those are your shoes, these are my shoes, we've got issues

[1st_star_i_see]

it caught me off guard to hear 'it was good to see your face'. i was ready to fall apart, racing toward the door, to embrace the cold and the fresh air, to breath. my mind was set on keeping down the lump in my throat until i was safely out of view. 'you too' i say and i mean it. but my kneejerk reaction was to collapse. its good just to face the day, to leave the house, to attempt interactions.. but such attempts are exhausting. draining like running a marathon. it took a lot of work, a lot of training, but im proud that i made it through. getting out of bed is becoming more and more of an accomplishment.

i miss connecting.

i have these daydreams, like im watching a tv show and tonight i watched myself throw a hissy fit in the middle of the room, red and round faced, tears like a waterfall, out of control, screaming "pay attention to me! love me! want me! care!...No, fuck you i dont need you!... im sorry, i do, please come back, dont leave!... i didnt want you anyway! i dont like you! i dont care what you think... why do things change?... when will things change? ...help me!!!!"
thats the story of my existence. i dont even know who i am or what it is i want.