(no subject)
every time a man looks at me with that look i smile inside, the strangest crooked smile because im thinking to myself-you have no idea how deep the cuts run in here. you wouldnt be able to lift the psychological and emotional baggage that seems to be in a never ending, exponentially growing pile in this head. if only you knew the things ive done and seen in my life. if only you knew how little and yet how much those things effect certain parts of my life. if you could only understand this mixing of the poles between superiority and self-loathing that teeters and tilts up and down and has been for as long as i can remember. if only you knew that i can be so sad sometimes. and so very genuinely happy in others. that i experience the two in such humbling extremes that i've learned to resent people like you who can manage not to express every thought and every feeling that enters your being.
i started wondering why men think they have to pretend they care. why they think they have to be sweet when its so obviously a one night, or very short thing. what kind of society am i existing in where this is the process. i want to say this could be easy if you decided not to fuck with my head. but you think you have to. i want to tell them maybe that works with the girls theyve met before, but it doesnt work with me. sometimes i wish it did. wouldnt things be easier, if i just took your word for it and let it hurt tomorrow. would that be better than reality. i dont think so. or what do i know i guess. i choose reality every time anyway.
i was thinking about the one unlikely kid who said just straight up-i know youve been hurt in the past and i dont want you to think of me as one of those people, but this isnt something either of us are going to pursue.. right :)? it was strange for a tiny split second because it was the truth. but then it was a relief. and it made sense. i wasnt being rejected. it was mutual and he respected me enough to be honest. that is what every day life should be like. at least i think so.
i should reallly be honest like that more often. there are times where words like that would have saved people pain. but its so hard to hurt people. people need tougher skins. you can still be optimistic and happy, with tough skin. cant you?
i guess i am not currently qualified to answer that. not because i am or am not happy. but because i just dont even know what that means.
ive said it so many times i am so grateful for my life. and there is nothing externally that could cause what seems to haunt me. and no life altering experience that ever seems to make me happier than some of the most simple things. sometimes i giggle and laugh and shop and get my nails done and gossip. and sometimes i make myself a cave and dwell in it. im beginning to think that is normal to some degree. whatever that means.
i started wondering why men think they have to pretend they care. why they think they have to be sweet when its so obviously a one night, or very short thing. what kind of society am i existing in where this is the process. i want to say this could be easy if you decided not to fuck with my head. but you think you have to. i want to tell them maybe that works with the girls theyve met before, but it doesnt work with me. sometimes i wish it did. wouldnt things be easier, if i just took your word for it and let it hurt tomorrow. would that be better than reality. i dont think so. or what do i know i guess. i choose reality every time anyway.
i was thinking about the one unlikely kid who said just straight up-i know youve been hurt in the past and i dont want you to think of me as one of those people, but this isnt something either of us are going to pursue.. right :)? it was strange for a tiny split second because it was the truth. but then it was a relief. and it made sense. i wasnt being rejected. it was mutual and he respected me enough to be honest. that is what every day life should be like. at least i think so.
i should reallly be honest like that more often. there are times where words like that would have saved people pain. but its so hard to hurt people. people need tougher skins. you can still be optimistic and happy, with tough skin. cant you?
i guess i am not currently qualified to answer that. not because i am or am not happy. but because i just dont even know what that means.
ive said it so many times i am so grateful for my life. and there is nothing externally that could cause what seems to haunt me. and no life altering experience that ever seems to make me happier than some of the most simple things. sometimes i giggle and laugh and shop and get my nails done and gossip. and sometimes i make myself a cave and dwell in it. im beginning to think that is normal to some degree. whatever that means.