS a few nights a week and although i've never kept up with the show, something pulled me to it. no, not just something, the glittering headline promising both "sex" and "the city". the title combined with sweeping shots of manhattan sucked me in til there was no turning back. maybe its just because i spent the whole day at the beach and my skin is now a perfect california summer-has-just-begun pink. maybe the fact that i have plans to check out the house in northridge on thursday. maybe because right now at this second it is exactly one week to the hour that i will be leavng to visit new york city for the first time ever. maybe because my 20th birthday is friday and i have no plans and no intention to "celebrate" and i no real desire to begin my "20s". maybe it was all those things or a combination of them all
...but ive never wanted to run away so bad in my life.
i dont even know what that means. "run away". i guess just anything that isnt here. that isnt this. this same job and school and people (or lack thereof). ive committed myself to a voluntary solitary confinement. i have no desire to reach out. no need for small talk. i dont feel like trying anymore. socially-i give up. i give up. i know people havent all given up on me but i have this alone time now. and i need that more than anything because work robs my of my self. i lose who i am so much everyday i submit myself to that place that it takes atleast 24 hours of seclusion for me to re-collect me.
i may see him next week, if he wants to see me. i want him to want to see me so much. i want to talk to him about this all. about everything i thought about when he left. and how he came into my life and then left and how i had to return to my everyday and how he has this exciting every day is a new place life and how i just, i just want him to know that no matter what that weekend was different and special compared to anything ive ever experienced and i will remember it forever. the kind of thing i will tell my daughter when she is already married before my grandkids are born, i will say "you know what happened to me when i was only 19, i met this guy in a band. a band i listened to. and we met at my work and i helped him buy some jeans and then he called me and we talked for hours and drank too much and wrote a message in a bottle and then we talked and then i kissed him and i gave him me, more than i have to anyone (except maybe your father ;) )" and thats the story i will tell her, my daughter 50+ years from now.
these memories make my eyes teary, but in that way that is so telling about how much these memories mean.
i would just like to know what he is thinking and if ever thinks of me. dear jessie, do you ever think of me?