(no subject)
i am blank. stark. my brain is pressing against the walls of my skull trying to escape. i am both crushed and relieved all in the same sigh. the sensation of utter disappointment is marbleized throughout the waves of content that seem to flow among the cells within my veins as they pass through every muscle, oxygenated with every heavy breath, finally making it back to my heart with a swift and steady beat reminding me that this numbness is temporary and that i am indeed alive.
theres an imaginary electric shock treatment system thats been attatched to me since i crawled into bed and each time my thoughts begin to wander back into the depths of hope and happiness and wonderful memories, pain strikes and brings me back to reality. this self imposed diversion therapy is not proving effective.
the first real physical sensation i feel now that i am home, is the cold. my bed is like ice and i cant help but cry---what have i done. i have just condemned myself to my cold empty bed for what will surely feel like an eternity. he called my speech, my gutspill, my heart pour, mature. that was not the voice of maturity. every word that came quivering past my lips was formed out of selfishness and silly naive. i wanted to believe in this thing that i was holding onto. i wanted to believe i could be what he was looking for, why was he looking me straight in the eye, taking my in his arms but still searching, still reaching for more.
unrequited love faced with a request for friendship. ive been on the easy end of that many times. not wanting to hurt someone is still a much better place to be than the one who will inevitably be hurt.
so now there is aching, but this sort of built up defeat does not reside isolated in my heart. no, this ache travels through my limbs and they are starting to cramp. they told me to not dive in just after eating, such simple, good advice, but i didnt listen so now i drowd.
theres an imaginary electric shock treatment system thats been attatched to me since i crawled into bed and each time my thoughts begin to wander back into the depths of hope and happiness and wonderful memories, pain strikes and brings me back to reality. this self imposed diversion therapy is not proving effective.
the first real physical sensation i feel now that i am home, is the cold. my bed is like ice and i cant help but cry---what have i done. i have just condemned myself to my cold empty bed for what will surely feel like an eternity. he called my speech, my gutspill, my heart pour, mature. that was not the voice of maturity. every word that came quivering past my lips was formed out of selfishness and silly naive. i wanted to believe in this thing that i was holding onto. i wanted to believe i could be what he was looking for, why was he looking me straight in the eye, taking my in his arms but still searching, still reaching for more.
unrequited love faced with a request for friendship. ive been on the easy end of that many times. not wanting to hurt someone is still a much better place to be than the one who will inevitably be hurt.
so now there is aching, but this sort of built up defeat does not reside isolated in my heart. no, this ache travels through my limbs and they are starting to cramp. they told me to not dive in just after eating, such simple, good advice, but i didnt listen so now i drowd.