(no subject)
theres no men calling. theyre all out in the night with their assorted broads and birds and lady friends alike. go to sleep little girl no one wants to play, not with you anyway.
what am i supposed to do? walk the streets alone, assuming i will be greeted by a great single guy, hoping he will want to talk to me? should i be wandering the malls and beaches of this town looking for a male to share myself with? should i be seeking shows of bands i would hope he listens to too? should i drive myself all around the county, the region even, in search of a person to be with? what does a single person do? i am not 21, i cant go to bars and even if i was, i dont think id want to meet a man at a bar. even if it was pretentious hipster bar, they'd probably all piss me off by their elitist ignorance. i guess the same goes for shows. why is it that the only people i have anything in common with as far as tastes, love of learning and education, music, culture, etc all insist on being pompous assholes about it???? there is nothing more frustrating than a scenester. how come there is no one who doesnt make a production of how they are dressed--or a point to vary from societal norms by adorning costume-like attire--who actually has a brain as well? how come there are no people who can be themselves AND actually have interest in anything interesting? why does it seem to be a trade off? since when did i have to choose one or the other? i would just like to meet a nice man, who will not judge me because my hair is long, because my clothes are new, because of my outside appearence...it would be nice if i could meet such a man.. but i dont forsee any luck any time soon.. so what am i supposed to do???
its strange because i feel myself on the verge of that pit of despair that i throw myself into from time to time. except this time im aware that i am tetoring on that ledge. i am rapidly more despondent with each minute but this time i feel like im watching it happen in slow motion. im at that point where if i could muster up some happy thoughts i may be able to avoid the worst... but i lack the motivation and energy. to lay in bed in a puddle of my own tears, to obsess over self-loathing followed by the subsequent guilt for feeling like an ungrateful, spoiled little brat is a cycle that has beccome so routine its almost comforting. this is what happens when i get down. these are the thoughts and the actions, or lack thereof, that are a part of my life that i have come to accept because its never really felt worth the fight. it starts broad with my frustrations with society and manifests into my thoughts campaigning against me and winning by a landslide in their intent to bring me so down. i dont know what this is or why it happens, do i let it happen, is there another way of going about life? i need to find that. i need to find a way to be content and see the brighter side. i am so lucky,so fortunate. i should not be allowed to go on like this, its a slap in the face to anyone whose ever had to work for anything in their lives or experienced any real adversity. i am so sick of being a teenager. i would like so much to grow out of this.
what am i supposed to do? walk the streets alone, assuming i will be greeted by a great single guy, hoping he will want to talk to me? should i be wandering the malls and beaches of this town looking for a male to share myself with? should i be seeking shows of bands i would hope he listens to too? should i drive myself all around the county, the region even, in search of a person to be with? what does a single person do? i am not 21, i cant go to bars and even if i was, i dont think id want to meet a man at a bar. even if it was pretentious hipster bar, they'd probably all piss me off by their elitist ignorance. i guess the same goes for shows. why is it that the only people i have anything in common with as far as tastes, love of learning and education, music, culture, etc all insist on being pompous assholes about it???? there is nothing more frustrating than a scenester. how come there is no one who doesnt make a production of how they are dressed--or a point to vary from societal norms by adorning costume-like attire--who actually has a brain as well? how come there are no people who can be themselves AND actually have interest in anything interesting? why does it seem to be a trade off? since when did i have to choose one or the other? i would just like to meet a nice man, who will not judge me because my hair is long, because my clothes are new, because of my outside appearence...it would be nice if i could meet such a man.. but i dont forsee any luck any time soon.. so what am i supposed to do???
its strange because i feel myself on the verge of that pit of despair that i throw myself into from time to time. except this time im aware that i am tetoring on that ledge. i am rapidly more despondent with each minute but this time i feel like im watching it happen in slow motion. im at that point where if i could muster up some happy thoughts i may be able to avoid the worst... but i lack the motivation and energy. to lay in bed in a puddle of my own tears, to obsess over self-loathing followed by the subsequent guilt for feeling like an ungrateful, spoiled little brat is a cycle that has beccome so routine its almost comforting. this is what happens when i get down. these are the thoughts and the actions, or lack thereof, that are a part of my life that i have come to accept because its never really felt worth the fight. it starts broad with my frustrations with society and manifests into my thoughts campaigning against me and winning by a landslide in their intent to bring me so down. i dont know what this is or why it happens, do i let it happen, is there another way of going about life? i need to find that. i need to find a way to be content and see the brighter side. i am so lucky,so fortunate. i should not be allowed to go on like this, its a slap in the face to anyone whose ever had to work for anything in their lives or experienced any real adversity. i am so sick of being a teenager. i would like so much to grow out of this.